Lymphocyte Justice!

By Shamus Posted Tuesday Sep 12, 2006

Filed under: Personal 6 comments

For whatever reason, a bunch of pathogens have decided that my body is a great place to hang out and look for cells to break into. What jerks.

A little breaking & entering is bad enough, but once inside these guys use the cell contents to make free copies, which are then sent all over the place. These cellular spammers have been at it for at least a couple of days. I didn’t know about the problem until I got a few complaints (from my lungs and head) letting me know that things were not ok and that I needed to Do Something about it. I am, of course, mounting an appropriate response, which includes cranking out a bunch of new dendritic cells to round up these guys and haul them off to the lymph nodes. That process is largely automated. My more direct response has been to drink tea and complain, which never seems to help, but I do it anyway because I’m a man of action.

Stallone as Cobra: You’re the disease, and I’m the cure.
Above: One of my body’s cytotoxic T-cells gets ready to show that punk virus the meaning of justice.
The arrests are happening at a decent pace I’m sure, but things won’t improve around here until we can catch the bad guys faster than they can make copies. This isn’t as easy as it sounds. Unlike arrests performed against humans, these guys don’t turn each other in. Tough guys. Code of silence, all that. Doesn’t matter. We’ll get them in the end. We always do.

On the upside, cellular pillaging is a capital crime and justice is swift for the captured. Enzymes come in an chop the guilty into smaller pieces as a warning to the others. (Which they never heed. They always have to do things the hard way.)

In the process of rounding up and killing these outlaws, we are taking a very close look at them and making some custom B-cells that will stick around long-term. They will walk a beat, keep an eye on things, and sound the alarm if they spot any of these types trying to sneak in again.

Which they will. Their kind never learns.

LATER: On further reflection, I think I shouldn’t blog while nursing a fever.


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6 thoughts on “Lymphocyte Justice!

  1. Bogan the Mighty says:

    I think I found the problem in the first place. Its no wonder your sick when it looks like your t cells are Sylvester Stallone (pretty sure that was screwed rather badly). That’s enough on its own to make someone sick. Get better!

  2. Shamus says:

    I’m sure you’re too young to remember Cobra’s catchphrase: “You’re the disease, and I’m the cure.”

  3. Acksiom says:

    On a more practical note, I recommed echinacea. I like the ‘Traditional Medicinals’ echinacea tea available at Trader Joe’s. I’ve been using it for about five years now; whenever I catch something, I make myself and my father a couple of cups a day. He’s never caught anything from me since, and my time needed to get recover has been cut by half.

  4. Paladin109 says:

    I’m late (not a habit of mine really!), but I actually think they aren’t spammers…

    They’re pirates (arr!)

    make free copies, which are then sent all over the place


  5. Andrew says:

    The only way this post could have been more awesome were if it had a Rorshach quote. That would’ve just sealed the deal.

  6. Austin says:

    Shamus Young was ill a decade ago! WOW!

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