T w e n t y S i d e d

I spend most of my week driving people. That’s been a big portion of my time for a couple of years; I mentioned I take my parents to doctor appointments regularly. My current vehicle, a Subaru Ascent, was chosen mostly because it’s incredibly comfortable and roomy. For a while now another family member has started a new job and because of a car breakdown I’ve been driving them. This means half of that driving time is by myself, and I tend to write essays in my head. I don’t always remember them, unfortunately. I remember something about the development and use of GPS, because some anon on Reddit asked the other day why people didn’t have to pay a “GPS access” fee. I think the comparison was “if you have to pay for a cell phone or internet, why don’t you have to pay for GPS?” And I won’t get entire the entire explanation; like I said, it was a whole-ass essay.

The last week or two some of the trips have been fairly late at night, and unfortunately this has caused me to flash back to Middle School/Junior High and High School. Based on “traditional American” views my time in public school was “normal” to “good.” And I used to think of it that way, too. But as I’ve aged I have come to realize it was really pretty awful. Very few of my memories, even those I once considered “happy” memories, evoke nostalgia at this point. They make me cringe at best (and I know that’s a common thing, realizing how “cringe” you were when you were younger); but they also make me angry. Angry that I ever thought some of that was “good” or even “acceptable.” I have mentioned to my kids many times I wish I could take back my parenting of them when they were younger and do it over again. I made so many mistakes. While that is still the stronger emotion, because it concerns my children, I think I was even worse as a young person in school. It was ALL a mistake.

I don’t like these moments when they come over me while driving. I shake my head and try to drive the thoughts away.

Deep Thoughts aside, back to Girls und Panzer Episode 5; titled Veterans of their trade: Sherman Corps!

Episode 5 opens at the Leclerc Tank Cafe. I don’t think it is ever established where exactly this is, possibly Tokyo, but it’s not on the Oarai School Ship. This is very likely right after the match-setting that occurred at the end of the previous episode. The tank cafe is given over completely to the gimmick: you signal that your table is ready to order by pressing a button that looks and sounds like a tank gun. All of the Panzer 4 crew order cakes, that are then delivered by miniature M25 Tank Transporters, commonly called “Dragon Wagons.” The cakes are, of course, delicious. It’s a moe anime; the cakes are NOT allowed to not be delicious.

While the girls eat, Miho apologizes for picking a number that matches Oarai against a strong team at the beginning. Yukari explains Saunders High’s wealth is more of a factor than their “strength,” but Miho also adds some new information: the first flight of battles is limited to ten tanks per side, and the amount of shells is limited as well, so Saunders’ numerical superiority will be less of a factor. I suspect this is probably Saunders biggest weakness. If they can make it past the limited battles, they can then put their assets to greater use. But Sayori points out, ten is still twice as many as five. AND she tells Mako she probably won’t get her extra units and tardiness excuses if they lose. Realizing she’s bringing the mood down, especially Miho’s, she shifts the subject to National TV Coverage, fantasizing about the fan mail she will receive if she appears on TV.

She exhorts Miho to eat her cake, but is interrupted by someone asking “Sub-Commander?”

This is Erika Itsumi, the Vice-Commander of the Kuromorimine Girls’ Academy Sensha-do team. On the left. On the right is Maho Nishizumi, the Commander, and Miho’s older sister. Erika takes on the “bad guy” role as the vocal antagonist, here and in the future. She is a second year student the same as Miho, and resents Miho extraordinarily not only for the still-mysterious incident in the past, but also because Miho was clearly being groomed to succeed Maho as Commander of the Kuromorimine team despite serious deficiencies, at least from the Nishizumi family/Kuromorimine perspective. There’s a lot of anger here. The emotional cap is seeing Miho as the Captain of the Oarai team…because (this is only hinted at in the series) Miho had publicly sworn she was abandoning Sensha-do. You might remember her saying something like that early on. To Erika, Miho joining another team is a betrayal on top of a failure. And, for those who might be wondering considering all the Easter eggs and references…yes, Erika is named for the titular “Erika” in the German marching song “Erika.” (Seriously, a banger if you like marches. The three-beat rests pounded out by the bass drum is {chef’s kiss}. No link but you can look up “German marching song Erika”)

Maho says she didn’t think Miho would still be doing Tankery, one of the few things she says throughout the series. Yukari interjects that Miho’s decision in the last championship battle was correct, but Erika cuts her off and tells Yukari it’s none of her business. Yukari apologizes. On their way out Erika calls over her shoulder that she hopes Miho doesn’t fight so poorly against Saunders she damages the name “Nishizumi.” While Miho further withdraws, Sayori and Hana loose their composure and call out Erika’s rude behavior. Erika angrily retorts she finds the Oarai team’s very EXISTENCE “rude.” Oarai is a nothing team from a nothing school and shouldn’t be degrading the sport of Tankery.

Mako, for some reason no longer worried and possibly prescient, quietly states “gee, it sure would be a shame if one of those no-name schools knocked a big, important Sensha-do team off their pedestal.”

After Erika and Maho leave, Yukari adds to the ongoing mystery: Kuromorimine won the Championship *nine times* until last year.

They all look at Miho, but nope. We’re not getting an explanation yet. So Hana suggests they eat their cake. And Mako asks for two more. Pieces of cake. Because she already ate hers.

On the transport back to their school ship, Miho stands alone at a railing. Yukari joins her, and tries to make her feel better. “hey, National Tournament. It’s an honor just to be nominated participating. We get to see the other schools fight and as long as we try our best, it’s fine.”

But the School Council trio appears and Momo informs Miho “No. You’re winning. It’s the only acceptable option, so get this ‘good feeling’ crap out of your head.” Yuzu adds

but Anzu shushes her, and tries to sooth feelings. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have to win, and it’s all up to YOU Miho, but NO PRESSURE ha ha, I guess I better figure out what to make you do if you lose! Ha ha!” and they wander off.

Yukari tries again, but all she gets out of Miho is “If I only knew what tanks they were going to use, I could come up with a plan…”

The next morning, an OMINOUS SHOT OF A CONVENIENCE STORE CARGO SHIP appears. Then disappears.

All four main characters except Yukari talk about Yukari’s absence from school and Tankery practice. They decide to go to Yukari’s house to make sure she’s well. To their shock, they discover Yukari’s parents run a barber shop…and Yukari has NEVER had a friend over before. In fact, it’s implied she’s never had A FRIEND before. Her father doesn’t just bow, he grovels on the floor thanking them for being Yukari’s friend. Her mother escorts them up to Yukari’s room, which is exactly as “tanky” as you would expect. Yukari-mom shoos dad away, apologizes for him, and explains that Yukari has been SO into tanks her whole life she never was able to make friends. Until now. Mako fixates on a photo showing a younger Yukari with her parents.

Mom leaves, telling them Yukari went to school early that morning and isn’t back yet. But soon after Yukari ENTERS THROUGH THE WINDOW wearing a convenience store uniform. She explains her choice of the window as not wanting to worry her father because of her clothing. I mean, they did think she was at school, not a part-time job. Yukari further explains: she “infiltrated” Saunders University High School’s school ship, the George Washington. She did this by stowing away on a SunKus Convenience Store cargo ship; thus the uniform. Once onboard the GW she changed into a Saunders school uniform. Where did she get these things? No one asks. In Saunders’ Sensha-do tank barracks she films Sherman M4’s, M4A1’s, and M4A6’s. The M4’s were the initial Sherman medium tank design. The A1’s used a hull cast in one piece, rather than a hull made from welding plates together. The A1’s also had a *very slightly larger*, better gun than the 75MM all-purpose gun M4’s were originally provided. The A6’s Yukari notes are sort-of “latest, greatest” Shermans, designed toward the end of WWII and never actually deployed. They had a “composite” hull with a cast front and welded sides and rear, and a possibly-much-improved engine. Saunders is also known to field the “Firefly” Sherman variant, at least one, which was a modification made to British-utilized Sherman tanks by installing a modified turret and Ordnance QF 17-pounder gun intended for the upcoming Cromwell tank.

Yukari also joins the planning meeting where she learns Saunders will use a Firefly, an M4A1, and 8 M4’s. Confident in her disguise, Yukari asks about strategy and tactics, before being outed by Vice-Commander Naomi as an unknown. Vice-Commander Alisa asks for Yukari’s name and rank…

…and then runs for the exit. Naomi (on the right) and Alisa (to the left) shout for Yukari to be stopped, but Commander Kei (pronounced “Kay”, the tall blonde in the middle) collapses in laughter. She seems like a decent sort. I mean, she laughed at the Kelly’s Heroes reference; Kei is clearly in this for the fun. (Oddball was the name of Donald Sutherland’s Sergeant character in Kelly’s Heroes.)

Yukari escapes and even manages to edit the footage a bit on the trip back to Oarai. She apologizes for the “credits.” Sayori points out that’s hardly the problem…is this even allowed in the rules?

Well, yes. Yes it is. Or at least, “pre-match scouting and surveillance” is. Sneakily infiltrating a school ship *may* be a grey area. She offers the video (memory stick) to Miho.

More importantly, now that emotions can scale down a bit, Yukari is truly touched they were all worried about her. She repeats they are the first friends who have ever been in her room (if you have a history watching anime or reading manga, you will know “room visitation” is often used as a marker of familiarity in Japan’s structured and stratified society. While it’s a common trope, the reality is only “less” formalized and stringent; not absent.) Tanks were her “only friends.” “You’re not kidding,” says Sayori;

Sayori also notices Yukari had a “punch perm” as a child. This is a hair style *almost* exclusively associated with Japanese men, mainly criminal (re: Yakuza) or “tough guy” roles from the 1970’s to the 1990’s. The permanent is similar to the “Jheri curl” style popular mostly among African-Americans in the 1980’s and into the 1990’s, although much tighter and usually restricted to the area of a crew cut. Yukari responds that her dad had that hairstyle when she was young and thought it was cool, and it kept her extremely floofy hair from causing problems. Sayori responds that maybe Yukari’s trouble making friends wasn’t because of her love of tanks. The scene ends with another exhortation for everyone to do their best, but Sayori replies this will be hardest for Mako. “Why?” Mako asks. Because “morning practice” starts tomorrow. “What?” says Mako.

The next day, after afternoon practice, Miho suggests the team stop for food on the way home. Sayori agrees, but is reminded by Hana they have something else to do. Miho makes it halfway home before remembering her strategy notebook in her desk back at school. While retrieving the notebook, she hears a tank moving. At the tank barracks Miho finds Mako, Sayori, Hana, and Yukari practicing rotating the turret, stopping the tank, and firing; trying to get the time down. They explain to Miho “we didn’t want to be the ones who slowed you down.”

After that is a practice montage, where we see, most of all, the tanks being repainted back to default colors. And de-banner-fied. Also, no longer are they “Team A, B, C, D, and E.” They each have a name and a mascot to go with their more-reasonable paint jobs. The Volleyball Team in the Type 89 is now Duck Team, represented by a white duck with spread wings. The History Club in the STuG III are now Hippo Team. Their mascot is a blue hippopotamus’s butt with a prominent butthole. I could probably write a short essay on what all that could possibly mean; or it could just be for the lolz. I don’t know. The First Years in the M3 Lee replace the bright pink with olive drab, but their logo is now a pink bunny wielding a knife. While they are just called “Rabbit Team,” fans frequently refer to them as the death/murder/knife/danger bunnies. The Student Council removes the gold plate or whatever it was they had on the Panzer 38(t) and become the Turtle Team, which Momo doesn’t like but will soon become INCREDIBLY APT. And of course the Panzer 4 becomes the Anglerfish Team with a pink anglerfish as their logo. Different translations use “anglerfish” or “Goosefish,”and sometimes “monkfish” which are all technically appropriate. But as the word “ankou” has already been established, it’s easier to just think of them as Ankou Team, and if you listen to the original Japanese, that’s what you will hear them say. Oarai also receives their “team uniforms” during this montage:

On the day of the first battle, we see Saunders High cheerleaders, Yukari’s parents in the stands (sitting next to some guy, probably the director), Darjeeling and Orange Pekoe from St. Gloriana, AND Maho and Erika from Kuromorimine. Then, the team gets heckled during match prep by Alisa and Naomi from Saunders (introduced above). Yukari hides behind Mako, which is funny considering Mako is one the smallest people seen in the show. But despite the heckling, Alisa and Naomi invite the Oarai team to come over and use their “support” services…where they can eat just about anything, use the shower trailer, the spa, etc. As Miho says “They really do have a lot of money, don’t they?” Kei talks with Anzu exuberantly (calling her “Angie” which bothers and confuses Yuzu.) Anzu replies with wordplay interchanging the name “Kei” with the Saunders use of “OK.” It’s an American thing, you wouldn’t…wait…

Kei notices “Sergeant Third Class Oddball” and asks if she’s “OK?” and invites her to come play anytime she wants. And is incredibly open and happy about it, something the Japanese used to associate with Americans. Loud, happy, and easy-going. And eating burgers all the time. The audience in the stands will watch most of the match on a giant-screen TV displayed on a K5 Railway Gun platform; specifically “Leopold.” In our world Leopold was used at Anzio, abandoned destroyed in Citavecchia (near Rome) and is now in the United States Army Ordnance Museum.

The rules for the national tournament are, again, a little different. Each team in each battle has a “flag tank.” If that tank gets destroyed, the battle is over. So, you could literally win a battle by destroying only one of the opponent’s tanks. You cannot change the flag tank mid-battle. You cannot hide the flag. The most common strategy is to keep the flag tank as far from the battle lines as possible, and hidden. Oarai’s flag tank is the Turtle Team’s (Student Council’s) Panzer 38(t), probably a good choice if Momo is still firing the gun or making any decisions.

Miho addresses the team: Saunders can out-attack and has strong defense. Oarai’s only asset is maneuverability. STAY CALM (looking at you, Rabbit Team), keep moving and draw them to the STuG III. When the match starts Miho moves the team into some nearby woods and sends the Rabbit and Duck Teams to scout right and left. The Rabbit Team spots three Shermans crest a hill outside the woods. They report their position and their intention to bait the group, but are fired on by three new Shermans coming at them from behind. Miho tells them reinforcements are coming from the South; the Ankou and Duck Teams then move out. The Rabbits, to their credit, “keep calm”

…sort of, and manage to lead six Shermans without getting hit. Firing a tank gun accurately while on the move is VERY difficult, only really made more possible in the modern era by several generations of computer control and advanced materials. Back with Ankou and Duck, they are intercepted on the way by THREE MORE Shermans, including the Firefly commanded by Naomi. Yukari points out Saunders has committed nine of it’s ten tanks to chasing three Oarai tanks. (We saw Kei leading the group that fired on the Rabbits.)

Miho asks if the Rabbits are clear of the Shermans. Screaming tells her they aren’t. She tells them what to do when they intercept Ankou and Duck.

And we get a brief shot of Alisa listening in on the conversation:

She radios to Kei to order two tanks to a particular location. As the three Oarai tanks approach the edge of the forest, they see those two Shermans just arriving at their exit point. As the Rabbits start to panic, Miho takes the lead and tells the other two teams they will keep advancing and go through the two Shermans ahead. Rabbit is tenuous, but Duck and Ankou are fixed firm on their goal. For her part, Kei marvels at Alisa’s “intuition.”

Having survived this initial encounter, Miho says “It’s almost like they were waiting for us.” And thankfully, realizes “Wait a minute. They WERE waiting for us.” She opens her hatch and scans the sky:

Saunders is eavesdropping on their radio transmissions!

They find a place to park for a second, and Yukari, the resident Tankery expert, pulls out the rule book. Nothing can be read as prohibiting what Saunders is doing. So technically, it’s not a violation of the rules. Hana wants to report the behavior, but Miho realizes this could give them a strategy. She announces what Oarai’s next move will be to target Saunders. As predicted, Alisa tells Kei how to position tanks to counter the strategy, based on her “intuition.” The nine Saunders tanks approach the intercept point from three different directions. Miho announces “Oh noes! We’re surrounded!” and Duck Team takes off from behind the cover of trees pulling a pallet of tree trunks to create a huge cloud of dust, indicating a “group” of tanks moving in a particular direction. Miho once again announces over radio that the Panzer 38(t), their flag tank, will hide at a particular location. Alisa has two Shermans redirected to that spot. They scan the area for the 38(t).

Wait, was that a…

Sometimes in life, little moments come along. Moments when you know…you effed up.

Nine to Five. The Rabbits *almost* get the other Saunders tank as it retreats, but it *is* a moving target. Around the field and in the audience, reactions come in. Alisa is shocked, more than Kei who is PLENTY shocked she lost a tank to Oarai. Orange Pekoe don’t seem particularly surprised, nor does Darjeeling. Erika is concerned; Oarai actually took out a Sanders Sherman? “Yep,” responds Maho. Maho doesn’t seem all that surprised, either. Maho and Miho may have a problem between them, but unlike Erika, you get the impression Maho doesn’t discount Miho’s abilities at strategy and planning.

Oarai’s answer was to use their cell phones, especially instant messaging, to communicate. Miho used Saunders reliance on Alisa’s “intuition” which was actually just intercepting their opponent’s communications, against them. (this is, incidentally, a reason I oppose plans to take away students’ cell phones in school. Regulate, fine. Take them away? Over my dead body. You never know when the Americans are gonna start cheating.)

Now that Oarai can effectively counter Saunders’ current plan of relying on Alisa for strategy, are Kei and the rest of the team good enough? They still have the numerical advantage, AND they still have superior firepower. Unfortunately…that’s the end of the episode. We don’t find out this time. AND THE NEXT EPISODE IS A RECAP!!!

I won’t do that to you. I swear this was almost traumatic when the series first aired.

Next up is Girls und Panzer Episode Six! Our first battle comes to a climax!

Paige Francis He/him