Nan o’ War CH7: Flotsam and Regretsam

By Rutskarn
on Apr 12, 2017
Filed under:
Lets Play

Now that the last flatulent black-powder pop has dispersed in the wild Caribbean(!) breeze, it’s time to consolidate my ill-gotten profits. First there’s the grim but unfortunately necessary matter of triage–the Delight had a larger hold than my own vessel, so naturally I can’t take everything. I do the painful arithmetic and allocate the Boiled Sweet‘s storage space as efficiently as I can before throwing the leftovers overboard.

Having taken care of that, I give the Delight a crew and add it to my fleet.

Now–I suspect you’re wondering to yourself, what’s the point in moving half the Delight‘s treasure to my boat’s weensy waterlogged cargo hold, and straight-up pitching the balance into the ocean, if I’m keeping a ship that can demonstrably carry the entire load and in fact was doing so very happily until my administration took over?

It seems frustrating and immersion-breaking, but actually this is a well-researched inclusion on the part of the developers. Records kept by the Royal Navy attest that boarding and seizing an enemy ship was a tremendously exhausting practice, one universally dreaded and loathed, and that for the reserved men of the navy, the only surefire way to take the edge off was to play a few rounds of tennis in a regulation-size court. So while it’s a shame to clear out the Delight’s cargo hold, the modest loss of resources really is a small price to pay for a mentally well-adjusted crew of murderers.

Seriously, I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’m doing something wrong or the developers are, but I can’t seem to reverse the order of operations re: allocating hold space and adding hold space. Maybe I’ll figure this out later on, but for now, we’re gonna have to pitch a few crates of bermuda shorts.

I scooch my newly-leveled bad self into Grand Turk and set about liquidating. If I was smart, I think I’d probably keep the Delight as my flagship. Not that the word “cutter” puts the fear of God in fat merchantmen, but in terms of intimidation it’s hard to go down from “armed boat.” The name sets you down and explains, “Listen–unless you’re at war with some anchovies, or or the battle’s being held inside a bathtub, we’re probably not going to make a meaningful contribution.” Plus my hold size rules out any smuggling scenario that doesn’t begin, “you’ve got a fox, a sheep, and a head of lettuce.”

But, see, my short-term goals involve no actual seafaring. Mostly they involve stacking up with sweet gear and grinding the local Suspicious Man missionsHereafter referred to as ‘Spishie Mishies.’ until someone invests a cash register, then a machine that can make a cash register noise when I press a button, and then, perhaps, a pair of stunna shades. To that end, I’m selling the Delight and buying sharp stuff instead. Later for that “adequate watercraft” nonsense.

Ah, right where I needed him–a sketchy deep-pocketed bum glued to a chair in the corner of the town’s only tavern. So what’s on tap, oh pillar of the shitty community?

So follow this dandy around, glare at anyone who harasses him, and basically make him feel safe and welcome? Yeah, I can handle that. You sure you don’t want to randomly hire a boy band’s worth of backup thugs to help me out? I mean, it’s only money.

I’m kidding.

Well, I thought I was.

Actually, correction. These aren’t “thugs,” like my accomplices in what has already gone down as the the four hundred and seventy sixth worst mine-related fiasco in history. No, these fine gentlemen are “mercenaries.” The main differences seem to be an air of respectability, a lack of tacky bandannas, and also we’re all getting paid five thousand piastres less than that other job did. Seriously, if you’re adventurous, you could do a lot worse than get to the Caribbean(!) and ride this thug bubble. It’s gonna be ugly when it pops, but there’s plenty of money to make in the meantime.

All this really seems like overkill to protect one guy. Ah, well. Better too many guys than not enough.

NEXT WEEK: MASSACRE AT GRAND TURK

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Footnotes:

[1] Hereafter referred to as ‘Spishie Mishies.’


20525 comments. Hurry up and add yours before it becomes passé.

From the Archives:

  1. Jarenth says:

    All this really seems like overkill to protect one guy.

    *narrator voice* It was not.

  2. NoneCallMeTim says:

    Indeed, particularly since the title of the next episode is “NEXT WEEK: MASSACRE AT GRAND TURK”.

  3. KarmaTheAlligator says:

    So, wait, those jobs pay better than selling a whole armed boat? Something doesn’t add up.

  4. Daemian Lucifer says:

    Another escort mission?You really are a glutton for punishment.

    • Zak McKracken says:

      Seeing how easy the last “suspicious man” mission was, what could possibly go wrong, especially given that escort missions are usually the hardest things ever anyway?

      This is what will happen:
      1: Ruts will have trouble finding the damn guy to protect
      2: The stupid guy will run off faster than Ruts can run, right to his death, which may or may not involve enemies
      3: And _then_ there will be enemies (or more, if there were any beforehand). In weird places, doing weird things, and then Ruts dies. Also in very weird ways.

      I have honestly no idea why anyone would do this to themselves… dear Rutskarn seems to have become one of his own video protagonists.

  5. noahpocalypse says:

    I just noticed Lackbeard and I would have spit my drink out of my nose had I been drinking anything. Loving this series. It’s got just the right tone of macabre humor.

  6. John says:

    But, see, my short-term goals involve no actual seafaring. Mostly they involve stacking up with sweet gear and grinding the local Suspicious Man missions.

    Oh no. Why would you do that to yourself? Is the naval combat really so bad that you’d rather subject yourself to this? And do I dare ask what your long-term goals are?

  7. Agammamon says:

    ‘Alright Bosun, we’ve moved what we can, the Sweet’s hold is packed tight. And, for some reason, we’ve dumped the Delight’s excess overboard . . . so their owners get extra pissed at us?’

    ‘Good job lads! Now, you lot head back over with Mr. Johansen and get that ship following us. Its part of *Commodore Nan’s* fleet now’

    ‘Wait, if we’re taking the Delight as a prize, why did we do all that work to empty its hold?’

  8. Kylroy says:

    Going to guess those “Mercenaries” are, in fact, the people trying to kill the man you’re protecting.

    • NoneCallMeTim says:

      I’m going to guess those mercenaries are actually made of cardboard, and will die very quickly with Lackbeard only winning due to taking advantage of sundry bugs and using odd tactics.

  9. Dev Null says:

    The two most feared words in the Carribean: Escort Mission.

  10. DGM says:

    >> “until someone invests a cash register”

    You meant “invents,” I take it.

  11. Mr Compassionate says:

    Love this series, probably my favourite yet.

  12. sab says:

    So I’m wondering… is it the game itself that has this stretched out aspect ratio, or does Rutskarn just suck at resizing images? All the fonts and buttons (and “squares”) seem just a bit too wide.

    • Zak McKracken says:

      The ratio of most boxes in the UI, and also the gears (which should be circular) is 4:3 — that’s what you get if you resize an image from 4:3 to 16:9 — so my guess is that the game simply assumes a 4:3 monitor, then scales the image to cover the screen.

  13. rofltehcat says:

    I really dig this series.
    It satisfies my need for Mount&Blade without forcing me to suffer through it.

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