Dragon Age: Twitter Review Pt. 4

By Shamus Posted Monday Dec 7, 2009

Filed under: Game Reviews 64 comments

I’ve been playing #DragonAge a week. Suddenly new EULA pops up when I launch it, and I have to agree to play? Pfft.

The discussion as to whether or not it’s enforceable or not is beside the point: This is simply no way to do business.

The whole thing has a sick, Kafkaesque flavor to it. Clumsy bureaucratic shackles are added to a simple economic transaction, presented in a way that most people can’t even understand. The company knows nobody reads the EULA, but they pay the lawyers to make one anyway. The lawyers know the thing is gibberish to the intended audience, but they write it anyway. The user knows it’s all a joke and it has no meaning to them, but they agree to it anyway. And the company knows that the user knows it’s all a joke.

Paying lawyers to draft unenforceable contracts for people who can’t understand them to perpetuate a system nobody takes seriously.

What a stupid waste of everyone’s time and money.

Except for the lawyers. I think they’re happy with the system.

Continue reading ⟩⟩ “Dragon Age: Twitter Review Pt. 4”

 


 

How I Spent The Last Half Hour, An Autobiography

By Shamus Posted Sunday Dec 6, 2009

Filed under: Random 38 comments

Starting yesterday I started getting spam comments on this site that would just be these lists (sometimes long, sometimes short) of random English words. A sample:

Enemy Natural,post hall gate significance experiment disappear later shout light what prepare slowly quite she

I guess it’s an effort to get past heuristic filters. (Spammers don’t care about the comment, they only want the link that goes on their name.)

I see all the comments on this site in a single admin feed that shows them in the order in which they were posted, regardless of what post they come from. (My old posts still see a good bit of hit & run traffic.)

I did not think of this when I made the earlier post asking people for silly words.

I just now sorted through a pile of endless unrelated words, reading them through and thinking, “Man, what’s wrong with these people? These words aren’t very funny at all.” I was looking at the lists of words, searching for meaning or patterns that would explain why people had chosen these mundane and un-funny words. Are these people thinking of skits I’ve never seen? Are they non-native English speakers with different ideas about what sounds funny?

And then I realized I was reading spam.

So, maybe that wasn’t the best use of the last twenty minutes. The only thing that would be more pointless than reading all my spam in detail would be to write a 250 word post about my experience reading spam.

 


 

Funny Words

By Shamus Posted Sunday Dec 6, 2009

Filed under: Random 138 comments

Over at Chainmail Bikini we’ve been having a running conversation about “funny words”. Words which are kind of funny in and of themselves.

The examples given in the comic include the word “pants” and “weasel”. The innate humor of the word pants is demonstrated here.

Now, almost any word can be funny if it’s just incongruous enough.

1) Sword
2) Battleaxe
3) Spear
4) Lemon

See?

But some words go above and beyond this. They feel funny or odd or silly, even before they’re integrated with a proper joke. Some of my favorites:

1) The aforementioned “Pants” and “Weasel”.
2) Too many foods to mention. I suppose some of the funniest ones would be “pudding” and “bacon”.
3) Animal sounds are always silly, but I think “Moo” is the king of them.
4) Swear words are a double-edged sword. They will make the joke funnier for some, and kill the joke for others. We all have a level of profanity we’re familiar and comfortable with. If you exceed that by just a bit, it can intensify the joke. But if you go too far past that point, it just seems like you’re trying to hard, or overcompensating. It’s like over-salting food.
5) Lots of body parts are funny: Butt, nose, gizzard, spleen, elbow. Shoulder? Not so much.

Exercise: What word just really strikes you as funny? (Other than the ones I’ve already listed.) Try to come up with one and enter it into the comments below without reading the others. I’m curious what we’ll get, and what patterns will emerge. If any.

 


 

What if the Matrix was shot in the era of silent film?

By Shamus Posted Saturday Dec 5, 2009

Filed under: Movies 32 comments

Actually, the title of the movie is, “What if Matrix was shot in the silent films’ era”, a mangled phrase which irritated me until I realized that the people who made the movie are Russian. Their English is better than my Russian, so I can’t be the one to cast the first stone here.


Link (YouTube)

They did an amazing job of capturing the aesthetic and rhythm of those old films.

The answer to the question posed in the title seems to be, “If The Matrix had been made in the era of silent film, it would have sucked. But it still would have been better than either of the sequels.”

 


 

Experienced Points: The Writers of BioWare

By Shamus Posted Friday Dec 4, 2009

Filed under: Column 48 comments

In this week’s Experienced points, I classify a bunch of the BioWare characters.

Last night I realized I’d somehow left out Kaiden from Mass Effect, who should have been classified under “Captain Emo”. He was even voiced by Raphael Sbarge who – aside from desperately needing another vowel in his name – also voiced Carth Onasi, another Captain Emo alumni.

The rules I used for making this list, just to keep it focused:

1) I’m only drawing from the modern voice-acted BioWare games: KOTOR, Jade Empire, Mass Effect, and Dragon Age.

2) Each archetype had to have at least three examples.

3) No character could be in more than one archetype.

I’m sure there are other lists you could draw up using similar rules. Most of these characters fit into these categories as a matter of degree, not law. You could argue that Garrus Vakarian wasn’t nearly as mopey as the others, or that there should be another “joker” category for guys like Joker (Mass Effect) and Alistair. (Dragon Age)

Still, lists like this are fun to make. I know I’ve run into these characters again and again, but I enjoy it enough to keep coming back.

Note to other developers: BioWare is getting away with murder here. Their games are formulaic and their game mechanics are often wobbly or frustrating. Yet they sell like crazy because their writing is top-notch. You should try hiring some talented writers yourselves. You think the quality of writing doesn’t matter, but you’re wrong.

And Cryptic studios: This goes double for you.

EDIT: Since people are jumping to BioWare’s defense, I must have made this article sound far more negative than I intended. I think BioWare’s writers are superb, and I don’t see this list as an indictment at all. It’s just, you know, an observation of style. You could take the BioWare name off any of these games and people would still recognize it as such, probably in the first few minutes.

 


 

Stolen Pixels #148: Dragon Aged

By Shamus Posted Friday Dec 4, 2009

Filed under: Column 36 comments

I guess we should be grateful that BioWare didn’t do the same thing with Shale and Dog.

Comic Spoiler:

Yes, Wynne is built like all the other women. (Hot.) She obviously just re-uses the same body used by every other woman in the game, who are all also hot. Fine, fine. Budget limits and all that. They couldn’t take the time to make a proper old person body.

So… what about Sten? They took the time to make this special barrel-chested male model. (Although he looks wide in armor, but ripped if you take his shirt off. It doesn’t make a lot of sense.)

It’s just… odd. All of it. And confusing.

 


 

Dragon Age: Twitter Review Pt. 3

By Shamus Posted Thursday Dec 3, 2009

Filed under: Game Reviews 88 comments

Once again, bold text is from my Twitter feed, and the rest is my elaboration on it. Also note that you’re reading these in chronological order.

Alistair just said “Down you go!” Carth, is that you? #DragonAge

Alistair – despite his occasional tendency to mope – is probably my favorite character. On the right is my Elf mage.  Not pictured: Her silly, silly hat.  (Headwear is removed during the cutscenes.)
Alistair – despite his occasional tendency to mope – is probably my favorite character. On the right is my Elf mage. Not pictured: Her silly, silly hat. (Headwear is removed during the cutscenes.)

Carth from KOTOR had the same combat taunt. I thought it was funny. It’s worth noting that both Carth and Alistair draw from the same BioWare archetype as well. (I have an article about this very thing going up at The Escapist tomorrow.)

Steven Blum has joined the party. #DragonAge

To the right is the Dwarf voiced by Blum.  For some reason, it left our headwear on for this cutscene.
To the right is the Dwarf voiced by Blum. For some reason, it left our headwear on for this cutscene.

He voices your Dwarven companion. Although here he uses his gruff voice, pretty much the same thing he uses for the Wolverine games.

Wow. The start of the game for Dwarven commoners is really dark. #DragonAge

I didn’t go any further than the origin story, but it was short and ugly. Not in a bad way, but it was quite a contrast with the Mage origin.

Wow. There are SIX opening stories? This game wants to eat my LIFE. #DragonAge

Each origin takes an hour or so. Some are class based (mages) and others are race based (Dwarven commoner) but I haven’t figured them all out yet. I’ve only been a mage so far, so I’m not sure how much of an impact your origin has on the rest of the game.

I’m certainly not going to go through six times.

Feels like #DragonAge on Easy is still a little harder than #KOTOR on normal. I guess I need more micro-mgmt.

The difficulty in this game is a mess. Some people are saying it’s too easy even when playing on hard. Some say it’s too hard even when playing on easy. Some say it goes from boring to impossible on a whim. There are two broken things here.

One is that mage powers tend to dominate the game, and not all mage powers are created equal. When I was talking about how hard the game was, people responded with:

Just use [Forcefield, a power I didn’t have] and then follow up with [another power that was way down a skill tree I’d never even looked at] and if you must, then have someone else follow up with [another power I hadn’t acquired]. This game is TOO EASY.

It’s very easy to miss or overlook key game-breaking powers, and there’s no way to respec.

The other problem is that the system of auto-scaling enemies is broken. You’ll get wiped by a room full of common mooks. Then you work past that and end up steamrolling a boss. The difficulty is all over the place.

I’ve been through the bulk of the game twice now, both times as primal mages, both times using the same play styles. And the challenge level of the game feels more or less random. The first time I did the Deep Roads the game was insanely hard, to the point where even regular encounters required multiple attempts.

The second time through the game I did the Deep Roads and it was pretty average. A couple of hard boss fights, but nothing game-ruining.

This takes away all sense of accomplishment for me. When I win handily, I don’t feel like I out-maneuvered a tough opponent, I feel like the game under-estimated me and gave me foes that were too weak. When I lose, I don’t feel like I did something wrong, I feel like the game just murdered me with tough foes.

The obvious answer is, “If it’s too hard, go somewhere else and level, then come back.”

But this is the problem that auto-scaling foes is supposed to fix! People don’t like giving up and going away. The story stops making sense. (We got into the bowels of the earth, changed our minds, went back out, adventured in the city for a few days, and then returned to the center of the earth and fought the Deeplords of Asskicking, even though we’d been in their vestibule weeks earlier.) It’s a time sink and it takes the momentum out of the story.

Usually the problem with auto-scaling foes is that the game feels uniform and bland, and that you’re robbed of any sense of accomplishment. The tradeoff is that you’ll never run into a wall where you can’t progress. But here we have the worst of both worlds. What they’ve done is taken away the ability of the player to decide how much challenge they want, and instead it’s a crapshoot based on whether or not you happen to pick the right powers and what mood the auto-scale-AI is in. And even the difficulty slider itself doesn’t have enough delta to compensate for the massive swing from auto-scaling + mage powers.

I now see all combat in the game as an unwelcome time-sink, since I get no satisfaction from it. I’m leaving the game on easy, and I’ll probably get some cheats to just make all fights a cakewalk. The combat is just pointless and not worth the time.

Broodmother #DragonAge Thorian #MassEffect TheMother #JadeEmpire – I guess someone at BioWare REALLY likes this idea.

Actually, the story with Witherfang and the werewolves is much closer to this BioWare trope. The “go underground and face a creature who has been turning people into monsters, then face a moral quandary.”

Broodmother fight was HARD. I don’t think 100+ hour games need this much trial-and-error. #DragonAge

I was pretty pissed at this point. I’d turned the game down to easy, and I was still getting party-wiped and a regular basis.

And the worst was yet to come.

Unrelated, but, here is a picture of our hats:

I’m wearing a winged helmet. Wynne is wearing a floppy bit of cloth, as if she just decided to put a handkerchief on her head.  The designers realized how stupid the hats look, so they’re generally removed during cutscenes, but we still have to look at them during the other 50 hours of the game.
I’m wearing a winged helmet. Wynne is wearing a floppy bit of cloth, as if she just decided to put a handkerchief on her head. The designers realized how stupid the hats look, so they’re generally removed during cutscenes, but we still have to look at them during the other 50 hours of the game.

I think my #DroganAge review should bee all these tweets with accompanying commentary.

What an idea! You sir, are brilliant!

Wicked hard boss fight + LONG load times = I stopped having fun 20 mins ago. #DragonAge

The fight at the end of the Dwarven Deep Roads. This was the game killer for me. I was trying to fight Branka and she was way, way, waaay too hard. No, don’t tell me about your ‘leet strategies or your awesome character builds. She was clocking people for half their health. There was simply nothing I could do to get through this fight. Through repeated attempts, I never even got her below half health. And I was playing on “easy”. I wasn’t even able to put down her henchmen. (Who would have made for a really tough fight even without the boss.)

The auto-scale system had picked wrong and given me way too much opposition.

My second time through the game – using much the same party and powers except that I’d traded Leleina for Shale – it wasn’t much of a problem. The party was even about the same level. The Boss was doing a fraction of the damage she’d done before. We were hitting much harder, and the mage’s holds were more reliable. Why? The auto-scaling.

It’s all arbitrary.

Sometimes the characters use this really aggressive walk / swagger during cutscenes.  I recognize it from Mass Effect. It’s funny seeing little old lady Wynne (left) use that stride.
Sometimes the characters use this really aggressive walk / swagger during cutscenes. I recognize it from Mass Effect. It’s funny seeing little old lady Wynne (left) use that stride.

“Here is a treasured heirloom for saving our Kingdom” ME: “Here is me taking the heirloom to the pawnshop next door.”#DragonAge

A Dwarf gave me a magic staff that was obviously of great historical significance, but wasn’t very useful compared to what I already had. I hate when games do this. What am I supposed to do? Lug this thing around? You can’t take it to a museum, which is where it belongs.

So you pawn it.

“Oh, thank you for saving America. Here is Lincoln’s top hat. May you treasure it forever.” And then next door to the White House is a pawn shop that:

1) Recognizes the authenticity of the artifact.
2) Is willing to buy it.
3) Has the cash to buy such an item.
4) Isn’t offended that you’re pawning a national treasure.

Oh RPG tropes, you are so silly sometimes.