ABC News: Plz help LOLz

 By Shamus Jun 22, 2006 4 comments

Some people are making fun of ABC for soliciting stories on how people have been affected by global warming*, but I can understand ABC’s point of view. Many people underestimate the difficulty in gathering serious scientific research data without a large pool of anecdotes to work from. I’m eager to contribute, because the resulting article might be the first ever to be eligible for both a Pulitzer Prize and a Hugo Award, which would be really cool.

ABC News would like to know:

What are you doing to reduce your “carbon footprint?”

Are you trying solar power? Hybrid car? Shorter showers? Energy efficient appliances?

At first I thought, “carbon footprint? But I don’t use GNOME at all!” Then I realized they are talking about the produduction of CO2.

What I’m doing to reduce carbon emissions:

  1. A lot of big Hollywood stars have pointed out how bad Minivans and SUV’s are in this regard, so I’m going to follow their example and travel only by limousine or private jet.
  2. To reduce carbon dioxide production, I’m encouraging all of my friends to start binge drinking. It is a scientific fact that while drunk and passed out your breathing slows, thus reducing personal CO2 output.
  3. When I hunt down and murder spammers in their sleep, I no longer burn the corpse as a warning to others. Spammers are biodegadeable and (once killed) eco-friendly, so burying them under a nasty sign can get the same effect but without unwanted environmental consequences!
  4. To counter the effects of global warming, I turn up my air conditioning to maximum and leave all the windows in my house open. The electric bills are brutal, but it’s the least I can do to bring us back from the brink of global catastrophy!

I know going out and finding news is hard and the people (is it still okay to call them journalists?) at ABC are just saving energy by sitting around and waiting for news via email. I’m proud to do my part.

Okay, I’m done being silly. We now return you to our regular… whatever it is we do here.

* This morning they were asking “how have you been affected by global warming” and this afternoon they are asking “what are you doing about it”.

4Four comments. Fantastic.


  1. ubu roi says:

    If it were NBC, they’d be soliciting people to drive their Prius to a NASCAR event and walk around in eco-friendly hippie garb…

    Of course, I bet they’d get a lot friendlier reception than I would in San Francisco, wearing a “Nuke the Gay Whales Now!” T-shirt.

  2. Evil Otto says:

    You murder spammers in their sleep?

    That’s DISGUSTING! You should be ashamed of even thinking of such a thing!

    You should wake them before you kill them, so they can see death coming.

  3. Hipparchus says:

    And once you put them in the ground their corpses releas nitrogen so flowers can grow. Just imagine..

    Little kid: Pretty flower!
    Me: It was grown because a corpse gave it energy.
    Little Kid: Wha??
    Me: Yep, that flower is a bonafied cannibal.
    Little Kid: MOMMY!!
    Me: Heh heh.

Leave a Reply

Comments are moderated and may not be posted immediately. Required fields are marked *

*
*

Thanks for joining the discussion. Be nice, don't post angry, and enjoy yourself. This is supposed to be fun.

You can enclose spoilers in <strike> tags like so:
<strike>Darth Vader is Luke's father!</strike>

You can make things italics like this:
Can you imagine having Darth Vader as your <i>father</i>?

You can make things bold like this:
I'm <b>very</b> glad Darth Vader isn't my father.

You can make links like this:
I'm reading about <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darth_Vader">Darth Vader</a> on Wikipedia!