The Most Compelling Review

By Shamus Posted Monday Apr 9, 2007

Filed under: Rants 49 comments

I’m mulling over the idea of picking up STALKER- Shadow of Chernobyl. It’s a recent title with no demo, so it’s a risky proposition. While scanning the page at Gamestop looking for system Specs, I came upon this edifice of incoherent languacide:

iv nva playd this but it sounds so pointless 2 get this. their r only 2 reasons u would have this game. those r if u dont have a 360 which is known 4 shooter games lyk gears of war, graw 2, battlefield 2, splinter cell double agent and soon 2 b unreal tournament 3, and last but not least halo 1,2,3 which i have all but halo 3 but aalready reserved. Also if u have wii they have no good shooter games. ps3 is just an underpriced shitty blu ray player n games have no good exclusives. if u dont play ne consoles download gunz or soldier front off www.ijji.com if you want 2 get so pc games which r the best pc games n r free

I tried to put this into Babelfish to see what it really says, but they don’t offer Idiot -> English translations. So, I had to decipher it myself. Here is the review in English, as closely as I can render it:

I have not played this game, but I find the justifications for its purchase to be uncompelling. For readers who do not own an XBox 360, I’d like to inform you that the platform is noted for its many contributions to the shooter genre. The Halo franchise in particular is noteworthy, and I’m proud to announce that I have already paid for Halo 3 and am eagerly waiting for them to finish the game. Also, The Wii is a substandard platform for fans of the shooter genre. The Playstation 3 is underpriced. It is merely a Blu-Ray player of substandard quality. The Playstation 3 has no exclusive titles, which is a serious omission for a major platform. If you don’t list any consoles as your platform of choice, then might I suggest acquiring Gunz or Soldier from a particular game portal. PC games are superior to other forms of games, and they are free of charge.

This proves something I’ve suspected for years, which is that there are four types of people in the world:

  1. I liked Halo
  2. I did not like Halo
  3. I did not play Halo
  4. HALO is best gam 4 evar and ur retarded i u dont leik it.

This STALKER review is perfect. I am putting it here as a taunt to all of the Halo fans who have left me rude responses and sent insulting emails due to my scathing comments on Halo from last year. (The really rude ones have been deleted, since I have higher standards than Game Stop when it comes to allowing subliterate ankle-biters to pollute my site with crass asininity.)

This review sort of sums up the very essence of the debate with Halo zealots that I’ve witnessed over the years, and perfectly distills the very nature of the exchange. So from now on when I’m trying to explain the whole thing, I’ll tell people, “I dislike Halo because it was a game with repetitive scenery and a threadbare story, while other people disagree and say this.” Which will be a link to this post, wherein a Halo fan reviews STALKER by not playing it, preordering Halo 3, and then talking about unrelated games.

Yes, I’m being childish and stupid, but the same can be said of Halo, which sold eleventy bajillion copies. So I’m in good company.

 


 

DM of the Rings LXXXV:
Press Triangle

By Shamus Posted Monday Apr 9, 2007

Filed under: DM of the Rings 115 comments

Legolass, extreme elf.

 


 

Videogame Week

By Shamus Posted Monday Apr 9, 2007

Filed under: Random 15 comments

I’m awash in games at this point. The three-day weekend gave me time to gorge myself on my entertainment of choice, and so pretty much everything I put up this week is going to be related to amusing one’s self with the help of a computer.

I apologize to those who are sick of Jade Empire, but I have another week of Jade Empire blather to stuff down your gullet. This will be a difficult time for all of us (except me.) but I’m sure we’ll get through it somehow.

Also, this behavior has even infected the webcomic, so that we can expect videogame-themed DMotR this week. I’m sorry. There’s nothing to be done about this.

 


 

Jade Empire: Origin of the Golems

By Shamus Posted Sunday Apr 8, 2007

Filed under: Game Reviews 3 comments

Some Jade Empire spoilers follow. Reader Nathan Weismuller asks:

To what extent would you believe Sun Hai’s acquisition of the Water Dragon’s power led to the golem army project, in Jade Empire? I find it… suspicious, to say the least, that one of the powers associated with the Water Dragon is the binding of spirits, combined with the sudden development of golems, powered by enslaved spirits, by Sun Hai after he stole the Water Dragon’s power. If this is related, would you guess the Soul Extractor was somehow powered by Sun Hai, or he simply developed insight as to how such a device might be made?

I’ve been thinking about this myself. I remember someone else asking this question, but I can’t remember if it was in the comments here or if it was posed within the context of the game. (Which suggests I’ve probably been playing too much.)

Let’s back up and look at what we can glean from the game:
Continue reading ⟩⟩ “Jade Empire: Origin of the Golems”

 


 

Jade Empire: Ending

By Shamus Posted Friday Apr 6, 2007

Filed under: Game Reviews 19 comments

Some spoiler-free thoughts on the game overall, now that I’ve crossed the finish line:

Having been through Jade Empire one and a half times now, I can say without reservation that this is an exceptional game. This will go down as a classic for me, alongside treasures like Fallout and KOTOR. An RPG like this only comes along once every few years.

The characters are outstanding. They all have fascinating (or hilarious) stories and all of them are wonderfully voice acted. The “evil” characters that accompany you are grim or outrageous without being revolting. The “good” characters are noble and true without being irritating or sanctimonious. The funny characters are genuinely funny and charming.

As I mentioned before, the plot twists are spot on. The plot itself is fairly tight. I’m on my second trip through the game, and I have not spotted any significant plot holes. The story is epic and thrilling, and the final confrontation packs a lot of dramatic punch. When you finally get down to face your nemesis, everything is on the line and the battle has become intensely personal. The final battle was tough, but not so tough that frustration blunted the dramatic impact of the moment. This is one of my pet peeves and I’m always pleased when a developer understands that the final boss doesn’t need to kill the player a dozen times for the game to be “fun”.

My biggest lament about Jade Empire is that I wish there was more of it. A single play-through takes between fifteen and twenty hours, depending on how aggressive you are with the sidequests. Sure, you will probably go through it more than once, but I felt like the game needed a longer first act. I would have liked to spend another hour or so in Two Rivers and the surrounding area. I wouldn’t have minded if the game just padded things out with a little more combat, just to stretch out the experience ladder a bit. And while we’re asking the genie for more wishes, I would have liked another town between Tien’s Landing and the Imperial City. And a unicorn. And my own fighter jet that can transform into a breakdancing robot.

Anyway, the length of the game isn’t that bad. Given the choice between short and perfect (Jade Empire) or long and unfinished (Oblivion, Neverwinter Nights 2) there isn’t any debate. I’ll take the shorter experience every single time. Saying a game was great but you wish there was more of it is a good example of praising with faint damnation.

 


 

DM of the Rings LXXXIV:
Keeping Score

By Shamus Posted Friday Apr 6, 2007

Filed under: DM of the Rings 102 comments

Legolas has the most kills
Legolas screaming like a woman.

 


 

Jade Empire: Dawn Star & Backstory

By Shamus Posted Thursday Apr 5, 2007

Filed under: Game Reviews 18 comments

Jade Empire spoilers follow…

Continue reading ⟩⟩ “Jade Empire: Dawn Star & Backstory”