New ESRB Ratings

 By Shamus Feb 13, 2007 17 comments

I actually found the parody ESRB sticker from yesterday to be kind of amusing. I found myself thinking about what other sorts of things I’d like to be warned about before I bought a game:

ESRB warning label. Teen Angst.

ESRB warning label. Console Port.

ESRB warning label. Buggy Software

ESRB warning label. Not Girlfriend Safe.

ESRB warning label. Annoying Copy Protection.

It took a great deal of self-restraint to keep from giving Steam its very own label. No doubt I’ve overlooked your favorite villian. For the do-it-your-selfers out there:

ESRB label.

The standard Windows font “Impact” works well for the text on the left, while the stuff on the right looks good in plain ‘ol Arial. I didn’t go to any great lengths to mimic the real thing, but it looks passable to my eye.

17Just 17 comments.


  1. Liritar says:

    Wow, I need the NGF one for some of my RPGs. My dearest lady cannot seem to understand that just because a CHARACTER is in love with someone does not mean that I have a thing for the character’s player.

  2. Deoxy says:

    Good stuff. I meant to comment on that great parody sticker yesterday. I might have to steal those… Yep, I defeinately will.

  3. CR – “Cliche Ridden” – You’ve played this game already. You’ve been playing it since 1983.

  4. Richard Dragonbane says:

    “just because a CHARACTER is in love with someone does not mean that I have a thing for the character’s player.”

    Sure, but you TOTALLY do. You dog, you. :)

  5. Steve says:

    Thanks for the blank. I had a go here.

    Backstory: I would have liked at least some indication of the absolute need for a pixel shader on the box of Silent Hunter III before I shelled out the money for it. I was looking forward to cruising the Atlantic looking for Verdamdt Englischer Pigdogs to send to Davy Shone’s Locker, but the *&^%ing sea kept turning brown and the fordeck of my trusty Mk VII C would vanish after thirty seconds of leaving the pens. Stupid game designers. :o(

    Steve.

  6. I’ve kvetched about 3D wrecking games before; the BET sticker reminds me of the really fundamental reason why. I want to play Civilization 4, but I have nothing that can run it. (I could barely run the demo.) But why? The game isn’t that complex, it’s the pointless 3D graphics that I can’t handle on this laptop.

    I’m playing Disgaea 2 on the PS2 right now, a “tactics”-type game, and the Killer Feature it has is the ability to turn off all of the fancy animations, meaning that a round resolves in about 5 seconds, instead of potentially a minute or two. I couldn’t help but notice that the DS is within spitting distance of the power needed to run the core game, once the graphics are turned off.

    So I think that’s some of the ire I have towards the 3D world; the games I want to play don’t even need super-hyper 3D. (I at least understand FPSs, which, until we have full 3D in our peripheral vision will still need improvements.)

  7. Steve says:

    Exactly! I ran the original Silent Hunter on an 8-bit NES (lousy port, hurriedly done from PC and it showed) and it was great fun despite the cartoony look of it. You could only be American though and I yearn to take the role of the Hunnish Agressor in the Atlantic.

    SH III (finally) allows me to do that. Or not, as it turns out, since I don’t run any firmware capable of pixel shading. Would that the marketing team had put that on the box.

    Since the processor is also at the very trailing edge of the permissable hardware list there is no point contemplating a video card upgrade either.

    Fergit!

  8. Deoxy says:

    “The game isn’t that complex, it’s the pointless 3D graphics”

    Having the same problem with Heroes of Might and Magic 5 right now. I am abl to gt it to play, but load times are LLLLOOOOooooooonnnngggg….. vn with the screen resolution set at the lowest possible level.

    (Of course, having a crappy graphics card doesn’t help, I’m sure.)

  9. Liritar says:

    “Sure, but you TOTALLY do. You dog, you.”

    Yeah, yeah, I’m a cheating bitch of epic proportions. Let me just stop this text-based roleplaying game for a second.. wait… No, I’ll just keep playing the game. *Laughs*

  10. Saint_007 says:

    Here’s one I just thought of:

    MNFS (Makes No *Expletive* Sense):

    Playing this game is nothing more than a bad LSD trip. You’d have better luck battering down a concrete wall with your head than of actually comprehending this schlockfest of a story.

    “Plot? What plot?”

  11. Tera says:

    MMN (More Money Now)
    This game will charge you a monthly fee to play. It will also release expansions at an absurd rate and charge you money for those. You can also pay extra to get shiny but useless things for your character, or a trinket to put on your keychain.

    “In Gates We Trust”

    Everquest, I’m looking at you here.

  12. Lysander says:

    NP: No Payoff. The ending of a up-until-then well-written game leaves you scratching your head or feeling ripped off.

    I felt this with the original Diablo game, where after spending countless weeks chewing through the levels, trying to kill every last monster in the room, searching for the optimal armor/ring/amulet/weapon combo, I get treated to an unhappy quasi-ending and a voice-over that advertises a sequel. I was angered and betrayed, and yet, I still bought the sequel in hopes of some sort of plot resolution. Then I discovered that I needed to buy the expansion to the sequel.

  13. FireSpark says:

    BLD: Big Let Down. Even a blind man could see this ending coming from a mile away. Your 40+ hours of gameplay spent hoping that a sudden plot twist would appear at any moment will be proven fruitless.

  14. TS:time suck
    This game will take weeks and weeks away from your life, you will slowly forget what the outside of your room looks like.

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  1. By Gameplay blog » . . on February 15, 2007 at 4:44 am

    [...] : ESRB. [...]

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