{"id":39012,"date":"2017-06-07T04:22:06","date_gmt":"2017-06-07T08:22:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/?p=39012"},"modified":"2017-06-28T02:44:52","modified_gmt":"2017-06-28T06:44:52","slug":"nan-o-war-ch13-fleebiscuit","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/?p=39012","title":{"rendered":"Nan o&#8217; War CH13: Debrisbiscuit"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>So I think I&#8217;ve grasped the core strategy behind winning naval battles, if strategy&#8217;s not too grandiose a word for &#8220;having some bombs.&#8221; And now that I&#8217;ve got a ship that wasn&#8217;t designed for running mail, I&#8217;m happy to get past all this fussy tutorial-area low-grade busywork and just <em>get to the horse racing already. <\/em>I mean, what gives? I&#8217;m hours into this 17th century pirate sandbox and I haven&#8217;t seen one goddamn racetrack yet.<\/p>\n<p>But oh boy, I sure have been hearing about &#8220;the races&#8221; from every single Suspicious Man I&#8217;ve been to thus far. It is literally the first dialogue I encountered in the game. Like, here&#8217;s a small sample of things I learned <em>after<\/em> I found out that the Caribbean(!)&#8217;s secret underground racing circuit was being held in Fort Jacob:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Where to hire a crew<\/li>\n<li>Where to find jobs<\/li>\n<li>How most of my skills work<\/li>\n<li>How to sail a ship<\/li>\n<li>How to fire a cannon<\/li>\n<li>That I have made a terrible mistake<\/li>\n<li>What a &#8220;hanger&#8221; is<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>So you know what? Let&#8217;s see what the fuss is all about. Get ready to watch some nameless awkwardly-costumed NPCs trot around a track and bet imaginary money on the arbitrary outcome, because that is almost certainly what we&#8217;re in for. I mean, did they just have a track they used for testing horses and they figured they might as well&#8212;<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_150.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>Weevil my biscuits, they actually made a racing minigame. They took a clunky knight simulator and made a clunkier pirate simulator and then threw in a <em>racing minigame. <\/em>Obviously, we are going to drop everything we&#8217;re doing and play the racing minigame.<\/p>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<p>First I&#8217;ll need supplies. As I&#8217;ve yet to meet a horse who had the unflappable determination it takes to be a sailor, I have not invested my limited capital in a steed. Fortunately, there&#8217;s a <del>gently pre-owned<\/del> horse dealer in town. So which of these noble beasts will accompany me to victory?<\/p>\n<p>Or we could go with this one.<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_151.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>Like me, she doesn&#8217;t look like much. More importantly, and <em>also <\/em>like me, she has very little objective value. For this reason she is my Huckleberry. Stick with me, kid&#8211;we&#8217;ll go far. We just won&#8217;t go <em>fast. A<\/em>lso, I am probably not going to leave this island with you. In fact, I&#8217;d bet on you being back here inside of like an hour.<\/p>\n<p>What <em>are <\/em>the rules, anyhow?<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_152.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>It turns out, pretty straightforward. There&#8217;s three races, each race is harder than the last one, and the more races you win the more money you make. Also, while it&#8217;s made clear nobody will actually die, fighting the other jockeys is totally permitted. I&#8217;m guessing that was always the developer&#8217;s plan, but I kinda want to believe someone almost got fired on this hill. &#8220;Double-dag-dangit! The rights for 2003 historical drama <em>Seabiscuit <\/em>were within our grasp, but no, you assholes wanted to make a <em>pirate <\/em>total conversion of <em>Mount and<\/em> <em>Blade<\/em>! And now you want to add combat? Have you even <em>seen <\/em>the movie <em>Seabiscuit<\/em>?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_153.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>You know, I shouldn&#8217;t be surprised if pirates raced at some point in history. I&#8217;d even believe they raced horses, like, as the opening ceremony of some epic Bahamian horse barbecue. I&#8217;m not sure I believe they ever committed to staking out an illegal racecourse, complete with dangling pennants and bleachers. We are one level of dubious history away from a provocatively-dressed race girl and a side ramp you can jump for a shortcut.<\/p>\n<p>How about we let the actual racers with actual horses take the lead and spend this run checking out the course.<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_154.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>Wow. They really went all out on this location, I gotta hand it to them. They&#8217;ve got the distant sails and the lighthouse that fell over in one piece and everything. The effect isn&#8217;t &#8220;pirate steeplechase&#8221; so much as &#8220;pirate mini golf,&#8221; but it&#8217;s something to look at.<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_156.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>And that&#8217;s&#8230;a bigger ship than I&#8217;ve seen so far in the regular game? I think that&#8217;s actually part of the track.<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_155.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Stefan. Yeah, it&#8217;s 3AM, sorry. You know that cluster of rocks at the midway bend of the horse race? I had this idea, and it woke me up, so I need to say it out loud before the magic is gone. So we take our hanging lantern model with the chains and the weird half-assed lattice, then we scale it up like a hundred times, then we take one of our dancing girl models and just throw in there and let her do her thing. No. No, not like she&#8217;s a big fire&#8211;like the lantern&#8217;s a cage. It&#8217;s like she&#8217;s dancing in a&#8212;Stefan. Stefan. Stop squealing. I know it&#8217;s a good idea, Stefan. I know it&#8217;s a good idea. Stefan, you&#8217;re waking my ferrets.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_157.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>And yeah. There it is. You know, the funny thing is, I think if I tried that jump with this horse I&#8217;d fall straight into the water. I&#8217;ll have to catch up some other way! Maybe there&#8217;s a treasure chest full of powerups I can ride over! A Cannonball William, perhaps!<\/p>\n<p>You know what? I&#8217;ve seen enough. Let&#8217;s just take this whole race from the top.<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_158.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>Same horse, same course, same opponents. This time, though, I&#8217;ve got a strategy.<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_159.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>Well. Maybe &#8220;strategy&#8221; is too grandiose a word.<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_160.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>Now, is my whole game plan to throw bombs at the other riders? No. No, it is not. I&#8217;m actually aiming for the <em>horses.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_161.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>See, this is the body language of a guy realizing he brought a horse to a bomb race.<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_162.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>This screenshot&#8217;s actually really misleading. No, I did <em>not <\/em>explosively unhorse my fellow racers just so I could cut them down as they staggered deaf and bloodied into my path. I actually rode right past them. That way whichever one survives the inevitable, painful, and completely pointless second-place brawl gets to agonizingly shuffle the whole length of the course while I breeze ahead to an easy first place.<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_163.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>I think I could give that a try, yes. Although they&#8217;re not letting me break to buy more grenades, which&#8212;personally&#8212;I find just a little bit unsporting of them. I&#8217;ll just have to make do with such bombs as remain.<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_164.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>Look at the guy&#8217;s thousand-yard stare as I casually fish my grenades out of my jacket pocket. Yeah. You know they sell these right next door? Check your local sporting goods armory!<\/p>\n<p>Hey. Oh, wow.<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_165.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>They reset my character between rounds&#8212;like <em>Mount and Blade <\/em>does during tournaments. But <em>Mount and Blade <\/em>never had any single-use items.<\/p>\n<p>I got my grenades back.<\/p>\n<p>Did you guys hear me? I said I got my grenades&#8211;<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_166.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>Yeah, they heard.<\/p>\n<p>To put it mildly, their horses are faster than mine. I manage to tag the two stragglers, but the lead quickly becomes a dot on the horizon. I&#8217;m basically never catching up to him.<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_167.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>Fortunately, I know a shortcut.<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_168.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>Just through the starting line here. Hey, race fans, back in a few. I&#8217;ll be happy to autograph such bloody scraps as you collect in the meantime.<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_169.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>(whistles)<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_170.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>Nice stretch of track here, but it&#8217;s just a bit too dark. What they could use is a magically-floating torch to brighten things up.<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_171.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>Yeah, see, right idea, wrong place. They don&#8217;t do much good when you fix them to thin air <em>in direct sunlight<\/em>, geniuses.<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_172.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>Well, here&#8217;s a likely spot. Nothing to do now but kick back, light a pipe, and wait for the hoofbeats.<\/p>\n<p><div class='imagefull'><img src='https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/images\/bg_173.png' width=100% alt='' title=''\/><\/div><div class='mouseover-alt'><\/div><\/p>\n<p>Oh! There they are.<\/p>\n<p>&#8212;<\/p>\n<p>Some time later, I return to the horse traders and slap the flank of my saddle horse proudly. &#8220;Got a horse for sale!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Isn&#8217;t that the horse I just sold you?&#8221; asks the proprietor.<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;This, sir, is the fastest racehorse in the New World.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Yeah? I&#8217;ll give you 51 piastres for her.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Sold.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p><strong>NEXT WEEK: SKULL DRUDGERY<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>So I think I&#8217;ve grasped the core strategy behind winning naval battles, if strategy&#8217;s not too grandiose a word for &#8220;having some bombs.&#8221; And now that I&#8217;ve got a ship that wasn&#8217;t designed for running mail, I&#8217;m happy to get past all this fussy tutorial-area low-grade busywork and just get to the horse racing already. [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[242],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-39012","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-lets-play"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39012","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=39012"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39012\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=39012"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=39012"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=39012"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}