Shamus Needs

  By Shamus   Sep 6, 2007   63 comments

Here is a silly meme: Enter “yourname needs” into google and then see what the first ten entries say you need. Then post the results to your blog.

This one caught my eye because I figured that with a rare name like mine I’d come up mostly empty. But no. Witness:

  1. SHAMUS NEEDS A HOME!
  2. Shamus needs to fade more in t and some blastin´ effects would also work.
  3. Shamus needs to be hanged like saddam.
  4. Shamus needs help.
  5. Shamus needs a fiddle yard.
  6. Shamus needs advice on locating a factory.
  7. Shamus Needs Gold fund!
  8. shamus needs. to. know. solid state
  9. Shamus needs money for his MMA league.
  10. Shamus needs to look at who works for him and make some BIG changes before his little kingdom sinks even more than it has.

Google is such a strange and wonderful contraption. Try it. It’s funny.

202020363 comments? This post wasn't even all that interesting.


  1. max says:

    There is no such thing as a rare name. There are only relatively rare names…

  2. John Callaghan says:

    Sorry to be cheesy, but…

    Shamus needs to be congratulated on his webcomic. Long-time reader, first-time poster. Great stuff, and thanks for the giggles!

  3. Skeeve the Impossible says:

    “Daniel son who is a person of great faith and special needs”

    I guess I am a retard

  4. Mari says:

    I personally know at least three Shamuses. Trust me, it’s not that rare of a name. But yeah, Google bursts all kinds of illusions. I thought I was the only person in the world with my particular name spelled my particular way. Turns out there are three of us that come up on a Google search.

  5. -Chipper says:

    This is funny, but also quickly taints itself with Google’s very nature. I did it, and several of my top ten were other Steves showing their results. But the top one was great: Steve needs to find a squirrel hitman. Possibly someone with the nickname Squirrel Zipper or Squirrel Burger.

    Skeeve, did you not put yours in quotation marks to get the phrase “Daniel needs”, and instead got instances of “Daniel” & “needs” in the same sentence or paragraph?

  6. Vasay says:

    Hmm… Tried to find exact phrase “Vasay needs”, found zero matches. Maybe my name IS rare? ;)

  7. Carl the Bold says:

    I don’t have a blog, so here:

    1. Carl needs his pillow.
    2. King Carl needs win to return to throne.
    3. Carl needs help.
    4. Carl needs a new campaign.
    5. Carl needs to plead to Officer Krupke.
    6. Carl needs Pete more than Pete needs Carl.
    7. Carl needs some help from Photochopz.
    8. Carl needs a place to stay in Phoenix.
    9. Carl needs to learn to trust Chas.
    10. King Carl needs to sign Jeff George.

    This is particularly awesome because I’m a king twice over. FTW!

  8. Corvus says:

    I did this a while back and liked my results so much that I posted an illustrated version of my list: Corvus Needs.

  9. Thansal says:

    buahahahahaha!

    Yah broke it!

    try “Shamus needs” again :P
    AND, Alex Needs:
    1) Alex Needs your help
    2) Alex Needs more than just a rat trap for this vermin
    3) Alex Needs a lynching mob
    4) Alex Needs to read this
    5) Links for some one NAMED “Alex Needs”
    6) Alex needs to change his shorts again….
    7) Job for An Alex ( NEEDS her back) (some one’s myspace profile)
    8) Alex needs full backing of Man
    9) Alex needs to customize the document to better fit the job role he’s seeking.
    10) alex needs a man!

    heh.

    good game :)

  10. First entry:

    Matthew needs to bring sexy back.

    I didn’t need to read any more, actually.

  11. Gary's Friend Mike's Friend Jim says:

    I typed “Jim needs” into Google, and the first entry was someone talking about what happens if you type “Jim needs” into Google.

    After that it was “Jim Needs a Kidney”, ” Jim needs to use his rotating head/helicopter ability to safely float down to the bottom of the level while avoiding the walls lined with spikes,” and so on.

  12. Frank says:

    It worked fine for me (anything from “Frank needs a date” to “Frank needs to grow a spine) but when I enter the name of my loved one, nothing silly comes up… only links to very serious pages about very serious subjects. Now is that a good thing or a bad thing? I’m so cconfused these days.

  13. Gildragon says:

    David needs
    1. Why dirty David needs a wash
    2. I got some good laughs out of What David Needs
    3. David needs someone to really flesh out what he is about
    4. David needs to do further investigations
    5. David needs…a wash
    6. Why Dirty David needs a wash – or at least a dry clean.
    7. David needs your Story
    8. David needs to rise up against Goliath
    9. David needs your prayers
    10.David needs editing! Badly

    Wow I guess I must be dirty.

  14. myrtle says:

    My real name shows no results, so I used my web-name, myrtle (and I don’t have a blog, so I’m gonna post it here)

    1. Myrtle needs help (I don’t!)
    2. Myrtle needs a new inhabitant (A what?)
    3. Myrtle needs $10M-$25M (Yes please =D)
    4. Myrtle needs you to figure out how much money you took in today
    5. Myrtle needs a hug (Yay! Hugs!)
    6. Myrtle needs you
    7. Myrtle needs to improve 200% (Hey! That’s an insult!)
    8. Myrtle needs a home (Yay, a second home =))
    9. Myrtle needs at least 8 hours of direct sun to live up (I don’t like direct sunlight xP)
    10. Myrtle needs cheering up

  15. Avaz says:

    Thansal got the same results I did.

    Great name, by the way. :D

  16. Lune says:

    I only got 4 entries :S

    – Jolyn needs to get much much more aggressive and she’ll be a much better defensive force.

    – Jolyn needs da comp to burn her cds.

    – Jolyn needs AIR!

    – Jolyn needs ______.

  17. Ravs says:

    Weird, mine almost read like a scary linked narrative:

    – Ravi needs a diaper change.
    – Ravi needs. money for medicine or the baby will. die.
    – Ravi needs our thoughts and best wishes at this difficult time
    – I recommend searching elsewhere for your Ravi needs
    – Ravi needs to work on the emotional scenes
    – Ravi needs immediate medical attention.

  18. Will says:

    Try having a name that’s a normal English word!

    – Will needs two witnesses, but is not valid if pregnant. (actually re: “living wills”)

    – Will needs to include clear instructions about how to locate and access client records and contact information.

    – Will needs new tires soon. (typo on “need” FTW!)

    Fun. :)

    -Will

  19. Penn says:

    Well, every hit I got referred to someone’s last name or to an educational institution, as far as I can tell.
    Yes, my name really, really is rare. Not unique (witness Penn and Teller, the only other one I know of), but rare.

    –Penn

  20. InThane says:

    I entered my name, and didn’t get an actual “needs” thing on any of my first ten.

  21. empty_other says:

    “Tom Needs to Worry More About Staying Out of the Big House.” Say that again and you get a swift kick in the face!
    “Tom needs anger management.” Been there, done that.
    “Tom Needs a Swift Kick in the Face.” I know. You too.

    My full name, “Tom André”, didn’t get any results at all…

  22. SiliconScout says:

    * Jason Needs a Pismo
    * Jason needs to SHUT UP when he’s a moderator about his opinions especially when he’s not even an actual developer
    * Jason needs to diet because he has become too fat.
    * Jason needs to put on his shirt, overalls, shoes and socks
    * Jason Needs a Helmet
    * Jason needs 2 stop acting like he is such a P*I*M*P*
    * Jason needs a roommate with pictures, videos, personal blog, interests, information about me and more
    * Jason Needs A Hair Cut.
    * Jason needs no argonauts.
    * Jason needs your micro-cash.

    HA and five of them are true!!

    Hahahaha too funny.

    InThane you need to enter “Name needs”
    use the quotes and everything and you will probably get results.

  23. roxysteve says:

    Damn!

    I’m cursed with a name combo that turns out to be ultra common, and what’s worse is that all the gits that share it seem to have actually done things with their lives. I can’t move in my google results for bloody scuba divers, award winning biologists, acupuncture specialists (total bunkum, but at least one guy got rich stabbing people for a living), professors of English of all things and other overachieving dingdongs.

    Steve needs a better name, apparently. I’d change it to “Fintabulin Warrabistro-Numknuts” but I already have all these business cards printed up, and it would cause difficulties with the INS people.

    Steve.

  24. Lynx says:

    Your search – “[My Name Here] needs” – did not match any documents.

    Hmm. I don’t need anything?

  25. Pester says:

    Doing this the lazy way, I just copy and pasted someone else’s result.

    1)Esther needs it to all fit together

    2) All Esther needs now is a mullett and some legwarmers.
    Ha! One really has to wonder at the context of that…

    3)Esther needs to experience for herself life’s turbulent emotions..

    4)Esther needs her first shock treatment
    -I’ll be good! Honest! :(

    5)We will do whatever Esther needs us to do.
    -MWAHAHA! I mean, uh, how caring and considerate of them.

    6)Esther needs preperation to fufill her own destiny
    -What am I, a Final Fantasy character?
    7)Esther needs a lot more help in mathematics

    8)We need people like Esther, who breaks the law to get justice for her people.
    -Awesome! Vigilante justice… wait, that sounds like racist vigilante justice. That’s not quite as awesome…

    9)Esther desperatly needs arms
    Ouch, poor that Esther. But if that’s not a call to arms, I don’t know what is.
    10)Esther needs to add strength modifer to weapon damage
    -Hey, I’m not that much of a dnd newbie! …anymore.

  26. Reed says:

    Pretty darn funny – made me LOL at work.

    1. Reed needs to answer
    2. Reed needs to implement a campus-wide digital asset management system
    3. Reed Needs a Shirt and a Haircut
    4. reed needs to settle into it’s new structure by drying out
    5. reed needs to be soaked, wet when put on the mouthpiece so start sucking on the reed
    6. reed needs to show improvement in the areas that were discussed
    7. Reed needs to go to each and every single staff member there–both military and civilian–and explain
    8. reed needs to stay rubberbanded to the mandrel tip for a day
    9. Reed needs your help
    10. reed needs to opened up

  27. Delta Force Leader says:

    I didn’t even have ten entries.

    1 ) John Mark needs cash urgently
    2 ) John Mark needs cash urgently.
    3 ) JOHN MARK NEEDS TO BE IN A MENTAL HOME FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
    4 ) John Mark needs his noodles cut into small pieces.
    5 ) John Mark needs to come because he is profitable.
    6 ) John Mark needs to come home to help me sort through my problems.
    7 ) John Mark needs a Barnabas
    8 ) John Mark needs a Peter, and Peter needed Jesus.
    9 ) John Mark needs a Bots Dr :)

    #3 is what happens when you have the same name as a murderer.

  28. Mari says:

    Heh. Just for kicks, I did the actual “Mariellen needs” search. Three results.

    1. Mariellen needs assistance in organizing the storage room and discarding outdated books from previous sales. (do I ever. Anyone wanna help me organize a storage room?)

    2. Mariellen needs to get a lyphe. (and someone needs to get a first grade spelling list, but atrocious 1337 aside, yes, I do need a life when I’m so bored I’m playing with Google)

    3. Mariellen needs to show the exact sequence of commands to produce the problem along with the output of cvs version… (believe me…if I could duplicate a problem with a command sequence, I’d freaking fix it)

  29. Arath says:

    “Joey needs to expand the vocab because he’s too talented to get his accomplishments on the field marred by his inabilty to express himself”

    I don’t even need to list the other 9. They all pale in comparison to this one.

  30. Zaghadka says:

    My favorite:

    I need to go back in time and fight.

  31. -Chipper says:

    This got me curious, so I looked up “I need”:
    1. Do I Need Therapy?
    2. Do I Need A Jacket?
    3. IneedCoffee
    4. The all I need in business, computers, freebies, freeware, health, holiday, home and family, kitchen, self help, technology, webmaster resources…
    5. Drugs I need
    6. All I Need
    7. I need your advice
    8. “No, I Need Mr. Caitlyn”
    9. What I need to know about Eating and Diabetes
    10. Everything I need to know about Illegal Immigration I learned from Eight Legged Freaks

    #5 Drugs I need is a link to a funny JibJab video
    Now what about “You need”? Since I’m sure you need more than I. ;-)

  32. Jamey says:

    Thought I’d post mine, especially because number 10 made me laugh.

    1. Jamey needs a bone marrow transplant
    2. Jamey needs to lock down another people’s championship!
    3. Jamey needs a raise or a new job
    4. Jamey needs to get some new people running the operation or fold it
    5. Jamey needs to get those children out of there
    6. Jamey needs to go away
    7. Jamey needs to move to SMII where that car belongs
    8. Jamey needs to stop sleeping so much
    9. Jamey needs to update
    10. Jamey needs to get laid

  33. Tyrel Lohr says:

    I think I have most everyone beat. “Tyrel needs” returned all of 11 results, including two sub results from other page results!

    If it wasn’t for Battlestar fans not knowing how to spell “Tyrol” instead of Tyrel I wouldn’t have had a full 10 results :)

  34. Jenilynn says:

    Yeah, I got nothing. So much for “There is no such thing as a rare name”, Max.

    :P

  35. Doug Brown says:

    Mine was kind of ho-hum, so I did my friend Ian’s name, and found the most awesome thing ever:

    http://www.kendallhart.com/

    *wipes away a tear.

  36. John says:

    Um… can it get any worse? I’ll need to edit this…

    My Life’s Work: John needs…All you do is Google the phrase, “your first name needs” (as in John needs) and put the first ten entries in your blog.

    ‘John’ Needs Operation After Hoooker Bites P…s For Non-Payment

    John needs to get his patootie back here

    John needs affirmative action

    John Needs Your Bone MarrowTo receive a transplant

    SEE ME AS YOUR BROTHER……..JOHN NEEDS YOUR HELP PLEASE

    John needs to embrace family values

    John Needs is a masters qualified clinically practicing psychologist

    My big boy John needs a home. John is a big Thouroughbred and is in his late teens. He is well care for and ready to run.

    My cousin John needs prayer

    ‘John’ needs Nicole’s luck

  37. Rebecca says:

    My middle name is sufficiently obscure to not have any relavent results.

  38. Myxx says:

    My first one was somewhat alarming… “needs to suffer severe bodily harm”… not on the top of my personal list, actually.

  39. Tyrel Lohr says:

    Doug Brown: Bah! Sarah Michelle Gellar will always be the real Kendall Hart!

    Yes, I watched All My Children at one point, from 1990-2000, until McTavish ruined it.

    What are you looking at?

  40. Marty says:

    I think I got the best of the lot:

    #1 Marty needs to end up with a hot sex-obsessed blonde.

    I should just quit while I’m ahead…

    2) Marty needs a haircut.
    3) In London, Marty Needs a Stiff Upper Lip
    4) Marty needs football more than football needs Marty
    5) After hearing what Marty needs, you need to walk into the house and click your mouse button to sit down.
    6) Maybe Marty Needs Luongo…
    7) Marty needs to forget about the guy a the other end of the rink and maintain focus.
    8) Miles For Marty Needs Help.
    9) Darva Finds a Home and Marty Needs a Home.
    10) Marty needs a Cuda Bicycle

    Clearly, I have some very oddly named friends, Darva and Luongo.

  41. Luke says:

    Oh man:

    1. Luke Needs Glasses
    2. Luke needs a touch from God again
    3. Luke needs a family
    4. Luke needs to divorce Nicole
    5. Luke needs to learn his lesson ( the hard way)
    6. Luke needs to go sit his old a$$ down somewhere
    7. Luke needs a cool costume
    8. Luke Needs shoes
    9. Luke needs to die
    10. Luke needs to convince her not only that his love for her is real, but that she never loved Clay, but loves Luke instead

    LOL

    With the original spelling of my name I only got 6 good ones:

    1. Łukasz needs server space
    2. Łukasz needs is to worry about unreliable gear
    3. Łukasz needs money to pay for the hotel before he goes to BoE live meeting in Vienna
    4. Łukasz’ needs some navigation
    5. Łukasz needs great music for his levels
    6. Łukasz needs to go for broke

  42. Hal says:

    See, I saw this meme previously as “yourname likes”, not “yourname needs.” Here’s my results from last time:

    1. Hal likes to play local venues in his home
    2. Hal likes to contribute his efforts to helping others with session work
    3. Hal likes to paint using primary colors straight from the tube
    4. Hal likes to be ‘’spanked in a Super 6 . . . threatened with an enema as she stood over him in her white nurse’s outfit.”
    5. Hal likes to talk
    6. Hal likes to go hiking, read history, and work on family genealogy
    7. Hal likes to play with the Breckers because, “We don’t talk about the music, we just play it.”
    8. Hal likes to work in a really spontaneous way.
    9. Hal likes to have fun
    10. Hal likes to have a good time with a woman, any woman

    Interesting. Apparently I’m a wild guy.

  43. Telas says:

    “Kurt needs a patient and loving family that understands the lifelong effects of prenatal exposure to alcohol.”

    I’m stunned.

  44. Telas says:

    But my username led back here…
    http://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?p=1226#comment-71148

    “Telas needs beer, badly.”

  45. MOM says:

    Sharon needs to be told to stop shooting and start talking
    ” ” to do succession planning now
    ” ” more time to work out peace policy
    ” ” a uterus like a hole in the head
    ” ” to stop trying to be the hip granny
    ” ” labour support for pullout
    ” ” parenting lessons

  46. HeatherRae says:

    Oh god…

    1. Heather needs men…now!
    2. Heather needs to start wearing a brassiere.
    3. Heather needs two therapists.
    4. Heather needs a childhood.
    5. Heather needs new boobs. (um….)
    6. Heather needs some body…guards.
    7. Heather needs to check her Dictionotomy. (I don’t even know what that IS…)
    8. Heather needs to be in the loop more often!
    9. Heather needs $10000 a day. (Hell yes!)
    10. Heather needs VEGGIES!

  47. Doug Brown says:

    It got more interesting with more of my name:

    1. Doug Brown needs to get his arms up more (he needs to do this if we’re going to be repeat champions).
    2. Doug Brown needs three tackles to move past Tom Europe into seventh place.
    3. Doug Brown needs some other poor saps to sing his song too.
    4. Zern stated that he thinks Doug Brown needs to look at this issue very closely.
    5. Doug Brown needs this information.
    6. Doug Brown needs to look at his team’s INTENTIONAL history before trashing our entire city!

    That’s all I got, but it was plenty. Sing my song, peasants!

  48. Zaghadka says:

    Well, I’m done. I went back in time and fought. I lost. :^(

  49. AlphabetFish says:

    “Michelle clearly needs to shut the fuck up.”

    Surprisingly, there were about three of these “shut up” ones. Hmm.

  50. Matt` says:

    excluding duplicates and ones about “put yourname needs into Google”…

    1. Matt needs prayers, and help and maybe just a balloon, a rainbow or a little fairy dust now and then

    2. mAtt NEEDS to be punched in the face

    3. Matt needs to date a midget or something (from TV.com luckily)

    4. Matt needs to perform his own sex change… like when he tried to circumsize himself. (from the same TV.com page)

    5. matt needs a xbox 360

    6. Matt Needs a Friend

    7. Matt Needs Money

    8. Matt needs Tasks

    9. Matt needs to do my laundry FOR me

    10. Matt Needs to Explain Youtube!

  51. Kristin says:

    Kristin needs to move, and check other corners. (Move, yes, but what’s this about checking corners?)
    Kristin needs to wash her socks because she will need them on Sunday morning.
    Kristin needs sleep. (Perpetually.)
    Kristin needs Chicago newspaper help. (Uh… what?)
    Kristin needs a good haircut to tame that wild ass hair. (Hey, my hair is gorgeous!)
    Kristin needs to write the service officer amendment before the next meeting.
    Kristin needs to re-think the top.
    Kristin needs to humble herself.
    Kristin needs a haircut. (Again with the hair!)
    Kristin needs 4 pounds of grass seed per 1000 square feet. (Yeah, because grass and West Texas work so well together.)

    I ignored duplicates and ones about Kristin Cavalleri and Kristin Kreuk (who apparently needs more bastardly loving).

  52. Thijs says:

    On the search for my needs, my first hit was to a site discussing exactly the same game…

    furthermore,

    1. Thijs needs to fix the php code so that only 2 images are displayed per line, then they will be clickable
    2.As Thijs needs to work, he is going to reserve my seat by himself in office today
    3.THIJS NEEDS TO GROW UP
    4.Thijs needs to propose to her and she’ll relieve his ‘pressures’ the moment he opens the jewelry box
    5.Thijs needs to do what’s best for his network, so he’s asking around for opinions
    6.Thijs needs love
    7. My favorite again: THIJS NEEDS TO GROW UP

  53. Scott says:

    Scott needs nude models!

    … and after that the rest of the list would just be a letdown.

  54. Scott D. says:

    I’m a Scott too and yes that was an excellent first result. But my favorite was:

    6) Scott needs a real serious butt chewing

    I don’t even know what I (or we) did wrong!

  55. Errol says:

    The highlights:

    1. Errol needs to work out.
    2. Errol needs to be a better enemy.
    3. Can Errol find another lover?
    4. Errol needs to visit the lee side of the boat.
    5. Errol needs to have an operation to try to mend and straighten a tendon sheath that covers his knee, that has been ruptured by injury. otherwise he may not …

    This is weird…

  56. jubuttib says:

    Doesn’t work so well with Finnish names, but if you’re lucky, you still get something.

    1.Jussi needs to bugger off or pull his finger out. (Believe me, not the first time I’ve heard that.)
    2.Jussi needs more pictures. (With my ugly mug? Pfft.)
    3.Jussi needs to learn to speak English beter. (I cna argree wid taht,)
    4.Jussi needs a kick up his arse. (Why does everyone hate me?)
    5.Jussi needs to see his penis. (… Oi.)
    6.Jussi needs to grow some hide. (Yeah, I’m way too f*cking delicate.)
    7.Jussi needs to play more. (I already spend most of my work day playing. But some more couldn’t hurt!)
    8.Jussi needs it more than you. (Yes. I do.)
    9.Jussi needs to get paid in th’ escalade. (To buy a better car atleast.)
    10.Jussi needs to be treated a lesson if he thinks he is bigger than the club which he now does then we should let him rot away and ruin his career as he has obviously ruined the hearts of many a bolton fan. (Glad I could help. By an’ by, who’s this Bolton fellow?)

  57. Morrinn says:

    I need to develop more body rhythm to advance in this style.
    I need a box for my blocks.
    I need to STFU and sit down.
    I need a world map store and to use the information I have gathered.
    I need to make it to the end
    I need an additional measure of God’s strength and grace.
    I NEED A NEW HOME ASAP.
    I am needed on the set.
    I need a Copy of the CD for my radio station.
    I need to know.

  58. Justin needs to start playing smash bros. again
    Justin needs to learn this isn’t 500 bc and you can’t bang every girl
    Justin needs someone to feed him, dress him and take care of all his personal needs…
    Justin Needs To Bring Humble Back.
    Justin Needs A Home
    Justin Needs a Bone Marrow Transplant
    Justin needs to dump that old rubber faced bitch!
    Justin needs to hook up with Jessica Simpson
    Justin needs to hook up with a slew of sexy models and move on.
    Justin needs to stay as far away as possible from the train wreck that is Britney Spears
    Justin needs a webmonkey.

    Justin also realizes that this meme is beginning to regurgitate itself. Several of the top Google returns were, in fact, people posting lists just like this one. ;)

    Justin Alexander
    http://www.thealexandrian.net

  59. KIC says:

    Great. 0 results found. I need another name. :p

  60. Daemian_Lucifer says:

    The only one I got with my nick is:
    “A neurotic daemian needs a neurotic form”

    My name gives no results however.

  61. Necrite says:

    I don’t know the policy for this site, so I’m gonna self-censor my results:

    1> KURTIS NEEDS TO **** REAL BAD
    2> this is good, now kurtis needs to get new ****
    3> I think Kurtis needs a game of his own.
    4> Kurtis needs more ammo!!!
    5> One student brought in a huge piggy bank he had had since he was a child and said, “Kurtis needs this more than I.”
    6> Kurtis needs to die alot more i hate him he has a bum the size of the eifle tower and a head as big as a hot air balloon
    7> kurtis needs to stop doing this, especially between turns 3 and 4 during QP as we later learned…
    8> KURTIS NEEDS TO **** REAL BAD
    9> Now Kurtis needs help in. filling those stockings.
    10> If Kurtis needs further explanation, I believe my three year old grand daughter can be of help to him.

    I find it disturbing that three of those results have to do with my bowel movements, and a further three (numbers 3, 4, and 6, for the record) are about Tomb Raider.

  62. benoitowns says:

    Zack needs:
    1. Zach needs a shower.
    2. Zach needs to sing Kristen a sweet lullaby.
    3. Zach needs to know the answers so he can set up his tank.
    4. ZACH NEEDS A HAIRCUT
    5. Zach needs your help
    6. Zach needs a warning label for his explicit lyrics.
    7. Zach needs free internets!
    8. Zach needs a easy carp bait recipe!
    9. Zach needs help.
    10. ZACK needs to keep on working before he gets too old and his screaming would seem silly.

  63. Arkady says:

    Boy am I late to this party:

    Arkady needs…
    1 …fights. (I do not! *PUNCH*)
    2 …to get in touch with [a call girl]. [(Because she knows about some poker game with criminal stuff going on. Not for anything else.)]
    3 …a shrink, and preferably one who doesn’t go around killing people. [(I always prefer my shrinks to be the non-murderous kind.)]
    4 …to surrender his ego to a higher ideal [that] could only be offered by the “idea-feeling” of religious faith. [(There’s a few people who might agree there.)]
    5 …a Šñøü†ê® animated gif. [(But I can’t find one in the shops.)]
    6 …legwork done for an investigation. (Most of these seem to refer a show called “Endgame” where Arkady is a detective.
    7 …all the latest gossip (and vodka)
    8 …to bow out [(See 4.)]
    9 …to march to Darius’s office, and kill him!!! Wait! Even better, he should torture him before killing him!! ([Woo! Let’s go! Wait. Who’s Darius?)]
    10 …to get off his high-horse and understand this. [(It’s this sort of thing that causes #1 on this list…)]

    And a bonus one:
    11 …money to finish his degree at the conservatory so he can have a shot at a career as a pianist.

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