T w e n t y S i d e d

Geralt, and Witchers in general, are thoroughly defined throughout the first 3 games, but  some details about everyone else were omitted. The upcoming DLC “Songs from the past” implies we might be playing in some kind of flashback. (Maybe?) If so, and since Ciri is taking over the narrative, I have a feeling what this might be about. So, a few important details. Or probably some completely irrelevant ones that I feel like talking about. Because we’re all dorks and nerds, and geeking out over the obscure details of fictional characters is what we do.

Emperor var Emhyr was a cursed prince- probably the biggest omission, but I get why CDPR did it. In the game he is presented as this regal, larger-than-life authoritative presence that fills every room. Reality is when he is introduced he looks like what you would get if Golum fucked a porcupine. Ciri is the daughter of Pavetta, princess of Cintra, and her cursed boyfriend Duny, who later turns out to be Emhyr var Emreis.

When Geralt first meets them, the princess is (unknowingly) pregnant with the child of Duny, who at night turns into a hedgehog-like creature. Not the fun, colorful kind that runs around collecting rings. Since Witchers aren’t just good at killing monsters, but removing curses, the Queen Calanthe of Cintra (Pavetta’s mother) asks Geralt to remove said curse. If it failed, its implied Queen Calanthe wanted Duny killed rather than allow her daughter to marry. Which is understandable from his name alone. I mean, no one asks to be cursed, but if you are at least pick out a better name than ‘Duny’. Sounds like a British euphemism for going to the bathroom.

I don’t care how handsome or rich he was, I wouldn’t want my daughter marrying anyone who willingly lets other people call him something that (for reasons I can’t explain) makes me think of an Australian outhouse.

Emhyr’s plans for Ciri were not succession- In Wild hunt, Emperor wants Ciri back so she can take over the throne. In the books his goals were far more nefarious. Again, I get why CDPR left this part out. It’s dark, disturbing and doesn’t make for a decent video game narrative. There is a 0.0% chance Geralt & Yennefer would let the Emperor be alone with Ciri. We’ll leave it at that.

Ciri and Geralt are bound together- Not with ropes or anything. That would be weird. More like the magical destiny kind of bond. After Geralt lifts the curse on Duny his payment from Queen Calanthe is The Law of Surprise. This practice is mentioned briefly as how Lambert got handed over (unwillingly) to be trained as a Witcher by his father. Since princess Pavetta doesn’t know she is pregnant, Ciri is the “surprise”. This bonds Geralt and Pavetta’s unborn child in a quasi-magical way that Sapkowski intentionally leaves vague. For 3 books Geralt keeps denying the bond, saying destiny is bullshit, but Ciri and Geralt keep running into each other in the most improbable ways. They keep choosing each other, and eventually the relationship becomes more parental than some forced magical bondage.

Speaking of bonds….- Geralt and Yennefer are bound to each by a Djinn, or Genie. Not the sexy kind that wears see-through pink clothes and lives in a bottle, either. Sapkowski’s Djinn are angry, malicious and exploit lack of specifics in whatever someone wishes. This is actually how Yen and Geralt meet. Yennefer is doing what she normally does: fuck around with stuff recklessly and releases a Djinn she doesn’t fully control. It destroys a village and is about to kill her, but Geralt uses his Last Wish (hence the name of the first book) to save her life by binding her life to his own, so the Djinn can’t kill her without harming him. His specific words are intentionally left unknown. Geralt and Yennefer have a very stressful “relationship” as a result. It’s not love, not hate. Whatever it is, its unbreakable and irresistible. Neither wants to be around the other all the time, but they find themselves drawn to each other. In the game there’s a side quest to break this bond using another wish from another Djinn. I’m not an expert on Geralt, but IMO if that bond was broken, they would never speak to each other again. At best.

They would NOT immediately activate bad idea protocols and bump uglies on the back of a unicorn.

Speaking of uglies…- Yennefer is the quintessential Queen of Hearts. With a good reason, though. She was born a deformed hunchback, not beautiful. She used magic to change her physical appearance. It’s not an illusion, but it’s not authentic either. She was born hideous, became gorgeous (is referred to as the world’s most beautiful woman) and behaves as you would expect someone who was bullied for being ugly to behave. She wields her appearance like a weapon and, to be blunt, is an unapologetic bitch. Which is OK, really. I mean…. Geralt is a surly nihilist, whose best friends are an aloof higher vampire with a drinking problem and the medieval equivalent of Jared Leto, and routinely finds himself covered in entrails.

He could do a lot worse.

Speaking of Regis….- We meet Regis during the Blood and Wine DLC (arguably one of the greatest add-ons to a game ever) and is presented as a kind of benevolent vampire who cares about humanity. Canonically he’s a walking nuclear device that views humanity as an interesting, and delicious, sociological experiment. Regis is a recovering “alcoholic”, in that he was addicted to human blood. He’s been on the wagon for decades trying to be a better person, but self-improvement doesn’t necessarily mean less terrifying. CDPR dramatically nerfs the power of Higher Vampires. In DLC, Detlaf summons a horde of lesser vampires to attack Beauclair. He wouldn’t need to.

Detlaf and Regis could take down the entire Nilfgaardian empire in a few days and still have room for pumpkin pie. Witchers are portrayed as apex predators, until you meet Regis and realize they are basically animal control.

People have nightmares about monsters.

Monsters have nightmares about Geralt.

Geralt has nightmares about beings like Regis.

The Lodge of Sorceresses isn’t just Mean Girls– Imagine if The Plastics had PhDs, could throw fireballs and thought assassination was an administrative action. When Regina George gets annoyed, she spreads a rumor. When Phillipa Eilhart gets annoyed a kingdom collapses and gravediggers work forced overtime. They think democracy is inefficient, monarchy is stupid, and natural selection is too slow. They’re Thanos without self-awareness or patience. They believe they are the smartest people in every room, and are consistently wrong. They imagine themselves to be evolved, the only rational people qualified to rule the world, yet still find themselves wrapped up in the same sophomoric romantic drama they pretend to be above. Collectively they are the only thing beneath Regis in 5e CR, but are also superficial, jealous, territorial, absurdly vain, intolerably petty and …well, kinda slutty. I guess the game got that part right.

I have a feeling some, or most of this will come up in “Songs from the past”. We’ll probably meet The Rats, Milva and/or Cahir. I highly suspect we will see the real villains in Sapkowski’s creation. Not Eredin or the Wild hunt. Leo Bonhart and Vilgefortz.

There are no monsters or characters CDPR has created that are as powerful, cruel and unapologetically evil as Vilgefortz.

Patrick Young I was part of a dare where a friend had to get 'psycho killer' tattooed on his ass. His name is Chris and lives in Alabama. To be clear: He's probably not an actual psycho killer.