Here it is. The greatest episode of Spoiler Warning we’ve ever done, provided you’re normal like me and are obsessed with throwing people down holes, out windows, and over ledges.
Yes, this game has some problems. The plot is gibberish, story is atrocious, the themes are either dissonant or nonexistent, the levels are tiny, the mechanics are shallow, the environments are boring, the characters are schlock, the dialog is verbose and clunky, the cutscenes are torture, the save system is a crime, the ladies are all pandering fanservice, the fanservice is creepy sophomoric milquetoast, the puzzles are insultingly shallow, the voice acting is wooden, the character designs are ugly and cliche, the missions don’t fit with the franchise, and the gameplay is a mess. On the other hand, if we rate Absolution on the completely objective scale of “number of people you can push to their deaths”, then it ranks as one of the greatest videogames ever made.
Unrelated: There’s a balcony on my apartment that has a two-story drop to a concrete walkway. And nobody ever comes to visit.
Also, Rutskarn requested that I link to The Hole.
Programming Language for Games
Game developer Jon Blow is making a programming language just for games. Why is he doing this, and what will it mean for game development?
Juvenile and Proud
Yes, this game is loud, crude, childish, and stupid. But it it knows what it wants to be and nails it. And that's admirable.
Mass Effect 3 Ending Deconstruction
Did you dislike the ending to the Mass Effect trilogy? Here's my list of where it failed logically, thematically, and tonally.
Do It Again, Stupid
One of the highest-rated games of all time has some of the least interesting gameplay.
The plot of this game isn't just dumb, it's actively hostile to the player. This game hates you and thinks you are stupid.