Seanbaby vs Uwe Boll

By Shamus
on Oct 26, 2006
Filed under:
Nerd Culture

Normally I start these little posts off with a description of who I’m talking about. So, if I’m worried that you may not know who Seanbaby is then I will explain that Seanbaby is the inventor of funny and winner of the Nobel Prize for Awesome.

The problem is that I have no way of explaining Uwe Boll to someone. He’s so reviled and so universally hated that all of the insults in every language have already been used in an attempt to describe him. Then people used up all the compliments by preceding them with the word “not”. So, there is no language left at this point and the only way I could tell you about him is if I made up new words:

Snivelium [sniv‧el‧ee‧um] – noun

Unit of measure. The number of cubic meters of children’s tears caused by one of Uwe Boll’s movies.

People call Ewe Ball a “filmmaker”, but this is because – as I mentioned before – nobody knows what else to call him. Hugh Bowl makes movies in the same way that a hippo’s rectum makes fresh pastry. The best thing that can be said about him is that he provides work to actors who lack the dramatic skills to get a job making hard-core pornographic silent films. He’s famous for taking very stupid videogames and – against all odds and nature – somehow making them into even more stupid movies.

I heard a rumor that Eww Bowel was going to have some sort of celebrity boxing match against his critics, which didn’t make a lot of sense to me because that would be everyone on earth, including his own mother. While I’m pretty sure he could take her, it doesn’t seem like it would make for good television. Then he found out he might end up in the ring against Seanbaby, and once he’d changed his pants he announced he wouldn’t be available for the fight.

Although now that I think of it: If someone could make a videogame about Seanbaby punching Yoo Bole in the face over and over again, it might be enough to trick him into making a movie about it, which may lead to the real thing. However, it would be very risky to make such a game. The game would probably sell so well that the author would be fatally crushed beneath a mountain of cash and cheerleaders.

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1818 comments. (18 is the only non-zero number that equals twice the sum of its decimal digits.)

From the Archives:

  1. Boll Fighting…

    In snivelium, you’ve come up with one of the most incomprehensibly huge units of measurement I’ve ever heard of. And your Boll-Fighting video game would indeed be the most popular game in history. I know I’d probably quit my job to play it round t…

  2. Alex says:

    You can see him fighting Something Awful’s Lowtax if you look hard enough. Uwe Boll don’t play fair; he goes in for the kill.

  3. Cineris says:

    Wow. Seanbaby, it’s been quite a few years since I heard about him, and then two references to him within a week. Seanbaby against Yuegh would’ve been epic.

    • M- THE CHEDDAR KNIGHT says:

      Last I heard, he was a columnist at Cracked.com. I saw the name, and clicked on this article.

  4. BeckoningChasm says:

    You wouldn’t need a boxing ring, Seanbaby would crush Uwe with his mind alone.

  5. Galactus says:

    just for info: uwe doesn’t make film he helps greedy capitalists to avoid taxes. In germany each euros spent in the art domain grants a bonus to your taxes. Uwe knows that gather money > spend it > avoid taxes .

  6. hank says:

    I suspect that the game truly does suck. But your insistence on using immature names to refer to the director seems to say more about you than it does about the director. From other sources I am inclined to believe that Uwe Boll is aiming for the least common denominator, but from your description I am inclined to give him a chance due to the possibility that you are biased. A more equivocal review that pays more attention to the actual faults of the game than to the stereotypical aspects of the game migh be more convincing than your review; as it stands I am left wondering if it is the game or your perception of the game that is lacking.

  7. Mr. Blue says:

    He doesn’t make videogames- Ewwwe makes senseless movie versions of videogames. Movies that suck. Think Ed Wood without the talent or the ability to pick a cast.

  8. Shamus says:

    hank…

    If you’re curious: See Alone in the Dark. Reviews that detail his film’s shortcomings have been done. I really doubt I could add much.

    “immature names” – I wasn’t exactly aiming for publication in The New Yorker.

  9. Shamus says:

    “In snivelium, you’ve come up with one of the most incomprehensibly huge units of measurement I’ve ever heard of.”

    I think the Space Shuttle uses about 0.13 snivelium of fuel during launch.

  10. Bogan the Mighty says:

    Uh Hank first off Shamus wasn’t reviewing any movies or video games as you seem to think. Not too mention it is also a blog so he really is allowed to be as biased as he wants, but when the vast majority say Boll’s movies are just terrible you can just say they suck without having to explain yourself because everyone knows better or at least should.

  11. Mr. Blue says:

    No, we should allow Hank the opportunity to enjoy one of Mr. Boll’s films. Really, just watch one dude.

    Mwaa ha ha ha ha ha (send him the movie, Frank).

  12. Shamus says:

    Mwaa ha ha ha ha ha (send him the movie, Frank).

    Ha!

    I wonder: Are his films too bad for MST3K? That would be quite a challenge.

    • Desgardes says:

      I’ve tried this. It was actually too painful. I couldn’t finish Alone in the Dark the first time, so I went back to easy course with Bloodrayne. I actually got disgusted with myself about the time the fat vampire got his hands on Rayne. There isn’t any sport in it, there is no room to be clever, and really the only thing to gibe on was to draw comparisons between this and Billy Zane in Demon Knight, the best Tales from the Crypt ever!

  13. […] When Shamus made a post yesterday about Seanbaby scaring Dr. Uwe Boll into submission using only the power of his mind, I was reminded of something I had seen on YTMND a few months ago: Challenge to Uwe Boll: You would think a man who constantly defends his “love” for videogames and his wishes to recreate our favorite videogames as films would choose a better medium to settle the score [than fisticuffs]. Like Street Fighter or Fight Night. […]

  14. Otters34 says:

    Albert Walker, of the AgonyBooth, doesn’t hate him, though he doesn’t play computer games either, if I remember right.

  15. DrunkenPrayer says:

    How in the world he ever got Ben Kingsley and Michael Madsen to star in Blood Rayne I will never know. I guess it just shows that even A grade actors need to make rent once in a while.

    • Desgardes says:

      As for Ben Kingsley, he’s said in interviews it was a guilty pleasure for him, because he always wanted to play a rip-roaring, blood-soaked vampire. Plus, you can’t really question the man who played Gandhi. He kills you with his own mind powers.

2 Trackbacks

  1. By The Last Exit to Babylon on Thu Oct 26, 2006 at 11:46 am

    Boll Fighting…

    In snivelium, you’ve come up with one of the most incomprehensibly huge units of measurement I’ve ever heard of. And your Boll-Fighting video game would indeed be the most popular game in history. I know I’d probably quit my job to play it round t…

  2. By Augury » Blog Archive » A Challenge to Uwe Boll on Sat Nov 18, 2006 at 3:23 am

    […] When Shamus made a post yesterday about Seanbaby scaring Dr. Uwe Boll into submission using only the power of his mind, I was reminded of something I had seen on YTMND a few months ago: Challenge to Uwe Boll: You would think a man who constantly defends his “love” for videogames and his wishes to recreate our favorite videogames as films would choose a better medium to settle the score [than fisticuffs]. Like Street Fighter or Fight Night. […]