Half Time CH12: Potatoe Bug

By Rutskarn Posted Wednesday Dec 16, 2015

Filed under: Lets Play 15 comments

Leading up to the match that day, I’ve gone and got a nice shave, cleaned the more unruly and primitively intelligent heaps of rubbish out of my office, and fixed myself a healthy breakfast by picking the pig fat out of my Big Moot Number Nine. I’m feeling good about today. It’s a good day to lose to elves.

And they’re all good days from here on out, aren’t they? No debts to pay off. No falling axes to dodge. My meals are provided by the sponsor and my salary is fixed by pitifully grateful investors. Sure, our fans are a tad on the worrisome side, but I have worrisome people for that sort of thing. It’s just such a breath of fresh air to know there’s nothing on the other side of an all-gracious clobbering but a snack and a modest paycheck.

There’s a knock on my office door. Some of my calm crinkles; the knock came from groin height. “Come on, then,” I say.

Pervince skulks in; he’s got his fuck-offs strapped on and a king-sized black eye from the tender ministrations of the Scaryville Uggos. I wouldn’t say it makes him look intimidating; there’s not a lot color, texture, and form can do within the basic parameters of a halfling to have that effect.

And yet, images of a stunned werewolf spurting fat gobs of blood flicker uneasily in my head. I push my half-eaten sandwich aside. “Mister Potatoe. How are you liking the new helmet?”

“The spike comes in useful,” he says.

“You clean it after the match, right?”

“Nope.”

“Charming. Listen, I’ve been detecting a little tension in the locker room. I hope you’re here to straighten that out…”

“Do you think we’re going to win today?”

Never has such an easy question from such a ridiculous critter been so pregnant with foreboding. I take a moment to swallow my spit, check that I’ve got my brass knuckles in my drawerâ€"not that I’ll need them, just that I always like to have them on hand when I’m gambling.

“Nope,” I say, and let it ride. From his blank look, I break even.

“Of course not,” he says. “That doesn’t bother you, either.”

“You know, I can’t say it does.”

“So what happened to the big speech about us going out there and playing like champions? Was that about overcoming adversity or was bullshit just cheaper for you than kneepads?”

“You missed the point of that speech. You do play like champions. Then you lose. My position is that I’m happy with that. I think we’re all doing the best we can and I think it’s healthy to accept that’s not always going to be enough to take home a trophy. Still try, obviously, but…”

“Healthy,” says Pervince.

“Is that what I said? Yes. I think it’s healthy.”

“You didn’t look healthy when we were winning yesterday.”

I push the rest of my sandwich to him. “Listen, Perv, I don’t know what’s going through your lovingly concussed head right about now, but I don’t want you to lose. I just accept it’s likely. Don’t you?”

“Why should I?”

“Because you’re going to be crushed!”

“Maybe.” He takes my sandwich and goes to leave.

“Somebody has to be last place, Pervince,” I call before he slams the door.

When my hackles resettle, I take one last gawp at my plans for the dayâ€"my notes from the last time we went up against a wood elf team. Short notes in a shaky hand. Put the ball close to the line to give us a chance at it. Everything comes down to the toss. Use his nerves. KILL THE THROWER.

Well…it had worked last time. I wasn’t placing any bets either way. But if I did–Pervince’s confidence be damned–it wasn’t going to be on the boy alchemically indistinguishable from a honey ham.

 


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15 thoughts on “Half Time CH12: Potatoe Bug

  1. TraderRager says:

    So from what I’ve seen from your gameplay videos, Pervince is shaping up to be the Most Valuble Honey Ham in the league.

    I wonder when the Potatoe Heads will start filling the stands.

  2. Metal C0Mmander says:

    I just realised something. Considering halfling poor potential of getting out of a blood bowl game without injuries I figure most of those that do play really don’t have anything to lose. Even in the warhammer world being a halfling tend to mean you get a relatively decent life with lots of good food and not a lot of fighting. So I wager you player are either one of 2 things. Either they are incredibly naive or they are incredibly insane. It probably goes from the former to the later as they survive the matches.

    1. Zak McKracken says:

      …or it means they are just very very unhappy about the usual halfling stereotypes. Even with halflings being halflings, there must be some “Rambo” types in the population, and those must be so much angrier for the fact that everyone treats them like the cuddly creatures they collectively appear to be…

      My bet is that halfling bloodbowl players have either nothing to loose or they have something to prove, and a deep loathing for their cousins sitting at home in their cutesy tiny round-doored houses eating cutesy tiny cakes and biscuits and tea and nice round healthy apples, singing heart-warming old songs and telling the same silly old stupid stories at every birthday party all over again…

      1. Metal C0Mmander says:

        I was going to say that if they wanted to be more productive member of society they could have always found a fulfilling job that doesn’t involve having to beat on daemons and monsters but I realised that in the blood bowl universe I’m not sure those jobs exist.

    2. evileeyore says:

      Well… at one time it was legal for them to field Chainsaw Wielding Crazies… no really, that was what the position was called.

      They could have up to two of them on the field at once.

  3. NoneCallMeTim says:

    Sorry to mess with the lore of this series, but does that mean that his debts are paid off? When did that happen?

    1. lucky7 says:

      After the Skeeters beat the Elves for the Clean Cup.

  4. Christopher says:

    No Bob and Jim this week from me.

    However, I like to add that I personally think Halfling Bloodbowl Teams are made up of the same brave volunteers that fulfill the Kerbal Space Programs, e.g., those in jail with no possibility of parole.

    1. 4th Dimension says:

      They are filled with NPCs height challenged that were rejected/dropped out of KSP program?

    2. MichaelGC says:

      I’d always assumed that the KSP stats were just showing the very top of the curve – i.e. the Courage and Stupidity bars graphically represent scores between (say) 140 and 160 – but I think your notion explains rather more, and obviously has wider applicability…

      I do wonder – and worry – about Pervince, though. It was clear from the last game that something’s not sitting quite right in that low-slung noggin of his!

      1. Supahewok says:

        It’s Hope.

        Absolutely disgusting.

    3. James says:

      So like half the marines in StarCraft and all of the Firebats.

      1. Christopher says:

        Exactly.

        The Kerbal pilots and astronauts in kerbal space programs are those who have ended up in Kerbal Prison due to crimes against the Party or something.

        Halflings on Halfling Bloodbowl Team are the psychopaths and the losers who ended up in prison.

  5. Jarenth says:

    Ya know, from his perspective, Pervince kind of has a point. Why is the coach so intent on seeing the team lose in this cup? It’s almost as if…

    1. Grudgeal says:

      While game-fixing *is* a long and honoured tradition of Blood Bowl, only the greatest of fools would ever try to do something like that with a Halfling team.

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