T w e n t y S i d e d

In the morning, Larsa is waiting to travel with us to Bur-Omisace. He mentions running off from his escort, so yes, it seems he really is sneaking out windows at night to engage in this skullduggery. There’s probably a crowd of Judges getting their shit wrecked in Zertinan Caverns, where he purposely led them to get eaten by skulwyrms. Ashe is willing to travel there with him, but says she hasn’t quite made up her mind yet about what to do once there; it will take some convincing along the way to set her on one path or the other.Not the last time this will be the premise of our journeys. But Larsa has an ace up his sleeve, and tantalizes the princess— and the player— by revealing another reason he wanted her to come to Bur-Omisace: to meet someone, “both friend and enemy,” but he coyly refuses to say anymore until they get there.

Well, successful troll is successful, and half the party goes traipsing back to Ozmone at his well-shod heels. Meanwhile, Basch hangs back with Han and Chewie. Basch points out that Mount Bur-Omisace is in the Jagd Ramooda, and thus they have nothing to fear from Imperial air power once there.

Balthier grabs him by his fool shoulders and screams, “What the fuck do Dalmascans have against paying some goddamn attention?!” And, shaking him like an idiot child, adds, “Do you not remember last week? When exactly what you just said totally fucking happened? To us? THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE DIED!”

Fran, as always, merely stands wordlessly by, likely offended someone else would try to deal exposition or geography trivia to her, while her keen viera senses are ruffled by the shifting of a fate now viciously tempted.

Basch quickly changes the subject and asks why Balthier is even coming along. What the fuck Basch, are you trying to get more of Ashe’s personal belongings ransomed?! Balthier shrugs his shoulders, and claims he just wants to see what happens. Is this what Archadians do? Is the entire nation so bored that anyone with the means to do so just flies around fomenting Armageddon just to spectate and break up the ennui for a few minutes? Basch takes it, though; as long as he isn’t trying to steal their nethicite, he couldn’t care less.

Fran, of course, follows silently behind Balthier as he leaves, and no one questions her motivation because no one gives half a shit.

Just as we’re about to leave, War-Chief Supinelu tips his hat to the party as they leave, giving them the gift of a bitchin’ crossbow and a free chocobo ride to help us along the way before returning to his tent to continue rocking ass, all the time. Party on, Supinelu. You are a total fucking bro, and in the day of trouble you have been of more service to me than three hundred salmon.

As the party crosses out of the east edge of Ozmone Plain, Ashe and Basch talk about their plans for the future. Ashe is becoming convinced that allying with the Empire is the only way to secure peace for Dalmasca, but cannot bear the shame of capitulating to their power. Basch disagrees, though; he claims that he would bear any shame if it meant protecting his people. After all, “I could not protect my homeland,” he says. “What is shame to me?”“Unless my friend Vossler suggests it. Then it’s treachery and we kill him.”

Sigh… Alright, let’s have this out, then: Basch kind of sucks. Now, don’t misunderstand. He’s bland but largely inoffensive, and that’s good enough to put him above at least half the main party most of the time. But Basch has no arc, and spends the entire game on a tiresome rag of trying to make up for his perceived shortcomings. Now, that might work, except for Basch’s other character trait, of a total of two: he is a blameless symbol of unwavering honor. Yes, our very own Captain fon Rosenberg, having no personality flaws whatsoever, maintaining an immaculate standard of nobility and duty at all times, whose only thoughts are always and ever of risking his life fighting for the sake of his princess and his nation, just can’t get over what a shitty failure he is. Everything he does seems to carry this undercurrent. “Oh, I’m so sorry I couldn’t single-handedly repel the world’s most powerful military from your country, Princess; can you ever forgive someone as weak and useless as me?” or “Oh, Vaan, I’m so sorry your brother died in the battle where I was kidnapped, falsely marked a traitor and assassin for the rest of my life, then beaten and starved every day for two years in a sandy dungeon; Reks was such an amazing, wonderful person compared to me. Maybe I can make it up to you someday?” Rather than an arc, Basch will be given the opportunity to bring unnecessary suffering on himself, and he will accept it, because it seems knightly to him. The end.

I mean, how fucked up is it that someone who basically identifies as Lawful Good to their very foundations is never forced into some ethical dilemma? In fucking Ivalice?! What a wasted opportunity. I still like you, though, Basch.One way you can easily tell that the Travelog was written on-the-fly as a log of my impressions from moment to moment is that some of these feelings will change very noticeably over the course of the plot. Er, just saying. No specific reason.

After this scene, which goes nowhere and exists for no reason other than to showcase Basch’s guilt complex, we cut to the Imperial Palace of Archades. Judge Drace (the only female Judge), Judge Bergan (a man struggling as hard as he can to sound sinister with every line he speaks), and Judge Zargabaath (their pensive elder), are discussing the recent political goings-on. According to Bergan, the Senate is crazy to think they can get Vayne out of the picture so easily. The military loves Vayne like they love big tits, and as far as Bergan is concerned this is all Archadia needs in an emperor.

Drace isn’t convinced. Bergan’s zeal reminds her of the missing Judge Zecht, before said disappearance; he also had the utmost confidence in Vayne, and it doesn’t seem to have paid off for him, what with his likely wandering the ruins of Nabudis as a tortured zombie. Bergan doesn’t take kindly to her flippancy; he can’t stand to hear Zecht bad-mouthed, nor Vayne. Drace warns that Vayne is as ruthless as they come, but Bergan clamors for more! To him, Vayne’s ruthlessness is merely the strength of conviction necessary to run the Empire, and follow his own ideals with unflinching dedication.

Drace questions Zargabaath about his opinion. Were Vayne’s slain brothers really traitors? Can Vayne truly be trusted with rule? Zargabaath chides her, advising her merely to let sleeping dogs lie. From down the hall, Gabranth approaches, and directs Bergan and Zargabaath to go escort Lord Vayne, who has just arrived in the capital.

Drace and Gabranth tarry in the hall. She knows of Larsa’s idea to appeal to the Gran Kiltias (but not of his liaisons with Ashe, of course), thinking that the word of a traditionally neutral religious leader respected by all the world would give Ondore’s forces pause, at least for a time; that would, in turn, pause Rozarria as well, giving Archadia at least some time to regroup and fortify. If Archadia’s moment of weakness and disorganization disappears, so does Rozarria’s rationale for invasion, and the war is ended before it can begin.

The fact that the capital isn’t in an uproar about Larsa ditching his cortege and going on walkabout tells me that he probably does this shit every fucking month.

Drace couldn’t be more proud of Larsa. She exults at how frustrated the Senate will be to find Larsa can’t be controlled as they hoped. But Gabranth raises a fair point: when the Senate finds out the light touch won’t pan out, they will simply turn ugly and ruin the young lord in ways he is too inexperienced to anticipate or defend against. But Lord Vayne could neither be controlled nor assailed by them. Drace admits he is right, but makes him promise either way that they shall guide and protect Lord Larsa.

So Jahara was pretty much a wash; we didn’t learn anything about the nethicite, but we have a plan that may or may not cause a continental war and the company of a cunning little psychopath. I’m not saying I wouldn’t vote for him. But Bur-Omisace isn’t exactly just over the next hill; we’ll have to cross through a pretty dense jungle before even reaching the mountains it’s set into, and Golmore jungle isn’t exactly famous for welcoming outsiders.

Sure enough, we aren’t even halfway through before running into a glowing barrier in the path that we can’t seem to push past or dispel. Fran gives her traditional travelogue:Why did I not spell this here as I spell it in title of the thing? There’s a very good reason: I’m a hack. the jungle itself denies us passage, upset at our presence.

Ashe wants to know why the jungle thinks it’s so fucking great itself, what with its malboro infestation and man-eating panthers, but Fran shockingly has more to say than dry exposition on the environment: it’s her own fault, somehow. Without explaining, she turns and backtracks a little way to a dead-end path. Balthier seems to know what she’s up to, and is worried by it.

Fran actually needles him a little bit for the hairline crack in his composure, and begins tracing some complex glowing lines in the air in front of her. A snap of the fingers later, and a path of grass appears floating in midair, leading off through the deep jungle. The hidden way to Fran’s old village is open!

Penelo, unable to grasp the obvious subtext that Fran’s been swinging around, blurts out that they’ll be so happy to see her again after being gone for so long. Fran gives her a priceless “Oh god I thought you were the one that wasn’t brain-damaged” look before stammering that she didn’t exactly leave on pleasant terms. Once inside Eruyt Village, the viera’s enclave (two parts Ewok Village and one part Lothlórien), Fran doesn’t even bother to come further than the entrance. She tells us to look for Mjrn, and bring her around.

A couple of moogles wander in behind us; they’re actually a pair of merchants that we busted out with Ashe on our first trip to the Leviathan. Great job, guys! Not even a minute after opening up the secret viera village and we’ve let in a pair of ex-cons. Oh wait, I forgot our own party: two ex-cons, two fugitives, two career criminals, an exile, a Norse trickster god, and Penelo. Lock your doors, ladies!

Once beyond the foyer, we get a vista of the weeaboo conception of Heaven: a verdant paradise of tall, thin, dark-skinned, white-haired elf girls with bunny-ears, exotic accents, and just enough clothing for a Build-a-Bear, collectively. No men, though, because that would be, like, weird.

They aren’t happy with us crashing their eternal hippie pillow-fight, though, and trying to talk to any of them will get you a variation on “Fuck off and die, human scum.” Walking around looking for Mjrn doesn’t turn up much, until we end up more or less at the end of the road. We give it the good old “Bueller? Bueller?” but get only a dozen cold stares. Jote,I like how Fran’s name actually fits in perfectly well with the pattern of viera names (e.g. Mjrn, Ktjn, Krjn, Relj, and Jote) while also just happening to coincide with a name familiar to our human audience. It’s thematically appropriate for Fran’s name to reflect both of these domains. their elder, emerges from her bower to confront us, giving us another hearty, “Shouldn’t you be choking on a dick somewhere? Well there aren’t any here, so get the fuck out.”

Vaan points out that we’ll just Gump around the village bothering everyone until we find Mjrn, so the fastest way to get us to leave would be just to point us in her direction. Jote seems to know this is the case, but before she can bring herself to explain, she is taken aback to see Fran coming across the walkway toward them. It seems something shook her out of her reluctance.

Indeed it has: Fran has heard “the voice of the Wood,” and she knows that Mjrn isn’t even in the village. She asks Jote where she’s gone, but Jote scorns the party, calling Fran and Mjrn race-traitors and chiding Fran for not being able to get her answers by communing with the Wood. This last barb seems to hit Fran pretty hard. Balthier and Vaan each try to argue back— actually, they’re a bit too confrontational for talking to the elder of a village that hates them, while surrounded by their warriors— but it seems to annoy Jote enough to do the trick: she takes a moment to speak to the Wood while the breeze stirs up around her, and tells us that Mjrn went west somewhere. Wow, Jote! West somewhere? Sweet fucking trick, I can see why you viera value it so highly.

Jote doesn’t want to waste any more time with us, and storms off. But she doesn’t quite get away before Fran stops her with an aphorism: “The viera are born of the Wood. But that is not the only path we may choose.” Jote seems unimpressed, and lets slip that she wasn’t impressed when she heard it fifty years ago, either.

So ideas can’t get in, and people can’t get out? Yep! Viera society is a cult.

On our way out, Larsa seems to think the vague directions from Jote might point to the Henne Mines, a magicite mine owned by Archades. But the sand-blasted little ganglion that passes for Vaan’s brain seems to have just processed the “fifty years” comment, and can’t help but ask how old Fran is anyway. Everyone stares daggers at him for a very long five seconds before everyone individually calls him an asshole and leaves.

Haha! Women, right? I mean, yeah, they’re un-aging gorgeous bunny-elves whose culture and minds are alien and inscrutable to humes, but they still blush when you ask their age. Yeah, yeah, it’s a cute little scene and seeing everyone make fun of Vaan always brings me joy, but seriously.

After arriving at Henne Mine via Ozmone, we find the corpses of a few Imperials right out front. Hmm, this is usually how I keep track of where the party’s already been, but it seems something else is the matter. Larsa and Balthier recognize them as researchers from Draklor Laboratory, but can only speculate as to their presence.

So if something hadn’t killed all the guards for us already, was Larsa planning on helping us manslaughter our way to the bottom of the mine, or…? Actually, speaking of Larsa, I can now circle back to this: Larsa uses a dual-weapon fighting style, just like the Judges Magister. I don’t know if there’s actually a way to see this in-game as you can’t change guest characters’ equipment, but he wields the saber Joyeuse in his right hand and a bizarre quasi-dagger called Swordbreaker in his left. Because this game doesn’t mechanically support dual wielding, Swordbreaker is functionally a shield, granting a bonus to Evade. He used these weapons as Lamont in Bhujerba as well, although the Joyeuse he wields in his second appearance here is an upstatted version.

Once the party gets deep enough in the mine to where the richer ore lies, Larsa realizes that the Empire must be looking for new sources of ore, since their old hookup, Bhujerba, has put them on their shit list. That may well be, but Fran senses Mjrn and a strange mist, just as the little lady herself comes staggering out of a deeper passage, her head rolling and speaking cryptic, broken sentences: classic video game speak for mind control, basically.

As soon as she notices the party, she points straight at Ashe and tells her to keep away, screaming, “Power-needy hume!” and hauling ass down the passage with both hands. I’ve gotta say, the viera really haven’t presented themselves very well, what with the surly cult and the racial slurs. I do wonder if their one-gender race and the garif’s one-gender race ever have mixer parties; they seem like they’d get on pretty well, at least. They could have long, romantic conversations about impractical wardrobes and revering natural magickal resources. Maybe drop a letter to Curly and Ozzie, who seem to be the only two cat-men in the world.

Enough inane babbling, let’s chase down the girl and beat the evil out of her. Emerging into a large chamber, what should we find but a giant dragon? Goddammit, Archades, what happened here, anyway?! There are monster horses and T-Rexes and a dragon down here! This doesn’t just happen from leaving the door open by accident!

You know, after soloing the dragon with Ashe, I think I might have overdone it with the equipment and level grinding…

After it falls, Mjrn stumbles out of whatever niche she was hiding in during the battle, and a shard of manufacted nethicite falls from her hand and shatters. A bizarre spectral figure appears behind her, looking like a floating gray cloak with a black void where its face would be, and two glowing eyes shining out from it. It lingers only long enough to freak out the party, then disappears, with Mjrn collapsing from its apparent release of her mind.

She’s glad to see her sister Fran once more. Apparently, some Imperials had been hunting around through Golmore a while ago, and no one in the village paid it any mind; as long as they don’t litter or start too many fires, travelers aren’t a big deal to the viera. But something about it struck Mjrn wrong, and she ran off to find out what they were looking for. Unfortunately for her, they were looking for foolish viera to kidnap and experiment on; it seems they’re studying how to draw power from nethicite and transfer it into an individual, and the magickally-sensitive viera are handy test subjects for that kind of thing. Larsa yoinks Penelo’s good-luck nethicite back, regretting such an ill-omened gift. Penelo yells “Give that shit back, it’s a great accessory!”Halves all elemental damage at the cost of permanent Silence status. A good trade if you’re the party’s designated “Mess this fucker up with your sharp implement” character. while Ashe muses that even as dangerous as nethicite is, it still might prove essential to them.

Afterward, we find ourselves back in Eruyt Village, with Mjrn in tow. Jote curtly hands us a key to the barriers and tells us “thanks but fuck off”… but Mjrn stops us. She can’t believe Jote, her eldest sister, could just ignore the entire world boiling into a war around them, but Jote couldn’t care less as long as it doesn’t affect the Wood. Mjrn resolves to leave the village as Fran did, but Fran steps up to talk her out of it. It seems Fran either really regrets leaving home, or at least wouldn’t wish life outside the Wood onto her little sister.Mjrn is still at least like 70 years old. She seems to have known Fran well before she left Eruyt fifty years ago. So they’re not just long-lived, they also have a pretty unhurried adolescence. Not changing my mind that this is just catering to creepy weeb fantasies, S-E. Mjrn acquiesces to Fran’s admonition, but can’t contain her emotions and runs off. Jote signals her attendants to leave her, and she and her sister have a private conversation.

Jote is grateful for saving Mjrn and convincing her to stay, even though she herself had left. But Fran thinks it more appropriate that way; it’s Jote’s dayjob to tell people the outside world is scary and wrong, but it means more coming from Fran, who forsook viera law to see it herself. Fran asks Jote to speak to the Wood for her, to ask what it thinks about her, and Jote tells her it longs for Fran to return, though Fran doesn’t believe this.If the collective deified voice of nature tells the leader of the viera that it wants Fran back, can they actually refuse Fran if she chose to stay…? She does believe Jote’s addition that it doesn’t trust the rest of the party as far as it could throw them, but Fran believes that she’s as much one of them as any. On that note, Fran and Jote part ways.

Well, did you like this short little vignette about Fran? I hope so; it’s the one scrap of attention the game is giving her. Aside from world trivia and those firm mahogany buttocks, the game could really give a shit less about Fran. Too bad; there’s some fertile ground for development there! Abandoning an easy, peaceful and contemplative life to try and understand the world around you? And maybe change it for the better, even if it’s unpleasant and painful? Think that might have been worth dwelling on, writers?!

I’ll simply have to console myself with this: the next part of the game is actually really good.

The Travelog continues next week.

The Rocketeer —PLEASE—STAND—BY—