{"id":16631,"date":"2016-02-19T17:11:26","date_gmt":"2016-02-19T22:11:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/?p=16631"},"modified":"2016-02-21T18:11:38","modified_gmt":"2016-02-21T23:11:38","slug":"swtor-legend-of-hipstar-2back-2-school","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/?p=16631","title":{"rendered":"SWTOR: Legend of Hipstar 2:Back 2 School"},"content":{"rendered":"
By popular demand, I’ve added mouseover text to the images, which is routine today but wasn’t part of my shtick back in 2012, when this was originally written. I don’t really remember these scenes very well, but I’ve done what I could.<\/p>\n

Anyway, back to 2012… <\/p><\/div>\n

So having blown an entire entry<\/em> on character creation. I think we’re finally ready to start this game. One final note is that I’m not going to try to color-correct and adjust the levels on all of these screenshots. If BioWare wants to make a world of plastic figures, bathe them in flat lighting, and smear a color filter over the whole thing, that’s their business. <\/p>\n

I think the medium blues act as a nice contrast against the slightly-above-medium blues.<\/div>
I think the medium blues act as a nice contrast against the slightly-above-medium blues.<\/div><\/p>\n

The Star Wars theme swells as my shuttle descends towards the Jedi academy. As a padawan, I’m here to complete my training. Presumably I’m arriving from some sort of Jedi middle school. <\/p>\n

The shuttle touches down as the music builds and I ascend the ramp to meet my new master. <\/p>\n

This is how I always stand when getting off a bus: Heels together, head up, and my back straight like someone just shoved my practice saber into the dark side.<\/div>
This is how I always stand when getting off a bus: Heels together, head up, and my back straight like someone just shoved my practice saber into the dark side.<\/div><\/p>\n

This is supposed to be an epic moment, but I’m realizing now that this is basically, “Dude gets off the bus at college for the first time” with a John Williams soundtrack. <\/p>\n

I meet my new master. Or somebody’s master. I don’t know. He’s a Jedi. We welcomes me to the academy. Just to push his buttons a bit I lay on the padawan swagger. I trash-talk my old teachers, I’m impatient with him, and then I tell him study and meditation is boring. If he had a brain he’d nonchalantly reach under his console and start thumbing the big red alarm button labeled “SITH!”. At the very least he should hit me with something along the lines of, “Not cool, bro.” <\/p>\n

But no. He’s practically apologizing for being so dull. <\/p>\n

Whoops. Sorry about that. My head tilted to side side for a second there. Almost made it look like I was emoting!<\/div>
Whoops. Sorry about that. My head tilted to side side for a second there. Almost made it look like I was emoting!<\/div><\/p>\n

Orientation is interrupted when teacher-guy gets a call on his 3G iHolocron. Aparently the academy grounds are under assault by Fleshraiders. As a newly arrived student with a plastic sword, he sends me to check it out. See, the other students mostly don’t have any combat training. <\/p>\n

I want to point out that a few years ago the Sith showed up and delivered a galactic-sized smackdown to the Jedi<\/a>, slaughtering a heaping pile of them in the process. In fact, that’s why we’re here on Tython on not training at the capital. The opening crawl even tells us:<\/p>\n

Turns out this is a typo. The plan is actually to 'train a new generation of gardeners.'<\/div>
Turns out this is a typo. The plan is actually to 'train a new generation of gardeners.'<\/div><\/p>\n

So after getting our asses handed to us in a surprise attack we’ve decided to round up a bunch of kids, put robes on them, and not give them combat training? Is there any possible future where this won’t end with them all dead? <\/p>\n

Whatever. Let’s head to the front and see what this Flesh Raider attack is all about. No, hang on, I have to stop and re-bind my keys. It doesn’t save your keys when you change characters, so if you don’t use the default bindings then you must reset them for Every. Single. Character. I strongly believe that A and D should never, ever TURN left or right, and that this is a retrograde setup that borders on heresy. So I have to fix that and a couple of other small details. <\/p>\n

Okay. NOW we can leave. Let’s see what’s going on at the platform. <\/p>\n

Sure enough, monster-faced space creeps are attacking the platform in waves. <\/p>\n

I have to go out and kill fifteen of these flesh raider guys. I’m still carrying my plastic glowstick practice weapon. Nobody offers me anything more appropriate for live combat. That’s not what’s bothering me. This is:<\/p>\n

Hey! We all wore the exact same robes today! And we brought the same lightsabers! And we have the same haircut, age, and gender! What are the odds?<\/div>
Hey! We all wore the exact same robes today! And we brought the same lightsabers! And we have the same haircut, age, and gender! What are the odds?<\/div><\/p>\n

So… four Jedi Masters with lightsabers will stand at the wall and kill the occasional raider, while the students with practice swords leave the defensive fortifications to go and kill the massed enemies in the open field? <\/p>\n

There are another seven Jedi up on the walls, guarding crates and empty buildings. (This is in addition to the class trainers, the quest-giver, and the Jedi that greeted me on the way in. I give those guys a pass since they have some gameplay purpose.) <\/p>\n

Look, I get it. This is a videogame. An MMO even. We have to accept a certain degree of slop to allow for player characters to shine. But does it need to be quite this dumb? Can we get rid of ten out of these eleven idle Jedi? There’re all nameless copy-pasted clones of each other, so it’s not like someone’s finely crafted characters will go to waste. It will at least help sell the fiction that the Jedi are short-handed. There is no purpose to these extra guys beyond making everything seem dumber. <\/p>\n

At the very least, remove the idle crate-guarding JEDI MASTERS and replace them with unarmed students. Then the ones out front are actually guarding somebody in need of protection. <\/p>\n

Anyway, let’s go kill Flesh Raiders.<\/p>\n

I get why I have a practice saber. (Sort of.) But why do FLESH RAIDERS have practice sabers?<\/div>
I get why I have a practice saber. (Sort of.) But why do FLESH RAIDERS have practice sabers?<\/div><\/p>\n

I’m really looking forward to getting my lightsaber.<\/p>\n

While I’m running around in the field, I find this crappy makeshift wooden cage, which either contains a guy or a girl, depending on whether you believe the character model or the subtitles. This gives me a quest to run around and free some of the students in other cages.<\/p>\n

Look, even though she's dead I think I should still get credit for opening the cage. I did MY part. It's not my fault she doesn't escape.<\/div>
Look, even though she's dead I think I should still get credit for opening the cage. I did MY part. It's not my fault she doesn't escape.<\/div><\/p>\n

Each cage is guarded by three or four Flesh Raiders. I’m really glad the game is balanced so that you fight groups of foes instead of singles. It means people with area powers get to use them outside of groups, it makes battles slightly more interesting, it lets everyone get a sense of how crowd control works, and it fixes the absurdity of a single street thug being a match for a legendary warrior. <\/p>\n

How useless are these practice sabers? So useless that when the fleshraiders capture students, they don’t bother disarming the kids<\/strong>. It is a weapon so ineffectual, it’s safe to let prisoners keep it.<\/p>\n

I have to rescue six kids. As soon as I free the last one, the mission is complete and I get my reward.<\/p>\n

We don't want to give the students lightsabers! That might be dangerous! What if fleshraiders put them in a cage, and then they used their lightsaber to escape and fell down and broke a leg as they ran home? THINK OF THE CHILDREN!<\/div>
We don't want to give the students lightsabers! That might be dangerous! What if fleshraiders put them in a cage, and then they used their lightsaber to escape and fell down and broke a leg as they ran home? THINK OF THE CHILDREN!<\/div><\/p>\n

What? I get thirty credits and and a commendation token? From who? I’m still out in the field. Did the kid give them to me? Did Scotty beam them down? No, that’s Trek. I guess I’m not supposed to question it. Too late.<\/p>\n

Once I’ve filled the Raider-murder quota and freed six out of the dozen or so students, I head back to base. A nearby Jedi Master calls me over for a little fully-voiced, animated exchange with a dialog wheel, and we get to enjoy the product of combining BioWare-style mechanics with MMO-style environments…<\/p>\n

What are you doing, BioWare? Pull yourself together!<\/div>
What are you doing, BioWare? Pull yourself together!<\/div><\/p>\n

…which is other players standing around in your cutscenes. While I was talking to this quest-giver, another player ran in and stood directly between us. We continued conversing through his fully opaque head as if he wasn’t there, while in his own cutscene I was probably looming ominously over his shoulder. This doesn’t always happen. I don’t know. Maybe it’s a bug?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By popular demand, I’ve added mouseover text to the images, which is routine today but wasn’t part of my shtick back in 2012, when this was originally written. I don’t really remember these scenes very well, but I’ve done what I could. Anyway, back to 2012… So having blown an entire entry on character creation. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[242],"tags":[243,231],"class_list":["post-16631","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-lets-play","tag-hipstar","tag-swtor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16631","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=16631"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16631\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=16631"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=16631"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shamusyoung.com\/twentysidedtale\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=16631"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}