T w e n t y S i d e d
The locker room before the big whoops-the-jerseys-were-the-wrong-size rematch against the High Seas Surfilletes. I get a glimpse of my own eyes in the medicine cabinet mirror. They look like they belong to another manâ€"another dead manâ€"a dead squidâ€"a dead squid whose whole life slipped off the road down a gully of misery and substance abuse stemming from having really gross eyes.
“Howdy, friend.”
It’s the opposing team’s coach leaning in our doorway, picking his fingernails. He’s got a big fat stupid elf grin on his slender handsome brilliant elf face. “Ready for the big match?” he coos.
“Yup,” I say.
“Halflings, huh? How’d you get stuck with these guys? I mean, it’s cute that you think you can win and all, but let’s be honest with ourselves. Your little fat halflings? Against my trained, professional elves? You’re just going to get walloped again and you know it.”
“Yeah. That’s what’ll happen.”
“Tell you whatâ€"how about a friendly wager? If your little fatboys win out there today, somehow, I’ll…”
“Nah.”
“…I’ll…sorry? Did you just say…”
“No.”
“Oh. Okay.”
He looks puzzled and leaves the locker room. I finish shaving and slowlyâ€"almost inaudiblyâ€"I begin to hum.
Continue reading ⟩⟩ “Half Time CH3: Kill it with Shire”
