Lord of the Rings Online #8: Bandit Boy

By Shamus
on Apr 17, 2016
Filed under:
Shamus Plays

I’m still in the Archet area, doing… something. I’m supposedly here to help the locals, but this entire town is incredibly help-resistant.

A few people have expressed outrage at how dumb the quests are. Its true that the quests I’ve been doing are a little on the “open mouthed and drooling” end of the spectrum, but keep in mind I’ve been cherry-picking these quests. I mean, if you just want the standard “kill ten wolves” kind of stuff LOTRO will be able to meet your needs.

Also note that there is a ridiculous amount of content in this game. There are three totally unique areas for level 1-15 content. Each of these has way more quests than you need. You can easily pick and choose to do things based on how fun they sound.

What is Maida doing? It looks like she`s suddenly become aware of the golden ring floating over her head and she`s trying to shoo it away.

What is Maida doing? It looks like she`s suddenly become aware of the golden ring floating over her head and she`s trying to shoo it away.

Maida Woodwright is looking for her son. She wrings her hands as she tells me her tale, “I haven’t heard word from me son since this brigand nonsense began, and I’m mighty scared he got caught up in some trouble.”

This makes me sad, but also happy. It’s sad because her son is missing. But happy because at long last I’ll be doing something useful.

“Aw. What did the little guy look like?”, I ask.

“Oh, he’s not little. He’s all grown up.”

“So by ‘getting into trouble’ you mean he… moved out?”

“I hear he’s living out east now.”

“Wait… east?”, I ask, looking out towards the woods where I’ve been working all day. “The only thing east of here is bandits.”

“You know how boys are. So full of energy.”, she explains.

“Why would your son go and move to bandit country in the middle of a siege?”

“Could you make sure he’s all right for me?”

So we’ll find young Woodwright and see what his story is. Let’s head for Chetwood.

On my way out of town, I encounter a human and for the first time in my life I know that jealousy is actually a form of pain.

Ah! A Steelers fan, huh?

Ah! A Steelers fan, huh?

I’m not sure why her name is longer than the average family tree, but more importantly: Where did she get that outfit!?

Her clothes are gorgeous, sure. But the thing that really captures my attention is that they’re all the same color. Her clothes match. Most people look like me: Random mismatched shades of brown, green, teal, beige, rust, and dirty yellow. It’s like a clown suit that’s been sun-bleached, cut into pieces, stitched back together at random, used a a horse blanket, washed in a muddy river, and then left to mildew. I can’t believe I was ever proud of the rags I’m wearing now.

The lady runs off before I can learn the secret of where to obtain matching clothes. I’ll have to look into that at some point.

So we’re off into the heart of Chetwood, which they should just rename to “Banditburgh” at this point. The population consists of bandits, wolves, bandits, spiders, bandits, boars, and bandits, along with a smattering of my personal favorite: groups of bandits.

I slaughter my way to the gates of the ruins where the bandits live. Sure enough, there he is:

He actually doesn`t attack you until you attempt to deliver the message. He`ll ignore you as you trot in and out of this base he`s supposedly guarding. Not only is he a bandit, but he`s apparently so lousy at it that they gave him guard duty and he still screwed it up.

He actually doesn`t attack you until you attempt to deliver the message. He`ll ignore you as you trot in and out of this base he`s supposedly guarding. Not only is he a bandit, but he`s apparently so lousy at it that they gave him guard duty and he still screwed it up.

Covell Woodwright. A fine, upstanding member of the bandit community.

“Hullo!”, I greet Covell, “I have a message from your mother…”

“Blaaarg!”, he says, flying into a rage. And with that, he begins with the stabbing and the shouting.

Hold still. I need to give you a few more pokes with my tickle-stick here and your problems will all be over.

Hold still. I need to give you a few more pokes with my tickle-stick here and your problems will all be over.

I do not feel good about this. I was sent to bring him a message from his mother, and now I’m in a swordfight with the scoundrel. Still, it’s him or me, and I like me way better than him.

I MAY BE HORRIBLE AT MY JOB BUT I`M GOING TO KEEP DOING IT ANYWAY!

I MAY BE HORRIBLE AT MY JOB BUT I`M GOING TO KEEP DOING IT ANYWAY!

A few seconds later Covell decides that being stabbed in the junk by a raging musician is more trouble than he’s cut out for, and he runs away shouting, “I’ll never abandon the Blackwold!”

Blackwold? I guess that’s what the brigands are calling themselves. Kind of like kids forming a club. How cute. It’s even got the word “black” in it so we know they’re like, dangerous. Well, when they’re not running away from Hobbits, anyway.

I know I`ve killed a lot of bandits lately, but they can`t possibly be this desperate for members.

I know I`ve killed a lot of bandits lately, but they can`t possibly be this desperate for members.

Yes, Covell. You’re a member of the Blackwold. And they must be so proud to have you.

Well, this is going to be awkward.

I return to town and break the news to Ma Woodwright. I tell her that he’s joined up with the bad guys and he’s not coming back. I leave out the part where he ran away like a screaming like a girl on account of me stabbing his junk. I also leave out mentioning that she’s a horrible mother. She drops some coppers on me and we part ways.

I have good news: You are better at mothering than Covell is at bandit-ing.

I have good news: You are better at mothering than Covell is at bandit-ing.

Let’s see: So far I’ve buried some heroes in a shallow unmarked grave, recovered a handkerchief, insulted the woodcutter, murdered for a fishing pole, and broke a mother’s heart. I don’t think my campaign is improving the lives of these people the way I hoped it would.

It’s almost as if those years of music lessons left me unprepared to rebuild a city after an invasion.

I think what I need to do is go back to the Shire. I have to settle up with the post office for all of this.

I`m the map, I`m the map, I`m the map, I`m the map, I`m the map, I`m the map, I`M THE MAP!

I`m the map, I`m the map, I`m the map, I`m the map, I`m the map, I`m the map, I`M THE MAP!

I’m heading to the town of Little Delving, which is where you normally go directly after the battle of Archet. It seemed to make more sense to finish up things in Archet before leaving. I’ll be a little over-leveled for the stuff I’m about to do, but that shouldn’t matter because…

Eh. It’s complicated. You’ll see.

However, it might have been funny to come back to Archet after finishing up the Shire so Jon Brackenbrook could ask me to bury Dirk Mudbrick weeks after he died.

Ahhhh. Home again. I guess I should show you around.

This game turn 9 next week, and it still looks great, because they focused on art design rather than raw graphics.

This game turn 9 next week, and it still looks great, because they focused on art design rather than raw graphics.

It’s pretty here, and at least people know how to build proper homes that don’t look like warehouses. But this place isn’t all sunshine and gardens.

The only thing missing is little tufts of grass to make the hills less flat.

The only thing missing is little tufts of grass to make the hills less flat.

There’s something you should know about Hobbits. They’re not psychotic morons like humans. But that doesn’t mean they’re sensible folk. They’re eccentric and silly. This is usually more tolerable than Big People, but they’ll still capable of driving you batty if you let them. Speaking of which…

Mundo reminds me of Mungo, which reminds me of Little Lamplight in Fallout 3, which makes me hate this guy even more.

Mundo reminds me of Mungo, which reminds me of Little Lamplight in Fallout 3, which makes me hate this guy even more.

The first person I see when I arrive in town is Mundo Sackville-Baggins.

You remember Mundo. I accidentally rescued him during the battle in Archet. The bad guys had captured him because they were looking for a guy named “Baggins”. After a harrowing night of having heavily armed killers not harming him in the slightest, Mundo was rescued by Amdir and brought to Archet. He then spent another terrifying day relaxing around town while everyone else was hard at workAnd by “hard at work” I mean, “asking me to do hard work for them”. getting ready for the attack. Mundo was then rescued again (by me) during the battle of Archet after having absolutely nothing bad happen to him. (Although, I want to stress that rescuing him was just a side-effect of me being in town and killing everything that wasn’t already on fire.)

So now he’s here in town and he wants to talk to me.

“This is outrageous!”, he huffs indignantly, “I will not be satisfied until I receive just compensation for my treatment at the hands of those Blackwolds!”

“Done.” I tell him. “I killed those guys and then some.”

“No, I mean I want compensation. Money.”

“You want money? Believe me, they don’t have any. I mean, you might be able to score some fishing gear or a list of dead trees, but the Blackwolds are actually somehow poorer that the people they just robbed.” After a few seconds I add, “Oh, and they’re mostly dead now.”

“No! Not from them! I want compensation from everyone else.”

There’s this long pause while I look at him and he looks at me and I look at him and a little more of the Third Age slips away. Finally, I respond, “You want compensation from your fellow citizens for being kidnapped and then not hurt?”

“Yes!”

“Were you bitten by giant spiders?”

“Ugh! Of course not!”, he says with disgust.

“Did you have to fight wolves?”

“No.”

“Were you attacked by a Nazgul? Fight a boar? Get stabbed by brigands?”

“Obviously not.”

“Fight a fire? Bury dead people? Dig up tree stumps with a pick axe? Mauled by a bear?”

“No. But they were very rude to me.”

“I think you are complaining to the wrong Hobbit.”

In the end he gives me a letter for Mayor Whitfoot in Michel Delving. (For you humans, Michel Delving is a town, not a person.) He also gives me 90 coppers for my trouble. I’m heading to Michel Delving anyway, so I might as well take his money.

This is like meeting a cop named COP.

This is like meeting a cop named COP.

Nearby is a fellow named Bounder. He invites me to… join the bounders? At first I think this is some kind of lame come-on, but then I remember the bounders are this group of general job-doers around the Shire. Never had need of them myself. Since their job is “do random things for money”, I kind of feel like I must already qualify for the position. Turns out the job comes with a hat. I sign up.

But just beyond Bounder I see…

They should have Kevin Costner voice this character. Except they also really really shouldn`t.

They should have Kevin Costner voice this character. Except they also really really shouldn`t.

The postman!

Fie.

Days ago I was pulled into the business of warfare and murder because the post office wouldn’t deliver a letter. In attempting to deliver the letter myself, I ended up escorting a postman who led me through a nest of humongous spiders and into a Nazgul. And now I return to the Shire and find a postman standing idle beside a table loaded with mail while he makes no effort whatsoever to deliver any of it. We have an entire postal system dedicated to employing people to carefully sort letters into piles which are then left undisturbed. Forever. There’s probably stuff from the First Age of the world at the bottom of the pile. I’ll bet if I dug through them I’d find one:

Dear Elrond,

In your last letter you said not to dig too deep or we might run into balrogs. What in the name of mithril underpants is a balrog?

Your Buddy,

Durin

I storm over to the postman and jump up onto his table. I am going to unleash a fury on him that is beyond his comprehension. This guy is about to discover why you don’t piss off a bard.

Sung to the tune of Favorite Things.

Sung to the tune of Favorite Things.

Stomping on postmen and punching their faces,
kicking their shins and their sensitive places.
Hitting and biting throwing sharp things,
these are a few of my favorite things!

Griefing the postman by slapping his mother,
Make him eat marshflies one after another.
Stuff him in a barrel then float him downstream,
these are a few of my favorite things!

When the wolf bites! When the-

“Oh what luck, a volunteer!”, the postman shouts over my singing. He presses a satchel of mail against my hands until I’m obliged to stop playing and take the thing.

“What is this?”, I demand.

Gesturing at my package he says, “That one needs to go to Michel Delving. Off you go!”

Things are about to go very, very badly for one of us.

Next time: Going Postal!

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Footnotes:

[1] And by “hard at work” I mean, “asking me to do hard work for them”.



12There are a dozen comments.

From the Archives:

  1. Sunshine says:

    I assume that Bounder is also a cad and a blackguard.

  2. Joshua says:

    “I’m still in the Archet area, doing… something. I’m supposedly here to help the locals, but this entire town is incredibly help-resistant.
    A few people have expressed outrage at how dumb the quests are. Its true that the quests I’ve been doing are a little on the “open mouthed and drooling” end of the spectrum, but keep in mind I’ve been cherry-picking these quests. ”

    Oh, but there’s plenty more stupidity to come here and there in the game. Here’s a section I just had the pleasure of revisiting yesterday (with my 6th toon).

    Coincidentally, there’s another part in the game where brigands come in and pillage the town. It’s much later in Eastern Rohan, and your character is the high 70s at that point. There’s a couple of idiot plot points, but the plotline is more or less played straight and somewhat tragic as most of the Rohirrim are killed.

    After attempting to help defend the town, you retreat to the survivors who have fled to another town (basically, the capital city of the area) and are living outside the gates as refugees. You do a few favors for the local guards, and then they tell you to go speak to the local Reeve, to see if there’s anything you can do for him since you’re a willing hero.

    That Reeve then BANISHES you from the city as you look like an untrustworthy sort. You then have to do a fairly large series of quests to prove your worth. Some of the quests even involve sneaking around inside the city (risking deportation from the guards) on behalf of the refugees.

    One of these quests even involves attempting to buy a house for the refugees (just one!) as you represent their leader, the widow of the Thane who perished in the pillaging. It makes no sense why you would be a better person to do this than her, as she’s actually the leader and isn’t banished from the town. It is only after you’ve done about 15-20 quests that she puts her foot down and testifies to your honesty before the Reeve.

    That expansion gets much better after this, but the player should have had the option to simply say “You’re going to banish me for trying to help YOU? Ok, have a nice life, pal.” However, IIRC, all of these quests are sequential so you *have* to complete this early segment to continue on.

  3. Hector says:

    [Darn it. I need to bring actual comedy instead of lame jokes.]

  4. Mephane says:

    There are three totally unique areas for level 1-15 content. Each of these has way more quests than you need. You can easily pick and choose to do things based on how fun they sound.

    It doesn’t work like that. If there are 20 quests in a village, then I leave the village after I have completed 20 quests. One does not simply leave quests unfinished.

    • Hector says:

      “One does not simply leave quests unfinished…”

      “Yes you do. You totally do!”

      “I’m a wizard!”

      “Yes, but you’re not a ninja.”

      • Syal says:

        I’m getting a picture of a dozen adventuring parties spread across Middle Earth, all waiting for Gandalf to come back like he said he would, but Gandalf got distracted by various other quests and just left them all hanging until they gave up and went home.

  5. TMC_Sherpa says:

    There should be more songs in these posts.

    Grinding the theme park
    M M O fun and games
    Text that says you are unique
    When everyone’s all the same
    The net will help you find
    The answers you will need
    Long as the game is popular
    FAQ brings you up to speed

    In the theme park
    Grinding in the theme park
    Just need one more drop now
    please, please
    I wanna get some sleep

  6. Issachar says:

    I nearly Coke-spewed when I moused over the map and read the caption. Boy did that song aggravate me during our kid’s Dora phase. :-)

  7. tremor3258 says:

    It really is an absolutely lovely game.

    Even if the question is how did Archet’s townfolks get their stuff together enough to build the town in the first place?

  8. Tuvalu says:

    Oh man. The postal quests. Those things were what made me realize, “Hey, there are a ton of quests here. I’m going to be insanely overleveled once I leave the Shire. I don’t have to do all of them!”
    And really, it was those and some other delivery missions that I skipped. Still did the rest.

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