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Professor Rutskarn’s Introduction to Elder Scrolls Cosmology 101: New Gods

So maybe you don’t want to worship the Eight Divines, a gaggle of model-building intergalactic nerdcases with dumb names. And maybe you’re not on good terms with the Daedra after they made out with your boyfriend in one of those speakered-up parking spots at Sonic Burger. The question is: with those two options removed, who’s left to worship? Consider these three options:

1.) Nobody Much.

MORTAL: So Aedra, what’s the advantage of devoting my life to you? Are you going to deliver me from earthly suffering?

AEDRA: Yes! One specific kind of suffering, like not being able to carry enough stuff! We will alleviate this for several hours at a time!

MORTAL: That’s the kind of perk you’re willing to offer if I spend my entire life worshiping you?

AEDRA: Or you could drop like ten bucks on a shrine once in a while. But yeah. That’s our upper limit.

MORTAL: Daedra, how about you?

DAEDRA: Yeah, sure, standard contract: we give you all the sex and booze and violence and money and artifacts you can carry away in a sack, and in return, you let us sort of…you know, kind of, ruin your life. A bit.

MORTAL: No.

DAEDRA: Shit. They’re catching on.

Funny thing, how functional atheism is pretty common for a universe with more than three different types of Gods.

Continue reading ⟩⟩ “Skyrim EP6: Adventures in Incarceration Shenanigans”

Rutskarn is a writer, author, wordsmith, text producer, article deviser, prose architect, and accredited language-talker. If you enjoy his contributions to this site you could always back his Patreon.

Professor Rutskarn’s Introduction to Elder Scrolls Cosmology 101: Aedra and Daedra

So once upon a time, a bunch of nerd gods out in nerdspace decided they wanted to make a model universe. So they did, and it was pretty cool at first. Everyone got so into it they self-inserted themselves as planets and spent all their time in this fake universe they made. But then they started bickering hardcore, and this one guy was such a tool that he ended up getting kicked out (although if you ask him, he’ll say he left of his own free will).

But on his way out he ended up tearing a hole into another dimension. A dimension of rad dudes, who smoke and drink beer and party on school nights. And even though they didn’t make the nerd-universe, since they were too busy getting laid, they still had all their powers because they were coming in through the hole.

“Hey!” said the nerds. “This is our universe! We worked really hard on it! Get out!”

“You worked hard on this? Haha, dudes, come check this out. Look, they even made little people and shit.”

“Those people love us and they worship us as Gods! It’s very rewarding and life-enriching!”

“Oh yeah? Hey, that does sound like fun. Hey, little people, worship us too!”

“Th-this isn’t your universe! You can’t make them worship y–“

“CHECK IT OUT LITTLE DUDES, I’M MAKING IT RAIN MONEY AND ARTIFACTS! GO KILL EACH OTHER!”

“Stop! Stop! You’re ruining it!”

That’s basically the Elder Scrolls cosmology.

Tune in for next week’s lecture.

Rutskarn is a writer, author, wordsmith, text producer, article deviser, prose architect, and accredited language-talker. If you enjoy his contributions to this site you could always back his Patreon.