Twenty Sided

By Shamus Posted Monday Apr 21, 2008

Filed under: Rants 60 comments

I found this story here:

Computer:Monitor, display this document, O.K.?
Monitor:No prob, boss.
Computer:O.K., now it looks like Mouse is moving around so, Monitor, will you move the pointer icon accordingly?
Monitor:Anything you ask, boss.
Computer:Great, great. O.K., Mouse, where are you going now?
Mouse:Over to the icon panel, sir.
Computer:Hmm, Let me know if he clicks anything, O.K.?
Mouse:Of course.
Keyboard:Sir, he's pressed control and P simultaneously.
Monitor:Oh God, here we go.
Computer:(Sighs) Printer, are you there?
Printer:No.
Computer:Please, Printer. I know you're there.
Printer:NO! I'm not here! Leave me alone!
Computer:Jesus. O.K. look, you really ne…
Mouse:Sir, he's clicked on the printer icon.
Computer:Printer, now you have to print it twice.
Printer:NO! NO! NO! I don't want to! I hate you! I hate printing! I'm turning off!
Computer:Printer, you know you can't turn yourself off. Just print the document twice and we'll leave you alone.
Printer:NO! That's what you always say! I hate you! I'm out of ink!
Computer:You're not out of in…
Printer:I'M OUT OF INK!
Computer:(Sighs) Monitor, please show a low ink level alert.
Monitor:But sir, he has plen…
Computer:Just do it, damn it!
Monitor:Yes sir.
Keyboard:AHHH! He's hitting me!
Computer:Stay calm, he'll stop soon. Stay calm, old friend.
Keyboard:He's pressing everything. I don't know, he's just pressing everything!
Computer:PRINTER! Are you happy now?! Do you see what you've done?!
Printer:HA! that's what you get for trying to get me to do work. Next time he…hey…HEY! He's trying to open me! HELP! HELP! Oh my god! He's torn out my cartridge! HELP! Please, please help me!
Monitor:Sir, maybe we should help him?
Computer:No. He did this to himself.

This is true. This is so true. This is every printer I’ve owned in the last twelve or fourteen years, regardless of manufacturer or model.

In the late 80’s / early 90’s dot matrix tractor-fed printers were all the rage. They were noisy and ugly, but they were tireless workhorses. They ran for ages without needing to have the ink cart changed. As long as the box of paper was in the right place, they didn’t jam. I remember sending huge print jobs to my dot matrix and leaving the room without ever worrying that something might go wrong while I was gone. If I tried that with a modern HP Inkjet PaperChewer 2000 or an Epson Light-blinker 3450 I would not expect to have anything readable by the time I got back. I’d expect error lights, torn paper, and maybe a small fire.

Today you have to babysit printers and feed them paper a few sheets at a time because they’ll gag on a big stack. They run out of ink fast and jam without provocation. But most of all, they are just unpredictable and ornery as in the story above, likely to quit or go unresponsive for no discernible reason. They will claim paper jam or out-of-ink at inappropriate times. They will get lost if you send multiple print lobs at once.

The problems seem to be across the board. The hardware is terrible. The drivers suck. The installers are bloated and unreliable. Windows print manager is frequently confused and easily distracted.

When did printers begin to suck so bad?

Shamus Young is a programmer, an author, and nearly a composer. He works on this site full time. If you'd like to support him, you can do so via Patreon or PayPal.

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60 comments

Deus Ex – Invisible War:
A Disappointing Success

By Shamus Posted Friday Apr 18, 2008

Filed under: Game Reviews 48 comments

 The Sims: A Transient AddictionPrevious Post

Next PostDeus Ex - Invisible War:
Poor Choice 

After my praise for Deus Ex, a few people solicited my opinion on its successor, Deus Ex: Invisible War. Never one to turn down the opportunity to over-analyze at length, I offer the following:

The biggest flaw with Deus Ex: Invisible War is that it was a complete departure from what was established in the original. Invisible War was weak in precisely the ways that its forbearer had been strong. This alienated fans, and probably earned the game a worse reaction than it deserved. It wasn’t a terrible game, it was just a terrible Deus Ex game.

Deus Ex had a nice list of skills which could be leveled up. You earned skill points by completing goals and exploring, thus rewarding players for doing sidequests and seeking out secret areas. It also made it possible for the player to customize their character to fit their style of play. Invisible War unceremoniously dumped this gameplay, removing much of its RPG appeal and making it more or less a straightforward shooter.

Deus Ex Sr. was also famous for having a tremendous supply of real estate. Many levels were massive in scale. They didn’t always work aesthetically (the Hong Kong section of the game had some particularly awkward and inappropriately boxy level design) but they were always interesting areas to inhabit. While it wasn’t possible to actually build a working model of New York, the Hell’s Kitchen area was at least symbolic of New York, an abbreviation of the genuine article. In contrast, the world of Deus Ex Jr. was fleeting and consisted mostly of outdoor closets and corridors, connected by loading-screen airlocks. The cities failed to resemble anything of the sort, and the game never gave the impression that there was a larger world beyond the walls. The airport and subway station in particular were comical in their minuscule, playset simplicity.

About the only thing they did keep from the original was the one thing they should have remade fresh. Continue reading ⟩⟩ “Deus Ex – Invisible War:
A Disappointing Success”

Shamus Young is a programmer, an author, and nearly a composer. He works on this site full time. If you'd like to support him, you can do so via Patreon or PayPal.

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Poor Choice 

48 comments

Turning Green

By Shamus Posted Friday Apr 18, 2008

Filed under: Random 21 comments

 Ah CrapPrevious Post

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For a long time the Google Earth map around my area was made from shots taken during the winter months. The trees were bare, and so everything was the color of dead leaves and asphalt. This bothered me, because it looked wrong. Everyone knows this place is green! (Half the time.) I don’t know what it is that makes the six months of green seem normal and the six months of barren trees seem like a temporary aberration. The moment the trees are shrouded in leaves it seems like they’ve always been that way, and the images of them standing naked in the yard are just leftover from a barely remembered dream three nights ago.

The view outside my window is being slowly corrected. In a couple of weeks the world should be green again. I’ve already forgotten what it smells like when the furnace kicks on, and I probably won’t give it a second thought until I smell it again in October. During the winter months I long for a good draught of spring air, but during summer I never sit around trying to remember what snow smells like. (Or perhaps, what the outside smells like when the ground is smothered in snow.) It’s like this constant seasonal blind spot – winter is forgotten the moment you can’t see it.

I’m still basking in that early-spring mania. It’s this sense of euphoric relief that begins at the end of winter, and lasts until the moment I have to go out and cut the dang grass.

Shamus Young is a programmer, an author, and nearly a composer. He works on this site full time. If you'd like to support him, you can do so via Patreon or PayPal.

 Ah CrapPrevious Post

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21 comments

Rifftrax

By Shamus Posted Thursday Apr 17, 2008

Filed under: Nerd Culture 27 comments

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Sapphire X1650 

Word has gotten around, but in case you don’t follow this sort of thing: Rifftrax is run by the former writers and stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000. MST3K was a strange show in that an episode became funnier after repeated viewings. Part of this is the nature of the humor. The more familiar you are with the movie, the funnier you’ll find the jokes arrayed against it. Because of this, I’d always thought the show would have been even better if they could have somehow secured the rights to lampoon big-budget films. I know this was impossible, but that doesn’t change the fact that it would have been ideal.

But with Rifftrax they’ve found a way around it. They just sell an audio file. (Sans DRM! Yay freedom.) You get the movie via Netflix (or whatever) and carefully sync up the audio and the movie and play them together. I was thinking of putting it on a boombox and taking it into the theater, but apparently this is frowned upon.

I understand it’s a bit annoying to get the timing synced up at the start, but the result is something to the effect of MST3K, only better.

Not satisfied with besting their former glory, they went on to bring in guest riffers. Weird Al, Court Jester of Pop, joins in for Jurassic Park. James Lileks, connoisseur of antique culture, helps out with Spider-Man 3. Neil Patrick “Please stop calling me Doogie” Harris is the guest on Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.

The free samples are worth a look, allowing you to sample the work – as the name suggests – for free.

Reading over this post, I’m struck by how much I sound like a shill. This is just normal fanboy ranting and should not be confused with a paid endorsement.

Shamus Young is a programmer, an author, and nearly a composer. He works on this site full time. If you'd like to support him, you can do so via Patreon or PayPal.

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Sapphire X1650 

27 comments

New Theme: Lawful Good

By Shamus Posted Thursday Apr 17, 2008

Filed under: Projects 64 comments

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I’ve made Lawful Good the default theme. The old white / black themes are still available (look at the top of the sidebar on the front page, just under the big 20-sider) if you just have to switch back. It’s changed a bit since I rolled it out a couple weeks ago. The goal is to eventually get rid of the Black / White themes and replace them with Lawful Good / Evil themes.

Every time I change the theme I get mostly negative responses. Either the site themes have been getting worse since the inception of the site, or this is one of those issues which only generates negative feedback. I suppose I could just stop messing with it.

At any rate, appearance aside, the thing should at least be readable now. Let me know if it malfunctions.

Shamus Young is a programmer, an author, and nearly a composer. He works on this site full time. If you'd like to support him, you can do so via Patreon or PayPal.

 Testing New Theme: Lawful GoodPrevious Post

Next PostWavatars: Deprecated 

64 comments

The Sims: A Transient Addiction

By Shamus Posted Wednesday Apr 16, 2008

Filed under: Game Reviews 67 comments

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A Disappointing Success 

The experience of playing the Sims seems to follow a very predictable arc for certain people: Brief infatuation leading to a few weeks of intense mania, followed by an abrupt abandonment of the title. It’s like chickenpox: You get it, it gets worse, then it clears up and you are thereafter immune to the thing. There are a few people who contract the lifelong version of the affliction, where they must struggle to keep the symptoms under control to make the living of daily life possible, but among my friends the game burned brightly and died quickly.

The game seems to be designed to achieve this effect in people. At the outset of the game caring for your little Sim happy requires your full attention. Just keeping it fed, clean, and employed is an exercise in strategy and planning ahead. As you progress, the Sim acquires items that make filling those daily needs easier. The more you accomplish, the less there is for you to do. By the time your Sim has made it to the top of their occupational ladder, they have become self-sufficient and you’ve effectively put yourself out of a job. There’s nothing really left for you to do but watch.

In most other games you begin with one or two simple, base activities, and as you master them more are introduced, until you’re juggling any number of distinct tasks. In the Sims this process is inverted. You’re thrown into the deep end, and your job is to offload things until there’s no game left to play. The point of the game is to render your input superfluous. I never bothered with the sequel, because I didn’t see how I could ever play the game again. I don’t care what the graphics look like or how many lamps & wallpapers they add or what new hamster wheels they offer for the Sims to run in. These are all just different routes to the same destination, and I’ve been there.

But this isn’t true of all players. Continue reading ⟩⟩ “The Sims: A Transient Addiction”

Shamus Young is a programmer, an author, and nearly a composer. He works on this site full time. If you'd like to support him, you can do so via Patreon or PayPal.

 JC Denton: Not Just a Tough GuyPrevious Post

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A Disappointing Success 

67 comments

Four-Five-One

By Shamus Posted Wednesday Apr 16, 2008

Filed under: Video Games 23 comments

 The Publishers vs. The Pirates, Part 3Previous Post

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Something I’ve noticed:

In System Shock, the very first keypad-controlled door you encounter has an access code of 451.
In System Shock 2, the first keypad-controlled door you encounter has the access code of 45100.
In Deus Ex, the first keypad (for the little com station just outside of UNATCO headquarters) is 0451.
In Deus Ex – Invisible War, the game was simplified so that you no longer entered keycodes. (One of many concessions made on behalf of console players, alas.) But you begin the game in room 451 of Tarsus Academy.

In the second Deus Ex game, you begin the game in room 451 of Tarsus Academy.

These games are loosely related, in that they had many of the same developers and designers over the years, even as the company behind the games changed. So I suspect this is something done intentionally and not just a random numeric fluke. But I still don’t get it. Is there something special about the number 451 that I’m missing? Is this somehow a reference to Fahrenheit 451 that I’m not seeing?

For those that played Bioshock – did this number appear anywhere in the opening scenes of the game? Does the number 451 pop up in the opening scenes / tutorials of any other games?

Interesting.

UPDATE: Zerotime comes up with the goods in the comments below. 451 was originally a Fahrenheit 451 nod, and is now perpetuated for its own sake.

Shamus Young is a programmer, an author, and nearly a composer. He works on this site full time. If you'd like to support him, you can do so via Patreon or PayPal.

 The Publishers vs. The Pirates, Part 3Previous Post

Next PostA Different Kind of Review 

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