T w e n t y S i d e d
I tossed some insults at Uwe Boll the other day, but Cineris has a better idea than boxing Use Boll: Challenge him to a movie-making competition, which would be a contest where he could not possibly win.
He hasn’t made any movies about games that I care about. I’ve never seen BloodRayne before. I played Alone in the Dark, but I was never very attached to the game itself. Far Cry was already a stupid game when it came to the story and characters, so I don’t know how much worse he’ll be able to make it. Dungeon Siege was more or less a plotless game of stats building and loot harvesting, so I don’t know how anyone could make a movie based on the game in any meaningful way. If you can make a movie from that, then Microsoft Flight Simulator: The Movie can’t be far off. Postal is stupid on purpose for comedic effect. I wonder if he realizes that.
So he hasn’t wronged any titles that I care about. My real fear is that he will. Sooner or later he’ll get his grubby mitts on the rights to some game close to my heart, and there won’t be anything I can do but watch my beloved story get turned into a single-digit scoring movie on the Tomatometer. System Shock, Myst, Dues Ex, and The Longest Journey come to mind.
What is Piracy?
It seems like a simple question, but it turns out everyone has a different idea of right and wrong in the digital world.
How I Plan To Rule This Dumb Industry
Here is how I'd conquer the game-publishing business. (Hint: NOT by copying EA, 2K, Activision, Take-Two, or Ubisoft.)
Spider-Man
A game I love. It has a solid main story and a couple of really obnoxious, cringy, incoherent side-plots in it. What happened here?
The Witch Watch
My first REAL published book, about a guy who comes back from the dead due to a misunderstanding.
Starcraft: Bot Fight
Let's do some scripting to make the Starcraft AI fight itself, and see how smart it is. Or isn't.
Oh if he does something like the first Final Fantasy live action movie I will personally kill him in a most painful way possible. Use of a giant meat slicer may be appropriate. By the way FF12 comes out tomorrow very exciting indeed.
I think Japanese games are pretty safe from him. Kojima point blank refused to allow Uwe Boll anywhere near his work.
I was going to post a comment to the effect of, “Fortunately, Uwe Boll’s proclivities for sex and violence will steer him away from any good franchises, like Deus Ex or System Shock.”
Then I realized that Alone in the Dark was (in theory, though I never played the original), supposed to be a game of Lovecraftian horror, perhaps in the vein of Silent Hill or possibly Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem. Uwe didn’t just manage to turn it into schlock, he completely changed the genre from horror to action.
Who do you think he will cast to play SHODAN?
Who would Uwe Boll cast as SHODAN? Hmmm…
Rosie O’Donnel?
Jessica Alba?
Paris Hilton?
He could get The Rock to play Hacker.
For the curious, I had my own suggestions for who would be in a movie version of System Shock.
The idea of a Uwe Boll version of Myst just boggles the imagination. I can’t imagine what he’d do to it.
I have an almost sick fascination to see the result, but I’m sure a just God will spare us.
“He could get The Rock to play Hacker.”
Don’t be dissin’ my Dwayne. I just wish he could get some good scripts to work with.
Then I realized that Alone in the Dark was (in theory, though I never played the original), supposed to be a game of Lovecraftian horror, perhaps in the vein of Silent Hill or possibly Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem.
The first game wasn’t just “inspired” by the Cthulhu-mythos, it WAS a mythos-game. It even featured the Deep Ones and Cthonians.
The second and third went more into the direction of zombies and undead, though, and the fourth – well, the fourth is the one the movie is based on, only that Uwe Boll somehow managed to change pretty much everything about it, aside from having a main named “Edward Carnby” and there being a connection to some old Indian legend…
Alone in the Dark now has a 0% score!
Ha!