A Travelog of Ivalice, Part 4: Point Me at the Sky

By The Rocketeer Posted Wednesday Feb 2, 2022

Filed under: FFXII 87 comments

As much through a stroke of good luck as anything, the bounty hunter Ba’Gamnan has at last drawn his target to him, and Balthier and co. arrive in Bhujerba. The Strahl’s flyover of the skycity is freakin’ gorgeous, too; Final Fantasy XII really is a beautiful game. At the airport, Balthier points out once again that it might be bad news if Basch’s identity gets out, which is emphasized immediately by a pack of stormtroopers running past looking for them (oddly yelling out “He’s not here!” as they’re still entering.)

All of Shamus's screenshots of the cutscene came out blurry, so instead please enjoy this photograph of Asheville, North Carolina.
All of Shamus's screenshots of the cutscene came out blurry, so instead please enjoy this photograph of Asheville, North Carolina.

Naturally, with Basch and Vaan delivered safely to their respective certain dooms, Balthier and Fran have no motivation to remain in Bhujerba, and they take their payment and leave promptly. After— wait, wait, that’s the opposite of what happens, sorry. Despite armed authorities literally swarming around looking for him, and knowing that his most dangerous enemy is waiting to trap him with bait he doesn’t care about, and despite the fact that sticking his neck out for no reason will, in but a short while, become a major sticking point for Balthier, he decides to not only tarry with the suicidal Dalmascans but aid them in whatever dangerous monkeyshines they get involved in.

Fran offers no objection because she has no character or personality beyond following Balthier like a simpleton.


<b>Balthier:</b> ''Feel free to be creative. I thought 'Balthier' was pushing it, but I've learned Dalmascans will literally believe anything.''
Balthier: ''Feel free to be creative. I thought 'Balthier' was pushing it, but I've learned Dalmascans will literally believe anything.''

No sooner do they step outside and mention their destination than a young, well-dressed boy waltzes over and asks to tag along. The very reasonable question of why he would want to crawl into a closed mine is ventured, and he retorts with the same question. Balthier immediately accepts his company; shady criminals are all one big happy family. Asked his name, the kid gives a terrified deer-in-headlights routine and stammers out “Lamont,” but the party immediately one-ups his fumbling of an alias when Vaan addresses Basch by name. Lamont seems not to mind or notice, though, so the trip is afoot once more.

<b>Judge:</b> ''—wait, do you feel that? Are we in a cutscene? Is something about to happen?'' <b>Ondore:</b> ''An in-engine cutscene, methinks, not pre-rendered; 'tis like mere exposition yet again, Your Honor.''
Judge: ''—wait, do you feel that? Are we in a cutscene? Is something about to happen?'' Ondore: ''An in-engine cutscene, methinks, not pre-rendered; 'tis like mere exposition yet again, Your Honor.''

Coincidentally, all roads but the one path to the mine happen to be closed.Also coincidentally, there are two Hunts to be done in the mines, but neither can be started on the first go-round due to the roadblocks preventing you from flagging them. Uuuurrrrghgh! Upon reaching the mine, Balthier points out that such an important source of the Empire’s magicite is likely under heavy guard, but Lamont protests that the Empire is largely absent from Bhujerba due to the terms of their alliance. Because if there’s one thing we know about Empires and their stormtroopers, it’s their impeccable restraint and respect of boundaries.

Upon entering, whom should we find but Marquis Halim Ondore IVOndore narrated the opening exposition, which is styled as an excerpt from his memoirs. This is a nod to Final Fantasy Tactics, which is styled as a history written by in-game character Orran Durai, retold by his descendant Arazlam. Durai was burned at the stake for heresy! :) conversing with an unknown Judge in golden armor.The gold doesn’t show very well in this lighting, but trust me: this guy is blinged out. The Judge browbeats Ondore for a bit while the party listens in. They are on their way out, and the party keeps hidden as they pass. Lamont seems disappointed with how eager the Marquis is to kowtow to the Empire, but Balthier asserts that Ondore secretly funds insurrectionists. This will remain an important fact until the Imperial war plot is sidelined for a much more important and interesting plot, then brought back after that plot is forgotten and the war takes center stage again. I do want to point out that Ondore’s two attendants are some sort of long-necked cat-people, one blue and one orange. I don’t think their race is ever mentioned, and I don’t think you ever see any but these two. Just something I thought was odd.

They never really explain why the two most important men in Bhujerba are just kinda hanging around with Marquis Ondore and a Judge Magister.
They never really explain why the two most important men in Bhujerba are just kinda hanging around with Marquis Ondore and a Judge Magister.

The party makes its way deep into the mine proper, blue magicite glittering in the walls of the living rock of the floating continent. Lamont produces a glowing stone and waves it about like a Geiger counter.What he actually came here to check is never made clear; rather, the scene exists to introduce the nethicite, naturally. This short inspection seems to satisfy his curiosity, and when the party asks about the stone, he replies that it is called “nethicite,” and that, unlike normal magicite, it absorbs rather than releases magical— oh, I’m sorry, magickal power. I forgot we were in Ivalice for a second. Apparently, the Empire has been trying to manufacture nethicite for a while now, and the esteemed Draklor Laboratory has been succeeding to some extent lately.

Upon hearing this, Balthier comes close to losing his shit, demanding a slew of answers from our mysterious fifth wheel. Before his interrogation of a fourteen year old boy can bear fruit, however, who should bust in but Ba’Gamnan! Vaan immediately demands the whereabouts of Penelo, but Ba’Gamnan actually managed to get one over on us, as trivial as that is: Penelo was never to be exchanged, and they shoved her out the door and sent her on her way as soon as they confirmed Balthier was heading into their trap.

So Penelo was held in a building in town, dragged (possibly manacled) through town into the closed mine's entrance, then set free there to wander about in a daze before the bangaa shadow us into the depths? Why would— oh, my nose is bleeding again.
So Penelo was held in a building in town, dragged (possibly manacled) through town into the closed mine's entrance, then set free there to wander about in a daze before the bangaa shadow us into the depths? Why would— oh, my nose is bleeding again.

Thinking quickly, Lamont flings the nethicite into Boba Fett’s face and gives the signal for “Cheese it!” The party scampers around the gaggle of reptilian Zenigatas and a truly Yakety Sax-worthy chase back through the mine ensues. Ba’Gamnan and his three cronies assail you continuously as you flee the mine just ahead of them. Lamont is no longer a party member, having at long last realized the quality of his companions. Running from the headhunters is actually not too difficult; they run at the same rate as you, but have to stop moving to attack or cast spells, so if you’re just fleeing, they can’t catch you for more than one or two hits. Once you near the exit of the mine, you have successfully lost them. Yes, lost them, on a completely linear path through the location they chose to ambush you. “Gabranth’s dark hand,” indeed.The bangaa are sort of working with the Imperials, and sort of not. They apparently report directly to a Judge Magister and the soldiers at the Aerodrome were tipped off that we would be arriving, but we already know Ba’Gamnan doesn’t want the Imperials to capture Balthier themselves and their entire ambush plan here in the mines seems to occur under Archadia’s nose without their awareness or aid.

It’s worth noting that you can totally just turn and fight the fearsome foursome, though it’s pretty tough if you haven’t been leveling significantly. The fight is over as soon as Ba’Gamnan falls, but he is, of course, the toughest of the group, and they support each other surprisingly well. If you do take out the bangaa, he runs off in a scaly huff vowing to get you and your little dog. It’s actually pretty funny if you manage to beat him, since you can then screw around farming monsters at your leisure… yet every time you enter a new area, Lamont will still be running for his life just ahead of you. What a card.

EDITOR'S NOTE: On reading Rocketeer's report that you can actually beat this guy, I spent a good 90 minutes in the mines, grinding out levels by killing the same skeletons over and over so I'd be strong enough to pull it off. ADDITIONAL NOTE: It wasn't worth it.
EDITOR'S NOTE: On reading Rocketeer's report that you can actually beat this guy, I spent a good 90 minutes in the mines, grinding out levels by killing the same skeletons over and over so I'd be strong enough to pull it off. ADDITIONAL NOTE: It wasn't worth it.

Well, did you like Ba’Gamnan and his crew? Think they were cool, interesting characters? Hell no? Well if you did, you’re shit out of luck: we never see them again as far as the main plot is concerned.Ba’Gamnan’s gang are the subject of a Clan subplot later; they lure hunters out to murder them, and eventually succeed in cornering your party only to be killed and their corpses tossed into the Sandsea. Naturally they show up in Revenant Wings as comic relief villains.

Once outside, Lamont runs smack into Ondore and the Judge, who have detained Penelo after she came running out of the mine. Lamont addresses the Judge as Ghis,pronounced “geese” and claims he was merely out for a stroll. Balthier, eavesdropping behind a wall with the party, identifies Lamont as none other than Larsa Ferrinas Solidor, brother of Vayne and youngest son of Emperor Gramis. Naturally, Balthier had recognized him from the start. You’d think he was keeping this knowledge in reserve to leverage it somehow later, as when he tried and failed to grill him about Draklor. But really you’d think it would just make traveling with him go from irresponsible to suicidally insane; who’s to say he won’t run into, say, high level Imperial military authority figures, who would immediately recognize him and become very curious about the ragtag group following him around? Doesn’t Larsa have good reason to turn them all in that very moment, considering that he may well know Basch’s identity, that Ba’Gamnan is almost certainly pursuing targets of the Archadian state, and was just moments ago pushed up against a wall by Balthier and sternly questioned about Archadian military secrets?

Nope! Nope nah-nope nope noooo, Larsa tells Ondore and Judge Ghis to chew his Imperial taint and takes Penelo by the hand, running off to play house (manse?) or whatever. You know what? Fuck it! I’ll take it! This is your chance, Penelo; your prospects just skyrocketed, girl, grab the reigns on that pony and never let go. Vaan will be fine; that Filo chick is probably DTF, and she’s got a hoverboard apparently.

<b>Basch:</b> ''My other identical brother Aloysius was dragged, disemboweled, and quartered in the streets of Rabanastre.''
Basch: ''My other identical brother Aloysius was dragged, disemboweled, and quartered in the streets of Rabanastre.''

What comes next is not quite so bearable. Yes, it’s time for what might be the game’s most infamous scene. Balthier and Basch have a quick revisiting of the idea that some people might be very unhappy to learn that Basch is alive and well, and that this might get the Marquis in a bit of hot water with the anti-Imperial groups he’s been not-so-secretly funneling money and magicite to. It would also draw a great deal of attention to Basch himself, and anyone he might be traveling with. It now becomes our objective to spread exactly this rumor, for exactly these purposes.

What.

I have watched this scene five fucking times trying to figure out this leap in logic, and I can’t even begin. I can’t come up with one single reason why this would appeal to us for even a second. If we want to get the Marquis in trouble, we can just tell everyone he fucks those cat guys on the sly. If we want to commit suicide, we can eat zombie flesh and jump over the side of the continent. And if we want anyone— anyone at all— to take our claims seriously, we would need proof. Luckily for that last point, we have the man himself, in the flesh! So it would be disingenuous to have anyone else out there making these claims. It would be downright counterproductive to have someone half Basch’s age to run around, not claiming Basch to be alive, but to claim to be the Captain, back from the dead. And not by submitting any kind of proof to anyone of import, but merely by running through the streets squawking these obvious falsehoods in the faces of inebriated townies?

Oh Jesus why, why does this turn out to be their plan? To go about the worst possible plan in the least effective way possible? To complement a plan that could kick off a war or an occupation, which in no way benefits us and may well lead to our arrest and execution, with a course of action which could never realistically bring about those ends? To pursue self-sabotage, via self-sabotage?

This fucking game. I swear. I swear to God.

It turns out that the point of telling everyone Vaan is a dead terrorist was to somehow get introduced to the aforementioned anti-Imperial elements, and through them to be introduced to the Marquis. Why yes, this is like a 19 year old running through the streets of London claiming to be Lee Harvey Oswald, to meet with MI-6, to set up a meeting with the Queen. Naturally, this works immediately and perfectly. Rather than having a bag slipped over his head, a knife stuck between his ribs a dozen times, and a lovely trip over the side of the continent to the sea, some burly men escort Vaan to the backroom of a bar and ask just what the fuck he thinks he’s doing. Luckily for Vaan, these insurgents are even more incompetent than our own party, and Balthier and Basch follow in right behind them,The extraordinary ease with which anyone can shadow anyone else into any location has been demonstrated relentlessly by this game, and baby we aren’t done yet! mocking how lame it is to run an insurgence out of the backroom of a pub. Don’t knock it, bro, it worked in Ace Combat 04.

The insurgents warm right up to the real Captain Basch, accepting his story at once. Is it FFXII canon that Vayne’s conspiracy is as preposterous as I made it out to be, and all anyone needs to realize this is for it to be pointed out to them once? Oh well. As it turns out, one of the participants in this cute little private club is Ondore’s orange cat-man adviser! I call him Curly. Curly says he’ll run right off and set up a meeting with his Excellency.

This scene is intercut with another, in which Penelo hangs out with Larsa in his office. Amazingly, it isn’t until this scene that Larsa actually introduces himself to her. This scene is almost sort of comical, with Larsa telling Penelo how great and super-trustworthy his big brother Vayne is and how awesome things will be in Dalmasca now that he’s in charge, while Penelo tries to break it to him as gently as possible that the Empire has been rather unkind to Dalmasca in recent years, and trusting the Empire might not be the easiest or smartest thing to do for someone in her position. I make fun, but I like this scene; it establishes Larsa as honorable but eminently naïve about his country, contrasting his uncomplicated optimism to someone who has suffered her entire young life at the hands of the Empire he’s talking up.

<b>Larsa:</b> ''Did you lose your legs? Is that why you have robot legs?''
Larsa: ''Did you lose your legs? Is that why you have robot legs?''

It also establishes how much Larsa looks up to his brother, who truly is a charismatic and capable statesman, and his belief in the responsibility inherent in wielding power. More and more, this will emerge as one of the game’s central ideas.

The party makes their way to the home of His Excellency the Marquis. Once inside, Basch and the party meet with Ondore himself. Basch and Ondore seem to think that leaving Basch alive was a measure to try and hold the Marquis in check, the idea being that if Basch’s survival came to light, Ondore’s announcement of his execution after Nalbina would make him seem like an Imperial collaborator and damage his position with his anti-Imperial allies.He also relates, after Vaan butts in, that Larsa (with Penelo) has already rejoined the Imperial Fleet. Ondore makes a priceless “who the fuck is this kid” face when he says it, too.

But how is this supposed to work in practice? Word gets out that the Empire totally staged the assassination of Raminas and subjugated Dalmasca under those pretenses, and then they yell, “Yeah! We’re all total bastards, and Ondore was our friend! So no one hang out with that guy!” All Ondore has to say is, “I had no idea, I really thought the chump was dead,” and then it’s just the word of the Empire that everyone already hated against the word of the guy funneling money, magicite, and airships their way to fight the Empire in the first place.

Ondore isn’t willing to take that chance, though, and after turning down Basch’s plea to help him rescue Amalia for the resistance, he makes clear his intention to hand Basch back over to Archadia to keep in their good graces. Curly opens the doors to the hall, and stormtroopers flood in to capture the party.

Cut to the city of Archadia, where Lord Vayne and Judge Gabranth are having a nice chat. The Empire is wise to Ondore’s scheming, knowing that the insurgency in Bhujerba is too well-supplied for the Marquis himself not to be involved. Gabranth recommends action, but Vayne punts, diverting the subject. Ondore has just happened to send him a letter: the Marquis has captured Basch and handed him over to Judge Ghis. Gabranth sets out without pause to execute his brother once and for all.

It was an odd choice to have the studio audience hoot and cheer when this guy walked through the door, but I think it really works.
It was an odd choice to have the studio audience hoot and cheer when this guy walked through the door, but I think it really works.

On the way out, he passes Doctor Cid, of the Empire’s Draklor Laboratory, babbling foreshadowing to himself like a fucking lunatic as he enters. Cid and Vayne exchange pleasant greetings, but the scene fades to black, and the audience is not privy to their discussion…

The Travelog continues next week.

 

Footnotes:

[1] Also coincidentally, there are two Hunts to be done in the mines, but neither can be started on the first go-round due to the roadblocks preventing you from flagging them. Uuuurrrrghgh!

[2] Ondore narrated the opening exposition, which is styled as an excerpt from his memoirs. This is a nod to Final Fantasy Tactics, which is styled as a history written by in-game character Orran Durai, retold by his descendant Arazlam. Durai was burned at the stake for heresy! :)

[3] The gold doesn’t show very well in this lighting, but trust me: this guy is blinged out.

[4] What he actually came here to check is never made clear; rather, the scene exists to introduce the nethicite, naturally.

[5] The bangaa are sort of working with the Imperials, and sort of not. They apparently report directly to a Judge Magister and the soldiers at the Aerodrome were tipped off that we would be arriving, but we already know Ba’Gamnan doesn’t want the Imperials to capture Balthier themselves and their entire ambush plan here in the mines seems to occur under Archadia’s nose without their awareness or aid.

[6] Ba’Gamnan’s gang are the subject of a Clan subplot later; they lure hunters out to murder them, and eventually succeed in cornering your party only to be killed and their corpses tossed into the Sandsea. Naturally they show up in Revenant Wings as comic relief villains.

[7] pronounced “geese”

[8] The extraordinary ease with which anyone can shadow anyone else into any location has been demonstrated relentlessly by this game, and baby we aren’t done yet!

[9] He also relates, after Vaan butts in, that Larsa (with Penelo) has already rejoined the Imperial Fleet. Ondore makes a priceless “who the fuck is this kid” face when he says it, too.



From The Archives:
 

87 thoughts on “A Travelog of Ivalice, Part 4: Point Me at the Sky

  1. Syal says:

    …so… I THINK the idea… is… that…

    …so people knowing Basch being alive would hurt Ondore’s reputation (for some reason). And taking action to hurt his reputation would obviously draw his attention. But because he’s a rebel ally, they don’t actually want to hurt his reputation. So instead of having Basch announce himself, which would be believable and do damage to Ondore’s reputation, they instead have Vaan, the too-young-by-far kid, announce himself as Basch; the rumor springs up long enough to get to Ondore, but dies off as it goes because Vaan is clearly not Basch. So, attention gained, reputation preserved. Go us.

    …except they specifically say it would hurt Ondore’s reputation with the resistance forces, and Basch personally announces himself to the resistance forces. So, reputation preserved everywhere except the one place it matters.

    Also it seems infinitely easier to tell the gate guard “Hey, I’ve got Basch-related news for Ondore only. You know, Basch, the guy the Imperials are currently combing your city to find. He’ll want to hear this.” And then you wait like thirty seconds and go have your meeting with Ondore.

    1. ContribuTor says:

      I think the hardest thing to mentally unravel is what BASCH’s reputation generally is, before we can consider how it would reflect on Ondore.

      What, as far as we know, the resistance knows about Basch: Basch was a war hero (yay! hero!) who decided to kill the king (boo! traitor!) for the crime of trying to surrender to the empire (yay! hero!). As a result of his actions, the empire still takes over and everything is worse than it would have been otherwise (boo! traitor!).

      What ought Basch’s reputation be to the resistence? Is he a villain that made the occupation worse, or a hero that tried to stand up for freedom?

      If we assume the correct answer is “Basch is widely regarded as a henchman for the empire!”, then Ondore’s should be revered as a yay hero by the resistance for announcing that Basch (boo! traitor!) was killed. However, that in theory should make him a boo traitor to the empire, since Basch was apparently a yay hero to the empire for doing their dirty work for them.

      In this case, announcing Basch is still alive would in theory hurt his reputation with the resistance, but only because they think Basch is a boo traitor. However, Basch’s continued survival is proof of the switcheroo, and therefore Basch was NOT a boo traitor but instead a yay hero! Ondore would be a hero who not only proved the empire’s trick but also restored a yay hero to freedom. It would hurt his reputation with the empire, because a useful fiction to them (Basch is boo traitor) would be shattered.

      If, on the other hand, we assume that the switcheroo is widely known (at least among the resistance), and everyone knows Basch is a yay hero, but they also believe Basch is dead, then Ondore should CURRENTLY be considered a boo traitor by the resistance – he was involved in killing Basch a yay hero on false charges (which should also make Ondore a yay hero to the empire). In this case, announcing “Actually, I lied – Basch (yay! hero!) isn’t dead!” would substantially help his reputation with the resistance. In theory, it would hurt his reputation with the empire, but only because their secret is revealed – they obviously know Basch is alive.

      In the final possibility, not only is the switcheroo widely known, but ALSO the fact that Basch is alive is known. In this case, it couldn’t possibly matter to the resistance what the Marquis publicly announced was – the resistance knows he’s not dead. Announcing that Basch (yay! hero!) is alive could only help Ondore, since he’d be giving the resistance a freed yay hero who could be a great symbol for imperial treachery. Revealing Basch is alive would clearly hurt him with the empire, who benefits from the useful illusion that Basch was both a boo traitor and also dead.

      1. Syal says:

        And then on top of that you remember that Bhujerba is not part of Dalmasca, and is officially neutral in the war, and now you have to figure out why Ondore was in a position to confirm Basch’s execution and Ashe’s suicide at all.

        …of course now I’m curious what the reputation of real-life assassins of surrendering kings normally is, but I can’t think of any. They usually don’t pull it off.

      2. Joshua says:

        That sounds like a lot of double negatives.

        1. ContribuTor says:

          Are you positive?

          1. BlueHorus says:

            He’s not not positive…

  2. bobbert says:

    Also, Marquis is consistently and infuriating mispronounced.

    1. BlueHorus says:

      Surely it’s Mar-que-iss?

      ;)

    2. MilesDryden says:

      I thought so too, but it turns out that “MAH-kwiss” actually is the correct pronunciation in British English. The More You Know.

      1. Henson says:

        These are also the same people who pronounce the “L”s in ‘Guillotine’.

        1. kincajou says:

          They can go into the circle of hell next to those that pronunce “Niche” (rhymes with quiche) as “Nitch” (rhymes with snitch)

          1. PowerGrout says:

            I’ll see you that and I’ll raise you ‘Neetch’

            It sure is a cruel universe alright

      2. ContribuTor says:

        Yes and no.

        Marquis is not an english word. The proper word in English for the equivalent rank is marquess, which has the pronunciation you indicate.

        If we’re going full Elizabethan english, they’re not just pronouncing it wrong but also spelling it wrong.

        On the other hand, if we assume the spelling is intentional, then they’ve chosen to inject a foreign word for a title of rank, which is maybe fine. Heck, the world can be a big place, and if the title is a foreign one maybe it uses a foreign word, in which case a foreign pronunciation would be not just acceptable but arguably more appropriate.

        That said, I doubt very much this is intentional given how hard they try to be accurate to a specific form and style of English being the common language.

        1. Chad Miller says:

          “Marquis” pronounced mar-kwiss was an accepted spelling and pronunciation according to dictionaries before the game came out.

          But it’s certainly weird enough that I’ve never met anyone who didn’t raise an eyebrow at it.

          1. Thomas says:

            Saying that I’m more used to ‘Marquee’ being a large white tent, so it was going to sound odd either way.

  3. Joshua says:

    No sooner do they step outside and mention their destination than a young, well-dressed boy waltzes over and asks to tag along.

    Because extremely clunky insertions of new characters has never stopped the series before.

    1. BlueHorus says:

      Thing is, while I haven’t played them all, letting a random stranger join the party isn’t usually such an obviously terrible idea as it seems here.

      In other Final Fantasy games, the party are usually on some quest that most reasonable people would either support, or have no issue with.
      “Hey, you’re fighting the evil empire? I hate those guys too, let me join!”
      “Hey, you’re SEEDs on a mission? I’m also a SEED! Let’s join up!”
      “You’re trying to save the world? Wait, I live there! Let me help you out!”

      But here you’ve got a notorious figure (Basch) in the party, are in an occupied city, and the party are just about to meet some mercenaries who are capable of kidnapping hostages.
      When the mysterious kid runs up and wants to join you, it’s not just weird that they’d let him, it’s downright stupid. to say yes.
      I can’t think of a similar situation in previous games where it’s so obviously a bad idea to let this person join.
      (well, it’s been a long time, but maybe Cait Sith in FFVII* would count?)

      (*Sorry, FFIIIX)

      1. ContribuTor says:

        Handled slightly differently, it could not just be somewhat reasonable, but almost a trope – the plucky street urchin who knows all the secret passages and hiding places ’round these parts. Could even fix some plot holes – there was a well-prepared and inescapable trap set up, and you ruined it by coming in the side door!

      2. Chad Miller says:

        And Cait Sith was even lampshaded, with dialogue outright saying “I’m joining your party whether you like it or not”

        1. I’m very suspicious this was a Masato Kato idea. Square followed a stone soup method of writing at the time, which is why all of their games for a few years were total clusterfucks that succeeded or failed largely by fluke, so it’s hard to tell barring specific anecdotes from the games’ creation. But if you recall, Cait Sith more or less ends the conversation by walking onto Cloud and disappearing, just like the party always does when they form up, while Cloud protests impotently. Which is solving a diegetic problem of character with a non-diegetic abstraction of reality. It’s like, “The laws of our fictitious reality have spoken, the matter is tabled, good DAY sir.” I hope I’m remembering this correctly, as I can’t find the interview right now, but I think either Yoshinori Kitase or Hiroyuki Itou were telling tales out of school about the game’s development and mentioned a couple of Kato’s stranger ideas, which were rejected. One of these was suspiciously similar to the Cait Sith gag: very early in the game, the three minor AVALANCHE characters Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie would observe Cloud, Barret, and Tifa form up on each other this way, look at each other and attempt to do the same only to bonk into each other and fall down, confused why it doesn’t work for them.

          1. Smith says:

            It’s like, “The laws of our fictitious reality have spoken, the matter is tabled, good DAY sir.”

            I don’t think the experience could be as funny as the mental image you just gave me.

            1. Volvagia says:

              Insert Willy Wonka meme here.

      3. ElementalAlchemist says:

        In Cait Sith’s case at least it’s kind of a deliberate wink to the audience that this guy is not to be trusted. Also the party doesn’t exactly “let” him join. He barges in with no refusal accepted.

      4. Joshua says:

        I’ve not clarified, but my points about saying that the series has done bad stuff like this before isn’t to say the earlier stuff is as bad as what’s being done here, but just to state that they’ve made a habit of riding that line of gonzo, nonsensical writing, and it always seemed to work out for them. Until the point where they kept returning to that same well again and again, getting sloppier each time, to finally come to this point where people are finally saying “Wait a minute, this crap doesn’t make any sense!”.

  4. BlueHorus says:

    This plot makes me laugh out loud. Rocketeers’ summary is good, but I think there’s some kind of magic in the story itself.

    – At first it’s confusion: “What are they doing? Why did that happen? Who’s trying to achieve what here?”
    – Then you stop and think about what they’re doing, and it just adds to the madness: “But that won’t help! Why did they pick THAT plan, how is that going to get them what they want? Hang on, whaddya mean it WORKED?!”
    – Then third thoughts pile in: “Wait, why’s he even still here?! He should be dead! So should she! And now she’s there, with him? Why would he – ARRRGH…”

    It’s like a nonsense onion, layers upon layers of contradictory trash that all thwart each other. Everytime you get close to thinking up a way to make sense of it, the next layer down destroys what sense you’ve made.

    Seriously, guys. “There’s an evil wizard, called X-Death, who wants to destroy the magic crystals. The good guys want to stop him, because the crystals kind of power the world and it will end if they’re all destroyed.”
    Done.
    Is it an amazing plot? No. Cheesy? Yes. Cliche’d? You bet!

    But! You always know who’s doing what, and why, and it keeps moving along at a decent pace and you’re always going to new, interesting places.

    1. Fred Starks says:

      “Nonsense onion” is a good phrase. I’m gonna have to use that myself sometime.

  5. Retsam says:

    If you’re reading the “I’m Captain Basch Fon Ronsenburg of Dalmasca” stuff and thinking “wow, that’s a stupid cutscene”, you’re wrong.

    The travelog doesn’t make this clear but it’s actually a whole mini-game: you actually run around the city and actually “Press Square to Testify” to shout the three same phrases at random passersby and watch the “notoriety” percentage tick up a depressing few percentage (and then immediately begin to decay back down). If you happen to shout in earshot of a guard, you’ll lose a ton of percentage. Eventually you’ll realize that the common-folk don’t really matter and there’s a few informants that boost the notoriety by a ton so you really just need to run up and shout in their ears.

    I get that gameplay concerns sometimes drives story decisions, so I imagine that’s the real reason why Vaan does this instead of Basche himself, but… this isn’t even good gameplay. It honestly seems like the one ‘minigame’ mechanic they made for this game is making a percentage bar go up and down, so they stick it in as many places as they can: (so far, this, the “charging the sunstone” and the “keeping the lights on in the mines” all used the same percentage bar system – and they all feel pretty superfluous).

    But this is all a side issue. My only real complaint is that the don’t get to keep the “Press Square to Yell at random passersby” ability for the rest of the game. If you’re going to implement a mechanic for harassing random NPCs, let me keep it, you cowards!

    1. ContribuTor says:

      But that..um…but….what?

      That sounds like a terrible Assassins Creed story mission.

      The above is not a compliment.

      1. bobbert says:

        He isn’t joking. It is this game’s mini-game. Though, on the bright side, it isn’t butterfly catching.

    2. tremor3258 says:

      Thank you because this somehow puts the whole thing over the top.

      It wasn’t enough it was nonsensical, but making it a nonsensical minigame is the nonsense onion on the crazy cake.

      1. EOW says:

        it’s not even like FF12 is a short game.
        I can see them making vaan say it because vaan is the player character in towns, but genuinely speaking they could’ve just made it a cutscene.
        Instead they devolved development time to a “tell random people something” that would account for what and how many npcs are within earshot and created a dumb as fuck plotpoint for the sake of… a minigame where ultimately you’re just look for certain npcs and press a button.

        at least butterfly catching was side content and isn’t something you’re supposed to really think about

    3. kincajou says:

      So what you’re saying is you want a “jehova’s witness” mechanic in all your (j)RPGs?

      I…I don’t know how i feel about that

  6. Dreadjaws says:

    Yeah, as dumb as all of this sounds, you’re going to have to work hard to convince me it’s dumber than the “Let’s do exactly what the villain tells us he wants us to do with no backup plan and hope it somehow works in our favor” plot from FFXIII. Shit, it’s like I cannot even go one entry in this series without complaining about that game but trust me: it’s even dumber than I’m making it sound.

    1. Mye says:

      At least 13 put that stupidity at the very end, 12 front load al its dumb plot at the start.

      1. Dreadjaws says:

        What? Haha, no. The entire game is a preposterous mishmash of utter idiocy from the very beginning. Sure, the end of the game is so irritatingly dumb that the rest looks brilliant in comparison (kinda like Mass Effect 3), but that doesn’t mean the rest isn’t stupid.

        1. Mye says:

          Oh I meant specifically the part where they do exactly what the villain want. The start of the game is also quite stupid, but they bombard you with random name and everything is super vague so the player might think it’ll make sense eventually (it never does but they don’t know that yet).

    2. Joshua says:

      How about the Hostage for McGuffin plan to make a trade with the evil villain when we know he’ll be using the McGuffin for very bad things, and what’s worse, the main characters take no steps to ensure they get their hostage back before making the trade?

      Because “Good is dumb” indeed.

    3. BlueHorus says:

      You know what? I challenge you to continue bringing FFXIII up. Every single article.

      Whatever Rocketeer or Shamus have to say about XII, somehow find a way to compare it to XIII. Make the connections as tenuous and ridiculous as possible, really drag it out.
      I’m talking stuff like “Did he say Lucy? that sounds like L’Cie! It was so dumb in XIII that…”.

      See how long you can keep it going.

  7. Mr. Wolf says:

    “If we want to get the Marquis in trouble, we can just tell everyone he fucks those cat guys on the sly.”

    Is that even a problem in this universe? I can never keep track of what’s socially acceptable in these fantasy worlds.

    1. ContribuTor says:

      I mean, the orange one, yeah sure. I mean, we’ve all been there and had that fantasy at one point or another. There are even progressive clubs in Rabanastre where you can go to watch that sort of thing, and it’s not even illegal.

      But, um, did you not see that one of them is BLUE??? That’s an absolute crime against nature.

    2. In Bhujerba at least, it would be seen as intensely disrespectful of his late wife’s memory.

      She was a St. Bernard.

      1. Mr. Wolf says:

        I can respect that. I thought it was going to be something absolutely scandalous, like that time the POTUS had sex with a woman. Oh boy, did that freak everybody out.

    3. EOW says:

      usually in fictional settings i go by the harkness test to gauge if something would be bestiality or not

  8. ContribuTor says:

    Evil Cid is kind of a dic.

    1. bobbert says:

      Weren’t most of the Cids evil or at least have dirty hands?

      1. Mye says:

        FF game tend to view technology as kinda evil so most Cid, being the technology guy, are usually tainted by it (covered later in the travelogue iirc). Although 12 is the only one where he’s flat out evil. 10 kinda flip the idea of technology evil on its head and so Cid is pure good in it (if you take the game view that the AL Bhed are good people that are oppressed and not dick who deserves what they’re getting).

        1. rho says:

          In 7, CID is grumpy but heroic. And also everyone forgets he was even in 7.

          1. Mye says:

            7 Cid worked for Shinra and was okay with their crazy plan to destroy the comet just so he’d be able to go to space. 8 Cid is also mostly good but he helped the weird fish person that run the garden and hide the fact the using summon kill people memory. 9 Cid was a womanizer who cheated on his wife (but overall a good guy). Can’t really remember much about 15 but I think he was just good in that one.

            1. bobbert says:

              Raincoat-Cid ran the Empire’s Esper concentration camp

            2. Chad Miller says:

              Since Cid traditionally works with the player’s vehicle, XV Cid is an auto mechanic. It’s not surprising you don’t remember that well because his garage put far more focus on his granddaughter

              II and III Cid were generally just heroic characters as was generally the case in the NES games (which were just bog-standard simple adventure stories)

              IV’s Cid worked for Baron at first but was never really presented as villainous because of the whole King Baron was good but replaced by an evil monster just before the events of the game thing. V was also straightforwardly a good guy. VI’s was a researcher for the empire and fell under the “decent person enabling the bad people” category.

              And just for completeness, XIII’s Cid works for the villain’s military but you find out he’s running a resistance movement before it transpires that he’s actually a double agent but then he has a change of heart and decides to kill you to stop the villain’s plans, until you kill him after which he shows up later having given up on life and he ends up cooperating with the villains by letting himself get killed by someone else. I’d probably spoiler tag something if I thought anyone would remember any of that.

              1. Sartharina says:

                XIV’s Cid is a defector from the Evil Empire, and son of it’s chief engineer who nearly destroyed the world, and surrogate son of the guy trying to take over the world. But he’s presented as completely virtuous – even as a member of the Empire, he wanted to build technology for peace and prosperity instead of destruction and subjugation.

                His surname is also the same as the villain from FF1.

          2. The+Puzzler says:

            As someone who didn’t play the later games, I remember Cid from 7, and am confused as to why there are other Cids in later games. I guess it’s a Spider-verse type thing where he’s always getting rebooted?

            1. Syal says:

              Cid has been The Airship Guy ever since Final Fantasy 2. He’s as old as Chocobos. Older than Eidolons.

            2. Chad Miller says:

              Yes, Final Fantasy is full of things like that, series-wide. The most famous of those are the summoned monsters (Bahamut goes all the way back to the very first game!), but Cid being a major NPC is also a longstanding series tradition.

              Remakes, spinoffs, and sequels have hinted at actual continuity there but this is generally poorly received.

              1. Thomas says:

                Cid, chocobos and summons are nice continuations.

                But it grinds me that ‘crystals’ are part of the set too. The whole idea of ‘crystals’ being special feels like something the world left behind decades ago. And they’re the ultimate McGuffin, pretty much guaranteed to be generic objects being chased with some confusing/lame and not very convincing explanation of what they do.

                Maybe it’s just because X was my first and X didn’t have crystals (or VII?) but I’ve resented them as plot elements in XII, XIII and XV.

                1. pdk1359 says:

                  So, generally I’m fine with the elemental crystals (earth crystal, wind crystal, etc, occasionally in light and dark variants) being fundamental pillars of reality. But from six onward it was just *nonsensical hippy voice* “Crystals, maaaaan~”.
                  It’s kinda weird, and not in a good or useful way.

                2. bobbert says:

                  FFI had no crystals; it had orbs instead.

                  1. Syal says:

                    They’re crystals in the Japanese version. They got orbed in translation.

                    1. modus0 says:

                      Perhaps we should consider these o?r?b?s? crystals further?

                    2. bobbert says:

                      Really? They are drawn into the UI. That seems like a lot of work to change for the US version.

                    3. Syal says:

                      Well, they’re still orbs. But the orbs are called Crystals.

                    4. bobbert says:

                      Well, that was substantially weirder than I expected.

                      I wonder if FFX’s many, many orbs were also crystals in Japan.

                3. Joshua says:

                  VI was the game where there’s no crystals, or anything like them. I don’t *think* any games after VI used them either. I guess they realized that while a lot of the other plot elements they like to recycle in these games could be used to tell many different stories, having the elemental crystals severely limited their options.

      2. John says:

        Cid in Tactics Advance is a decent guy. He starts the game working for an eldritch entity that’s brainwashed him into thinking it’s his late wife, but when presented with evidence of that fact he switches sides and generally behaves in a helpful and reasonable manner. In the optional post-game content, he spends his time campaigning against judicial corruption–assuming, of course, that the optional post-game content actually happened. I for one don’t see how it could have, but I suppose it still speaks to Cid’s character.

        1. Gautsu says:

          None can compare to T.G. Cid in Tactics though. Possibly the best character in the game (power-wise)

          1. Mye says:

            Possibly? Orlandeau is so ridiculously OP you can pretty much solo the game with him once you get him. I love FFT but it clearly didn’t care about balance so I kinda like that at the end they just went “fuck it” and just gave you this ridiculously strong character.

            It’s also one of the few case where a character that’s hyped up as being an amazing badass in the story (literally called the sword saint) actually turn out to be really strong in game once you recruit him.

            1. The Nick says:

              Two things:

              1) his sword Excalibur hastes the wielder, and is a powerful sword on its own. It contributes a lot of power to him or another person if you make the weird choice of sharing his sword around.

              2) The little encyclopedia feature in FFT has a lot of references where it’ll say something like, “The Hokuten Knights defeated at the Battle of ,” or, “The Nanten Knights won at the Battle of ,” or, “, leading the , won the Battle of .”

              But the first reference for T.G. Cid says, “T.G. Cid defeated at the Battle of Something Pass.”

              And I thought that strange. I thought the translator must have forgotten to identify which army T.G. Cid was leading.

              Then I rescued him and saw how powerful he was.

              *So no. No. No, he just single-handedly went out there and wiped out 200+ men all by himself for his country.*

  9. FluffySquirrel says:

    Can’t believe you made me go check to confirm Penelo didn’t in fact have robot legs

  10. bobbert says:

    The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of a Penelo as Esther subplot.

    That’s consistently the worst thing about this game. It lays the groundwork for interesting stories. Then, at the last possible minute, it pulls out and does something stupid instead.

  11. Tohron says:

    “…To pursue self-sabotage, via self-sabotage?”

    Well, you see, they’re actually just self aware. They know they’re not smart enough to execute a good plan competently, so they hope that if they execute a terrible plan, incompetently, the double negative will cancel out.

  12. Rho says:

    There are all the weird logical problems with this phase of the plot. However, leaving aside that this is emphatically not a good story, it’s also told very badly.

    First, Marquis Ondore isbarely character. His loyalties, motives, goals and personality are all so vague that he becomes utterly inscrutable, but for some bizarre reason he’s also chosen as the narrator. This *might* have been a clever storytelling decision if the writers had used this to fill in the blanks. We, the audience, could get needed exposition and clarification in a satisfying way without the characters being told. This does not happen, and frankly Ondore is basically irrelevant for the rest of the game. Actually the only event of real significance is that Larsa is going to troll people with a present for Penelo; IIRC everything else from this is just dropped.

    What’s so oddball about all this is that we’re getting a complex political saga from people don’t don’t seem to understand politics at all. They way overplay really simple things and fail to explain what key people even desire.

  13. RFS-81 says:

    Cat people? They look like fuzzy goblins to me.

    1. Henson says:

      I think they’re Zorn and Thorn on steroids.

      1. RFS-81 says:

        Zorn and Thorn on steroids they are, I think.

  14. Brendan says:

    In footnote 3, “this guy is blinged out,” the link isn’t working. I’m guessing you tried hotlinking directly to a wikia.

    1. I did, but I’m aware of the pitfalls of doing that and when I tested it both logged in and logged out it seemed to work, at least for a while. I’ll take a look when I have a chance and see what I can do.

      1. Shamus says:

        Looks like there was an extra slash at the end of the URL. I removed it, and the link seems to work now.

  15. Brandon says:

    Gotta say I’m really invested in these recaps, but I cannot follow all the names and places being thrown at me. What a complete mess of a story.

    1. I continue to express my deep sympathy and compunction to the many readers overwhelmed by the game’s copious clown car cast, and I don’t know what to tell you except that it’s going to keep getting worse. We have MANY more characters to introduce, sometimes several at once, and the globetrotting has not yet even begun in earnest. And we’ve yet to see any of the game’s named airships, the respective fleets and commanders of which the audience is expected to understand.

      The real tragedy of people getting caught in the bramble patch of details was articulated briefly but well by Shamus a week or two past: once you finally know the entire game, and all the characters and all their motivations and their circuitous plotting and all of the things shown or implied to have happened offscreen or before the game… in short, once you graduate Ivalice U, it still doesn’t make any sense! It’s an obfuscation of bullshit! Which is what I’ve been trying to relate from the start, but it hasn’t saved people from falling into the morass themselves or, God help us, actually playing the game themselves, or at least feeling the urge to do so.

      1. Fizban says:

        I had been waffling but decided to go ahead and read the series, and as such will not be trying the game myself. So that’s at least one saved!

        1. ElementalAlchemist says:

          I kind of got a little curious when Shamus first announced the series was coming, since I’d have never played past FF9. But after the first article I quickly put to bed any further thoughts of picking the game up myself.

      2. fumble says:

        This has got me replaying the game. I love it. The story is whatever, I can just ignore it at this point. Just something about the battle system and the gambits that just clicks with me. I would love a new game like this.

  16. Ander says:

    My exposure in person to this game was watching my cousin playing bits of it years ago when I was a kid, and I will not be convinced it is not literally magical. This is, to be sure, entirely based on the art, but man does the art pull its weight and then some.

    1. BlueHorus says:

      there’s definitely some magic involved. Otherwise, how do those costumes stay on characters?

  17. Syal says:

    So for some reason it didn’t really strike me until today; in Star Wars terms, Ondore is obviously our Lando, but Bhujerba is also literally a Cloud City. And the escape sequence is almost shot-for-shot the Cloud City prison break from Empire Strikes Back. Like, a lot of the Star Wars references are more of a vague Hero’s Journey thing. But this Ondore betrayal portion is all-in, unambiguously, deliberately Star Wars.

Thanks for joining the discussion. Be nice, don't post angry, and enjoy yourself. This is supposed to be fun. Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked*

You can enclose spoilers in <strike> tags like so:
<strike>Darth Vader is Luke's father!</strike>

You can make things italics like this:
Can you imagine having Darth Vader as your <i>father</i>?

You can make things bold like this:
I'm <b>very</b> glad Darth Vader isn't my father.

You can make links like this:
I'm reading about <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darth_Vader">Darth Vader</a> on Wikipedia!

You can quote someone like this:
Darth Vader said <blockquote>Luke, I am your father.</blockquote>

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.