My greatest plan

By Shamus
on May 18, 2006
Filed under:
Nerd Culture

I’ve developed a brilliant concept for a superhero. My rise to fame is now inevitable. Work may halt on this blog while I build my merchandizing empire.

The hero is a throwback to the classic, bygone days of Golden Age comics. He’s big and brave and a true American. He wears red, white, and blue and always has time to fly over to the school, sign autographs and admonish the kids to “be good”.

He’s bulletproof, fireproof, he can fly, he’s super-strong, and he always carries a bottle of lighter fluid and his “Zippo of Justice”. He doesn’t fight super-villans. (Let’s face it: The other guys all have that game covered.) Instead, he hunts down spammers and sets them on fire. Once he’s roasted them alive, he kills their family and then impales their dog on a spike in front of the house as a warning to other spammers.

I’m calling him “The Broiler”. I’ve sent my idea off to Marvel along with some of my own concept art (note to self: Buy more red crayons) and now I’m just waiting to hear back from them.

I’m going to be rich!

Enjoyed this post? Please share!


is a programmer, an author, and nearly a composer. He works on this site full time. If you’d like to support him, you can do so via Patreon or PayPal.

1313 comments. That's a baker's dozen.

From the Archives:

  1. Ethan says:

    Whats up with the two morons firing guns in that picture? What kind of Rufus holds the pistol 6 inches from their face to fire it? They were obviously spammers, get em, Shield!

  2. Shamus says:

    Whoops. Posted the original and not my crudely photoshopped version. Fixed.

  3. Dan says:

    Why is he fire and bullet proof. you gotta get rid of one of the powers, it’s not fair to the guys who have bullets made of fire. if your gonna give him another superpower make it one that only assists him like…….. oh i don’t know make it somthing about ID theft and be done with it

  4. Shamus says:

    His super-weakness is that he uses AOL.

  5. Ubu Roi says:

    Ah, damn. And I was SO going to hire him until you said that. . . .

  6. Dan, why do we need to let spammers have a fair chance?

  7. Patrick says:

    Fair chance? Seriously who the heck thinks fat IT college dropouts carry guns? I doubt any of these dudes carry anything more life theatening than a sharpie. He wouldn’t need to be bulletproof, all his super power needs to be is that he cleans with a dry erase marker and is strong willed enough to turn down free 3 day trial subscriptions to pr0n sites and he’ll be fine. Bullet immunity and flame retardent are only necessary in case John Woo ever gets his hand on a script…..

  8. Eric says:

    Beware Broiler!!! Your arch nemesis THE KOOLER!!!!(duh duh duuuuuhhhhh) Im gonna kool you down with my evil brotherhood of spammers, and if you touch my dog I’ll jam your email accounts with the worst that spamming hast to offer: refinace your home at 3.5 % apr from ameritech, but to get this great offer you must purchase a couple subscriptions from the magazines listed below. (note to readers, it’s a scam. ssshhhhh!don’t tell anyone.) VENGEANCE IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MWA HAA… *cough* *hack* My Lungs!

  9. Eric says:

    Oh and ps If you find my cooler filled with my six pack of evil, please return it. you can mail it to my secret lair which is Three rivers cold storage, out on 68 towards evans city. and Thanks…yeah!

  10. Morrinn says:

    Shit, I’d buy that.

  11. MikeSSJ says:

    Why is he fire and bullet proof.

    Obviously, he’s fire-proof so he can resist the flaming that will undoubtedly be thrown his way eventually…

  12. Hipparchus says:

    Can there be a movie? Here is the preview:
    (Black screen, flaming text on a waving American flag, while a dramatic narrator takes the air)
    Narrator: In a world….where spammers fill inboxes with scams and banana diets….
    (Cut away to a fat cackling guy at his computer pressing “Send to Everyone I Stole The E-Mail Address Of” Button)
    (Cut back to the American flag with burning text)
    Narrator: There is a man….with his Zippo of Justice…
    (Cut away to the fat guy looking scared as a shadow comes over him, and a gloved hand turns on a liter)
    (Cut back to the American flag and text)
    Narrator:….will make the spammers PAY……it is….
    (Bursting out of the waving flag is the Broiler and large, flaming text appears on the screen)
    Narrator: THE BROILER!
    (Rated R, Coming to a theater near you 20XX)

One Trackback

  1. […] I think we need a more drastic solution. […]

Leave a Reply to MikeSSJ

Comments are moderated and may not be posted immediately. Required fields are marked *

*
*

Thanks for joining the discussion. Be nice, don't post angry, and enjoy yourself. This is supposed to be fun.

You can enclose spoilers in <strike> tags like so:
<strike>Darth Vader is Luke's father!</strike>

You can make things italics like this:
Can you imagine having Darth Vader as your <i>father</i>?

You can make things bold like this:
I'm <b>very</b> glad Darth Vader isn't my father.

You can make links like this:
I'm reading about <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darth_Vader">Darth Vader</a> on Wikipedia!

You can quote someone like this:
Darth Vader said <blockquote>Luke, I am your father.</blockquote>