DM of the Rings LXXXVI:

By Shamus Posted Wednesday Apr 11, 2007

Filed under: DM of the Rings 79 comments

Gimli plays Diablo.

By now you’re probably realizing that this week is just going to be the same joke, told three different ways. Don’t think of it as getting less jokes, think of it as me getting to play more Jade Empire last weekend!

Honestly if I ever get my hands on Final Fantasy XII, this webcomic is doomed. You’ll get ten silent panels with no punchline, strip after strip of out-of-context Monty Python quotes, and jokes which are nothing more than Viggo Mortensen making funny faces.


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79 thoughts on “DM of the Rings LXXXVI:

  1. Browncoat says:

    I’m not sure there is such a thing as an out-of-context MP quote.

    “My hovercraft is full of eels!”

    See? It works.

  2. Joey the Lemur says:

    Just as a random note: I literally wore out the buttons of my mouse playing Diablo II…

  3. Woerlan says:

    Lesson: In mass combat, never bother looting something you killed in one turn with a standard melee attack.

  4. Raved Thrad says:

    Uhh… I think it’s low and crude of a GM to have enemies carrying what amounts to unusable, barely functional items that are only valuable if you’re a monster :P

  5. Aaron Sautter says:

    Been reading this for awhile. I love this site!

    I don’t know if it’s too late, but I’m sure you could do something with the dwarf-tossing from the movie! If you think Gimli is indignant now about worthless loot, just wait until Aragorn throws him over to the bridge full of marauding orcs! ; )

  6. Telas says:

    Scrolling down, I thought this was a Dungeon Siege joke… If you don’t guard your packmule and he dies, the screen fills with his “drops”, obscuring pretty much everything else…

    It brings new meaning to the phrase, “cover your ass”.

  7. Myxx says:

    Actually, I think I would really enjoy a comic full of “jokes which are nothing more than Viggo Mortensen making funny faces”.

  8. Tola says:


    O.K, that was good.

    By the by…check this out.

    As much as people love the books…this hits a lot of truths, in a funny way.

    I’m looking forward to the explanation for those dammed Eagles, if/when we get there….

  9. Tola says:

    By the by again:

    What are ‘Samorost 2’ and ‘Starfighter 2’? They’re not games I’ve heard of.

  10. George says:

    You should rip on Warcraft next this week, similarly to how u did tony hawk and diablo

  11. Shamus says:

    Samorost had a post here a while back. Clicky.

    Starflight is a game from the late 80’s. It was open-ended space exploration. In the last 20 years I’ve not found a game that could scratch that same itch.

  12. Brian says:

    Sweet. Gimli’s about to level up.

  13. Steve Lytton/Deathblade_Penguin says:

    That scene with all the equipment reminded me of an old classic game i loved.. ADOM..

    ah the memories..

  14. Ace says:

    Got Final Fantasy XII. Ashamed to admit it’s not as brilliant as it might seem at first. Sorry to desillusion you. Didn’t play all through the game yet though, so might be wrong in saying this.

    – Ace

  15. Brughe says:

    Starflight 1 and 2 (the sequel was actually better than the original – a rare thing these days) are the ultimate in free-form exploration/RPG. The closest things in recent years have been “Earth and Beyond” (defunct MMO), EVE and the X: Beyond the Frontier series, though none of them really let you explore planets (Except EaB in a limited fashion).

    There was a Starflight 3 project being put together by some fans with the blessing of the game’s original developers. However, it seems to have sadly fizzled out.

  16. Anders says:

    I’ve always been of the mind that every opponent, and this is mostly for computer games, should drop everything they are carrying. “I know that this troll has an axe, it used it to hit me with it!” and “I can still see the hat on the elf, I want to loot it”. But the, that would mean being full of loot and the only way to remove that would be less monsters and that means less action which means less sales.

    Hmmm, FF 12 sounds interesting, maybe I should check it out.

  17. Blindeye says:

    FFXII is great if you were sick of the fighting system FFs have been using since the first.

    If you like the same game over and over, FFXII isn’t for you.

  18. Woerlan says:

    FF XII finally left the original combat modes for a more realistic and interactive mode of play. Selecting spells,using special techniques, targeting opponents and equipping items still freeze time to allow you to go through menus, but with the proper use of the gambit system, you can actually go through non-boss opponents without stopping time and delaying the action.

    It’s a very good hybrid of standard static RPG combat and a more MMORPG-eque style.

    Now if only their CLOTHING changed with what armor they were wearing too… ^_^

  19. Caius says:

    A Diablo II reference… I loved this comic before, but now your my hero

  20. Blindeye says:

    Don’t get me started on what the FFXII characters are wearing.

  21. Ian Gunn says:

    Ah Diablo II, how I button mash thee.

  22. Justin says:

    Diablo II, how I love(d) thee, let me count the ways…

    Did they ever make it into a tabletop RPG?

  23. Snowolf says:

    Excellent! Diablo II reference FTW! Love ya, love yer show.

    Oh, and yes, the did make it into a tabletop RPG. I think it was a d20 license.

  24. ChristianTheDane says:

    Lol, that one caught me off guard.

    And there is no such thing as too many python gags or silent panel jokes. Cyanide and Happiness more often than not make silence their punchline ;D

  25. Jonathan says:

    Space Sim Spam:

    For those of you who still long for a good old-fashioned freeform space game along the lines of “Elite” or “SunDog” or “Privateer”, I’ve absolutely fallen in love with “Space Rangers 2”. Don’t buy the retail box though; it’s got StarForce malware on it. Get it online instead. I bought my copy from for twenty bucks. No DRM, no bullshit.

    Incidentally, I freakin’ love this webcomic.

  26. Proteus says:

    “By now you're probably realizing that this week is just going to be the same joke, told three different ways.”

    Yeah, it’s sinking in.

  27. Gandalf The Monk says:

    If you’re missing Starflight, you should check out Escape Velocity – it used to be mac-only, but they finally started releasing it for the PC. Very good, open, and interesting storyline(s)

  28. Saelwen says:

    “You should rip on Warcraft next this week, similarly to how u did tony hawk and diablo”

    Please don’t… It’s been done before.

    I’ve always loved reading your comic so far! You may not see me, but I’m here every update ;) Keep m comin!

  29. Aaron says:

    Ahh Diablo 2, how I STILL button mash thee …

    As for FFXII: I just traded that game in. The Gambit system is great for about 10 lvls, then you realize that the game is, in fact, playing itself! If I wanted a game that played itself I’d get a used version of Gran Turismo 4 and watch the computer driver do a 24 hour version of some track in Germany.

    The Diablo RPG was actually a part of the old D&D 2nd Ed system, it came out right before 3rd Ed. I purchased it and then used the magic table in it so my players were totally confused because they didn’t get their Magic Death Blade of Titan (and everything else) Slaying. Gotta keep’em on their toes.

    When I scrolled down to see the D2 scene I thought I would die laughing! Nice strip!

  30. Steve says:

    Browncoat Says:
    I'm not sure there is such a thing as an out-of-context MP quote.

    “My hovercraft is full of eels!”

    See? It works.

    I once worked in a machine tool factory in the UK that was visited by a (Soviet) Russian team (Two engineers and a ‘liason’, I kid you not).

    A colleague who was fluent in Russian wrote a handy-dandy phrasebook full of phrases that he claimed meant something innocuous (such as ‘nice weather we’re having today’) but actually were scandalous political slanders (such as ‘Good morning freeloaders, You won’t find a mountain of surplus EC butter going cheap here’) and distributed it widely around the factory.

    He was also responsible for some libelous cyrillic graffiti on the urinal in the executive washroom that was ascribed to me, even though I knew exactly one phrase in Russian, and that was ‘Goodbye’.

    It did result in a staff meeting in which the boss (glaring at me the whole time) announced ‘The practice of writing Cyrillic graffiti on the urinals will cease forthwith’. The real culprit looked up with eyes the size of dinner plates and said innocently ‘But how do we know it wasn’t one of them?’ It was worth getting blamed just to see the boss’s face turn bright red with rage.


  31. falkryn says:

    my freind has XII, said he likes for the no random battles…looks fun anyway

  32. Annikai says:

    For the love of god don’t buy Final Fantasy XII, not because it’s a bad game but because it is such an awesome time suck that we will never see the comic again.

  33. Nogard Codesmith says:

    LotR leads to moria, moria leads to angband, angband leads to diablo.
    How much more of a direct connection between LotR and Diablo could you ask for?

  34. Marmot says:

    This one cracked me up like there was no tomorrow; again and again you manage to make comics each better than the last one!

  35. Salen says:

    Hehehe. I hate when that happens in Diablo! That reminds me… none of the badguys in LotR seem to drop any good items… except the wizard Saurumon, and thats just an orb that messes folks up.

  36. Spongie says:

    I never realised how many funny faces Viggo Mortensen pulled until I saw the screencaps… :)

    On the topic of space-flight / trading games along the lines of the classic Elite, I’ve been playing a remake, Oolite (google it). Lots of user-made add-ons in the form of new missions, new ships (which are available to purchase), and so on. Combat’s a lot more dangerous than in the original, too. Makes a mockery of having all these PC games sitting on my shelf if I’m ignoring them, really :D

  37. sleepyfoo says:

    I found that the gambits I had set up were generally good enough for boss fights as well.

    With the way the rest of the combat system was set up, the gambits were very nice, however it did feel like the game was playing itself alittle too much. The Espers were useless.

    Otherwise I thought the game was really good. And it had a reasonably interesting story and avoided many of the RPG cliches.

  38. alogen says:

    Heh, I wonder, who do they get to do actual damage if it’s useless?

    The diablo and gimli’s avatar was awesome! :) And yes I read that comic since beginning awesome one! :)

  39. John Thompson says:

    All I know is that, when it comes to looting armies, historically all the good stuff was back in camp. Practically, just find the guy with the crooked dice to find all the coinage. And what is the value of bad quality armor and cheap weapons when there are thousands of sets lying rusting in pools of blood-stained water anyway? Too many gamers have been too conditioned for too long about looting bodies.

  40. Zanarkand Ranger says:

    Final Fantasy XII’s problem isn’t the gambit system, thats pretty handy. Its problem is there is only a very weak plot, and most of the characters have…umm, no character I guess. What there is of the threadbare plot is a rip off of the star wars movies (except no light sabres). Its got nothing on Final Fantasy X.

    It goes without saying, but I love the comic. Bring back the hobbits!

  41. Gus says:

    I’ve been reading these for a while but since you gave tribute to an excellent game, that I still play on occasion, I just had to post.

    You are a Legend.

    That is all.

  42. gigglestick says:

    Actually, after they did the D&D Diablo Boxed set for 2nd Edition that portayed the characters from Diablo II but had the dungeon (mostly) from Diablo I.

    About a year later, they did two sourcebooks for Diablo II. the first (Diablarie)had character generation, the 5 core Diablo II character classes (Amazon, Paladin, Necromancer, BArbarian, Sorceress) new spells and abilities, a few monsters. The best part though was the random magic item table. Just like in the game, you rolled for type or item (hat) and then the prefix and suffix(“Annoying” and “of whining”). All of this was also level based. So, your 3rd level characters didnt just kill the goatman and get a sword. They also found the Annoying Hat of Whining. Or hwatever. There were also some cool new types of gear.

    The second book (Hell and Back)was basically a level by level description of the basic Diablo II adventure, with each of the monsters, as well as Diablo, and his brother and the other boss mosnters, and the villages described in some detail, but not much.

    Both books were fun for over the top hack and slash (not much roleplaying) and the character classes were interesting additions to the d20 world. THe paladin was especially interesting because most of his abilities were based on supporting the party instead of just hacking things.

    Anyway, its still interesting and of some use for the GM who can blanace out the rediculously powerful magic items…

  43. Margaret says:

    Another reader waiting with anticipation for the dwarf tossing jokes. =)

  44. General Ghoul says:

    6 Telas Says:
    April 11th, 2007 at 11:11 am

    Scrolling down, I thought this was a Dungeon Siege joke… If you don't guard your packmule and he dies, the screen fills with his “drops”, obscuring pretty much everything else…

    It brings new meaning to the phrase, “cover your ass”.

    Ahhh, Dungeon Siege. The game that claims to be great, with 100’s of magic items, new spells, new monsters. But just another linear game, that wasted months of my life that I’ll never get back. Like the time I traveled back through the map from one store, maybe 5-7 maps, to the previous store because now I had some $$ to buy better stuff. But, the new store’s better stuff was too expensive, so I go back to the previous store to get it’s better stuff only to realize that the 1st store pays better for some of the crap I’ve picked up (and you know you picked up ever last scrap of junk dropped). So I reload a previous save, go through the 5-7 maps again, then go back to the 1st store to sell the loot, buy its better items, travel back through all the maps to the new store, only to realize that its better items are randomized, so THIS store actually has the better stuff to buy, except now I can’t afford it, even with selling back the stuff I just bought at the 1st store, but could have afforded it if I hadn’t spent my cash earlier.

    This is where I learned to take advantage of random items: reload until you get something you like, because if you get it in game its not cheating like porting it in through some hack program :).

  45. Scarlet Knight says:

    “That reminds me… none of the badguys in LotR seem to drop any good items… except the wizard Saurumon, and thats just an orb that messes folks up.”

    Professor Tolkien was learning how to DM with “the Hobbit”, where magic swords, mithril armor, arkenstones, and magic rings were just lying around everywhere for the finding. Ok, almost everywhere. Then he tightened up with LOTR, opening with the famous, but oft forgotten lines , “Monty Haul be d**ned!”

  46. Medium Dave says:

    A tall, pale, grey eyed Man strides in…

    Which is a fine adjunct to the strip.

  47. Steve says:

    Scarlet Knight Says:
    Professor Tolkien was learning how to DM with “the Hobbit”, where magic swords, mithril armor, arkenstones, and magic rings were just lying around everywhere for the finding.

    Well, The Hobbit was really a kid’s story written then read to help the young Christopher get to sleep at night. They could hardly have the same plot elements. A 12 year old wants different things from a story than a mature person does.

    Half the fun of the strip is the contrast between LOTR’s frugal rewards and the OTT D&D “three cherries on every kill” approach.


  48. superfluousk says:

    Ahhh. Now I’m nostalgic for Diablo II. Good times, good times.

  49. superfluousk says:

    >A 12 year old wants different things from a story than a mature person does.

    Yeah, a mature person wants hookers.

  50. Telas says:

    A 12 year old wants different things from a story than a mature person does.

    Silly ideas like this are what brought us the Star Wars prequels.

    1. smiley dude says:

      HEY!!! EPISODE 3!!

  51. Tola says:


    Uh…Mr/Mrs Telas…could you explain that? It…doesn’t add up. You’re trying to slam the Star Wars Prequels, but I don’t understand the HOW of it. Yes, I know, explaining a joke kills it, but I’m…lost on this one.

  52. Tola says:

    Given the leaps and things Gimli makes…would you class him as a Diablo 2 Barbarian, I wonder?

    Legolas is clearly an Amazon.

    And as ever, Aragorn and Gandalf evade classification. Maybe Paladins?

  53. “Hey Gimli, there’s treasure on the bridge!”

    “Treasure?!!! – Aragorn, throw me now!”

    And that was when we had to rescue the greedy little bugger.

  54. Louis says:

    Hello, just want to say what a great job you’re doing.
    Gimli is not much of a “team” player, is he? heh.

  55. Scarlet Knight says:

    Tola Says:
    “Legolas is clearly an Amazon.”

    Please, don’t go there. Aragorn is confused enough with the elves. Besides, Legolas is not in a chain mail bikini…

  56. Telas says:

    Uh…Mr/Mrs Telas…could you explain that? It…doesn't add up.

    They call me… MISTER TELAS!!! :P

    Explanation: The remakes and prequels were aimed not at kids, but at what an adult thinks kids are…

    When someone like George Lucas (*spits*) thinks that kids want different things from a story than adults want, we get things like Ewoks and Jar-Jar Binks (*spits, curses*). Adding stone-age teddy bears and the worst racial stereotype since the D&D movie’s Snails (*spits*) to a series that had already captured the imagination of children everywhere makes those movies worse.

    “Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.” -G.K. Chesterton

  57. Tola says:

    And D+D tells kiddies that only a Wizard can kill Dragons.


    The damm things, being treated as high-level casters, cannot be killed by a ‘brave, bold knight’. Mainly because he’s a high-level caster. Unless he’s throwing the fight for some obscure reason, but what are the chances of that?

  58. Tola says:

    Please, don't go there. Aragorn is confused enough with the elves.

    There’s no other class with insane bow skills, that can also do close work(Passive tree). Or do you want to call him a Rogue or rather ‘Sister(Brother?) of the Sightless Eye?

  59. Destroy Gundam says:

    This is, hands-down, my favorite out of all of them. Don’t see why he’s complaining, though. I’ve killed my fair share of creatures with a “Low quality short bow” or a “Damaged throwing knife”.

  60. Tony says:

    I LOVE the diablo 2 reference, extremely well done

  61. sybill says:

    “Honestly if I ever get my hands on Final Fantasy XII, this webcomic is doomed”

    FFXII isn’t bad i bought it a few days ago to try and get some time away from WoW (ADD and all). The one major thing i can suggest is not to get to much into it all at once. it’s too easy to push through the game and forget to level and then not be adequate level for the monsters ahead in the plot and have to go back to a previous save point and go grind out xp and go back to the monster again (yes i speek from experience)

    And i would like to say i love the comics been reading them for hours. Good work!!

  62. mocking bird says:

    No death of Haldir? A scene with all of them drooling over the cool stuff on his body followed by ‘we will take him back to Lorien for a proper burial’ would have been classic. What is it with Middle Earth with all the cool stuff getting buried? If Durin IV had Durin I’s stuff (axe and belt for example) they might have beaten the Balrog.

  63. Klodin says:

    You know, you probably should have put legolas and aragorn portraits since Glimli can neither be his own party or his own mercenary. It doesn’t show in D2.

  64. Gamergor says:

    I think it’s ironic, when you kill an orc and find he has a low quality sword. Yet when he fought you the sword worked normal and did full damage.

  65. Toil3T says:

    Throwing knives tend to go for a few hundred gold in Diablo II.

    Tola wrote:
    “Given the leaps and things Gimli makes…would you class him as a Diablo 2 Barbarian, I wonder?

    Legolas is clearly an Amazon.

    And as ever, Aragorn and Gandalf evade classification. Maybe Paladins?”

    I’d say that Aragorn’s more like a Fighter, and Gandalf is more like a Sorceror, both from the original Diablo.

  66. Cynder says:

    I can’t wait to see what Aragorn’s doing with his gaming time…

    This Diablo game looks cool, I think I’m gunna check it out.

    And this DEFINATELY is beggining to look more like an MMORPG. Perfect. :)

  67. Mina says:

    honestly, that is THE funniest video game reference yet. I’m going to puke out my stomach one of these days because of you. You are the reason I’m going to die horribly with a big, stupid grin on my face.


  68. Wilxy-x says:

    Another nice low loot joke

    TURN UNDEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  69. dyrnwyn says:

    i used to say axe instead of ask by accident all the time

  70. Aragorn says:

    hey i play diablo!!!! :P :D :P

  71. Aragorn says:

    i do and diablo 3 will RULE!!!

  72. Kasper says:

    The GM’s I’ve had have been pretty good at keeping the loot on par with the enemy, but I’ve noticed that many games have a strange balance of these.
    How often haven’t an arcane artifact been found on an enemy who inexplicably failed to use it?

  73. Ok, that was really, REALLY funny

    Haha. Diablo.

    Shamus, you are AMAZING.

    Btw: there is nothing that sucks more than killing a “Gold Dragon” elite in WoW and finding NOTHING on it.

  74. That is AMAZING! Shamus, you are the fucking MAN!

  75. Aragorn says:

    LOL I play diablo on battlenet, add Katman/kat_man :D

  76. silver Harloe says:

    > “My hovercraft is full of eels!”

    I have HAD IT up to HERE with these mother f- eels on this mother f- hovercraft.

  77. MajorDrakkus says:

    This strip…actually made me squeal with embarrassing girly laughter.

  78. smiley dude says:

    Punning? Punning?!

    What is he, a dashing swordsman?

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