Ruts vs. Battlespire CH2: The Eldark Scrouls

By Rutskarn Posted Wednesday Mar 23, 2016

Filed under: Lets Play 35 comments

Last week we genetically engineered three hundred pounds of magic-immune swordmeat. This week we try to force it through the grinder. We’re finally about to take a peek inside the Battlespire–and by extension, a dusty design document marinated in Taco Bell that begins each section with, “Because it Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time.”

Let’s recap. The game’s framing device is that you’re enrolled in the academy to become an Imperial Battlemage and that this tower, literally called “the Battlespire,” is your “harmless” final exam. Makes sense. You remember how the midterm at the Snugglespire was a harrowing parade of horror and mutilation, so there’s a sort of internal logic. Now let’s check our inventory and see what we’ve been set up with:

Oh, come on. Couldn’t we have come into this with just a little dignity? Couldn’t they have let us get dressed?

That’s better. And now that we’ve got our outfit coordinated, let’s take a gander at the first thing we see coming in here. Any idea what this is? They didn’t cover this in all the Swordfighting and Dodging and Literally Nothing Else classes I took.

I'm not an engineer, but I don't think you're supposed to anchor a footbridge that close to a crackling spigot of unbridled energy.
I'm not an engineer, but I don't think you're supposed to anchor a footbridge that close to a crackling spigot of unbridled energy.

Should I have brought a bluebook? Or some pants? How are we going to do this?

So spitballing here, looks like we’ve got a ledge to a bottomless pit, a rickety bridge, a glowing symbol, and a pillar of what I am optimistically predicting is Mountain Dew Voltage. Only one way to find out. Let’s head over and take a look, like the badass mage we certainly aren’t.

I cross half the bridge, run into a discharge of energy, and am instantly flung sideways into the bottomless chasm. I don’t have a screenshot of that. But I do have a screenshot from immediately afterwards.

Let’s try again.

This time, instead of charging the glowing rune, we’ll play it Gygax and run away from anything that looks dangerous. That leads us to the right, which–and I swear I didn’t even see this before–leads directly to a group of enemies who had been completely ignoring us. As well they should. Look, we’re just visiting the Battlespire. These? Are Battlespirians. They know where to get the good takeout, they see the Great Blue Energy Fuckyou every time they look out their apartment window, and they’re just trying to enjoy one meal without an adventurer random encounter. Was that too much to ask?

So you want to know what happens once we charge into this gaggle of enemies? Go on, guess. Take a wild guess.

You’re right! They start a conversation.

The scamp's line is green and is voiced exactly as well as you'd imagine. The yellow lines are my dialogue choices. As you can see, your options range from 'Narcissistic Supervillain' to 'Manually Shut Down Your Computer.'
The scamp's line is green and is voiced exactly as well as you'd imagine. The yellow lines are my dialogue choices. As you can see, your options range from 'Narcissistic Supervillain' to 'Manually Shut Down Your Computer.'

I like dialogues. I like them more than I like fighting monsters. I’m excited at the prospect of talking to the dungeon’s denizens. I would be thrilled to discover that my conversations in this game are in-depth, intelligent, story-expanding experiences and tools for shaping gameplay. Having said that, this conversation:

a.) References people the game has not yet mentioned

b.) Doesn’t seem to do anything

c.) Was followed up by an extremely similar conversation instants later by the scamp standing next to him as soon as I chose my option…

d.) …which was followed by fighting the scamps. All of them.

It’s not a very dramatic combat. We’re the TES version of Weapon X, they’re comic relief anklebiters. There’s a lot of status messages like “Your blow stuns your opponent,” which, if I had read the manual, I would know was because I was giving myself carpal tunnel swinging the sword in one direction, not giving myself carpal tunnel swinging it in another. But we could be holding the tip and smacking them with the crossguard and we’d still walk out of this with HP loss than these penguins. Time to loot the dopey Napoleonic bastards.

That’s what looting looks like: one tiny aggravating-to-scroll column for “your stuff,” one column for “enemy stuff.” So in this case, we killed a scamp and we got…two bags? But that’s not all we got. Because bags are actually containers you can pick up–so when you double click a bag, your column switches from showing “stuff in your bag” to “stuff in your bag.” I mean, “stuff in your backpack” to “stuff in this particular pack.” There’s nothing in the interface to let you know you’ve switched from one or the other, and there’s not a lot of feedback when you do, so in terms of effortless accessibility it rates “driving a car in a Nyquil nightmare.”

Bethesda Interfaces ™: Like a Broken Vintage NASA Switchboard!

My inventory shows two bags. I double click on one. Now I’m looking at…two bags. I double click on one again. Now I’m looking at one bag and a rune. I double click on the bag–now I’m looking at a javelin. Okay. So…is this just one javelin wrapped in like six bags or what?

Wait. What the heck is that rune? The help screen tells you to click on it to find out what it is; I do, and it helpfully informs me that it’s a “Sigil amulet doht sigil.” Well that clears that up.

Since it’s an amulet, I try to put it on. Not equippable. I double click it and it “vaporizes.” Now there’s a status effect going off on my top left and I have no idea what it does, nor can I figure out how to look it up. Even when I look it up later in the manual, I think I can guess what I just did, but I’m not totally sure and I don’t know how I can find out. This wouldn’t bug me as much if sigils, javelins, and bags in random configurations were not 100% of the loot I got off the scamps. So that’s powerups I can’t understand, weapons I can’t use, and bags that so far seem to exist exclusively to make my life harder. Maybe I should ask this guy lying down here if he wants any of them.

You okay there, buddy?
You okay there, buddy?

The scroll is a note, very probably written by the dead man, that effectively reads: “Man, this test is harder than I thought. The portal home is blocked with a horrible shockrune and the area is crawling with murderous daedra. Maybe there’s a way out somewhere. I wish I’d studied more.” So that clears up what just killed us, and that this test is killing other students, and that we’re all doomed, but my main takeway is: we finally have a shot at valedictorian! Wooo!

Let’s move on to the next area. Like “let’s pick this stuff up off the ground,” turns out that’s trickier than it sounds. Not only is the area pretty big and sprawling, there’s…this glitch.

I’ve done a lot of research into it. I know some of why it happens and some of how people mitigate it. More importantly, I know that it was less common, but not unheard of, even before the game was sewn back together and reanimated for a GoG release, which means I am prepared to partially forgive it. The glitch is simple: whenever you move your character forwards or backwards or sideways, the game adds a seemingly random diagonal vector to your gait that at its worst feels like rollerblading on ether. It’s annoying and slows you down, but it’s not really a dealbreaker as long as you don’t have to do anything requiring precise footwork.


So this room might be a problem. Weirdly, it’s only a problem, or challenge of any kind, if you have trouble walking in a straight line. Say what you will about Bethesda, but they sure do make a fine cup of lemonade.

Only one thing is going to save me now: jumping. Seriously, jumping in this game is surprisingly well-thought-out. When you hold down the jump key, a marker appears floating in midair…

...which you immediately attempt to run away from, since you didn't bother reading the manual....
...which you immediately attempt to run away from, since you didn't bother reading the manual....

…which steadily moves away from the player avatar until it comes to a stop. How far it moves depends on your character’s jumping ability. That way, agile characters can still pull off little hops, clumsy characters know their limits, and everyone has an idea of where they’re going to land. This was probably implemented after Daggerfall’s dicey heart-stoppingly-stupid platforming drew heat from reviewers. It’s a welcome addition and a feature I wouldn’t mind seeing more in modern games. What’s more, it’s probably my only chance of getting through this lava room alive.

I hold down the jump key, wait until my marker is over the walkway, and release to land two feet short in a pool of blazing lava.

Hello, darkness, my old friend...
Hello, darkness, my old friend...

Let’s shoot for salutatorian.

Next week: (Lost in) lost in time and space.


From The Archives:

35 thoughts on “Ruts vs. Battlespire CH2: The Eldark Scrouls

  1. ehlijen says:

    You were locked up in a dungeon cell by lava? I hope it read you your rights.

  2. Quent says:

    I think that one game that did monster conversations well was Strange Journey. In it a giant void appears over the South Pole and is slowly engulfing the entire planet. As part of a military/science expedition who job is to try and stop the “Schwarzwelt”. Inside you have conversations with mythological beasts, gods, demons, angels and get caught up an a celestial conflict in giant, unforgiving, dungeons styled after the worst of humanity. It was quite good. The final act wasn’t as good as what came before, but some of the endings were so wonderfully alien that I can’t hold any hard feelings towards it.

    If you tried to engage the demons in conversation you tried to make them like you, whereupon they would join you and you could smooch them together with other demons to create new demons with new psychologies. It’s like pokemon but messed up… well, more messed up.

    1. Daemian Lucifer says:

      It's like pokemon but messed up… well, more messed up.

      I doubt that.Theres nothing more messed up than pokemon.

    2. Darren says:

      That’s the core feature of the Shin Megami Tensei series. They are all blasphemous Pokemon-style games that allow, and often encourage, you to side with Lucifer against Yahweh. They’re fucking bonkers!

      1. guy says:

        The correct solution to most SMT games is to tell both sides to shove it and the universe will do things your way in the future.

    3. Adrian Burt says:

      Was this a Shin Mugami Tensei game?

  3. Raygereio says:

    Wait. Is that really the only death screen?
    Where all the artists to busy meticulously drawing the chiseled abs on the paper doll to make more then one?

  4. silver Harloe says:

    You know that dream where you show up to class naked? And there’s a test you didn’t study for?

    1. Cuthalion says:


  5. Axehurdle says:

    So…You got two bags and one of those bags had two bags in it and one of those bags had another bag in it and that bag had a spear in it? and you still have 2 unexplored bags at separate bag levels? Can you make like a loot tree?

  6. Lanelor says:

    Please, stop! No more Bethesda games!

    1. baseless_research says:

      Got some bad news for you buddy …

    2. Daemian Lucifer says:

      You never asked for this?

      1. LCF, UNATCO internship says:

        What a shame.

        1. baseless_research says:

          Yeah, RIP.

  7. Daemian Lucifer says:

    But we could be holding the tip and smacking them with the crossguard and we'd still walk out of this with HP loss than these penguins.

    I think you a word there.

  8. Daemian Lucifer says:

    That's what looting looks like: one tiny aggravating-to-scroll column for “your stuff,” one column for “enemy stuff.”

    Ah so thats how skyrim ui looked back then.

  9. Daemian Lucifer says:

    Wow,that jumping thing sounds pretty cool.At least as a concept.I would definitely like to see it done in a modern game.

    1. Merlin says:

      That’s basically how Gunpoint works. It’s not exactly a Bethesda-style open world faffabout, but the mechanic is sound.

      1. WJS says:

        It’s also the primary mechanic for RONIN, which I’m quite fond of. It’s turn-based side-scrolling platforming combat is a lot of fun, although when there’s more than half a dozen guys shooting at you it can get pretty tricky.

  10. Spammy says:

    That crotch is a horrible void that I can’t stop staring into as soon as I see it.

    Also the move to this marker system of aiming jumps makes me really want to go back and finish the Dishonored DLCs.

  11. NoneCallMeTim says:

    I seem to remember playing a game which had bags inside bags.

    For whatever reason, I took to using one of the ‘inner’ bags as the main storage, until I reached the limit of the outer bag, and couldn’t find any way to get items from the inner bag to the main area.

    Then there was the time I sold my bag of bags accidentally, it sold for a few copper coins, but contained all my (really valuable) stuff. When I bought the bag back, all the stuff was missing.


    1. Zekiel says:

      Reminds me (in a roundabout way) that in D&D if you put a portable hole inside a bag of holding it would create some sort of paradox and destroy the universe.

      On reflection, that may just have been my DM’s interpretation of it…

      1. guy says:

        What happens when you put an extradimensional space inside another extradimensional space isn’t precisely specified, but it does destroy the contents of both and may suck everything within several dozen feet into the astral plane.

        In nethack, you can tier bags but it does destroy bags of holding if you try to put one of them inside another. You can also try to put a bag inside itself. “That would be an interesting topological exercise”

        1. Mikeski says:

          Wasn’t the point of matryoshka bags in Nethack to (possibly) avoid the bag-of-holding issue?

          I haven’t played for decades, but I thought a bag of holding in a bag in a bag in a bag in a bag in a bag in a bag in a bag of holding had a much smaller chance to explode…

  12. noahpocalypse says:

    So if you fail this test, you are locked up for the rest of your life by the proctors who sent you here? This doesn’t seem like a very effective school.

    1. Ruethus says:

      Maybe it’s a similar plan to the Harrowing from Dragon Age: Origins, where an anti-battlemage faction decides to “help” the mages “filter” their graduates to prevent “unexpected accidents”.

    2. silver Harloe says:

      The Battlespire has been taken over by daedra and so that isn’t the normal fail penalty for the test.

    3. Syal says:

      Well, have you ever seen an Elder Scrolls group that did seem particularly effective?

  13. Bloodsquirrel says:

    So, wait, if you never see another living soul again, who’s feeding you? And why? Do they magically teleport food into the cells where they keep every student who has ever failed their exam until they die of old age? That must take up a lot of dungeons space, time, and effort.

  14. Slyder says:

    Wow, that jumping puzzle room filled with lava looks really uncomfortable. Good thing you got fire immunity, right? Oh, but the jumping indicator is even better, this room will be a cakewalk!


    1. Mikeski says:

      Apparently he’s only immune to magical fire.

      Not the ordinary sort of fire that arrests you and locks you in a dungeon.

  15. WJS says:

    …Yeah, dumping “jump” might not have been such a great idea after all…

Thanks for joining the discussion. Be nice, don't post angry, and enjoy yourself. This is supposed to be fun. Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked*

You can enclose spoilers in <strike> tags like so:
<strike>Darth Vader is Luke's father!</strike>

You can make things italics like this:
Can you imagine having Darth Vader as your <i>father</i>?

You can make things bold like this:
I'm <b>very</b> glad Darth Vader isn't my father.

You can make links like this:
I'm reading about <a href="">Darth Vader</a> on Wikipedia!

You can quote someone like this:
Darth Vader said <blockquote>Luke, I am your father.</blockquote>

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.