After the Siege of Rube Goldberg, I find myself standing in a courtyard so massive I can’t hold more than a quarter of it in my view distance. My first order of business is to establish a precise and accurate survey of the area’s operative features, which is as follows:
- To the north is a gate I can’t open.
- To the west is a gate I can’t open.
- To the east is a gate I can’t open.
- Near the north gate are three drums. Hitting one of the drums triggers a fuzzy drumbeat, but besides that has no obvious effect. (“Congratulations! You found the easter egg! We corrupted all your save data!”)
- In the middle of the room is an elevator that leads up to two buttons, which make encouraging grindy noises when I press them. Like the drumbeat, this may have updated my doors situation. It’s not like I can see them to look.
- The remaining six million square feet of of the room are filled by unstoppable, deranged misanthropes. Actually, everything in this game is, but I’m currently referring to the daedra.

The good news is that the lizards can be apprised of the situation RE: I’ve killed a big bad hunt man with my rad sick spell spear, and will in consequence devote their resources to killing the other eighteen thousand enemies in the room. An epic battle ensues, two factions flailing and roaring like starving lions; if only they could free themselves from the level geometry, I imagine we’d see some real bloodshed.
Continue reading 〉〉 “Ruts vs. Battlespire CH31: Count Schlockula”
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