{"id":35727,"date":"2016-11-30T01:02:18","date_gmt":"2016-11-30T06:02:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/?p=35727"},"modified":"2016-11-30T01:03:10","modified_gmt":"2016-11-30T06:03:10","slug":"master-of-firin-sword-ch3-knight-errands","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/?p=35727","title":{"rendered":"Master of Firin’ Sword CH3: Knight Errands"},"content":{"rendered":"

After many trackless miles slouching over the neck of Erik, my horse, I’ve concluded that he is truly owed a grander share of the credit for my accomplishments. The success of the wanderer is measured in miles, and it is no exaggeration to say that everything I have in life – every blessing Poland has yielded to me – I owe to his tireless and patient tread.<\/p>\n

And what do <\/em>I have in life? A musket, a suit, and ten coins.<\/p>\n

Erik, consider yourself placed on notice. You are a disappointing horse and you are jeopardizing my career.<\/p>\n

From now on, I will introduce you not as my 'associate,' but merely my 'colleague.' Starting with this looter I'm about to shoot.<\/div>
From now on, I will introduce you not as my 'associate,' but merely my 'colleague.' Starting with this looter I'm about to shoot.<\/div><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I cross the river to the beautiful and dignified village of note to self – <\/em>look up later – poland can’t spell,<\/em> whose simple folk busy themselves note to self – look up what farmer does <\/em>in peaceful innocence. For a moment, my tender heart regrets that I’ve come to disturb that peace and perturb that innocence. But they have a lawless murderer among them, and justice will not be served until I shoot him dead and then receive payment for doing so.<\/p>\n

I draw myself up as I rode to confront the brigand. “Are you, sir, the infamous outlaw note to self – can’t remember name look up, <\/em>whose crimes will echo throughout history?”<\/p>\n

The bandit swallows, his eyes bulging at one glimpse of my Fanny. “Sir, surely I’m no harm to anyone.”<\/p>\n

“Nonsense! I’m <\/em>frightened of you.”<\/p>\n

“Please, sir. I’m sure we can work this out…”<\/p>\n

“I am confident this is the case.”<\/p>\n

He throws up his arms as I level my musket and blast lead shot straight through him.<\/p>\n

<\/div>
<\/div><\/p>\n

The gunsmoke clears. He chokes, gurgles. Reaches down gingerly to touch the bloody hole on his chest. Looks back up at me.<\/p>\n

“Ah,” I say.<\/p>\n

“You bastard<\/em>,” he growls. I did shoot him in the chest<\/em>? That is where the organs <\/em>are vaulted? I thought I was clear on this–<\/p>\n

“Here now,” I say, as he seizes his axe handle. “Let’s…”<\/p>\n

<\/div>
<\/div><\/p>\n

“Sir, we are civilized men!” I shout over my horse’s protests as I charge bravely away.<\/p>\n

“I’m going to hack your bloody head off!”<\/p>\n

“Well, I don’t want you to do that!”<\/p>\n

“Swedish dog!”<\/p>\n

“Yes, well…!” I don’t have a comeback, but I do finally have the damn coarse grains in, which is better <\/em>than a counterargument. I see the man’s face burn with rage as I ride at him, raise my barrel, and let my Fanny’s blast split the air.<\/p>\n

When the smoke clears, he is…<\/p>\n

<\/div>
<\/div><\/p>\n

…ah…<\/em><\/p>\n

“You can’t run forever!” he roars, bloody and sweaty and jogging after the beleaguered Erik.<\/p>\n

“Yes, but I can keep shooting <\/em>forever, for…several more shots!”<\/p>\n

“Take your best bloody shot!”<\/p>\n

“I will! In…just…” I fire again.<\/p>\n

“Missed again!”<\/p>\n

“Well, just let me know when I’ve hit<\/em>, then!”<\/p>\n

I see no reason to subject you to a tedious accounting of exactly<\/em> how many shots I fired. The outcome is what matters: a shot that I fired hit him again, and my victory was made manifest.<\/p>\n

May my triumphs be all so glorious.<\/div>
May my triumphs be all so glorious.<\/div><\/p>\n

Yes, I truly have made a name for myself this day. More specifically: “Lucas Andersson.” I made the village chronicler read it back to me twice.<\/p>\n

'That's right, yes. And if you don't ever hear of me again, assume that I've been killed by THIS man's bosom companion, the renowned folk hero Rutger Skarsgà\u00a5rd.<\/div>
'That's right, yes. And if you don't ever hear of me again, assume that I've been killed by THIS man's bosom companion, the renowned folk hero Rutger Skarsgà\u00a5rd.<\/div><\/p>\n

Some short while later I arrive at Snechko with writs in hand. I designate one barn the Taxes Barn and impel all law-abiding citizens to deposit their tribute therein. Some time into the mooing and grousing, a man comes to me with cap in hand and pleads for more lenient rates. But I am a stern and scrupulous man, and I will have none of it. I will not settle for one thaler less than these fellows rightfully owe the lord who should be collecting this.<\/p>\n

<\/div>
<\/div><\/p>\n

It’s a curious thing, but have any of you noticed the way silver tarnish smells remarkably of urine?<\/p>\n

NEXT WEEK: BEHOLD MY RETINUE<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

After many trackless miles slouching over the neck of Erik, my horse, I’ve concluded that he is truly owed a grander share of the credit for my accomplishments. The success of the wanderer is measured in miles, and it is no exaggeration to say that everything I have in life – every blessing Poland has […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[242],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-35727","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-lets-play"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35727","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=35727"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35727\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=35727"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=35727"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=35727"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}