T w e n t y S i d e d
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All good things must come to and end. The same goes for stupid things.
A bit about the story after the jump… Continue reading ⟩⟩ “Shamus Plays LOTRO: The Final Chapter”
Stolen Pixels #209: Please Let Me Arrest You
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Chris Redfield is a Villain. I can prove it.
I am enjoying Resident Evil 5 a lot more than I did RE4, although that’s mostly because I’m less frustrated going in. For me, Resident Evil 4 was an interesting case of a game being ruined by incorrect expectations.
I didn’t play console games at all in the 90’s. I played PC games all the way. (Not that I ever took part in the “PC vs. console” debate, an argument so childish it should be sent to its room, forever.) I just didn’t have a console and didn’t care to. I missed basically everything between the Atari and the Playstation 2, aside from dabbling with them when visiting friends.
Once I started playing console games, someone handed me Resident Evil 4 and told me it was awesome and that I would love it. I had just played Silent Hill 2 and it had blown my mind, so I was looking forward to another experience like that. I mean, they’re both survival horror, right?
Continue reading ⟩⟩ “Stolen Pixels #209: Please Let Me Arrest You”
Spoiler Warning Season 2×19: Stop Calling Me Mungo
Yet another instance of this open world game oppressing you with its tyrannical railroad plot.
Hello, person from the future. This space used to have an embed from the video hosting site Viddler. The video is gone now. If you want to find out why and laugh at Viddler in the process, you can read the entire silly story for yourself. At any rate, the video is gone. Sorry. On the upside, we're gradually re-posting these old videos to YouTube. Check the Spoiler Warning page to see the full index. |
Usually we feign annoyance for comic effect. This time I think the annoyance might have been a little bit genuine in a couple of places. Whoopsie.
Dance Dance Quicktime Event
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Zak McKracken comments on Dance Dance Revolution:
Somehow I don't get these games: Guitar Hero and DDR and whatnot are just giant quicktime events, yet Shamus apparently likes them. (WTF? You spent so many words telling us how silly quicktime events were).
One of the stupid and mind-numbing things about quicktime events is that they’re strictly pass / fail. You either press the right button or you don’t, and one successful run will look exactly like any other. You’re not making any choices or contributing anything. You’re just pressing a really inconvenient “no” button when the game asks you if you would like to die now. Quicktime events are often constructed around the Do it Again, Stupid school of game design. They pop up suddenly when you aren’t expecting them and appear in a sequence designed to trip you up. Continue reading ⟩⟩ “Dance Dance Quicktime Event”
Bruce Lee
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Here is Bruce Lee playing ping-pong…
Link (YouTube) |
…with nunchaku.
Let’s see…
- He had above-average strength.
- Ridiculously high Dexterity.
- Firm constitution and incredible fitness, aside from that unfortunate bit at the end.
- Above-average intelligence, seeing as how he was able to run a business and innovate the world of performance martial arts before 32 years of age.
- Strong wisdom that gave him the discipline to engage in the constant study, training, networking, and performance required to maintain his career.
- Stellar charisma by way of acting chops, good looks, and mass appeal.
We could argue over his stats, but if I were to put Mr. Lee on a 3.5 edition character sheet I’d give him:
STR: 14
DEX: 18
CON: 13
INT: 12
WIS: 16
CHA: 17
There is no way around it: Bruce Lee was a munchkin of epic proportions. In a game, he’d be the GM’s PC.
Alas that we didn’t get more time with him. Hong Kong style filmmaking might have come to mainstream western cinema a couple of decades sooner. We could have gotten it in the late’ 70’s with Bruce instead of waiting for the late 90’s with Jackie Chan. Even better, we would have gotten some movies with proper camera work that let us see his performance. While Enter the Dragon wasn’t too bad, a lot of his other films suffered from too much close-in camera positioning that framed out many of his movements. I can’t watch them without wanting to shout “TAKE FOUR STEPS BACKWARDS!!!” to the cameraman. Imagine how incredible it would be to have a Fists of Fury shot in the style of Rumble in the Bronx.
Bruce would be be 70 this year.
EDIT: Awwww shucks. It is a fake after all. I still can’t believe someone mimed Bruce Lee’s style and body language so well. The end where he tucks the weapon under one arm with his chin up is classic Lee.
So now it’s an amazing display of imitation and audacity instead of a display of martial prowess. Still pretty cool.
Experienced Points: Arr Pee Gee
Stolen Pixels #208: Nine Bullets
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I’ve never liked the Resident Evil thing where they make the main characters badass international zombie-fighters. It makes the game less scary, it makes the characters less interesting, it makes the story less human, and it makes everything else about the story make no sense.
People don’t line up to play this game because they can’t wait to see what the Umbrella Corporation is up to this time. And I never hear people saying, “Oh man, I hope Chris Redfield is in this one. He’s the best character ever!” They play this game because they want to shoot zombies, a noble tradition observed by decent people the world over. Just drop a regular Joe or Jane into a zombie town and task them with getting through it. It will make sense that they’re alone and starting with nothing, and you can spend the opening cutscene telling us about them instead of a bunch of international mumbo-jumbo about Umbrella.
I promised myself when I bought Resident Evil 5 that I wouldn’t flip out about the story. I know it’s really aimed at some other audience – some group of people who actually might care about Umbrella, Chris, Leon, et al. I tried to “just ignore the silly parts and enjoy the zombie stuff”, playing technique that people usually prescribe, but after just a few hours I feel compelled to catalog the agonizing contrivances just as a way of getting them out of my system. The game probably only contains 20 minutes of cutscenes, and yet so far every single one has been brimming with teeth-gnashing stupidity. I hate main character Chris now. When I get a game over screen I get a little dose of satisfaction because it means Chris got the death he so richly deserves.
The zombie-shooting stuff is kind of fun, though.
From The Archives:
The Best of 2012
My picks for what was important, awesome, or worth talking about in 2012.
Punishing The Internet for Sharing
Why make millions on your video game when you could be making HUNDREDS on frivolous copyright claims?
Civilization VI
I'm a very casual fan of the series, but I gave Civilization VI a look to see what was up with this nuclear war simulator.
Rage 2
The game was a dud, and I'm convinced a big part of that is due to the way the game leaned into its story. Its terrible, cringe-inducing story.
Internet News is All Wrong
Why is internet news so bad, why do people prefer celebrity fluff, and how could it be made better?
How to Forum
Dear people of the internet: Please stop doing these horrible idiotic things when you talk to each other.
The Game That Ruined Me
Be careful what you learn with your muscle-memory, because it will be very hard to un-learn it.
Raytracing
Raytracing is coming. Slowly. Eventually. What is it and what will it mean for game development?
Dead or Alive 5 Last Round
I'm not surprised a fighting game has an absurd story. I just can't figure out why they bothered with the story at all.
D&D Campaign
WAY back in 2005, I wrote about a D&D campaign I was running. The campaign is still there, in the bottom-most strata of the archives.