on Aug 12, 2007
This morning I saw a link to a news item: Tips from a former CIA spy on protecting your ID. That is about the coolest topic for a news article I’ve ever heard. I’m sure the real thing is full of obvious advice, but imagine how it could be:
Tips from a former CIA spy on protecting your ID, awesome version:
- When assessing the threat of identity theft, first find the country of origin of the thief. You don’t want to cause an international incident by operating against a “friendly” country.
- Determine the nature of the theft. Did the person use plastic surgery to duplicate your appearance? Have they erased your memories? Are they attempting to live a normal life with your family while government assassins chase you all over Europe? Are they using your iTunes account to download a bunch of embarrassing crap you’d never listen to in a million years?
- Once you know the location of the individual or organization who has stolen your identity, be sure to take action quickly. It’s easy to say, ” Who cares? I have a half dozen other identities in my emergency drop”, but keep in mind that you (and your controlling government) may be held liable for any kills they perform while masquerading as you.
- Once action is green-lit, you want to make sure you can confirm the kill. Don’t settle for knocking his car over a cliff during a high-speed chase, where it explodes in a huge fireball, because you just know he’ll somehow show up again later, only with a bunch more guys and even more resources.
- That female agent you keep running into “by chance”, who knows your every move and you can’t tell whose side she’s on? Here’s a hint: Probably not your side, genius.
- Trust no-one. Remember, if they can steal your identity, they can steal anyone’s. Even the president’s. Especially the president’s.
- If you’re stumped for clues, pay a visit to your friend the computer hacker. They can probably get your case back on track by being eccentric and typing really fast.
- Do try to keep your informants safe. The Enemy just loves to kill civilians right before they reveal critical pieces of information.
- Who is behind this? How deep does the conspiracy go? How far are you willing to go for the truth? All the way? Good. Then you’re probably going to need a sniper rifle. And hand grenades. And the help of an old partner who retired years ago when he realized things weren’t as black-and-white as he thought and he couldn’t tell the good guys from the bad guys anymore, but who still owes you one for that one thing you did for him in Belfast.
Also, you’ll need a helicopter.
- And finally, when you go to one of those MySpace pages that asks you to re-enter your name and password so you can see the “adult” pictures in some chick’s profile, don’t fall for it. It’s just a trick to steal your MySpace account. Not that this has happened to me or any of the other agents. I’m just saying those little bastards are devious and if I catch them, I’m going to use some interrogation techniques I picked up that one time I was captured in Sri Lanka.
Shamus Young is an old-school OpenGL programmer, author, and composer. He runs this site and if anything is broken you should probably blame him.