Resident Evil 4 was an odd game. In previous games, you were usually a character trapped in some little zombie-infested town. In this one you play Leon, a special agent sent in to rescue the daughter of the President of the United States. While the game had great graphics and some spooky scenery, the scare factor was dialed WAY down whenever the characters started talking.
In fact, the game broke a lot of conventions set by the previous installments, and by other survival horror games in general. You weren’t alone. No zombies. Ammo is much more plentiful. You are on a mission, instead of trapped by circumstances. You are a government agent, and not Joe Average.
I’m sure Leon got his current job due to his previous zombie-fighting experience, but if he had filled out an application, then I imagine it might have looked something like this:
- If the daughter of the President of the United States was kidnapped and held prisoner somewhere in the European wilderness, what would be the best force to deploy in order to secure her safe return?
A. 82nd Airborne.
B. A small squad of Navy SEALS.
C. Mechanized infantry with air support.
D. I'll just go in all by myself and wander about for a bit. How big can Europe be, anyway?
- For the above mission, what would be the most appropriate gear?
A. Sniper Rifle, camouflage, and night vision gloggles.
B. Pump-action shotgun, body armor, and a GPS.
C. Automatic rifle, an ATV and a two-way radio.
D. Nine bullets and lots of hairspray.
- If you find that villagers have attempted to cut off your escape route by building a little wooden wall accross the path, how would you proceed?
A. Walk around it.
B. Climb over it.
C. Burn it down.
D. Give up and head directly for the heart of the enemy base, even if it means passing through the very bowels of hell itself.
- If you meet a very formidable yet chatty enemy and they seem to be too busy talking to attack you, what should your reaction be?
A. Shoot him in the head.
B. Shoot him in the gut.
C. Gun him down, cut him up, smash the pieces, burn what's left and bury the ashes in a deep hole. You can never be too careful.
D. Strike up a conversation. It's always great to meet new people!
- When escorting the president's daughter to safety, where is the best place to have her stand?
A. Behind me, where she is easy to protect.
B. Beside me, where I can keep an eye on her.
C. Give her a gun in case she gets into trouble, and have the two of us move in tandem.
D. Oh geeze! I forgot all about her. Looks like she's run off again.
- On this type of mission, how often do you check in with command?
A. I call them whenever the situation changes.
B. I call in if I need orders.
C. I check in every half-hour
D. I wait for base to call me. I like to avoid roaming charges. Sometimes I forget that I have a phone completely.
- What types of threats frighten you?
A. Gargantuan monsters.
B. Psychos with chainsaws.
C. Bioweapons that transform you into a monster.
- You find a massive, elaborate castle maintained by the enemy forces. What is the best course of action?
A. Go around the castle - the safety of the President's daughter is of primary importance!
B. Find a place to hide and wait for backup.
C. Determine where the enemy obtained the incredible funding required to construct such a thing, and figure out why they didn't spend that money on guns instead.
D. Assault the building directly. The president's daughter won't be safe until I find every secret door in the place! Oooh! And do the hedge maze!
If you answered "D" to any of the above questions, then congratulations! You are just what we're looking for. Get ready to enter the exciting world of presidential daughter-rescuing. Please return this application to recieve your hairspray and bullets.
The game teamed you up with a teenage girl, and whenever she was around (which was only half the game, as she gets re-captured on a regular basis) the game stopped being scary. She was a stinging reminder that the world you were in made absoloutly no sense, and that you were playing one of the dumbest secret agents in history. Imagine the movie Aliens. Now replace the character Cpl. Hicks with Carrot Top. That’s the sort of fear-nullifying goofyness we’re talking about here.