Stolen Pixels #211: This is Not Funny

By Shamus Posted Tuesday Jul 13, 2010

Filed under: Column 51 comments

My two great tragedies: Steam working, and not being able to grow a mustache.


From The Archives:

51 thoughts on “Stolen Pixels #211: This is Not Funny

  1. hevis says:

    Damn you Valve!

  2. SatansBestBuddy says:

    Well, at least it was only three steps.

    Imagine if it had taken eight or nine!

  3. Daemian Lucifer says:

    As someone who has to shave twice a day in order to stay smooth,I hate you.

    1. Lambach says:

      I also must shave a couple times a day, what’s more I can’t complete a shave with a single razor.
      I decided it wasn’t worth it anymore and now have a beard and a gaming budget with the money I save by not shaving.

      1. Teldurn says:

        Twice a day?! If I shave more than once a week I get razorburn, even with the application of preshave gels and aftershave lotions.

        Are you two BEARS IN HUMAN FORM?

        1. Mari says:

          Heh. I call my hubby a Wookie, my bearskin rug, and Grizzly Adams. Other people simply call him “circa-1978 Brian Wilson” or “Young Wozniak.”

        2. Ingvar says:

          Used to shave daily. Thankfully, my beard is pale enough that the noon shadow wasn’t too visible (although very noticeable). 1-2 disposable razors per go, 2-3 if I’d been slacking and let a few days go since last shave.

          A beard is MUCH easier.

          1. Bryan says:

            Unless you have only a few dozen thick off-color hairs and nothing else spread across your face. And allergic to most shaving creams, shaving soaps and similar products. You don’t know how lucky you are, Shamus.

      2. Abnaxis says:

        Same boat here, except I decided to let the hair grow just because I like it. My face looks weird clean-shaven.

        My beard and I scoff at you Shamus! Scoff!

    2. Matthew says:

      As a person with beard that grows -incredibly- uneven, I hate you too.

    3. IronCastKnight says:

      As a person who can grow a pretty awesome beard when I put my mind to it but suffers from hideous ingrown hair no matter how carefully I shave, you don’t realize how lucky you are.

      1. BaCoN says:

        As a man who is too lazy to shave his beard until he gets asked if he spent the last month in the wild, I am ambivalent to your facial hair problems.

        1. Audacity says:

          As a regular human male who needs only shave once a day, I pity all of your follicle failings. But I don’t pity the beardless, or over-beardly, nearly as much as I pity those poor metro-sexuals who must forgo shaving every few days lest their lack of stubble betray their effeminacy.

        2. Pickly says:

          As someone who generally cuts his beard and mustache every few days/weeks to keep it short, I wonder how much money shamus would offer for some extra hair, and whether it would be worth the shipping costs.

          1. Archon says:

            During the early days of puberty, I was the first to grow a beard, and quite a fast-growing one. A friend of mine was horribly jealous (while I was jealous of his low-maintenance smooth skin) and wanted a beard badly. So I let mine grow out for a week, shaved with an electric razor (OW OW HURTS PULL HAIR OW), and dumped the clippings in a tissue. I brought it to school and gave it to him.

            His first reaction was like I’d given him a dead caterpillar, because that’s what he thought the hair clump was.

            His second was just more annoyance. Oh, well, I thought it was quite funny!

    4. Mari says:

      As the wife of someone who has to shave twice a day to stay smooth, I pity Shamus AND Heather. Nothing nicer than a rugged stubble to rub your face against.

    5. Twice a day? Man, I shave twice a WEEK. Clearly I’m lacking in bearness

  4. Duoae says:

    Haha! Great! I see you took a bit of the suggestions in the previous thread then? :D

  5. Jeremiah says:

    You should just get a mustache tattoo on your index finger.

    Actually, make that a different one on each index finger so you can switch things up.

    1. LafinJack says:

      Eight fingers, eight moustaches.

  6. Irridium says:

    Just have your kids draw one of those wacky evil-villain like mustaches on you. In permanent marker.

  7. Teldurn says:

    Actually Shamus. This strip still made me laugh out loud. However, I can’t tell if it was because or in spite of your previous rant about the same subject.

  8. Zeta Kai says:

    Well, I was amused. Then again, I’m an easy audience.

  9. Mephane says:

    Fun fact about me: I actually can’t grow facial hair.

    That makes me sort of envious. It’s not that I dislike my goatee and the soul patch, but keeping the rest at bay is too much hassle if you ask me. I’d rather just have no facial hair at all.

    Well, actually I’d rather prefer some sort of lizard-skin instead of this “ape with less hair” thingy… Heh.

    1. Mephane says:

      Fun fact about me: I actually can’t grow facial hair.

      That makes me sort of envious. […] I’d rather just have no facial hair at all.

      I just remembered this old comment of mine. Such a blast from the past by that blasted mind of mine. Dysphoria was speaking but “still cis though”, as the meme goes.

  10. Atarlost says:

    You know, beardlessness is one of the traits of elves.

    So are you of the line of Elros or are you descended from Imrahil?

    1. Jarenth says:

      Beardlessness is also one of the traits of robots.

      Just saying.

      1. krellen says:

        I, for one, welcome our new Shambot Overlords.

        1. Mari says:

          OK, no. We can’t call them Shambots. Because it makes me think ShamWow! So our new overlords, they’re like a chamois, they’re like a towel, they’re like a sponge, they’re like a robot?

          1. Teldurn says:

            Does it make you say WOW every time, too?

      2. Zeta Kai says:

        Tell that to Flexo. ;D

  11. Axle says:

    I once tried to grow a goatee or “french beard”, as it is called over here and ended up with a weird circe around my mouth…

    By the way – It was 1994, I was 20 years old and listening to mudhoney and shit like that, so it was pefectly legal for me to want a goatee (or was it?).

    1. Wayoffbase says:

      I was playing EVE online once; and there was this guy called “Goateeman” (or something like that) talking in the noobcorp chat, asking if anyone thought his name was really cool. The best response I saw was “The goatee is the mullet of the 90’s. Unfortunately for you, it isn’t the 90’s anymore.” It was funny enough at the time that it will stick with me forever.

  12. Daimbert says:

    I’ll echo that this was, in fact, pretty funny, and had a good punchline with that image. Just evidence that sometimes when things look disastrous it can still turn out okay.

    In other words, this IS funny … to us, once a comic was produced [grin].

  13. Mike says:

    I tried to grow a goatee over my 12 day vacation. Shaved it off on day 12 as it looked like anyone else’s 3-day stubble. *sigh*

  14. Alan De Smet says:

    When life gives you, DRM, make DRMade. “Now I don’t have a comic or a mustache,” was worth the price of of admission by itself.

  15. Nick Pitino says:

    I don’t grow facial hair for crap either.

    Pretty much if I don’t shave I just get some thin, scraggly, weak-sauce facial hair over most of my face, half-decent sideburns and an ALMOST passable patch on my chin.

    Then…it stops growing.

    I can-and have-gone without shaving for months at a time with my facial hair in some sort of perpetual limbo making me look like Shaggy’s angry jaded cousin.

    Add to that my having a pony-tail, “I don’t get enough sleep” eye-bags, a skin-tone that says unflattering things about the amount of sun I get and then it almost becomes funny for me that my face seems to have a genetic predisposition to ‘lazy nerd’ levels of discheveledness.

  16. Pickly says:

    As for steam. Shamus is obviously lying. I have never had any issues with steam in all my time using it.

    O.k., except for last week forgetting that I have Team fortress 2 installed on my computer….

    And slowing it down somewhat….

    But as a commenter pretending to be a fanboy, I still stick to my guns that Shamus must be lying because of his hatred of…something… :)

    (The inability to do what Impulse does, where I can verify and easily move around installations, is pretty annoying, especially with the engineer unlock out, and me having recently picked up the game again after a year or so, missing the demoman and soldier unlocks.)

    1. Kdansky says:

      The drive I installed steam on is quickly running out of space due to summer sales. And of course, I cannot somehow split that giganormous directory. Bleh.

      1. Miral says:

        You can back up games you’re not playing now/soon to a spare drive/DVD and delete the originals. That saves on downloading them again later on…

  17. Ramsus says:

    Have you tried checking if your mustache’s internet connect? I hear they don’t work in offline mode.

  18. Helm says:

    I pity the none bearders,it’s the epitome of manliness to stroke a beard while holding forth. baaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

    – strokes beard and looks wise –

    1. k3rni says:

      Helm, that immediately brought to my mind an image of Brian Blessed. He is the epitome of beardiness for me.

      1. Helm says:

        and a life long hero of mine hence my manly beard

  19. Vipermagi says:

    Shamus; the envy of shaving men, and laughing stock of the bearded :)

    1. Deoxy says:


      Everyone says my beard looks really nice when I grow it, so my face didn’t see my twenties. Then my wife decided it was too rough, so I shave (and should really shave twice a day, if I wanted to actually be smooth)… 8 years after we were married. Still not sure it’s worth it.

      HATE shaving.

  20. Matt K says:

    At least your name isn’t Frank Beard. Imagine being the guy named beard in ZZ Top and being the only guy to not actually having one.

    1. Al Shiney says:

      I’ve had a full beard since I was 16. My face looks much funnier than usual when shaved, so I cut my losses a long time ago and have saved hundreds of dollars in shaving gear.

      Also, funniest title of a cookbook that I’ve ever seen was written by the great culinary icon James Beard … “Beard on Bread”. It’s the homemade bread baker’s bible.

  21. Miral says:

    You know, you could have just made a non-GMod comic. (Which I guess technically is what you did. Shut up. ;) )

    (Note: I’m not complaining; I think this comic was amusing. But I’m a nit-picker by inclination and vocation, so it seemed like it had to be said.)

  22. Zaghadka says:

    Mother may I… grow a mustache?

    Mother may I… play my game?

    Mother may I…

Thanks for joining the discussion. Be nice, don't post angry, and enjoy yourself. This is supposed to be fun. Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked*

You can enclose spoilers in <strike> tags like so:
<strike>Darth Vader is Luke's father!</strike>

You can make things italics like this:
Can you imagine having Darth Vader as your <i>father</i>?

You can make things bold like this:
I'm <b>very</b> glad Darth Vader isn't my father.

You can make links like this:
I'm reading about <a href="">Darth Vader</a> on Wikipedia!

You can quote someone like this:
Darth Vader said <blockquote>Luke, I am your father.</blockquote>

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.