Pringles

By Shamus Posted Thursday Nov 19, 2009

Filed under: Movies 60 comments

This advertisement is beyond the ken of my feeble human mind, and I demand that someone explain it to me:


Link (YouTube)

I can’t even tell if they’re making fun of or celebrating the games depicted. Or how either of them relates to fried potatoes in a can.

Via.

 


 

Borderlands: The Gun Lottery

By Shamus Posted Wednesday Nov 18, 2009

Filed under: Game Reviews 58 comments

The four playable characters / classes of borderlands are:

borderlands_cast.jpg

Lilith is a crit-stacking character with some area-of-effect spells. Mordecai is the sniper. (He also has the pet bird which is either completely worthless or the single most powerful attack in the game, depending on how you spend your skill points.) Despite being the “soldier”, Roland is actually the team medic / re-supply engineer. Brick is Brick. Brick punches. Brick also use rockets.

I’ve clocked some serious hours on this game. I’ve taken two different characters (a Brick and a Lilith) into their 20’s as part of a group. I’ve taken a single-player character (another Brick) to level 40. (The initial play-through ends in the early 30’s.) I’ve also taken a Roland and a Mordecai into their 20’s solo. That, and I have a couple of characters in their teens. I haven’t done the math yet, but that’s a lot of play time.

One of the things that is greatly confusing the discussions about the game mechanics is the number of different versions of the game. I’ve been told there are pronounced differences between the PC and Xbox offerings, which is further complicated by the fact that the PC version was patched at some point and important changes were made. (And the “full patch notes” are not actually entirely full. For example, try driving the car pre-patch and you’ll notice how easily it was to get caught on the most trivial scenery. Yet changes to the car aren’t even mentioned in the notes. What other slight changes or fixes are in there?)

So when we’re arguing about what weapons “work” or are “unbalanced” we’re not the group of blind men describing different parts of an elephant. We’re blind people describing what could be entirely different creatures, which may not even be part of the same zoo.

borderlands_guns.jpg

Guns each have stats, some of which (like accuracy) are shown in the interface and some (like reload speed) which can only be determined through use.

In the patched version, the sniping mechanics are broken. I wondered why I was having so much trouble sniping in this game. I’ve done a lot of FPS sniping in my day, and I’m familiar with how this usually works. I had a lot of instances where I was pretty sure I should have hit someone but didn’t. But you normally can’t make an accusation like this on the internet, or the people who have lashed their self-esteem to their “skillz” will dogpile with accusations of sucking, newbishness, and whining. But the vanishing sniper bullet has happened often enough and reliably enough that I’m prepared to say the hit detection is, in fact, utter hogwash. Far too often I find myself thinking, “What IS this dude’s hit-box shaped like? Because it’s not shaped anything like his body.

I was giving the game the benefit of the doubt, assuming that the “accuracy” stat of the gun was throwing off my aim so that I’d miss even when I had the target all lined up. That’s plausible enough, although the misses and hits were often grouped suspiciously.

After spending many hours with the sniper rifle, I’m convinced it’s a simple hit-box problem and not some slight subtlety with the accuracy rating. In short: Sometimes you just can’t hit a dude, no matter what. He’s behind some knee-high cover and I’m shooting at him over the top of (say) a box or something. Yet round after round will magically pass through him. Did I miss? Did the gun miss? Did I blink? Then, I move into the open and he stops standing behind the knee-high wall and suddenly I can repeatedly ding him in the forehead without fail.

I satisfied my doubts on this last week when I found myself above some dudes. I aimed downward, put the dot right on the head of my target, pulled the trigger, and “missed”. Again. And again. Every time. He was standing still and he wasn’t that far away. And my aim wasn’t off. The bullet was passing through his skull and striking the ground behind him. I couldn’t see the bullet impact (which was obscured by his head) but I could see the dirt it kicked up, which from my vantage point formed a halo of dirt around his cheating, lame-ass skull. I aimed center-torso, and still hit nothing. Then the two of us changed position and I dropped him with a single shot. Hmmm.

I suspect there is also a maximum distance, after which the bullet abruptly vanishes rather than dropping and losing effectiveness, but I don’t know. It’s a bit hard to study when people are trying to kill you, and when people aren’t doing that there’s no way to study.

This is not to say that the sniper rifle is underpowered. Aside from frustrating hit-detection shenanigans the thing is perfectly serviceable, and sometimes a sniper rifle is the perfect tool for the job. But the dodgy hit mechanics really are a killjoy sometimes. It’s like playing sports with a bad referee.

borderlands_moon.jpg

Depending on how you look at it: Either the rocket launcher is lame or the shotgun is overpowered. A standard-issue shotgun is going to have roughly the same damage output as a launcher of the same quality and level. Except that rockets pass through standard guys, so you must aim at their feet to deal splash damage. This means anyone behind a waist-high barrier or at the top of a small rise will be immune to rockets. Launchers fire more slowly and have a smaller capacity than shotguns, and the rounds themselves are rarer and you can carry less of them. Worst of all, rockets can’t ever score critical hits, which are a huge part of the game. (And rockets also have the obvious disadvantage that you can hurt yourself with them.) Wall-based splash damage is kind of dodgy and suspect, and a few times I had rockets go through a mook and strike the wall a meter behind him without dealing any damage whatsoever. So rocket launchers deal the same damage as shotguns, aside from all of their various disadvantages that make them less reliable, efficient, and versatile.

I stacked all of my skill points into the rocket-launcher focused branch of Brick’s skill tree, and it was never a contest: The shotgun outperformed it every time, going all the way from level 20 to level 40, through several generations of weapons. There was never a time when a launcher was my weapon of choice, because I always had a shotgun that outperformed it.

Another thing confusing the discussion on weapon mechanics is the extreme randomness of the weapon stats. The more you use a type of weapon, the more you’ll gain skill-ups in that weapon class and thus the better you’ll be at it. But when it comes to choosing a good weapon, you’re really at the mercy of the random number generator. As you level, you’re going to find truckloads of ordinary weapons, and a very small number of godlike foe-blasting treasures. It’s possible you’ll want to focus on sniping, but find yourself with an SMG so exceptional that it’s just not worth getting out your good-but-not-remarkable rifle. This is particularly true in the early game, when you’ll outgrow weapons rapidly and your arsenal will see a lot of turnover.

Example: Mordecai was my first character. He was fun, but the game felt a little hard and even when the hit mechanics worked my rifles just didn’t have the oomph that would make them fun to use. I found myself using a shotgun most of the time, even though I had all of these points in skills to boost my sniper rifle. Then I started a new game as Lilith, and the first sniper rifle she encountered (at level 7 or so) had a damage output of 250, which was about the same damage that my Mordecai had on his rifle at level 20-ish.

250 damage at level 7 is huge, and I wish I’d screenshotted it. It was a one-shot killing machine for several levels after that, and Lilith used that sniper rifle for over ten levels. She also had a really good shotgun and never found an exceptional SMG, despite the fact that her powers are built around crit-stacking the SMG and adding elemental effects to rapid-fire shots.

In Diablo 2, you usually stuck to your class weapon. It doesn’t matter if you just found a super-extra-double rare two-handed sword, your sorceress probably wasn’t going to use it. In Borderlands we have the same looting & leveling pace, but the stats of the stuff you find will often overshadow your core skills and abilities. It doesn’t matter that you’re a Mordecai focused on sniper rifles, because that combat rifle you just found is so good it will outperform your sniper rifle anyway.

Thankfully, re-arranging your skill points is very cheap, so you can experiment and move points around to match your weapon loadout. There’s nothing wrong with this approach, it just feels… strange. In Borderlands, you are your guns, and everything else is secondary.

So when I see lots of comments from people saying “the rocket launcher is AWESOME” and others saying “the rocket launcher is balls”, it’s obvious that at least one of these two people had their opinion shaped by an exceptional weapon, or lack thereof.

borderlands_bus.jpg

Now, all of this sounds really bad, but the truth is the game is a blast anyway.

There. I spent one sentence telling you the game is awesome and 1,400 words telling you how broken it is. Which of those is going to leave a bigger impression in your thoughts? Because the one-sentence thing is probably the most important, but I couldn’t offer that without giving you the other stuff.

Who cares if the weapons aren’t balanced? Once in a while you’ll find the Holy Grail of Rocket Launchers and you’ll be blasting people to bits with it. Other times you’ll find that one shotgun that seems to be the Solution to All Problems, and you’ll use that. The latter is far, far more likely, but they’re all fun to use.

 


 

Why am I Reviewing Games?

By Shamus Posted Wednesday Nov 18, 2009

Filed under: Notices 48 comments

While writing my Borderlands review (more coming later today) and reading the comments from my previous post on the game I suddenly realized that I seem to have lost sight of the original goal I had in reviewing games.

My original goal was to just put games under a microscope and go over why various mechanics work, or not. I didn’t intend to review games in the sense of “thumbs up / thumbs down” sort of way, because the internet is lousy with that sort of business and lots of people do that better than I do. (Hint: Most people don’t want to read 5,000 words over the course of two weeks to determine if they should get a game or not.) But I seem to have gravitated towards that lately. I’m not sure if this is just an easy and welcoming rut for a writer, or if my approach has been shaped by feedback.

Kind of odd. I feel like someone who has just arrived in New York, put his car into storage, secured a hotel room, and unpacked his bags. And then he suddenly remembers he’d meant to go to Nashville.

 


 

Stolen Pixels #143: Mario Interview Part 2

By Shamus Posted Tuesday Nov 17, 2009

Filed under: Column 10 comments

Here is part 2 (of 3) of Dr. Breen interviewing Mario.

These Breen comics are a lot of fun, and much easier to write than the normal stuff I do. (Partly it’s because it’s not such an uphill battle getting screenshots.)

 


 

A Star is Born:
Let’s Play Champions Online Pt. 9

By Shamus Posted Tuesday Nov 17, 2009

Filed under: Shamus Plays 38 comments

One of the great joys of being a superhero is to get up on something tall and then stand around brooding and looking down on all the little people.

staronchest_vanity1.jpg

I think I need to increase the draw distance, because I can’t see them from up here.

Does it seem like we’ve been stuck in Canada for a long time? The truth is, I’ve skipped about a third of the Canadian missions here in this write-up. The whole thing feels like it goes on for a couple of hours longer than it really should.

Back at base I meet Lt. Dougls McKenzie (sigh) who informs me that a Dr. Karl Severisen (sigh) has built an observation post to the north and is monitoring the activities of the terrorist group Viper. (Sigh.) Viper is Canada’s other terrorist group. While not as numerous as the Hunter-Patriots, they wear schoolbus-yellow body armor instead of parkas and have zap guns instead of rifles. They also live inside of sprawling high-tech complexes instead of standing around outside waiting to die of exposure, unlike some terrorist groups I could mention.

staronchest_severisen.jpg

Quite a base you have here, Doc. You got yourself a crate and everything. Maybe you should requisition a calculator instead of just poking the palm of your hand like that. And is the bush supposed to be in here with you?

Doc has a bunch of jobs for me, all of which can be summed up as “get all up in their business and wreck their stuff”.

I really like this Viper section of the game. It’s nice to have some foes that feel like appropriate adversaries for a superhero instead of appropriate adversaries for Scooby-Doo. (I’m looking a you, Mr. Zombie.)

LOWER LEFT: Severisen’s tiny outpost. EVERYTHING ELSE: Viper’s massive terrorist enterprise.
LOWER LEFT: Severisen’s tiny outpost. EVERYTHING ELSE: Viper’s massive terrorist enterprise.

I tear through the Viper base, smashing the things that need to be smashed, shaking down the guys for lab documents, freeing their prisoners, bashing their faces in, and generally making sure that the terrorists are going to have a lot to bitch about in the terrorist break room at the end of the day.

I head back to Dr. Severisen and get my next batch of orders. This doesn’t take long, seeing as how he basically built his outpost on Viper’s front lawn.

Yes, that’s a Viper building right behind the Doc, but they’re actually even closer than they seem. Right over the little hill behind him is a bunch of Viper soldiers and tech.  If the ground were level, they’d be close enough for a decent game of Frisbee.
Yes, that’s a Viper building right behind the Doc, but they’re actually even closer than they seem. Right over the little hill behind him is a bunch of Viper soldiers and tech. If the ground were level, they’d be close enough for a decent game of Frisbee.

Because combat in this game is basically a time sink with no reward, it’s common for players to run into a group of foes, destroy the equipment being guarded, and then jog away without ever making any effort to engage the enemy. The upshot is that heroes will sometimes be leading a parade of enraged villains. In another MMO this sight would cause you to think “Oh no! That player is in trouble and trying to escape!” But in Champs Online, it usually means they’re just in a hurry and can’t be arsed to deal with their pursuers.

Then things get really silly when this happens around Dr. Severisen. Because he’s so close to the Viper base, it’s not uncommon for a player to drag a handful of Viper into his outpost. When this happens, the good Doctor goes berserk. Dr. Severisen is an unarmed civilian, but he and his men are level 35. The content in this area is 13-ish. Doc is fully capable of single-handedly eliminating the Viper presence in this area of Canada with his bare hands.

What will usually happen is that an enemy Viper will enter his aggro range and he’ll turn and run towards them. This brings him closer to the nearby base, and so once he gets going he usually won’t stop until he’s cleaned the place out. This is hilarious to see, although it’s really, really annoying if you’re trying to turn in a quest and he runs off. You end up chasing him all over the place, frantically clicking on him and trying to activate the next mission so you can get on with things.

And of course, after he goes Rambo on the enemy base it does sort of make you feel a little less super.

Next up Dr. Severisen has a more ominous job for me: The guy in charge of the Viper lab is Dr. Manfred Klaus. I need to take him down. Doc warns me that there is more to Klaus than meets the eye. He also tells me to take some backup.

I assure the good Doctor I can handle the Klaus clown on my own.

I hope. During the past couple of missions I was over-leveled a bit. Now I’m pretty much all done with that lower-level content and fighting the stuff I should be. If not for my vast array of broken, over-powered abilities, I would probably need to head into zone chat and start advertising for a group to help me through this.

And speaking of powers, it’s time to get a new one. Today’s broken ability is Force Shield, a block ability. There are a half dozen or so abilities that replace the standard block. For example, there’s one that will charge your next attack. So, you block, take some damage, and then return some of that damage the next time you attack. That’s nice, but it just can’t compare to Force Shield.

Force Shield vastly reduces incoming damage while it’s up, and at the same time it turns incoming attacks into endurance energy. By spending an advantage you can make the shield persist for a few seconds after using it. So, you tap the block button for just a moment before you enter battle, and then while you’re beating them senseless their attacks will be keeping your energy bar full, thus letting you spam your most powerful abilities with impunity.

We’ll see if it’s enough to get me through this 2-player mission.

Here I am on approach to the Viper lab.  The place has anti-air missile launchers to soften up incoming superheroes.  That’s actually a nice touch on the part of the game designers.
Here I am on approach to the Viper lab. The place has anti-air missile launchers to soften up incoming superheroes. That’s actually a nice touch on the part of the game designers.

I stride in to the lab like I owned the place. It’s… crowded in here.

That’s a lot of guys. And is that a tank? It looks like a tank. WHY IS THERE A TANK?
That’s a lot of guys. And is that a tank? It looks like a tank. WHY IS THERE A TANK?

I’ll add that at least two of these guys are “villain” class foes instead of “henchmen” class, which means they’re a good bit tougher.

I don’t have any of those fancy ranged superpowers like some heroes. No laser eyes. No fire breath. No lightning bolts. I can’t injure people unless I’m invading their personal space, so I don’t have any choice but to wade in and fight everyone at once.

OH GOD WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BULLETS?!?
OH GOD WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BULLETS?!?

My shield, my regeneration, and my face-exploding fist all combine and allow me to prevail. I must say though, I have to really admire the terrorists for their unbreakable morale:

staronchest_viper_morale.jpg

Hey there. Do you remember a few seconds ago how this room was full of your friends and not dead bodies? Are you positive you want to keep fighting? Yes? You do want more fight? Okay then. Hold still. This might sting so bad that you die.

After I’m done clearing out the vestibule, I move on to the lab where I meet…

Right behind the big power armor is Dr. Klaus, my target.
Right behind the big power armor is Dr. Klaus, my target.

Power Armor thus dispatched, nothing stands between me and Dr. Klaus.

staronchest_viper_klaus.jpg

So. Hi there. You’re the bad guy? You look sort of scientist-y. Do we fight or… ?

As I approach, a message appears:

staronchest_viper_redstone.jpg

Klaus is actually Redstone!

Oh no! It’s…

Er. Who?

I mean, seriously. What? Who the hell is Redstone and why do I care?

This is like earlier in the game when the brain told me he was the cloned brain I was looking for. Are the writers just confused? Are they leaving things out? Are we missing a mission in here someplace? The game acts like this is a huge reveal, and despite reading the quests, I’ve never seen the name “Redstone” before now.

It’s also possible that the designers mistakenly assume I own, play, or give a crap about the Pen and Paper version of this setting.

“There is no need for this disguise any longer!”, he tells me.

Actually, I don’t really see the point of the disguise to begin with. I mean, I came in and you took it off. What were you trying to accomplish with that? Are you just really proud of the costume? What was it like, coming in to work every day disguised as an evil scientist when you’re really an evil ninja… thing?

I can imagine what the conversations must have been like around here:

HENCH THE HENCHMAN: Redstone! I have a report that-

REDSTONE: What? Who? I am Dr. Klaus.

HENCH: I… Look sir, do we have to do this right now? I mean, there aren’t even any superheroes around.

REDSTONE: CALL ME DR. KLAUS!

HENCH: (sighing.) Right. Sorry. “Dr. Klaus.” I have a report that a superhero is on his way. So, you might want to, you know, do your thing and kill him.

REDSTONE: How could a lowly scientist like myself ever hope to face a superhero?

HENCH: (Gives a halfhearted shrug.) You got me. I have no idea.

REDSTONE: You’d need a mighty supervillain to face a superhero!

HENCH: Okay. Fine. So… if you happen to bump into Redstone at some point…

REDSTONE: (nods approvingly.)

HENCH: …you could give him the message?

REDSTONE: Yes! I will pass along your message to the mighty Redstone if I see him!

HENCH: Great. Do you have any… I mean… Did Redstone mention having any other orders for us the last time you spoke with him?

REDSTONE: Yes. Redstone demands you take the tank outside and use it to guard the front door!

HENCH: We can’t. The only door in or out is the personnel door.

(Pause.)

HENCH: The tank can’t fit.

REDSTONE: Curses!

Anyway, Redstone stops being disguised and we fight.

staronchest_viper_redstone2.jpg

I don’t want to seem like a flatterer, Redstone, but I must say your head has fantastic acoustics. I could listen to the sound of me slamming my fist into the side of your idiotic skull all day long.

staronchest_viper_redstone3.jpg

What? You’re laying down? Are you sleepy? Okay then. Why don’t you go ahead and take a nap?

I return to Dr. Severisen and he lets me know that we (meaning me) are all done here. He suggests I head to Millennium City and speak with Defender.

Whew. Finally! Yeah. Let’s head for the city.

Next Time: The City of The Future!

 


 

Borderlands: Mixed Messages

By Shamus Posted Monday Nov 16, 2009

Filed under: Game Reviews 65 comments

I feel like the guy in the Monty Python skit who is trying to bad-mouth the Romans.

Borderlands is an outstanding game and is incredibly enjoyable and I hope everyone-

The rocket launcher sucks!

What?

It shoots right through people! Half the time splash damage doesn’t even register.

True, true. That’s a fair point. But aside from the stupid rocket launcher-

And the sniper rifle!

Yes. The rocket launcher and the sniper rifle. But aside from those-

And repeaters.

Well, obviously repeaters. I mean, that goes without saying. Nobody even bothers with repeaters. But aside from the rocket launchers, sniper rifles, and repeaters, its a lot of fun to-

Unless you’re fighting Mad Mel!

Yes. That one was an absolute bastard, wasn’t it? I thought I was going to tear my hair out.

And the giant Rakk. The one where you light the torches and fight it from the car?

Yeah. That was either impossible or piss easy and boring. But still, once you get past the starting area-

The whole world is mud and rust!

I guess that does get a little old. But other than the broken weapons, the difficulty spikes, the bland visuals-

And the stupid story!

The lazy ending!

The plot holes!

Don’t forget the broken matchmaking!

Yesyesyes. Look, all I’m saying is that-

Friendly-fire vehicle damage!

The same six enemies over and over!

But…

The overlong tutorial!

All those unskippable splash screens!

Don’t forget Gamespy!

I still like-

The loading screens!

Etc.

I’ve been trying to write my Borderlands review for a couple of weeks now, and I keep starting over. They problem is that I want to tell you how fun this game is, and I end up cataloging annoyances and shortcomings.

I want to go over how fun the gunplay is, and then end up with these big digressions on the broken sniper mechanics or how stupid the rocket launcher is.

I want to talk about the fun ideas in the story, but I can’t very well do that without admitting the whole thing runs aground and ends up spinning its wheels even before the end of the first act.

I want to go over the fun of teamplay, but that must be balanced against the brokenness of the matchmaking on the PC. (Xbox players shouldn’t have any problems, though.)

I want to talk about how wonderful and engaging the art style is, but end up on a tirade against the pervasive rust & brown motif, which quickly becomes monotonous.

The quests are fun and varied, but often spoiled by inexplicable difficulty spikes.

What is a reviewer supposed to do in a case like this? “The game sucks but you’ll like it anyway?” Or, “The game is awesome but deeply flawed? “How did all of these favorable review run without mentioning all of these flaws? Why has interest in the game vanished so quickly when it’s so much fun?

What I’m seeing is a game which offers intense fun at first, followed by disillusionment, followed by waning interest. And yet I still say it’s worth a look. But get the demo.

 


 

Best Web Award Awarder

By Shamus Posted Sunday Nov 15, 2009

Filed under: Movies 23 comments

How the scam used to work is this: You start a completely unknown and unremarkable website that is of no use to anyone. Then, you find a couple of more useful, more popular websites and give them an “Award” for being the “best website about [whatever the website is about]”. Send them a notice of their victory along with an image of a trophy which (and this is the important part) is to be used to link back to your worthless website. The person with the [more] popular website gets the joy of winning an award, and you get their traffic. Now, just keep giving out awards until your site is large and popular. You’ll know you’ve made it when people start giving you awards.

At least, that’s how the game worked back in the savage 90’s. Back before people knew what they were doing and understood the details behind Google pagerank. Back before people were smart and web-savvy. The game has evolved quite a bit in the last ten years, and that old trick seems sort of childish and quaint by today’s standards. Today the game works like this: It’s exactly the same, except you also use Twitter.

I went to the award site du jour and made a pick, after which it posted the following to my Twitter:

Just nominated http://www.youtube.com/user/loadingreadyrun for Funniest YouTube Channel http://mashable.com/owa #openwebawards

These auto-generated endorsements have all the genuineness of a picture of a fat girl next to a picture of a completely different, not-fat girl over a caption that reads, “I lost 100lbs in eight and a half minutes without dieting or pills!”

I voted for LoadingReadyRun mostly because of the tenuous relationship between myself and the show. Graham and Paul – two members of the legion LRR cast – also do the Unskippable series at The Escapist, which is where my webcomic runs. It’s sort of like how if you live in a crappy small town with no sports team you end up cheering for the sports team in the nearest large city, even if never go there and wouldn’t actually care if the city was nuked off the map. If they become comedy superstars, then The Escapist will become known as the launching pad for them, and I’ll be known as the guy who writes for the one site where a couple of members of Loading Ready Run used to work before they became wildly successful. And that’s just the kind of boost my career needs right now. The fact that LRR is genuinely funny and brilliant is incidental to the greater cause of promoting myself by promoting a show that’s related to a show that’s promoted on the site where I promote my blog through my webcomic.

Anyway, if you somehow missed out on the whole LRR thing, then I offer this:


Link (YouTube)

Just remember the close, personal bond between myself and the people who made that video. And think of me if they ever create a category for “Best Disjointed Rambling and raging against All Things New blog”. Because I think I’ve got a shot at that one.