A Star is Born:
Let’s Play Champions Online Pt. 7

By Shamus Posted Tuesday Nov 3, 2009

Filed under: Shamus Plays 52 comments

Now that I’ve defeated the snowstorm, I’m at last free to explore all of Canada, experience its rich cultures, and meet its peoples. I am so taken with the land that I have decided to share with you what I learned from my time in Champions Online. If you’ve never taken the time to visit America’s neighbor to the north, then you’re in for an educational treat.

Country: Canada
Demonym: Canadian
Flag:
oh_canada.jpg
Anthem: O Canada
Motto: THIS IS NO ORDINARY STORM!
Official Languages: English
English with “Eh?” at the end of every sentence.
Capital: Force Station Steelhead
Ethnic Groups: 70% Terrorists
12% Gadroon Frog Space Aliens
8% Bigfoots
5% Zombies
4% Superheroes
1% Civilians
Major Cities: None
Imports: Superheroes
Exports: Slightly higher-level superheroes
Predominant Wildlife: Bears
Wolves
Velociraptors
Thing they hate the most: Being called “America’s Neighbor to the north”.

After touring the land, I am shocked at how inaccurate the Canadian Wikipedia entry is. I tried to fix some of the more glaring omissions (they don’t even mention the Velociraptors!) but someone keeps reverting my edits. No doubt it’s one of Dr. Destroyer’s minions.

Anyway, after my journey through Canada I thought I’d share a few snapshots of their more famous landmarks and iconic locations:

The United States is so proud of their amusing little Mt. Rushmore, but it’s nothing compared to the size and majesty of Canada’s Skull Mountain:

staronchest_place_skull_mountain.jpg

A Doom Telescope:

staronchest_place_doom_telescope.jpg

Some sort of haunted Tiberium Fields:

staronchest_place_tiberium_fields.jpg

Bigfoot Village:

staronchest_place_village.jpg

A good portion of Canada is being terraformed by an Alien race called the Gadroon. I know they’re evil because all space aliens are evil unless they’re superheroes, but I have to say I kind of think the Gadroon have made an improvement here:

staronchest_place_alien_mountain.jpg

Here is Canada’s famous haunted glacial rift:

staronchest_place_rift.jpg

And here is the terrorist oil pipeline / pollution factory:

staronchest_place_pipeline.jpg

While you were learning about the great land of Canada, I upgraded my powers.

I took the “regeneration” passive ability. If you find yourself playing the game then for the love of spandex, TAKE THIS POWER. It’s hilariously broken. As long as you have a few points in the recovery stat, you should be able to heal faster than foes damage you. I’ve been in fights with groups of same-level foes where I was able to simply hold the block button and wait for my health to fill all the way back up while the enemy pounded away at me. No other passive superpower comes even plausibly close to being this useful. (The power “invulnerability” is a distant second. The two are roughly even when fighting foes under your level, but invulnerability doesn’t help much if you start to push against foes that have a few levels on you. No other passive defensive power in the game is even worth considering. I’ve tried them. It’s not even close.

I hope for your sake you didn’t read this.
I hope for your sake you didn’t read this.
My first job is to look around just outside of base and recover items from the airliner crash. I need the black box, the passenger manifest, and the pilots log, which apparently… fell out of the plane? I was always under the impression that the black box was, you know, attached or something. I guess Canadian Airlines uses their black box as a doorstop. Whatever. Luckily, the items are all about ten steps outside of base and within twenty feet of each other. And intact.

On the downside, the items are guarded by the Hunter-Patriots, who are the predominant terrorist group in Canada. (Viper, the other major terrorist group, is smaller but better armed and equipped.) Their plans seem to be thus:

1) Groups of dudes in parkas will bury themselves in the snow, right outside of the Steelhead base.
2) When a superhero comes along, they leap out of the snow and attack.
3) They get beat up. Yay good guys.

Out on the frozen lake, I have to fight some more Hunter-Patriots. Here is a commander kneeling on the ice, looking at me through his binoculars from ten feet away.  I wonder if he’s using them backwards, “Oh! There’s a superhero, but he’s like, way off in the distance.”.
Out on the frozen lake, I have to fight some more Hunter-Patriots. Here is a commander kneeling on the ice, looking at me through his binoculars from ten feet away. I wonder if he’s using them backwards, “Oh! There’s a superhero, but he’s like, way off in the distance.”.

I have to beat up a Hunter-Patriots commander, to get him to tell me about couple of super-villains I’ve passed about a half dozen times so far. Once I beat up the super-villains, they tell me their plans, and then I can go thwart those plans by beating up additional Hunter-Patriots.

Credit where it’s due: One of the super-villains is Lynx, a cat girl.  She signed on with the bad guys just because she wanted the catgirl costume / abilities, and then had second thoughts once she saw their plans. She doesn’t really want to join a terrorist group, she just wanted to be a cat girl. I liked this idea.  It was humorous without being stupid nonsense, and it manages to do it without simply referencing some other, funnier fiction. I would be so much happier if the game had gone for this style of humor instead of the slapstick goofball stuff it’s usually engaged in.
Credit where it’s due: One of the super-villains is Lynx, a cat girl. She signed on with the bad guys just because she wanted the catgirl costume / abilities, and then had second thoughts once she saw their plans. She doesn’t really want to join a terrorist group, she just wanted to be a cat girl. I liked this idea. It was humorous without being stupid nonsense, and it manages to do it without simply referencing some other, funnier fiction. I would be so much happier if the game had gone for this style of humor instead of the slapstick goofball stuff it’s usually engaged in.

Back at base, I meet Lt. Fisher. He was out on patrol with his buddies when (and I am not making this up) Mister Zombie attacked and buried Fisher’s squad mates in the snow in an effort to create more zombies. Fisher wants me to go out and rescue his team.

I fly out and dig the soldiers out of the piles of snow just outside of base.

How it works is this: There are piles of snow. You click on them and wait for the progress bar to fill, after which you’ll either get a zombie or rescue a soldier. The odds of getting a soldier seems to be about 1 in 3. Fighting zombies is kind of time consuming and annoying because of the way the game clears your target when they go down and then begins regenerating their health. You have to defeat them, then stand there for a few seconds and wait for them to fall down, then re-target them and hit them a few more times to finish them off, after which you get such phenomenally low XP that it’s not even remotely worth it.

All of this makes a strong incentive for the player to simply hit & run the snow piles, activating them and then jumping to the next one without even looking to see what pops up. You can clear the mission in about thirty seconds, or you can spend several minutes fighting worthless zombies. This setup isn’t a terrible crime, but it’s disappointing when a game punishes you for playing your character and rewards you for acting in ways that don’t make sense.

<strong>Left:</strong> Ravenspeaker, showing off what must be a world-class case of the goosebumps. <strong>Center:</strong> Lt. Fisher, who hangs around base coughing and asking superheroes to do his job.  <strong>Right:</strong> My Heroic self.  <strong>Top:</strong> Defying all expectations, the writers managed to <em>not</em> name this guy “Dudley”.
Left: Ravenspeaker, showing off what must be a world-class case of the goosebumps. Center: Lt. Fisher, who hangs around base coughing and asking superheroes to do his job. Right: My Heroic self. Top: Defying all expectations, the writers managed to not name this guy “Dudley”.
Next up, Lt. Fisher hands me a bag of wriggling zombie parts. They need to be “ritually cleansed” to dispel the magic on them. Ravenspeaker set up a summoning circle to the south where you can take zombie parts to cleanse them. For some unfathomable reason, Ravenspeaker placed this circle outside of base. Ravenspeaker is about five feet away and staring into space, but apparently he’s still too busy to make another summoning circle inside of base so that mortals can use it without needing to fight armies of terrorists and zombies to reach the thing.

Disgusted with Ravenspeaker’s laziness, apathy, and lack of pants, I take the bag of zombie bits and fly to the summoning circle.

Before I can use the summoning circle, I have to defeat Mr. Zombie:

Wait. You “live” to kill superheroes?  An odd assertion for someone named Mr. <em>Zombie</em>.  And does fighting superheroes come up all that often? And while we’re at it: Why are you even talking in the first place?!?
Wait. You “live” to kill superheroes? An odd assertion for someone named Mr. Zombie. And does fighting superheroes come up all that often? And while we’re at it: Why are you even talking in the first place?!?

staronchest_mr_zombie2.jpg
Now it’s time to fight a zombie wearing a tuxedo and a top hat in the Canadian wilderness. Who is named Mr. Zombie. And who talks. I make a slight whimpering sound as I sustain 500 points of self-esteem damage.

So I give Mr. Zombie a few pops in the face. Then a few more. Then a lot more. Then I look up and notice I’ve chipped off about 10% his total health. My self-healing powers allow me to keep up with him, but knocking this zombie apart is apparently a long-term project.

Eventually I manage to bring him down. Afterwards, I have to run around and do little magical arm-waving gestures around the summoning circle. Then a spirit wolf appears. Then I speak with him, and he nods his head to cleanse the zombie bits.

None of the other zombies I’ve killed have needed this treatment. And I didn’t need to drag Mr. Zombie over here for some cleansing. I don’t know. It’s all very confusing.

There’s a line of heroes behind me, each with their own bag of zombie bits, each needing to have their turn with the wolf. But they can’t just talk to the wolf that I summoned. They have to stand around and wait a minute or two for the now-useless wolf to disappear. As an added bonus, it’s possible for someone to let you activate the first four totems around the circle, and then they will swoop in and activate the final one, thus securing the wolf for themselves. Then you have to wait a couple of minutes. And during that time Mr. Zombie will respawn and you might end up fighting him again.

Making matters worse is that Mr. Zombie is the only place in the game where you can get a rare item drop which – either by bug or by design – will let you be fifty feet tall. People love to get this item and then stomp around the city. (It doesn’t make you stronger or anything, just huge and kind of in the way.) So there’s always a high-level character or two hanging out and killing Mr. Zombie as soon as he appears. Between the spirit wolf and the Mr. Zombie farmers, this quest turns into a real logjam of confusion and griefing during busy times.

Yes, I know things were so much worse back in the Everquest days and this sort of thing used to be the norm, but that’s no reason to celebrate this mess. A few very minor tweaks is all it would take to clear up this traffic jam and let everyone get back to their fun without all the headaches.

Now I have a quest to go to the site of the airplane crash and, if I understand the directions, beat up even more Hunter-Patriots in search of their secret plans. Sure enough, they are swarming the downed aircraft. I don’t understand the strategic value of a wrecked civilian aircraft, but here they are.

I work my way around the site, beating up terrorists and collecting the occasional plans. The Hunter-Patriots have five different schemes they’re working on. I don’t know what their goals are, since having goals would involve characters with coherent motivations, but at least we now have a picture of how they want to go about attaining their goals, whatever they are. Here are the plans of Canada’s most dangerous terrorist organization:

1. Bomb-laden Zambonis
2. Maple-powered Death Ray
3. Questonite curling stone cannons
4. Radioactive Loonie coins
5. Nanite-infused Poutine Gravy

Some people have trouble telling which parts of this LP are part of the game and which bits I made up. A general rule of thumb is this:

1) If it’s something silly about my character, then I made it up.
2) If it’s something face-slappingly apeshit loco stupid crazy, then it’s part of the game.

In case you still doubt, I offer this screenshot:

And you thought I was kidding.  Don’t you feel silly now? Still, I bet you don’t feel half as silly as I do, since I’m the one <em>playing</em> this thing.
And you thought I was kidding. Don’t you feel silly now? Still, I bet you don’t feel half as silly as I do, since I’m the one playing this thing.

Next Time: More Canada! Because fighting in the snowy wastes is what being a superhero is all about!

 


 

Stolen Pixels #139: BorderLAN

By Shamus Posted Tuesday Nov 3, 2009

Filed under: Column 15 comments

The latest Stolen Pixels is about the broken Borderlands multiplayer we talked about yesterday. Some people will find this strip to be really moving. Enjoy.

 


 

Experienced Points: You Don’t Scare Me

By Shamus Posted Monday Nov 2, 2009

Filed under: Column 47 comments

My Halloween Experienced Points article is a lament for where the Survival Horror genre has gone. (It touches on some of the points I wrote about here, but does so in a lot less words. Having a soft ceiling on your word count can do wonders for your writing skills.)

The common trend is to blame a lot of the negative industry trends on the bumbling and idiocy of publishers, but this is one case where I think the move is just a response to what people actually want. I think those of us who like tense, story-driven games with lots of atmosphere and not too much combat are actually a small minority.

 


 

Borderlands: Multiplayer Madness

By Shamus Posted Monday Nov 2, 2009

Filed under: Game Reviews 79 comments

I’m really enjoying Borderlands. It’s on my short list of top games this year. So it’s a shame I have to start off this series on such a negative note. I’ve noticed a trend of of people buying games when I say they’re great, and I wouldn’t want to send you off to the store without issuing this most important warning: The multiplayer support in the PC version of Badlands is contemptible.

There is really no need for things to have turned out this way. Usable networking code is so common and so well-developed that there is no excuse for having a multiplayer game without a seamless multiplayer system. This is not some trendy new tech. Unlike graphics, this isn’t some churning sea of conflicting systems and anarchic innovation. Unlike sound, this isn’t some gadget-driven five-bladed-razor race for more gimmicks. This is sending packets over the internet and having them get there. You can probably go over to Sourceforge and crib whatever notes and lessons you might need from the open-source treasure vault if you find yourself fuzzy on the details. At any rate, under no circumstances should any gamer ever have to set up port forwarding on their router in these enlightened times, for all the same reasons that people should not have to churn their own milk, which they squeezed from the udder of a cow that same morning. We’re past this stuff now. We’ve got this kind of low-level functionality covered. This should all be completely turnkey at this point.

Borderlands uses Gamespy, a service which astounds me each year it continues to not go out of business on account of being cumbersome, unreliable, and utterly superfluous to the needs of the day. Unlike the venerable Diablo II, there is no central server out there to mediate games between plays. If you want to game with friends, then one of you must be the host. If the host is on a LAN (if they’re in a house with multiple computers sharing a common net connection) then that host will have to set up port forwarding. Then that player can host the game. If they disconnect or crash, then you are dumped out of the game without saving, despite the fact that there is no reason no to save the game when that happens. (And I’ve gotten reports that disconnecting like this can possibly erase your entire save, thus obliterating your character. Hasn’t happened to me, but now I live in fear of it.)

The game supports voice chat, without offering any of the options needed to make that work properly. Need to calibrate your mic? Test it? Having trouble hearing other people? Is the game volume too loud compared to the other people in the game? Shrug. Nothing you can do about it. There isn’t even a push-to-talk key. Or a push-to-NOT-talk key. Once you connect, your microphone is live and open during the duration of the play session and there is nothing you can do to get any privacy short of unplugging the mic or logging off. The game doesn’t even tell you this or give any on-screen indication that you’re transmitting, so it’s possible for this to go wrong in all sorts of different ways. You can disable the mic, but only if you can track down the obscure options files and and change them by hand in a text editor.

You can’t kick someone once they enter the game. If someone triggers a level change, then everyone else is pulled through along with them, willing or no. That is, unless someone has a window open. (Visiting the vendor, viewing their character stats, sorting their inventory, etc.) In which case nobody can change levels at all. A few nights ago a friend went to make a sandwich but forgot and left a window open, and everyone else was effectively trapped until Sandwich Guy came back. We could either remain trapped until he came back, or the host could end the game and Sandwich Guy would lose his unsaved progress.

The lobby screen has no chat functionality. If the host is setting up a new game, you need to either have the always-on mic enabled, or you have no way to discuss what sort of game you want to play or what characters you want to use.

Of course, you shouldn’t ever play with random anonymous net trash, but we gave it a try on our first night with the game. A friend started a server and we played with some strangers. The first person to join was clueless. (nothing wrong with that at the start, we’re all newbies at some point) But he was also impervious to communication. He didn’t react when we spoke. He didn’t react when we sent chat text. (The chat appears off to the side and is very easy to miss.) He fumbled around the environment so ineptly we couldn’t tell if he was just confused or if he was griefing us intentionally. My friend closed down the game and restarted and we tried again. The second guy to join was ten levels above us and annihilated everything without us having the opportunity to contribute meaningfully to the game. We asked him if he had any lower level characters and he didn’t answer. We asked him to leave and he didn’t answer. Once again we had to close the game and start over.

In the end, we set up a private game. With even the most basic / crude / obvious player-management tools we would have been able to deal with this sort of thing.

So the Borderlands forces you to host your own games, then denies you the requisite tools to act as a proper host. This would all be forgivable in a game where multiplayer was an afterthought. But this is a game built around the idea of team play, and having such crude and perfunctory multiplayer functionality is abominable. What’s even more mystifying is that Borderlands was built on the Unreal Engine, which has a lot of the client / server architecture built in.

We have gotten multiplayer to work, and we have managed to have some fun sessions of Borderlands, but it was more trouble than it needed to be and continues to frustrate us with its various shortcomings. I’ll review the rest of the game later, but you should keep all of this in mind when contemplating getting the game for the PC.

EDIT: Ah! You CAN kick someone, as a helpful reader details in this comment.

 


 

A Parent’s Guide to Halloween(Repost)

By Shamus Posted Friday Oct 30, 2009

Filed under: Random 19 comments

Someone noticed I didn’t post this week. Actually, I guess a couple of people did. Yeah. I had a big writing project going this weekend, which prevented me from getting my weekend writing done. Then Borderlands came out, which prevented me from catching up.

It’s all sorted now. In the meantime, I reheated some leftovers for you:

  1. Most towns have trick-or-treating end before nightfall, but don’t let that stop you from decking your kid out in reflective tape and glowsticks. Sure, it will ruin their Batman costume and make them look like a Christmas tree with a cape, but if you don’t then the other parents will glare at you and make you feel so guilty.
  2. Explain to your kids: Never accept candy from strangers, unless it’s Halloween – when you should wander around the neighborhood begging for it.
  3. Make sure your child has a nice, large sack or pillowcase for trick-or-treat, and avoid using hard containers like buckets. This makes it less obvious when you begin “skimming” their haul when they aren’t looking.
  4. Don’t feel bad about dipping into your child’s candy when they aren’t around. You helped make the costume, after all. And even if you didn’t: all that candy isn’t good for them anyway.
  5. You will see all levels of costumes. You’ll see one kid dressed as a shogun in authentic period garb, and another kid dressed as a ghost using a plaid sheet with a urine stain. For some reason, you’re supposed to give candy and compliments to both of them. I don’t know why either.
  6. Just to mess with the trick or treaters who come to your door: Try dressing as Santa and giving out painted eggs.
  7. It doesn’t matter if your kid is dressed up as Frankenstein, a zombie, or Idi Amin, the moment you hand them a flashlight they are going to start waving it around in everyone’s eyes and making lightsaber noises. Little brats.
  8. To get revenge, make them wear their coats. Oh yeah. That will make their costume look real good.

Enjoy your Halloween. Save me a Zagnut.

 


 

Stolen Pixels #138: On the Borderbus

By Shamus Posted Friday Oct 30, 2009

Filed under: Column 25 comments

Here is a comic about Borderlands, which I have played a bit this week. (Short review: If you have both Xbox and PC, and you want to do multiplayer, then you should probably get the Xbox version. Gamespy is smothered in weaksauce and seasoned with fail.)

I will say I probably won’t be doing many of these, simply because of how difficult it is to get usable screenshots. It’s a first-person game which always limits my options a good deal. It’s a shame, since I could probably get a few comics out of this game otherwise.

 


 

Stolen Pixels #137: Breen Interviews Commander Shepard

By Shamus Posted Tuesday Oct 27, 2009

Filed under: Column 20 comments

Last time around people were asking if Breen was going to interview the male or female version of Commander Shepard. Now you can find out. Also, Breen now has a sidekick. I should have thought of that ages ago.