Spoiler Warning Hitmas 1-Merry Hitmas!

By Shamus Posted Wednesday Aug 31, 2011

Filed under: Spoiler Warning 83 comments

I really don’t like how commercialized Hitmas has become. When I was kid, Hitmas was about crazy, life-ending butchery in the name of a paycheck. Now people are so obsessed with shaved heads, sunglasses, and barcode tattoos. They’ve forgotten the true meaning of the holiday and instead are focused on shallow, superficial things. It’s cheapened the celebration and taken the joy out of contractually-arranged assassination.

But not Rutskarn. Rutskarn understands the True Meaning of Hitmas:


Link (YouTube)

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. I’m so happy right now that I could beat a man to death with a fruitcake.

This is just a one-week deal. We’ll do something else special for Spoiler Warning next week (maybe even more Hitman, we haven’t decided yet) and then we’ll launch the next season on September 13.

 


 

Autoblography Part 5: Flower Child

By Shamus Posted Wednesday Aug 31, 2011

Filed under: Personal 90 comments

It’s 1979, and I’m in second grade. School is much the same as last year, so let’s talk about home life instead.

My family: Patrick, Mom, THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, and me. We still talk about her haircut to this day.  Oh, seventies, you dismal crime against aesthetics.
My family: Patrick, Mom, THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, and me. We still talk about her haircut to this day. Oh, seventies, you dismal crime against aesthetics.

Mom has to get up early, take us to the babysitter, then drive an hour to work. After work she drives an hour to get home, picks us up, and cooks dinner while we watch Mr. Rogers, Sesame Street, or The Electric Company on our 14″ Black-and-White television. She might save time if we had a microwave, but who can afford exotic cutting-edge things like that? Microwaves are for rich people. Besides, some people say they might accidentally bombard your face with radiation and melt your skin or give you cancer or something.

Never heard of The Electric Company? I’m talking about this show:

Continue reading ⟩⟩ “Autoblography Part 5: Flower Child”

 


 

Autoblography Part 4: I Hate Paperwork

By Shamus Posted Tuesday Aug 30, 2011

Filed under: Personal 263 comments

I apologize of these entries seem grim and joyless. I’m trying to capture the mood of the time. I promise they won’t all be bellyaching about school. We have not hit the worst, but neither have we visited the best.

1978. First grade. My teacher is pretty, but I really hate this school stuff. I stand outside my classroom and watch those huge people file into the room with the metal 6 on the door. Grade SIX? That’s FIVE years away. I can’t imagine such an expanse of time. I will never be that old.

Shoguns!
Our Christmas presents that year were the SHOGUN WARRIORS. (Check out this 1978 commercial. I don’t remember it at all, but I’ll bet I saw it a hundred times.) On the left is Pat, who got the Shogun that launches a big plastic fist. I got the one that shoots missiles out of his hand. When I say ‘missiles’, I’m not talking about a blinky light, or a sound effect, or a bit of missile-shaped foam. I’m talking about real, pointy bits of plastic that can be aimed at the eyeballs of children for fun and excitement. Good times.

I hate writing. I enjoy composing the words themselves, but I hate the act of writing them down with a pencil. It’s very slow and uncomfortable.

I’m still going to special classes. “Special Ed[ucation]” they call it. Apparently, they are worried about my ability. I do not care at all. I do like being in special ed, though. The kids here are various types of misfits, so I don’t stick out quite as badly. There is a mix of ages and grades, and I feel less like a cog and more like an individual when I’m here.

I still make a lot of letters backwards, so I’m in here for help with “reading”. Although, I can read just fine. I just can’t remember which way letters need to face, and either way looks correct.

Continue reading ⟩⟩ “Autoblography Part 4: I Hate Paperwork”

 


 

Autoblography Part 3: Welcome to Kindergarten

By Shamus Posted Monday Aug 29, 2011

Filed under: Personal 277 comments

shamus_1977_school.jpg

It's the first day of kindergarten, and I am terrified. September 1977. That green thing is a name tag, which someone has fastened to my shoulder instead of the front of my shirt. It rubs against me and pokes me in the face all day, but I never try to move it. I mean, I guess it’s supposed to be on my shoulder for a reason, right?

Yes, those pants are ridiculous, even by the fashion-deficient standards of the day. This actually becomes important later.

Being born at the end of August, I am very near the age cut-off date for starting school. I could either have began school in 1976 and been the youngest kid, or wait until 1977 and been the oldest. Mom looked at my social skills and concluded that I needed another year. And so I begin my school career at age six. Even with the slight age advantage, I am still unprepared and unable to relate to the other kids.

As I enter the classroom, I see jumping balls for the first time. You know, these things:

shamus_jumping_ball.jpg

I am transfixed by them. There are only three of them available, and we're only allowed to play with them for a few minutes at the beginning of the day. By the time I arrive at school, other kids are already using them. I’ll usually stand there by the play area, hoping someone will just… I don’t know… offer me one? Or something. I don’t know how this works. What are the rules? Everyone else seems to know how to get a turn.

Do I ask? Maybe I should ask.

Continue reading ⟩⟩ “Autoblography Part 3: Welcome to Kindergarten”

 


 

Autoblography Part 2: Preschool

By Shamus Posted Friday Aug 26, 2011

Filed under: Personal 154 comments

shamus_1972.jpg

When I was a baby, I was a climber. I was slow to walk, eager to climb. I walked by holding onto things long after most kids were comfortable walking freely. I would hand-hold around the edge of a room rather than walk through the big open space in the middle. On the other hand, I was climbing stuff way before it would even be considered normal or reasonable.

I hated my crib. Before I was able to walk, I learned how to pull myself up and (apparently) do some sort of chin-up and get myself over the railing. I would then fall four feet onto the floor below. Mom would hear the thud, then me crying. She’d come up, comfort me, wait for me to nod off, put me back in my crib, and go back downstairs.

Two minutes later: THUD. Whhaaaaaaaa!

Continue reading ⟩⟩ “Autoblography Part 2: Preschool”

 


 

Autoblography Part 1: James Young

By Shamus Posted Thursday Aug 25, 2011

Filed under: Personal 91 comments

shamus_1973_family.jpg

Jim, to everyone who knew him.

Six months before I was born, he suffered a stroke that very nearly killed him. Cerebral hemorrhage. He was 29 years old. He collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. A couple of days later he woke up. The good news was that there was no obvious brain damage. The bad news was that all that blood had formed a clot in his brain that would kill him sooner or later if it wasn't removed.

Continue reading ⟩⟩ “Autoblography Part 1: James Young”

 


 

Ding 40!

By Shamus Posted Wednesday Aug 24, 2011

Filed under: Landmarks 178 comments

So today, I turn 40. Where do I go to get my mount?

This has been an interesting journey. I was born at about the same time as the personal computer, although I wouldn’t be aware of them for almost a decade. Here at 40, I’m writing [approximately] every day to tens of thousands of people all over the world, using a computer that is more powerful than the combined processing of every computer that existed before 1971. I could name a lot of other everyday technologies that would have stunned the people of 1971, but they’re all a bit modest in comparison to the one-two-punch of personal computer + internet. I got to see it happen, which was kind of special. I suppose my great-grandparents have me beat, seeing the rise of sanitation, ubiquitous electricity, indoor plumbing, modern medicine, and the automobile. But this internet thing is a close second.

Anyway. Birthday. For the next week or so I’m going to be doing something different. I’m going to write about my life. It will be a sort of an abridged autobiography, in the form of a series of blog posts.

At one point my father taught a creative writing course at Slippery Rock University. On the first day, he went around the room and had each person say why they wanted to take this class, or what they were hoping to write. At one point a young man said he planned to write his autobiography.

My dad looked down at this twenty-year old kid and said, “Okay, but who is going to give a shit?”

That’s my father. We’ll talk more about him later.

In the meantime, I don’t really have a good answer to his question. I don’t know that anyone is interested in reading my story. It’s not particularly exotic, heartwarming, insightful, or gut-wrenching. It’s just a bunch of stuff that happened to one human being, just like everyone else’s story.

My father was also a poet. His work was short and mostly free-form verse. He had a dear friend, Greg, who wrote these epic poems that went on for pages and pages. Dad used to tell him, “If it’s more than half a page, it’s not poetry. It’s therapy.” There’s some truth in that, and I’m sure it applies to a lot of art. Any serious expression of emotion is likely the artist working through or trying to understand something in their own experience.

I will not be offended if you skip these autobiographical posts. I might even be relieved. I’m writing them for my own benefit, and if you get anything out of them, then understand it is an unintended side-effect of my grappling with my own past, trying to set it all in order before it’s forgotten. Life is short, and (statistically speaking) mine is more than halfway over.

So now that we have that out of the way….

Happy Birthday to me! Wheeee!

shamus_1981_birthday.jpg

Here I am, turning 10. It would be a quarter century before anyone would look at this cake and think to make a joke about it being a lie. So I had that going for me. On the other hand, that wallpaper! Ugh.