{"id":54080,"date":"2022-03-25T06:00:12","date_gmt":"2022-03-25T10:00:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/?p=54080"},"modified":"2022-03-24T07:43:32","modified_gmt":"2022-03-24T11:43:32","slug":"ff12-sightseeing-tour-part-11-remember","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/?p=54080","title":{"rendered":"FF12 Sightseeing Tour Part 11: The Dream Team"},"content":{"rendered":"

This week the Rocketeer takes us on the long journey through the Mosphoran Highwaste, across the Salikawood, over the Phon Coast, to the Tchita Uplands, into the Sochen Cave Palace, and to many other places<\/a> I can’t be bothered to look up on the wiki now that they’ve all blurred together in my mind.<\/p>\n

While we’re on this long journey, I’d like to ask you:<\/p>\n

Remember the start of the game?<\/b><\/p>\n


\n

Is this going to be on the test?<\/div>
Is this going to be on the test?<\/div><\/p>\n

Yeah. Remember all of that narration? The map? All those proper names? The history lesson?\u00a0<\/p>\n

Did you enjoy this frantic struggle to keep track of all the places and people? Did you manage to keep Nabradia, Nalbina, and Nabudis straight when they came up in conversation? Do you have a handle on the Giza Plains, the Galtean Peninsula, Gramis Solodor, Judge Gabranth, and Judge Ghis? Can you remember which country is Rabanastre and which one is Rozarria?<\/p>\n

Maybe you’ve been paying attention enough to remember that Ondore is from Bhujerba and not Bur-Omisace, and maybe if you think for a minute you can remember his relationship to the Marquis. And maybe you’ve got a handle on things so that you don’t confuse Vaan, Vayne, Vossler, and Venat. Or Drace, Dalmasca, and Draklor. Maybe you can sort out the two different characters named Cid, and maybe you can remember who Reks, Reddas, Raithwall, and Rasler are.<\/p>\n

Year 704 Old Valendian - Kingdom of Dalmasca - The Royal City of Rabanastre<\/div>
Year 704 Old Valendian - Kingdom of Dalmasca - The Royal City of Rabanastre<\/div><\/p>\n

Good job. Now that you’ve put in the work let me ask you:<\/p>\n

What are you getting out of it, aside from the ability to follow the convolutions of this wayward plot?<\/b> You put in the work, you memorized the names, and maybe you even checked the wiki when you got lost. And for all of that effort, your big reward is the ability to clearly understand that the storyteller has lost their mind.<\/p>\n

The game made a big show of that initial history lesson, but now we’re halfway through the game and it turns out that all of that intrigue, politicking, and statecraft is just background noise in a story about collecting magic rocks and enchanted swords.\u00a0<\/p>\n

It’s like spending hours on a jigsaw puzzle, and then you finally stand back and realize you’re building a Dick Butt<\/a>.<\/p>\n

The Final Fantasy Draft XII<\/h3>\n

Like I said way back in part 5<\/a>, I’m not a fan of anyone in our main party. Our heroes seem to always be the least interesting people in the room. They’re gloomy, directionless, and they make almost no effort to hook up with each other.\u00a0We get several guests during the course of the game – Vossler, Larsa, and Reddas – and without exception they’re more interesting than the people in our party. <\/p>\n

So let’s dump these losers back into free agency and select a new main party from the available characters.\u00a0How will the plot work with new leads? Wouldn’t a new cast require an all-new plot? <\/p>\n

To which I say: Shut up and I don’t care. <\/em><\/p>\n

Here are my picks:<\/p>\n

Ondore<\/h3>\n

Balthier is so proud of his airship, but the Strahl has nothing on the Garland.<\/div>
Balthier is so proud of his airship, but the Strahl has nothing on the Garland.<\/div><\/p>\n

Obviously<\/b> we gotta have Ondore on the team. Look at that magnificent outfit. His outfit is actually a little too stylish and non-insane for a Final Fantasy team, but I’ll allow it. He would be the Gandalf of the group. He’d chime in at the end of debates between the other characters to drop some nugget of wisdom on the kids and remind them of some important guiding truth.<\/p>\n

When it comes to combat, I assume he’d thwap monsters with that sweet cane.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Al-Cid Margrace<\/h3>\n

DEAL WITH IT<\/div>
DEAL WITH IT<\/div><\/p>\n

I almost had to disqualify Al-Cid on account of him being too cool to join the party. He’s witty, stylish, sexy, and he’s a head of stateIs he THE head, or just A head of state? I can’t remember.<\/span> of the one non-evil superpower in the world. He’s so powerful and glamorous that he’s going to wind up being the central protagonist unless we handle him very carefully. This is supposed to be an ensemble piece, so you can’t just let one character steal the show.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Mjrn<\/h3>\n

Hey Babe, can I buy you a vowel? You don't seem to have one in your name.<\/div>
Hey Babe, can I buy you a vowel? You don't seem to have one in your name.<\/div><\/p>\n

I’ll be honest, I’m not crazy about the Viera (the bunny girls) in this game. At first glance they seem to be trying WAY too hard in the fanservice department. But then you get to know them and you realize they’re actually incredibly boring.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I’m not against fanservice characters! Far from it. I just think that you ruin it if you make the fanservice too overt. Moreover every character needs some depth, regardless of how fun they are to look at.\u00a0<\/p>\n

But swapping Fran for Mjrn will at least give us a more interesting bunny-girl. Fran is old, wise, quiet, and (worst of all) has no arc. She has no chemistry with anyone on the team, not even her supposed BFF Balthier. Mjrn is young, which gives her room for emotional outbursts, personal growth, and a sense of wonder at the world around her.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Larsa<\/h3>\n

Is Larsa trying to prevent a war, or start one? I don't think he cares, he just wants to create chaos.<\/div>
Is Larsa trying to prevent a war, or start one? I don't think he cares, he just wants to create chaos.<\/div><\/p>\n

Oops. I didn’t mean to have Larsa on the team. I was saving this spot for Curly, but Larsa snuck in here while I wasn’t looking.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Still, I like the story suggested by having both Larsa and Al-Cid in the same party. These two sons of warring nations get together and scheme to avert armageddon, like a geopolitical version of the Parent Trap.<\/p>\n

Supinelu<\/h3>\n

In the game, Supinelu is text-only, not voiced. I've always imagined him being muffled and barely comprehensible through the mask.<\/div>
In the game, Supinelu is text-only, not voiced. I've always imagined him being muffled and barely comprehensible through the mask.<\/div>
\nNow, we already have a Gandalf on the team. That puts a noble savage<\/a> like Supinelu in a tough spot. We can’t have two people trying to be the voice of wisdom and reason in the party.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I suggest that maybe we take Supinelu in a slightly different direction and make him quiet and mysterious. We can recycle Kimahri’s character from Final Fantasy X<\/a>: He barely speaks. When he does speak, he says something surprising. And at some point in our journey we’ll come across his homeland and he’ll have to sort out some messy tribal politics.<\/p>\n

Drace<\/h3>\n

We finally have an ex-judge on the team! Wooo!<\/div>
We finally have an ex-judge on the team! Wooo!<\/div><\/p>\n

I’ll admit that Drace doesn’t give us a lot to work with. But the party so far – and indeed the game itself – is a massive sausage fest and if we don’t put some females on the team then we end up with FFXV’s “no girls allowed” club. And that sucks.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I suppose Drace can show up in full armor during Act I and the story can act like this is a dude. And the audience is like, “Are you kidding? Just listen to that voice. This is so obviously a woman.” And then at the halfway point we’ll have a big scene where Drace removes her helmet and all the characters are like, “No way! I totally had no idea this person was female! My worldview is so challenged!” And we can pat ourselves on the back for being such clever writers.<\/p>\n

Also, Drace will need a personality, backstory, personal goals, etc etc.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Reddas<\/h3>\n

We finally have a sky pirate on the team! Wooo!<\/div>
We finally have a sky pirate on the team! Wooo!<\/div><\/p>\n

My personal preference would be to have the party be a little more even between males and females. But we have to pick from the characters in front of us. And unless we want another bunny girl on the team, there aren’t any more voiced female characters left in Final Fantasy XII.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Besides, there’s no way we can leave the Pirate King<\/a> on the table. If we’re drafting a fun party, then this guy has to be on the team.\u00a0<\/p>\n

So Now What?<\/h3>\n

Praise the sun!<\/div>
Praise the sun!<\/div><\/p>\n

You might argue that it would be hard to make a sensible story out of this collection of misfits. I suppose that’s true, but I don’t see that’s all that different from how things are now. If the story is going to be an incoherent mess either way, then at least we should experience it through a group of energetic and interesting characters. Maybe we can get some of these idiots to flirt with each other so the shippers have something to work with.<\/p>\n

So that’s it. This is basically everything I have to say about Final Fantasy XII. I have one last entry next week where I engage in a little heresy, and then my part in this adventure is over.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This week the Rocketeer takes us on the long journey through the Mosphoran Highwaste, across the Salikawood, over the Phon Coast, to the Tchita Uplands, into the Sochen Cave Palace, and to many other places I can’t be bothered to look up on the wiki now that they’ve all blurred together in my mind. While […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[612],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-54080","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-retrospectives"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54080","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=54080"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54080\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":54091,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54080\/revisions\/54091"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=54080"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=54080"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=54080"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}