Assassin’s Creed 2 EP10: The Quick Brown Fox

By Shamus Posted Wednesday Oct 5, 2011

Filed under: Spoiler Warning 105 comments

Link (YouTube)

I don’t have much to say about this episode, except that I’m really glad to finally get a chance to use all of my knowledge of European geography. I expect many Austrians will be delighted when we mention their capital city of Madrid. Well, not all of them, but the ones who are used to the ignorant American tourists who visit the Eiffel Tower and are always driving on the wrong side of the road and who visit without bothering to learn any German. To those weary Aussies, I offer the standard heartfelt greeting of the traveling American: Hola, amigo! Yo voy a ser visitado en su paà­s auspicioso buscando el cuarto de baà±o para cumplir con las prostitutas. ¿Puede usted indicarme dà³nde està¡ el mà¡s cercano hermana?

I really hope this smooths things out between us. After all, Europe is my favorite country.


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105 thoughts on “Assassin’s Creed 2 EP10: The Quick Brown Fox

  1. Amsus says:

    Ok, i promise i’ll get around to watching the episode at some point, but i have to say that this was a brilliant description. Thank you Shamus from Denmark, or as you Americans know it the capitol of ikea :)

    1. Irridium says:

      Nah, that’s Sweden. Though the headquarters is in the Netherlands.

      I don’t know why I know this.

      1. Newbie says:

        But the Americans know Denmark as the capital…

      2. Chris says:

        I think that’s the joke.

        1. Mathias says:

          Funny story: I once met a couple of Americans who’d come to Denmark to ski. For those of you who don’t know Danish geography, the “tallest point” is barely 200 metres above sea level.

  2. Gulderian says:

    I don’t know why they keep complaining about Ezio’s clothes, they’re obviously made of Assassins Tweed…

    1. Jeremiah says:

      Which is the perfect thing to wear when celebrating after a job with a pint of Assassin’s Mead.

      1. Irridium says:

        Oh god, not this again. Is this really what we Assassins Need?

        1. Audacity says:

          Are you admitting to being an actual Assassin Indeed?!

          1. Jeremiah says:

            Let’s stop this nonsense. This is my Assassin’s Plead.

            1. Tjtheman5 says:

              Dude, chill out and smoke some assassin’s weed.

              1. It’s just that the same ones keep coming up, I could make a shortlist of them and call it the “Assassin’s Guaranteed”

                1. Syal says:

                  They keep coming up because they’re still funny.

                  It’s been Assassins Agreed.

              2. noahpocalypse says:

                Try to Assassin’s Peed!


              3. Nidokoenig says:

                I’d make a remark about how old this joke is getting, but I’m worried it’d turn into an Assassin’s Screed.

                1. I don’t think we have to worry until Assassins Intercede

                  1. anaphysik says:

                    We should be fine. Assassins Proceed.

                    1. theLameBrain says:

                      Hungry? Try Assassin’s Feed!(tm pending)

                    2. bit says:

                      Are we going to do this EVERY episode? Y’all are a bunch of Assassin Dweebs.

                    3. Submersible Scout says:

                      This is a crazy cult. It’s like someone brought upon this earth an Assassin’s Breed.

                    4. False Prophet says:

                      Right: most assassins follow, but some Assassin’s Lead.

                2. Zak McKracken says:

                  You just murdered that joke, what an Assasin’s deed!

                  1. Christopher M. says:

                    Do you really think that will make the Assassins Heed?

                    1. PhoenixUltima says:

                      Nah, they’ll keep churning them out with Assassin’s Speed.

                    2. Torsten says:

                      Nah, he could be jailed, put it’s easy to get Assassins freed.

        2. Daemian Lucifer says:

          Guys,could you at least be original?We dont need to have these puns assassins knead(ed).

          1. Destrustor says:

            Hey you just can’t stop the punning when the assassins feel they want to go on.

        3. Tjtheman5 says:

          What you need is an Assassin’s Thneed. An Assassin’s Thneed is a thing that EVERY Assassin needs!

      2. RTBones says:

        Elementary, my dear Watson: Assassin’s Tweed!

        1. RTBones says:


          (note to self) Read the WHOLE thread before replying, you moronic icon of silly unintended inattentiveness (end note to self)

          1. RTBones says:

            And not only THAT, but I replied to my own idiocy instead of EDITING it…not my day to post…grrrrr……

            1. anaphysik says:

              Also, these specific ones have been repeated over and over again in previous threads. I /may/ have been the first to use Assassin’s Tweed (Episode 6 comment), but I didn’t check.

              [EDIT: X2-Eliah beat me too it in Episode 4]

              Anyway, yeah, these puns get reposted a lot. Nobody seems to remember that Assassins Read before they post with Assassin’s Speed. Thankfully, none of us are prone to Assassin’s Greed, so we don’t hog the puns. Feel free to copycat away without fear of being punished with a Hashashin Lashin’.

              1. RTBones says:

                Thank you. While I still feel like a dork for not reading the thread entirely before posting, you have at least made me feel I am accepted in spite of my dorkiness. For that, I shall be forever grateful. Yay Internets.

    2. BeamSplashX says:

      Assassin’s Cree-cree-cree-cree-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c DUBSTEP(eed).

  3. karln says:

    Occasionally I wonder how the Templar base/Assassin entrance (you noticed the Assassins’ emblem on the door you used, right?) thing works. The Templars built the place and then the Assassins sneakily added their own door while the Templars were out? The Assassins built it and abandoned it, and it was later co-opted by the Templars? Most of these places have Assassins’ tombs hidden inside so I guess it’s mostly the latter.

    1. Jeremy says:

      Well, it is technically built by Assassins, but they have been around for so long that most people have forgotten what it’s original purpose is. It’s a church, remember? It makes sense that the Templars have unwittingly taken over what used to be an Assassin monument. And the majority of the parcour (or however you decide to spell it) sections are separate from the guard ones – these are dilapidated wings that no one should be able to traverse.

      1. decius says:

        No, it was built by the Templar, but there was an Assassin mole with the Templar who got put in charge of overseeing the construction. Naturally he made sure that the work crew included the ancestors of the people who carved those statues and the villa basement.

        They didn’t just build the catacombs, they built them to crumble and age so that they seemed dangerous, but Ezio could intuit exactly how to get through them. They also whispered about the entrance in private, so that only La Volpe would know about the secret entrance that only Ezio can use.

  4. Joe Cool says:

    who visit without bothering to learn any German

    Silly Shamus, don’t you know that Austrians speak Portuguese?

    I knew somebody who bought a t-shirt that said “there are no kangaroos in Austria” when he visited that country.

  5. SougoXIII says:

    Oh Shamus, your trolling have reached a new level!

    1. Destrustor says:

      Josh teaches well.

  6. Nyctef says:

    Yes, the race music is awesome. What did Mumbles say it sounded like? I missed that, would be interesting.

    And by Templar-built you mean Assassin-built, right? :P They seem to be built so that only Assassins Succeed, which seems to be codified by the ending of Brotherhood

    1. That music you linked to remind me a lot of the style in WASP – The Crimson Idol, Blackie Lawless’s (WASP vocalist) solo album.
      Make sure to get the double album with the bonus disc.

      While the band WASP is metal, this album on the other hand is more digestible by anyone regardless of taste, and arguably the best WASP album made. And the whole album has a full narrative that carry through the songs, something hardly any albums (or their artists) have the guts to do.

      The music is just as moving and many times similar to the clip you linked too. In fact the music’s softness and aggressiveness is matched to the narrative or the lyrics.

    2. anaphysik says:

      I believe she said it sounded similar to the Bastion soundtrack.

    3. Rob Maguire says:

      I love that music track. It’s the only one I bothered to find in the soundtrack.

      Of course, once I had reached a certain mission in the story I began to associate it more with teeth-grindingly frustrating DIAS gameplay. “Shoot! Shoot the flying demon!”

      1. Vect says:

        Lemme guess:


  7. Audacity says:

    Shamus you mischievous scamp, reinforcing international stereotypes about ignorant Americans. The Eiffel Tower is in Prague, which is the capital city of the Finnish state of Brussels, you know that! And Europe isn’t a country it’s one of Jupiter’s moons!

  8. LurkerAbove says:

    Africa is my favorite country. That’s why it only needs one Batman.

    1. anaphysik says:

      The Moon is my favourite country.

      1. I don’t care what you say, The Moon is still a planet. It was named after my favourite disney character and I won’t stand for anything less.

        1. Zombie says:

          Dont you mean Pluto?

          1. anaphysik says:

            No no no, Pluto is Popeye’s nemesis, duh….

            1. Well yeah, how you’d go about mixing up the two I can’t imagine. I mean, one’s a planet, the other is a guy who dresses up like a bat to fight clowns.

    2. theLameBrain says:

      My favorite State is confusion.

      1. Zak McKracken says:

        You just made this Confusian very happy!

        1. anaphysik says:

          Confusious say “…What?”

  9. Tobias says:

    Well the German pronouncation of Venetia sounds more like the American pronouncation for Vienna, then the American Vienna sound like the German Vienna.

    Also leonardo’s assistant did not only set up a training ground up, easily. He also did so behind an open doorway leading to a crowded street, without attracting attention.

    Volpe? You mean the guy from Nipton? Didn’t you kill him? And how would Enzio even pronounce KAI-SAR?
    btw. you guys are losing your touch.

    When those levers are glowing I think, first of wanted posters, then I think : break the glass.

    1. Paul Spooner says:

      I have been reading too much Axe Cop, so the first thing I thought of when I saw a vertical handle behind the shimmering glass was “Oh sweet! Etzio transforms into Axe Assassin!”
      He has a secret attack that chops off all the badguys heads in a level. Then the dead badguys turn into haystacks and Axe Assassin jumps in them.

    2. 4th Dimension says:

      Actually German for Vienna is something like Win with a longer i. And of course Austria is not Austria it’s Osterreich (East empire).

  10. “Hello, friend! I will be visited at home auspicious bathroom looking to meet prostitutes. Can you tell me where is the closest sister?”



    1. Kian says:

      I didn’t mind the rest of the trolling, but reading my native language butchered like that was really painful. To be fair, it also grates me when I read butchered English, and it would probably bother me if I knew any other languages. I think knowing he did it on purpose made it worse.

  11. Raygereio says:

    The amazing thing about the assasination training ground Leonardo sets up for you is the fact that if you attack the dolls while in high-profile, they respond and move as if they’re real people.

    Leonardo, you evil bastard.

    1. I was always pretty surprised at how cool Leonardo was with the whole assassin thing – I mean, he’s so supportive of your efforts to shank everything with a pulse.

  12. rrgg says:

    I’m a bit surprised at how little picking up bodies and throwing them off cliffs there is in this lets play.

    1. Raygereio says:

      Yeah, I know.

      He hasn’t even done things like murdering a minstrel via groin-stomping, picking up the body and throwing it in front of guards that are guarding a codexpage to get them to attack Ezio and then lure them away from their guard post via various parcour hijinks (involving standing on high rooftops/next to water and throwing guards to their doom) and diving-between-guard’s-legs. Which is then naturally followed up by breaking line-of-sight, sitting on the bench until the guards forget all about you like the goldfish that they are and then picking up the the codexpage undisturbed.

      You know: the old minstrelcorpsebennyhillchasebecominginvisiblewhilesittingintheopen-trick.

      I’ll suspect we’ll start seeing the real fun once Josh gets the poison-stabby.
      Step 1: Throw money in areas heavily populated by random NPCs.
      Step 2: Poison guards.
      Step 3: Stand back and smile knowing your dead father’s ghost is looking over your shoulder with a horrified expression.

      1. rrgg says:

        He still hasn’t beaten anybody to death with a broom either.

  13. JPH says:

    When I realized you can customize colors in Fable 2, I immediately made my entire outfit black. Then I got the Goth achievement and felt bad about myself.

  14. Milos says:

    I still can’t get used to Mumbles’ ridiculous new voice, it feels like an imposter infiltrated the crew and nobody noticed.

    As for the catacombs part of the game – at first, like Josh, I would think it’s a nice change of pace from roaming the streets. But then I would either get stuck without knowing where the next switch is, or there would be some platforming part with fixed camera that is nigh-impossible to do with keyboard+mouse which would drive me crazy, so I’m always glad when I’m out of those wretched places.

    1. Someone says:

      They reminded me of dungeons in Risen.

    2. Daemian Lucifer says:

      “I still can't get used to Mumbles' ridiculous new voice, it feels like an imposter infiltrated the crew and nobody noticed.”

      She even sounds like mister slave when she says jesus christ.

  15. Someone says:

    While we’re on the subject of geography: who’s FDR? Is he the guy who invented KFC?

    1. theLameBrain says:

      No no! FDR founded the FBI. JFK founded KFC. I am always making that mistake…

      1. Syal says:

        And LBJ made the BLT.

  16. noahpocalypse says:

    Mumbles @ 2:05- need more stars!

    Josh @ 10:23: Stab him in the groin!

    14:03: You were there before him! Gah!?!

    Mumbles @ 20:14: WTF?

  17. I forget if it’s Screed2 or ScreedBro that has the sea monster thing in one of the catacombs, but there’s totally a sea monster thing in one of the catacombs.

    SpoilerWarning Crew: Gray Fox..Gray Fox.. Gray Fox..

    Me: Huh, why are they talking about Cyborg Ninja from Metal Gea–Oh right Oblivion, duh.

    1. Vect says:

      It’s not a sea monster, just a Giant Squid. Which itself could count as a sea monster.

  18. O.G.N says:

    I just want to point out that prior to the invention of synthetic dyes in the 19th century, people had a more limited color palette to choose from. Many dyes were also quite expensive.

    1. Aldowyn says:

      Which is why purple was a royal color. It was really hard to come by.

      1. ps238principal says:

        Before Gallagher became right-wing and even more un-funny, he had a bit about the Phoenicians that went something like:

        “They discovered this kind of snail that let them come up with a blue dye. They went to the kings and they said, ‘Check out this dye we’ve got,’ and the kings said, ‘Hey, that looks nice! What do you call it?’ and the Phoenicians said, ‘Royal Blue.’

        The kings said, ‘That’s cool. Give me too much of it.'”

  19. Corpital says:

    Since I am probably going to end in a punitive afterlive no matter what I do…erm…it would be cool if these codex entries were input for an ancient kind of computer which could create a interactive holographic copy of Altair and maybe even these people depicted in your uncles basement, they could call it Assassins Meet&Greet.

    Well…considering the 60h working schedule it is marginally better than another iteration of the Assassins Speed pun for Joshs very competent kills at the end which I was planing to do.

    1. It doesn’t even rhyme though.

      You’d have had more luck if you wanted to talk about Josh being competent – after all, even Assassins Succeed once in a while.

      1. Exasperation says:

        Josh is more likely to climb up something and be unable to get back down – getting his Assassin Treed.

  20. Dante says:

    It’s a sailboat!

    How has no one made that reference yet?

  21. Deadpool says:

    Music reminds me of jRPGs… It’d be right at home in White Knight Chronicles or something…

  22. Nick says:

    Americans speak other languages? I thought they just shouted English until the shoutee inferred the shouter’s meaning.

  23. Eärlindor says:

    12:11 – Aauughh! Curse you, Rutskarn, cuuurrrrssse yooouuu!!!

    Oh gosh, why? Why? Whyyy…?

  24. ps238principal says:

    Rutskarn has got to be at least 35 years old and is taking hormones to sound younger, because nobody his “age” has ever seen a Danny Kaye movie, much less remembered the lyrics to one of the musical numbers, unless forced to do so as a method of extracting information (or installing culture).

    1. Tuck says:

      The Court Jester is one of the greatest movies ever made! More people should watch it, at a younger age! My respect for Rutskarn went up by at least 1200% when he quoted that.

      Also, the race music reminds me of the soundtrack to Kingdom of Heaven.

      1. Mumbles says:

        Guys, don’t be too impressed. He didn’t know who Jerry Lewis is.

        1. Daemian Lucifer says:

          Is he the guy who played dark helmet and eddie murphys parents in that ace ventura remake?

        2. I prefer Jerry Lee Lewis.

          1. Mumbles says:

            Don’t trust a man who marries his cousin.

        3. RTBones says:

          I have only one thing to say:

          MAS TEQUILA!!

        4. ps238principal says:

          Thank goodness he hasn’t heard of him or he’d start half the shows by following your introduction with “NICE LADYYYYY!”

        5. RTBones says:

          Math! Science! History! Unraveling the mystery! It all started with a big bang! BANG!!!!

          EDIT: 5 points if you know where that’s from. 6 if you actually care.

          EDIT II: Apparently, I had more than one thing to say.

          EDIT III: Doesn’t make me any less of an idiot.

          1. Daemian Lucifer says:

            Bah,thats not obscure enough.Now this:

            Im a deep water saylor
            just come from hong kong
            to be way hey blow the man down!
            If you give me some whiskey
            Ill sing you a song
            give me some time to blow the mand down!

            That is obscure.No geek points if you guess where it is from,since RTBones gave it away,but 10 if you know the name of the episode.

    2. Cuthalion says:

      Rutskarn quoted the Court Jester? Now I feel obligated to watch this! That was an awesome movie. Inspector General wasn’t bad, either…

      I am 21. (And American, if that makes it crazier.)

  25. Vect says:

    I wonder if anyone of them realizes that Rodrigo Borgia was also played by Jeremy Irons in a miniseries, which leads them to the connection that they’re fighting the wizard from the Dungeons and Dragons movie? That or Brom from Eragon (AKA Fantasy Obi-Wan).

  26. nawyria says:

    Can anyone explain the fox and the hound pun that Mumbles was referring to?

    1. tengokujin says:

      1981 Disney animated film about the unshakable friendship between a hunting hound and a fox in Victorian England.

      Yes, it’s pretty much as stupid as it sounds, despite it being very heart-warming.

    2. Indy says:

      The original pun was about Rutskarn taking both Fawkes and Dogmeat as companions in Fallout 3. His favourite pairing of the companions is the Fawkes and the Hound.

  27. tengokujin says:

    Leonardo did do many detailed anatomy drawings from dissected corpses… Just sayin’.

    1. ps238principal says:

      At least now we know where he got them all.

      He was at least intelligent enough to not do a bunch of still life art of discarded and bloody guard uniforms.

  28. Thanatos of Crows says:

    I’m still wondering what happened to the ending sequence. I get it that the opening replaces it but the episodes just kind of end running face first to a pillar. At least the points they do make sense, as it used to, but it feels kinda weird

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