T w e n t y S i d e d

Fair warning: This week of Spoiler Warning is really strange. I don’t know why, but every single member of the cast takes a turn at going absolutely bonkers at some point this week.

Just wait. It only gets worse from here.

Shamus Young is a programmer, an author, and nearly a composer. He works on this site full time. If you'd like to support him, you can do so via Patreon or PayPal.

We quote a bit of Die Hard in this episode. Trivia: Mumbles saw Die Hard for the first time ever last week. Welcome to the party, pal.

We’ve been raving about the game, but some people are still foggy on the details of why we like Half-Life 2 so much. So here is Rutkarn’s answer, taken directly from the episode. (As nearly as I could, given the combat sounds and the other two idiots talking over him.) THIS is Half-Life 2, as made by ANY OTHER FPS STUDIO:

Here is a run down of what would have happened if any other studio had made this:

Cutscene intro: NEW YORK – You see citizens being mowed down in the streets. A narration plays over, “It is the future. Aliens have invaded the planet and begun oppressing the masses. Humankind can make no defense against it. But now, GORDON FREEMAN is being released by the G-man…”

Gordon wakes up: What? What’s going on? You’d better start giving me some answers, G-man!

GMAN: Well, Freeman… you are my pawn in this matter. I’m sending you to this place for my own reasons. Go kill some dudes.

You arrive there, and your sexilicious bikini babe companion will immediately start accompanying you, spouting wise-cracking one-lines and getting hung up on the environment while you go through the vert narrow New York streets, firing uninspiring guns and hiding behind cover.

And your enemies would be called, like… the Necro-forms. And they would all be these horrible half-human creatures that would howl and shriek.

And then the final boss would be the G-man.

Valve, thank you for not making that game.

Next week we’ll be back in the Mojave Desert. See you there.

Shamus Young is a programmer, an author, and nearly a composer. He works on this site full time. If you'd like to support him, you can do so via Patreon or PayPal.

In this episode we mention SoldierHawke, who is currently doing a blind run of Half-Life 2. You should check it out. It’s pretty rare to find people who can go into this game truly “blind”. Much of it has been spoiled in discussions, comics, memes, and songs. To have gone seven years without having any of the major plot elements being spoiled is quite an accomplishment.

We also mention Concerned, the Half-Life 2 webcomic.

So, the proper order of things is:

Step 1) Get the game.

Step 2) Play the game.

Step 3) Read the webcomic.

Step 4) Play the subsequent episodes.

Step 5) Watch the let’s plays, listen to the developer commentary, listen to the soundtrack, play through the game on all the difficulty levels or with various self-imposed restrictions, play the mods, play co-op, try to find all the secret areas, mess around with cheats, go for all the achievements.

Step 6) Join the everlasting flame war against the heretics who refuse to acknowledge the purity and goodness of the series and fail to revere it as the very zenith first-person shootery. Remember, you can’t enjoy the game properly until you convert everyone else, everywhere on the internet, to our way of thinking.

Steps 7-one million) Join the rest of us in the eternal and hopeless wait for Half-Life 3. Welcome to purgatory, dumbass.

Enjoy!

Shamus Young is a programmer, an author, and nearly a composer. He works on this site full time. If you'd like to support him, you can do so via Patreon or PayPal.

After a year and a half of constant rage and bile, Spoiler Warning brings you a long, uncomfortable love letter to Half-Life 2. Will our sickeningly sweet gushing throw you into a diabetic shock? Let’s find out…

Note how City 17 is run-down, disheveled, and dirty, while at the same time still colorful. Everyone who has ever inflicted a brown shooter on the public should be made to sit in the corner and watch these first few levels. And then they should have to write on the chalkboard, “I will not squander tens of millions of dollars making colorless gameworlds which are devoid of contrast have no visual separation between foreground, background, and character elements.” 100 times.

Shamus Young is a programmer, an author, and nearly a composer. He works on this site full time. If you'd like to support him, you can do so via Patreon or PayPal.