T w e n t y S i d e d
I’ll spare the gentle Garrison Keilloresque lead-in, because I know people are impatient to find out just why the hell I can’t equip my two-handed sword. So pay attention, because I’m about to lay out my theory.
When I ended my last session, I realized that one item I was frequently equipping and unequipping was my magical arm bands. They’re called the “Arm Bands of Transmorph.” Now, I’d been wondering for a while what they did–and looking them up on the wiki, they seemed to convey random qualities to the user. Obviously there’s no way to tell what those qualities ARE in-game, because that would be downright user tolerant, but never mind.
So now that I’m getting back to my playthrough, I finally have a working solution–equipping those armbands seems to provide some kind of can’t-use-certain-equipment effect, and it just so happens that none of my experiments detected that the armbands were responsible. So this all makes a reasonable amount of sense as long as you know what the item does, which you won’t, and the inventory provides clear feedback, which it doesn’t. Never mind. Just glad to have that mystery taken care of.
Just to confirm it’s the armbands, I take them off and equip my sword successfully. Then I take off my boots and put them back on, and, uh.
Nope. Didn’t work. They won’t go back on. Same goes for my cuirass. And my pauldrons. And…okay, let’s walk this back for a second. Is the sword magical too?
It is. The item’s called the Sword of the Traveler, which, according to the wiki…
Casts the spell of Teleport when used, 10 Uses, Lvl 2 (Unknown)
…has nothing to do with items, okay. So…
What the fuck?
So let’s positively march this back. I can equip anything but my sword with the armbands on. Take the armbands off and I can now equip my sword–and just like that half of the rest of my inventory becomes unequippable. Nothing’s REMOVED–they just can’t be equipped anymore. And this happens because…
It wasn’t easy, but after reviewing my inventory and running a few more experiments I figure out what’s going wrong. The problem seems to be that Battlespire really goddamn sucks. A fractal disaster. When the tow truck hauls the burning wreckage out of a ditch, they’ll find one wheel was stolen from a lawnmower, one wheel was experimentally triangular, and two were omitted for budgetary reasons. And that’s when they’ll discover the fender damage where it crashed into absolutely nothing.
So who won my guess-the-malady contest? Geez, I don’t know. I thought I knew what was going on, but I was clearly–frankly, I was rashly mistaken. All I can confirm after thorough experimentation is that nearly every suggestion you all offered is definitely incorrect. It’s nothing to do with weights, it’s nothing to do with durability, and most of the problematic equipment isn’t magical so it’s probably nothing to do with enchantment conflicts. Containers have had no apparent effect on item equipping, and equippability is not impacted by presence within or without a nested bag pit. I’m also dead certain it’s not a UI issue–I’ve grasped the basic principles of putting on equipment at this point and am not just suddenly and inexplicably failing at it. There’s no material commonalities except that the unequippable stuff is usually metal. But not all metal, I guess?
I guess Ramsus got the closest by stating that my problem was “You were playing Battlespire.”
So I’m just going to give all of you the prize. It’s an invitation. To what, you might ask? Let me put it this way. Here I am, having exhausted all of the possibilities of this level, ready to move on–and I can’t equip my sword. Or at least, I’d rather leave it unequipped because I’m not sure on what level it’s breaking the game.
I’ll have to press forward to level 3 if I want a new weapon, and I’m sure that if I press forward far enough I’ll run into one in a box or bag or something. However, I’m equally certain I’ll run into an entire dungeon worth of pain first. This introduces a logistical consideration re: my continued survival. I’m not too worried about getting brought down by ranged attacks, since every ranged attack I’ve run into so far has been non-physical and has therefore been deflected by my immunities, but the physical attacks in this game can be brutal gamestoppers if you’re unable to fight back.
So what am I to do? How am I going to incapacitate an entire dungeon environment worth of monsters without a weapon?
Let me put it this way: the same people who programmed this game’s inventory programmed its pathfinding.
And now it’s time for your invitation. Put on your freshest clothes, put this in the background, and head to Downtown Battlespire, Dungeon Level 3. Show your ID to the devil bouncer spinning himself nauseous in the corner–I guarantee you’ll be on the guest list. Then? Enjoy the dance party.
It’s shockingly easy to get everyone caught on something. I just weave in and out of pillars, zig around tight corners…soon whole bunches of mobs are twisting about in tight mooknadoes. Sucks, don’t it, my daedric comrades? Bet you wish we could just have a nice civilized deathmatch. Instead you get to do the Bartman in this stupid dungeon for all eternity.
I spare nobody within reach. Before long I have complete leisure to roam around the zone unbothered. I hear a lot of complaints, but nobody’s acting on it–they’re a little busy getting their groove on.
So go ahead, Battlespire. You break my character. I’ll break your goddamn dungeon.
NEXT WEEK: COFFIN AND WHEEZING
Joker's Last Laugh
Did you anticipate the big plot twist of Batman: Arkham City? Here's all the ways the game hid that secret from you while also rubbing your nose in it.
Good to be the King?
Which would you rather be: A king in the middle ages, or a lower-income laborer in the 21st century?
Skyrim Thieves Guild
The Thieves Guild quest in Skyrim is a vortex of disjointed plot-holes, contrivances, and nonsense.
Fable II
The plot of this game isn't just dumb, it's actively hostile to the player. This game hates you and thinks you are stupid.
Grand Theft Auto Retrospective
This series began as a cheap little 2D overhead game and grew into the most profitable entertainment product ever made. I have a love / hate relationship with the series.
Oh my goodness this post is so perfect … what a ridiculously broken game.
You have no idea how much willpower it takes not to just post, for each chapter, a selection of screenshots captioned with “THESE PEOPLE MADE SKYRIM” in increasingly ugly fonts.
If I’d played this in 1998 and you’d asked me, “What will these people be making in 2011,” I’d have said, “Cheeseburgers.” Then I’d have thought about it for a minute and said, “And in some cases, license plates.”
What, no ditch- or grave-digging? :D
Implying that skyrim wasnt just as broken?Because skyrim was just as broken.
No, it wasn’t, that’s ridiculous. People always seem to exaggerate how buggy Skyrim is. Sure, it’s still Bethesda, so it’s very messed up, but it’s nowhere close to the mess that is Battlespire.
From djw:
So yes,it is just as broken.
I’ve never noticed significant crashing problems with Skyrim on my six year old laptop. I have to run with minimum graphic settings, but it’s stable.
As for AI and scripting problems, yeah there are plenty of those. Once I couldn’t finish the intro sequence because somehow the scripted cart ended up going off of the road and getting stuck and the NPCs didn’t know how to handle it. I was never able to reproduce it, though.
Thats why you’re not encountering the problem. You aren’t getting into the territory where the memory management problems happen. Skyrim is fine on that front as long as its operating within certain bounds.
I imagine they will fix the memory issue though. It doesn’t happen in Fallout 4 that I know of. So they probably know by now how to handle it.
That’s roughly the amount of RAM a 32-bit Windows application can allocate under 32bit Windows.
However, under 64bit Windows a 32bit Windows application can have a little bit more than that.
Which probably explains what’s happening.
I’d wager the vast majority of people play the game without any memory issues; and I’d double wager that you can solve most of those issues by turning down settings.
Are those sort of issues bad coding/design/whatever? Absolutely. But to say that some potential memory management bugs makes it “just as broken” as the the outright assault on aesthetic, mechanics, and general sanity that Rutskarn is describing just seems like a gross lack of perspective to me.
You really think that this isnt as bad?How about this?Or this?Or how about the most famous one,that was intentionally left in for shits and gigles?Yes,skyrim is just as broken.Every bethesda game is just as broken.
Yes, I think they’re less bad because 1) you’re cherry-picking glitches found across the entire internet’s playthrough of an absurdly popular and complex game; which don’t necessarily represent an average player’s experience. I played something like 20 hours of Skyrim and maybe saw a glitch like that once. And 2) these sort of animation screw-ups are far less detrimental to gameplay, than, say being unable to equip your weapon at all. My corpse ragdolling into space really doesn’t affect my ability to play the game at all.
If the average player’s experience in Skyrim was anything remotely close to what Rutskarn has experienced, Skyrim would absolutely not have been the megahit that it was.
Well, Josh the bug whisperer managed to complete unmodded Skyrim successfully, so the standard is set: sit Josh in front of a PC and have him play Battlespire until such time he either completes it, or gets into a state where doing so becomes impossible.
We’ve seen that Josh not only runs into bugs we don’t expect, he never runs into bugs we expect. Him playing Battlespire would be easy and glitch-free. I expect somehow even the dialogue would get rewritten into something vaguely comprehensible.
Either that or the universe spontaneously vanishes and is replaced with something sillier.
And suddenly your experience is the common one?Your experience is the one that defines an average player?Not Shamus who says that he had to use the console to get unstuck in every bethesda game?Not MadTinkerer above who says he had a bug preventing him from finishing the intro sequence?Its not Josh breaking the alchemy system so much that the game crashes?No,its you who defines an average playthrough.If that were the case,bethesda would not hold the reputation for one of the buggiest developers around.
Also,why is Rutskarns play somehow the average?Seeing how his equipment thing is noticed by no one else on the web.
If you want to see Daggerfall broken in another way, Games Done Quick are speedrunning it today ~06:15 pm EST for charity (followed by Morrowind, Skyrim, Fallout 3 and 4).
Come see the bugs of this mess used to make this world a little better.
“I can equip anything but my sword with the armbands on. Take the armbands off and I can now equip my sword”“and just like that half of the rest of my inventory becomes unequippable. ”
Does the rest of your inventory become unequippable before or after you equip your sword?
In other words: Is it possible that wearing the armbands is a *prerequisite* for wearing certain other items?
Interesting! But no.
Is it possible to equip the sword, then unequip the armband and then reequip the rest of your gear? At least that way you can go to the next level and worry about it later.
Have you tried turning it off and turning it on again.
If restarting it doesn’t work, then have you tried reinstalling it?
;-)
Have you checked if it’s plugged in?
Have you tried sacrificing a chicken over a thematically appropriate altar?
Not even in an indirect way? For example, the arm-bands just happen to boost a stat (possibly invisibly) which gets raised to the point where it meets the (invisible) requirements for the items?
It seems such a simple solution that I’m sure that you’ve tried it and it doesn’t work, but given what you’ve told us:
Can’t you just:
1) Equip the armbands
2) Equip your sword
3) Unequip the armbands
4) Put on your armour.
(5) Put the armbands back on? Not sure why since they seem mostly worthless…)
This, though I was going to phrase it “put on all your armor, remove armbands, equip sword, equip armbands,” since you didn’t mention removing the armband automatically removing anything else. You may have already tried this though.
Until you breaking things and Battlespire breaking things collides in a break(dance) explosion. You’re encouraging free-roaming bugs to compete with each other, slowly evolving into predators that feed off the weaker ones. Soon enough, they will expand outward from Battlespire into your OS. Your very keyboard will melt, yea, unto the seventh generation thereof.
Oh gods, this is how the real Skynet is going to happen – not with some super-weapon gone haywire, but from some buggy, broken game, whose AI system has gone amok.
It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.
Skynet fights back by purchasing a controlling interest in Bethesda Softworks.
Terminators are built, and programmed to spin in little circles. They are easily defeated by civilians armed with water balloons.
Skynet spends the rest of its days running experiments on how to get up the other side of the uncanny valley, and failing miserably.
Made all the more likely because Bethesda actually made multiple Terminator games.
Some more Dancebattlespire recommendations:
1) Notorious B-I-G vs Peter Bjorn and John – Party Bullshit (Dave Wrangler Nothing To Worry About Remix)
2) Flux Pavilion – Blow The Roof
3) LMFAO – Bustin’ Makes Me Feel Good
4) Mick Gordon – Temperance and Vengeance (feat. Ali Edwards)
And in case you want to get down with the spider daedras:
5) Maximo Park – Like I Love You
My recommendations:
See Emily Play by Pink Floyd.
Ballad of a Thin Man by Bob Dylan.
…I uh…
I don’t dance.
Stamp On the Ground – ItaloBrothers Had especially good timing with the sword flashing of gif 2
Dimitri’s Disco Theme – Sly Copper 2 Tried it for fun, worked surprisingly well with 1st and 3rd gif
Dance Like Nobody’s Watching
In particular:
…seems particularly appropriate for Battlespire.
That skeleton is rolling in his grave.
Wait, does the sword teleport YOU? Or whatever it strikes? Or is it a sword but also a usable magical item? In which case, what does it teleport then? And WHERE does it teleport it?
Clearly it teleports itself away from you as you reach out to grab it, UNLESS you’re wearing the magical armguards of sword holding.
This makes so much sense. Weird, twisted, impossible sense, but it appeals to me.
If it’s anything like magic in Morrowind (not even remotely guaranteed), “cast on use” means it’s a magical item that must be invoked (kind of like a ring of fireball, but less portable and sharper) to gain its effect. Target is almost certainly self. If it automatically cast on whatever you whacked with it, that would be “cast on strike”.
Question: you say that…
Doesn’t that mean you can just cheese the system? Take off the armbands, equip the sword, put on the armbands, put on the rest of your equipment?
Or does ‘they don’t get removed but I can’t equip them anymore’ also mean that you don’t get any benefit from the now-prohibited stuff?
It’s mostly fear.
I get the feeling now would be a good time to end the attempt to get through this game, since it appears that the entire design is trying to stop you from being able to accomplish anything without exerting more effort than an entire playthrough of a Dark Souls game on NG+. :/
Reading the answer to the riddle absolutely infuriates me. I feel let down and betrayed by it.
I’m not even playing this game.
Arm bands of Transmorph?
It sounds like those could reasonably make you nonhumanoid, and thus lack the anatomy to wear boots.
That would imply that the Sword of the Traveler is therefore specifically designed to be wielded by amorphous blobs, anyone with opposable thumbs need not apply.
My theory is that you transmorph into any object you place into your hands. Sort of like a reverse-Midas, you now are the sword. It is an unfortunate reality of being a sword that you are unable to wear boots.
Indeed, and people don’t want to be sword.
Thank you.
I don’t know if it’s possible within the bounds of Battlespire, but it certainly sounds feasible. Reminds me of the mutation feature from Stone Soup; you could develop foot talons and lose the ability to wear boots.
Given that the game has disadvantages that limit the quality of gear you can equip (or whether you can wield certain weapons) perhaps the bracers are adding or changing the disadvantages. Seems like something “transmorph” would do.
Ooooooooooooo…
If you wear/don’t wear the armbands, can you wield maces/whatever other weapons you’re usually banned from due to min-maxxing?
You’ve got to wonder if there really is a crises in the Battlespire, or if this is all just an elaborate and terrifying challenge to craft the most powerful reality warping mage in the world.
What I’m essentially saying is you’re a Wizard Rutskarn.
Are your immunities somehow the cause of the inventory bug? Do enchantments (or even materials) in the game convey some kind of benefit/detriment that is magical in a way that is mysteriously broken when applied to a character that is immune to every type of magic known to man?
Not sure how you could possibly test this though, it would most likely involve making a non-tweaked out character and having to suffer both actually taking damage and playing the first level again.
Looks like there are save editors out there (UESP lists some for download) as well as instructions for manually editing your stats using a hex editor. Could be useful for testing, especially if the magic gear somehow broke your stats/skills – maybe a stacking curse that’s applied every time you equip it? Or it gave a random bonus that caused an integer overflow?
Whoo!
I’d say you literally beat Battlespire at it’s own game. And I’m having a party here right now.
Question: How often do you save? Wouldn’t it have been the easiest solution to go back to your previous save and not take the boots off this time?
I’d somehow assumed that you’d be save-spamming most of the game anyway. Or is there some restriction which prevents you from just saving every 30 seconds and going back to that if things fail?
…not complaining, though, because this way we’re getting much more hilarious posts …
When he fell off the bridge earlier, his last save was so far back he didn’t even have pants yet. I know that I would have been save-spamming even more than usual (a habit carried over from saving after every single edit to source files, just in case) if I had the control issues described in a game that featured platforming as even a minor element, but apparently he wasn’t.
Danny Baronawsky – Disco Descent
Metalmancy is better! :P
It does fit better to the beat shown on-screen, I’ll give it that.
10 Teleports left in the sword
10 Teleports in the sword
Use one up and see if it lets you equip the rest of your items afterwards
9 Teleports left in the sword…
I’d just like to point out that I was… partially right? Regarding the interaction of sword and armwear anyway.
Given that it’s Battlespire, that’s probably not something to be proud of. I should see a psychologist.
Since no one’s getting hurt, maybe the song is The Safety Dance.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qz5UTprkIX0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y414Q7vVgYU
It seems Jensen is a much more accomplished dancer than Shepard.
Mind you, it’s Mass Effect canon that probably everyone is a more accomplished dancer than Shepard.
I came here to make this post, but I see someone has already done so. Good work, citizen.
Is there a secret, “Max Awesome Equipment” stat? So for your level, you can only equip 30 points of awesome. If the sword is 25 all by itself, that might keep you from adding other things.
Given the choice of a sword or armbands of questionable utility, I can’t see why you wouldn’t just choose the sword.
If I ever make an RPG, there will be a hidden “awesome” stat for this very purpose.
I feel strongly that Cahmel should be a meme. Therefore:
the first of many!
Wait, isn't that a sword in the second screenshot, with the ghosts? I thought there was no weapon! WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING AT, RUTSKARN?!?1?
He may have the sword but not the boots, if I’m not mistaken.
They break your character?
You break their dungeon!
They bring bad AI?
You bring cheese tactics!
They bug your equipment?
You fuck a spider deadra!
That’s the Battlespire way!
*Recite in Sean Connery accent for full potency.
I’m not even 100% sure how to pronounce “daedra” in my own accent.
It was originally conceived to be /diËdrÉ™/ according to, if I remember correctly, Michael Kirkbride, who helped coin much of the Elder Scrolls vocabulary (and also wrote The 36 Lessons of Vivec), before his departure from Bethesda soon before Morrowind’s release. Technically nothing he’s said that’s not in the games is canonical, but his were the only known pronunciations for most words before Oblivion messed them all up with poorly-directed-fully-voiced dialogue (for example, Dunmer was supposed to be something like /dunmeËr/, not /dÊŒnmÉ™r/).
Hurray “winning”! As predicted. Also as predicted I feel bad about it.
If nobody else’s suggestions for fixing your equipment work… trying unequipping your character. I don’t know why or how this would be an option, but it seems like what we should be expecting from this game.
My recommendation is for Geddan.
Theory:
Putting armor on requires the use of your hands.
When you have your two-handed sword equipped, both of your hands are in use. Therefore, in order to dress yourself, you must first unequip the sword to free up your hands. (already-equipped items may be removed without requiring hands, via scandalous gyrations. This may incidentally explain the surprising level of interest from the spider daedra, a few episodes back.)
The arm bands of transmorph presumably transform you into something which has no hands, which explains why you’re unable to equip the two-handed sword whilst wearing them?
I’ve now got a mental image of the sword having an enchantment that makes you terrified of clothes.
And, the bracers turn Cahmel into a Watcher, but he’s to oblivious to notice all those new tentacles.
Back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, I remember you taking “Restricted Material: Daedric.” Or whatever the, “you can’t equip this tier of items” is actually called by Battlespire.
Which makes me wonder:
Is it possible the Bracers of Transumation actually change the tier of several randomly selected equipment slots? Literally, transmuting them into a different tier of items, while you have them equipped. And for reasons defying logic, Bethesda chose to use the Daedric keyword to identify modified items?
Suddenly, when you try to equip them, the game decides your silver boots are now daedric, and you cannot equip them.
Then, because the Sword of the Traveler also does something no one seems to understand, it might attach its own keyword to other equipped items, while wielded?
EDIT: Also, not that I’ve gone back and looked at the first post, maybe it just changes certain equipment slots into heavy armor.
And here I am having already used my geddan joke.
Surprised no-ones mentioned Ultravox’s Dancing With Tears in My Eyes
Crypt of the NecroDancer OST!
I saw others ask but didn’t see an answer… Since nothing is removed, is there a reason you can’t just equip the sword with the armbands off, then put the armbands on and equip everything?
There is something delightfully folkloric about this solution.