Grand Theft Auto: The… Birthday Cake?

 By Shamus Aug 27, 2008 36 comments

This image was gleefully swiped from Cake Wrecks – which is one of those sites that will steal a lunch hour from you if you give it half a chance.

Grand Theft Auto: The Cake

A San Andreas cake. For a four year old boy. This is like one of those, “How many things wrong can you find in this picture”, except that this one is too easy. The answer is: Everything. This is an image of perfect wrongness, from the expertly reproduced likeness of Cesar Vialpando holding a gun, to the wads of play money jammed into the icing. This cake is the work of a very skilled madman.

…I mean, who would let their 4-year old play San Andreas without making sure they play GTA and Vice city first? How is the poor kid ever going to follow the intricate plot without exposure to the preceding contributions to the GTA mythos? Me? I’d start the kid out with the 2D original and let them work their way through the series, but then I’m one of those traditionalist parents.

(I don’t normally give a heads up to the clueless when I’m being sarcastic. I can’t imagine someone taking the above for seriously, but the cake itself suggests that such people do exist. In a brief flirtation with responsible posting (a temporary thing, I assure you) I want to make this clear: Under no circumstances should you let your 4 year old play this game, unless you want them to learn about hookers, drugs, murder, and the f-bomb at a very early age.)

201636 comments. Hurry up and add yours before it becomes passé.


  1. krellen says:

    Always remember: People are stupid.

    Also remember: society coddles the stupid, so they live to breed.

    Civilisation is destroying humanity. We’d better get it before it gets us!

  2. Ian B. says:

    Haha, that was hilarious. I didn’t think you were going to take a sarcastic angle on the whole thing.

    I do agree with the serious part, though. I can’t imagine how anyone could possibly think that this would be a good idea. I honestly hope that it’s either a ‘shop or just a joke.

  3. Jeremiah says:

    Oh man, my wife Stumbled on that site the other day and what you say is true. We spent the time to go through all the posts on there. That was definitely one of our favorites.

    “Happy 4th birthday! Now go sleep with a hooker then kill her to get your money back.”

  4. Rhykker says:

    Heheh, I think you can cover all your bases, Shamus, with one blanket statement: “if you find anything I say objectionable in any way, it’s because I’m being sarcastic.”

    It happens to me so often that I say something sarcastically, and people stare at me incredulously, believing that I was serious.

  5. Factoid says:

    I love Cake Wrecks. Also check out Cake Failure for more hilarious baking mishaps.

    I’m trying to remember how old I was when I played the original GTA. I guess I was probably about 15 or 16. Weird how it never warped my mind and caused me to go on a shooting spree. I was in the prime age bracket! The 2d cartoonish graphics would definitely be a good way to get a headstart on the violence desentitization of a 4 year old.

    EDIT: also, my favorite cake inscription ever? “Congradulations on your Teen Pregnancy”

  6. Chip says:

    I’m hoping very hard that this isn’t actually a custom cake. It may just be a standard design that the bakery offers, and a clueless parent thought, “He likes cars! We’ll get him that one!”

    Hope hope hope….

  7. Daemian Lucifer says:

    This is an outrage!That poor kid!4 years old,and he still has to play san andreas,when there is GTAIV with more SHINY PIXULZ!Those irresponsible parrents!They are raising their child in the stone ages!

  8. MintSkittle says:

    The only way this makes any rational sense is if Lil’ Derrick was born on Feb. 29, so he’d really be about 16. Unlikely…

    On a side note, I love VG themed cakes, and the following is the best:
    http://rec-roomninja.deviantart.com/art/Weighted-Companion-Cake-67652478

  9. Nilus says:

    Personally I think my son should learn about hookers, drugs, murder, and the f-bomb like I did. HBO :)

  10. Eric says:

    Craig lets his son Donovan play, but all Donovan does is steal a vehicle, and then proceed to drive said vehicle into the nearest body of water.

  11. Eric says:

    @nilus: you mean from watching Andrew Dice Clay

  12. Thomas says:

    Honestly, I found the cake more heartwarming than anything else. I am curious if the kid is well behaved or not.

    Plus: Lil’ Derrick. Awwwwwwww

  13. The Lone Duck says:

    Maybe it was sent to Rockstar 4 years after San Andreas came out? Besides, if you want your kid to be cool, you better teach them about hookers, drugs, and the f-bomb. After all, nothing says DORK like being an innocent little kid

  14. Lady Kat says:

    Yeah, this popped up on my reader a week or so ago. After laughing hysterically for several minutes, I showed it to one of my coworkers expecting the same “oh my god, are you kidding me” reaction I had. Sad thing is, she looked at it and said, “so what’s wrong with it?”

    Oh, the pain.

  15. The cake is a lie!

    I should NOT have been the first one to do this people! Hell, this should’ve been FIRST POST. What is going ON around here?! Next, I expect you all to keep your eye on the ball!

  16. StingRay says:

    Realistically, I’m not sure I’d have an issue letting my 4 year old play GTA. Granted, I don’t have any children, but I can’t imagine a four year old getting into the story, and doing anything more than walking around would be more random happenstance than anything else, if the game playing ability of my nephews is any indication.

    Now, once they get to the age where they can direct the game a bit more and potentially understand what’s going on? No GTA, for sure.

    That being said, the only thing that’d make this funnier is if they chucked the M rating symbol on there, as well.

  17. Mari says:

    I would be shocked, but I have an acquaintance who lets her 4-year-old play GTA San Andreas. My mind boggles at the level of wrongness, hence her being an acquaintance rather than a friend.

    In other “parenting gone wrong” moments, I blogged recently requesting movie suggestions for watching with my kids (8 and 10) because I was getting bored this summer with the stuff they’ve got. Several regular readers (whom I actually liked before I found out how absolutely batshite crazy they are through that blog) suggested such films as Saw IV (which she lets her 6 and 8-year-olds watch), Beaches (which she lets her 9-year-old watch), and Apocalypse Now (which he lets his 8-year-old watch).

    Now, let’s talk about the parents who let their 7-year-old daughters wear midriff-baring T-shirts that say things like, “Naughty Girl” on them…

  18. Eric says:

    I agree with everything mari said, except about Apocalypse Now. Everyone of all ages can enjoy that timeless piece of cinema.

  19. Derek K says:

    My favorite cake was the “Underneat that” cake.

    A four year old might not really be able to do themselve irrepairable harm playing GTA:SA, that’s true. But I’m pretty sure it’s unlikely.

    And the fact that the cake is a GTA:SA cake strongly implies he does more than just wander around.

    My hope is that this is just a parent who was embarassed to get it for themselves, and so subjected their kid to it.

    Or someone ‘shopped out the 2, and it said happy 24th birthday….

  20. MissusJ says:

    @ the Lone Duck (“After all, nothing says DORK like being an innocent little kid”)- Ain’t that the truth!

    @ Mari: I stopped asking my husband what he did with my oldest after I came back from class one evening and found out they watched Mallrats and ate Honey Bunches of Oats for dinner. Then again, said child was all of 18 months old at the time. Once he got to the repeating stage the movies stopped and almost all of our personal cursing did too. Then again, we are dorks who want to raise dorks (see above).

  21. Deoxy says:

    Now, let’s talk about the parents who let their 7-year-old daughters wear midriff-baring T-shirts that say things like, “Naughty Girl” on them…

    How about the 6YO in the “Born to Grind” shirt, with low-rise pants and thong underwear showing?

    As someone once termed current fashion, “bored-whore chic”. Disgusting filth, I call it.

  22. Primogenitor says:

    I hope the space between the y and 4 is for a 2…

  23. Mari says:

    It really is a good thing I got all the important stuff (read: things with external deadlines) done before I caught this blog because I’m hooked on Cake Wrecks. I think the last time I laughed out loud that often was reading back through DMotR a couple of months ago.

    And Deoxy, where do I find thongs for 6-year-olds anyway? Because nothing says “good parent” like slapping my kid in a thong. Except maybe that same thong with the words “Dive In!” on the front.

    Seriously, what are some parents thinking? OK, the inappropriate media gets me, but the wardrobe is much worse to me. Maybe I’m the only parent that actually looked up known sex offenders in their city and seriously contemplated slapping a For Sale sign in the front lawn when I found out one lived six blocks away. But does it not at ALL occur to some parents that dressing your little kids up in the latest teenage SlutWear is like slapping a “For Sale to Good Pedo” sign on the kid? Or am I just hopelessly old-fashioned and paranoid?

  24. Kevin says:

    Weirdly, I used to decorate cakes myself. If someone asked me to do this cake, I’d do it, but I’d be laughing at them the whole time.

    Now if I had a kid of my own, I would never let them play ANY of the GTA titles, or any other video games, for that matter. I WOULD make them get me beer, mix drinks, pack a bowl, and call hookers for me though.

  25. Maddy says:

    I assumed the cake was a joke. However, if there’s a 4-yo kid who can play the game, good for him, he’s clearly a far more accomplished gamer than I am. :)

  26. Daemian Lucifer says:

    @Neil Polenske

    I think a certain comic has influenced people.Say,for example,this one:

    http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/comics/stolen-pixels/5141-Stolen-Pixels-13-HypoCRITICAL

  27. Fenix says:

    Oooooooo! I should get that cake for my nephew turning 2 in a week. (Following Shamus’s example I will state that this statement is sarcasm and a complete fabrication. My nephews birthday is in a month in a half.)

  28. The right thing to do with a 4 year old is to let them play the reskinned version with Kagamin and Tsukasa, where the enemies are Doraemons.

  29. fair_n_hite_451 says:

    Actually, I’d bet money it was a “1″ which was ‘shopped out of the picture, not a 2.

    14-year old getting that cake? Takes some of the sting out of having the kind of parents who buy you a cake at 14 at all…

  30. Factoid says:

    The more I look at this cake the more I’m pretty sure the whole inscription is actually photoshopped. There’s some artifacting and the shadows just aren’t working quite right.

    It’s also entirely possible that someone had this cake made simply for shock value.

    I can’t say I’ve ever met a 4 year old with the attention span necessary to master the controls of a complex 3d video games.

    I’m 26 and I STILL find the controls on GTA games frustrating.

  31. anonymouse says:

    @ fair_n_hite_451: Yep, or name you Lil Derrick. Hilarious.

  32. ATMachine says:

    Shamus, on an utterly unrelated tangent, have you played the free VGA fan remake of Quest for Glory II that was released a couple days ago?

    It’s totally awesome, and just as amazing, it’s been sanctioned by Vivendi, owners of the QFG copyright.

  33. Davesnot says:

    here’s a sad bit of thinkin… I bet it’s a cake for a gang member that’s been in the gang 4 years..

  34. Simplex says:

    This cake reminded me of my biology teacher who bought his 10 year old kid ‘Carmageddon’ for a Christmas present. True story (no, seriously, true story).

  35. jubuttib says:

    (I’m not in anyway saying that all kids are the same, but) I’ve been watching Schwarzenegger movies since I was 4 or 5, along with some horror movies (I’m not that good with those though, even nowadays) and playing pretty much every violent computer game that came my way since I was 6 (Wolfenstein 3D being one notable example, though it was released a year after I started playing) and I enjoyed them. Additionally, I think the first time I saw hardcore porn was when I was 9 or something like that. Didn’t do me any harm.

    I do have an interest in guns but only as examples of fine engineering, and I do like target practice. I don’t think I could shoot anything living though, which is funny because many of my relatives hunt. I also really like martial arts, but only because they teach you about yourself and your body. I’m pretty much a sworn pacifist (which is why aikido is so great).

    So based on my own experiences I don’t subscribe to the thought that violent images will necessarily make people violent, even kids. I have very levelheaded parents that made sure I knew what was right and what was wrong, although according to them I mostly figured it out by myself just fine.

    Back to the point: I don’t necessarily see it as a bad thing for kids to play violent or explicit games provided that the parents are there to raise their damn kids right.

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