<\/div>Our new digs from now on, Nalbina Dungeon, is actually just the fortress from the prologue, repurposed as a hole to throw unsavories into. Seems Amalia wasn’t taken here; Vaan awakens next to Balthier, while Fran is already off casing the joint. Nalbina being more of the \u201cGitmo\u201d type of prison than the \u201cShawshank\u201d type, the cast languish in wasting obscurity for the rest of their days, because FFXII is a bold work, unafraid to buck clich\u00e9.<\/p>\n
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What actually happens is that Vaan and Balthier get into a scuffle with three pig people called Seeq. These Seeq can only speak in horrible guttural roars, despite every other Seeq in the game being fully articulate. Y’all racist, Squeenix! After the pigs are beaten up, the pair take cover as a group of Imperials come out onto a balcony overhead. With them are the Bangaa (lizard-man) bounty hunters led by Ba’Gamnan, apparently come looking for Balthier, whom the Imperials intend to, uh, let Ba’Gamnan walk out with? Because Balthier has a bounty on him, apparently? Question: if not the Imperials, who’s offering this bounty? Even if it isn’t them, why would they give him their prisoner? The soldier in charge rightly tells Ba’Gamnan to go fuck himself, but before the lizard can carve him up, a man clad all in armor,His armor is a dead ringer for the armor worn by the Judges in Final Fantasy Tactics Advance. He’s also featured in the game’s series-signature title art<\/a>. The message is crystal clear: this guy fucks.<\/span> Judge Magister Gabranth, marches in and gets everyone back to official business. The Judges are essentially this game’s Foxhound, and Gabranth is chief among them. While Boba Fett and Darth Vader are chatting up on the balcony, Chewbacca sneaks up and says she’s found a way out for Han and… uh… Who the fuck is Vaan in the Star Wars analogy, again? R2-D2? Does that make Penelo C-3PO? Makes sense, given she’d have to penguin-walk like Anthony Daniels in those fucking boots…<\/p>\n AAAAAaaaaanyway, Fran says they can get out through the oubliette, but the magic on the door is beyond \u201cher talents.\u201d These \u201ctalents\u201d will, in fact, never be showcased in the game, ever, and whenever the Viera sensitivity to magic phenomena comes up in the game, it tends to work against them. She is also one of the party’s worst casters, stat-wise, and the worst archer despite the game nudging her into an archer role.Fran’s animation for firing a bow takes slightly longer than every other character’s. Balthier is also slower with guns, despite being the default gun wielder. I have no fucking idea what they were thinking with this.<\/span> Character! Luckily, a large group of our heavily-armed captors seem to be headed that way, and we should be able to easily slip into the most high-security area right behind them, a plan that wouldn’t be suicide if we had all of our equipment.<\/p>\n As luck would have it, all of our equipment would just happen to be in an unlocked, unguarded side room in a hall adjoining the room we were just in, along with a map of the whole joint. This includes that crystal we happened to steal from Rabanastre Palace, by the way: the \u201cGoddess Magicite,\u201d the game calls it. I’ve got to say, of all the JRPG prison breaks I’ve been party to\u2014 and let me tell you, I’m a damn expert on this subject\u2014 this may be the laziest and most token I’ve seen. There is never, at any point, an attempt to make it seem like you might actually be, you know, imprisoned.<\/p>\n Canonically, you begin sneaking just steps behind Darth Gabranth, but it doesn’t matter if you have a raging gun battle with every Archadian on the way. Not a complaint, not a complaint! We already had a brief forced-stealth section in Rabanastre Palace and I think that’ll last me to the credits. And yes, it turns out that getting into the oubliette is as simple as wandering in behind them after they open the magicked (yet otherwise totally unguarded) door.<\/p>\n Once within, Gabranth has a nice little chat with the lone prisoner caged there: none other than the late Captain Basch, kingslayer to Dalmasca and kinslayer to Vaan. Their conversation doesn’t mean much at the moment, but I’ll come back to it once it’s relevant. Ooooh believe me, I’ve got a rant cooking.<\/p>\n Once Gabranth wanders away, the crew saunters up to Leia there and realizes that Fran’s \u201cway out\u201d is more of a \u201cbottomless chasm.\u201d Considering there’s no possible way she could’ve actually scouted this out, we really shouldn’t be surprised that the notorious prison does not, in fact, have a convenient fire escape. While the crew ponders their next move, Basch chimes in with, \u201cHey, you know, if you guys are breaking out, I mean, Iiiiii’m a prisoner, yooooou’re prisoners… wouldn’t mind if I, you know…\u201d Vaan throws a complete shitfit, jumps on his cage like a monkey, and lays on some, shall we say, pointed<\/i> accusations. This is actually totally appropriate, and works perfectly well for Vaan’s character. It just unfortunately highlights how terrible his voice acting is, with any emotion besides mild interest sounding wooden and strained.<\/p>\n Equally unfortunately, the huge gaggle of soldiers in the next room over start wondering about Basch’s conspicuous and untimely reinstatement of visitation privileges, and begins scrambling back in. Starved for options, Fran kicks the lever for raising Basch’s cage off the retaining gear, and the group rides that summabitch as it freefalls a few hundred feet down, the bemused Gabranth looking on.<\/p>\n Fortunately for the party, the cage’s airbags deployed at the bottom (Nabradian craftsmanship, I tell ya, they don’t make ’em like that no more) and they go about their merry way. Vaan tries to resume his shitfit from above, but Balthier tells him to pipe his pipsqueak ass down. This sticks until they stop for a short rest midway out of the tunnels they’ve landed in. A spot of namecalling leads Basch to proclaim his innocence, saying that he was abducted at the battle of Nalbina, and it was his brother, Gabranth himself, who assumed his identity and betrayed the king.<\/p>\n Now, a lot of folks have understandably voiced disdain for the whole \u201cevil twin\u201d aspect. But you know what?<\/p>\n I can take that. It’s fantasy. Whatever.<\/p>\n But there are far worse things about this whole plot; clich\u00e9 is one thing, but this trick is a fatal assault on logic itself.<\/i><\/p>\n Here’s the Empire’s grand plan: there is no real treaty at Nalbina, and they kill King Raminas of Dalmasca as soon as he gets settled in for the signing. Then, they… what? Intentionally spread a rumor that this was their plan? Basch heard that shit from retreating allies on the way there. By chance. Were they spies? Was that just Imperial social engineering? They do have<\/i> to have Basch there, since I doubt they keep too many evil twins on their Judge staff. Maybe Drace’s sister works a fruit stand in Muthru, I’unno. So what if Basch hadn’t gone to Nalbina? Or what if he’d told anyone or everyone<\/i> he could what was happening, possibly trying to gather as many reinforcements as he could before rerouting to Nalbina? Can’t spare a couple runners, Captain? But okay, they correctly predict that Basch accepts there’s not a second to waste and immediately sets out for Nalbina with only a beleaguered, demoralized skeleton crew and before telling anyone else.<\/p>\n![<b>Balthier:<\/b> ''Fran, it's the day we've dreaded. The gaol. The hoosegow. The calaboose. You know what to do: get our list of missable items, abilities, and quest flags ready for our escape. We don't want another Karnak situation.''](\"https:\/\/upload.wikimedia.org\/wikipedia\/en\/2\/27\/Final_Fantasy_XII_Box_Art.png\" "<b>Balthier:<\/b> ''Fran, it's the day we've dreaded. The gaol. The hoosegow. The calaboose. You know what to do: get our list of missable items, abilities, and quest flags ready for our escape. We don't want another Karnak situation.''")
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