Spoiler Warning Hitmas 1-Merry Hitmas!

By Shamus Posted Wednesday Aug 31, 2011

Filed under: Spoiler Warning 83 comments

I really don’t like how commercialized Hitmas has become. When I was kid, Hitmas was about crazy, life-ending butchery in the name of a paycheck. Now people are so obsessed with shaved heads, sunglasses, and barcode tattoos. They’ve forgotten the true meaning of the holiday and instead are focused on shallow, superficial things. It’s cheapened the celebration and taken the joy out of contractually-arranged assassination.

But not Rutskarn. Rutskarn understands the True Meaning of Hitmas:

Link (YouTube)

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. I’m so happy right now that I could beat a man to death with a fruitcake.

This is just a one-week deal. We’ll do something else special for Spoiler Warning next week (maybe even more Hitman, we haven’t decided yet) and then we’ll launch the next season on September 13.


From The Archives:

83 thoughts on “Spoiler Warning Hitmas 1-Merry Hitmas!

  1. There is only one soundtrack that could possibly do the adventures of Agent Reginald “47 Times The Legal Blood Alcohol Limit” Cuftbert justice.

    Well, maybe there’s one other song I can think of.

    1. Nyctef says:

      Apart from Yakity Sax, of course :P

      Yay Spoiler Warning \o/

  2. X2-Eliah says:

    Just because this is completely pointless in any way, shape or form whatsoever..

    Omg u guys shuld totalee doo Fable 3! It’s got colourful graphics, some decent humour and a ton of stuff to rant about too.

    Also, 13th really sounds like a good date to launch a new season, indeed.

    1. Daemian Lucifer says:

      Yes,please do.Id love to hear Shamus rant about fable instead of just reading it.Itd be awesome!

      1. James says:

        do you want Fallout Level ranting with the only reprise being its well VO’d, that game-play is terrible, you cannot die, you combat is woeful, the story, while good. displays all the traits or racism and classism, ‘cus apparently only Monarchs can be heros, and only heros can save the resistance. it is a fun game, mostly its gets bad when your fighting hoards of monsters that cant hit or hurt you, theres a funny bug were you can get stuck in a tree. i would really love to see a Dues Ex one, but also i dont want to see it ‘cus of spoilers. plus ME3 soonish :), Dragon Age 2 would be cool, the combat isnt as heavy as DA:0 and the story is more character centric.

        1. Daemian Lucifer says:

          “do you want Fallout Level ranting”


          I would also like to see deus ex 3,of course.But Id prefer if they did fable first,because I have no intention of playing that one.

          1. kanodin says:

            Seconded. To either of those ideas.

  3. Ubernostrum says:

    Nice – will have to watch it later, while I am ‘productively’ at ‘work’.

    MINDLESS PEANUT-GALLERY YELL: Do The Stanley Parable next week!

    OK, I’m better now. Can’t wait to see what you guys chose for the next main series.

  4. littlefinger says:

    SO next week we’ll see Mumbles do a playthrough of Guitar Hero, and after that Shamus walks us through Bureaucracy?

    That’s how this is going to end right?

    1. Daemian Lucifer says:

      And both of those will end with some unimaginable bloodshed.

      1. littlefinger says:

        Well Bureaucracy makes you want to kill yourself, so we’ll get collective suicide at least.

  5. Vect says:

    I actually think there’s a series called “How NOT To Play Hitman” on Youtube somewhere.

    There’s also an LP by a guy called The Auzzie Gamer who both shows off how to get Silent Assassin while also using bombs/going on shooting rampages.

  6. Reet says:

    I actually just finished Hitman a few days ago and I have to say I really enjoyed it. I also find it pretty funny that rutskarn managed to do this entire mission in one go in like 11 minutes compared to his LP in which he must have taken well over an hour to complete it.

    1. Rutskarn says:

      Little secret: I’m not as bad at Hitman as I appear on the streams.

      1. littlefinger says:

        Of course not, dear.

      2. Daemian Lucifer says:

        So youre worse than you appear in the streams?

      3. Raygereio says:

        So your superweakness is people watching you?

      4. DGM says:

        Yeah, you made all those extra kills intentionally because you believe in giving the customer value for his blood money. “I know you only hired me to murder two people, but here, have 39 more! It’s Christmas!” :P

      5. BenD says:

        Talking and playing at once tends to make one of them go less expertly.

        1. JPH says:

          And of course Rutskarn is such an expert talker.

      6. Reet says:

        Whatever helps you sleep at night, man.

  7. Hitch says:

    “Hey y’all, watch this!” Agent 47’s missing dialog upon approaching the junction box.

    I highly approve of the different driver so Josh gets to make fun of someone else’s playstyle.

  8. TraderRager says:

    Hey Shamus. All 4 of you playing Borderlands, as different classes. Yay/Nay?

    1. TraderRager says:

      It’s too long for a series, but maybe a week long special?

    2. krellen says:

      Bonus points if you make Josh play the Siren.

      1. Felblood says:

        Yes, because we need to see more of him playing with a stealth/melee/crit build.

        That NEVER gets old.

        1. Daemian Lucifer says:

          Especially when he doesnt use any of those.

          1. modus0 says:

            Yeah, he’d probably restrict himself to a RL and combat rifle as a siren…

    3. Ander the Halfling Rogue says:

      I like it.

    4. If borderlands is remotely as boring as it is to watch as it is to play, I’m thinking that’ll be a bad idea.

  9. Herrsunk says:

    If you think about it… it was a successful stealth mission. If there is no one left alive to tell that you were there you have successfully gone incognito.

    Save for the cameras and the blood and theSHUTUPALREADY.

  10. Nic says:

    Loved the intro.

  11. Alexander The 1st says:

    So…how many people still lived at the end? 41 seems like it was quite the majority of them…

    1. TheAngryMongoose says:

      Well unfortunately, he left the main party area untouched, save the pool. Some of the livestream runs hit it though.

  12. Daemian Lucifer says:

    And no matter who is driving,spoiler warning crew leaves a trail of dead bodies behind.

    Also,Rutskarn,you really like killing dogs in hitman,dont you?

    1. Alexander The 1st says:

      Not with Mumbles. All that’s left is a bunch of suits and skeletons lying around – bodies cleanly eaten.

      1. Daemian Lucifer says:

        Say no to cannibalism,zombies are real!

        1. Shamus says:

          What are you, some kind of Spaz?

        2. X2-Eliah says:

          Oh but it’s all right if you crack the bones for the marrow. Then they can’t get back up, you know. And it’s extra tasty stuff.

          Cannibalism – the gift that just keeps on giving!

  13. Entropy says:

    We only got a brief glimpse of him on camera, but we’re pretty sure he has long, flowing hair.

    1. Alexander The 1st says:

      Well, there were a lot of people who had elf hair costumes, so they probably assumed he put that on while leaving. Which, you know, he did.

      Actually, it would’ve been awesome if they had a santa elf hat on him in the photo.

      1. Entropy says:

        He didn’t have the hat on when he was under the camera, which is the only evidence they have for a photo.

  14. Dovius says:

    September 13?
    Aw, you didn’t have to get me a birthday present!

  15. Halfling says:

    I think that was Rutskarn’s most successful Hitman mission ever. Loved Josh getting the opportunity to be a member of the peanut gallery.

  16. Jakale says:

    That felt all kinds of nostalgic for the Hitman streams. 47 even went and did a stupid context based action in front of witnesses he can clearly see and made Ruts yell at him. Good times.

  17. Joe Cool says:

    Hilariously, in my RSS feed, the video that’s showing up is the Electric Company sketch from the previous post. I didn’t know that children’s shows involved paid murders and high body counts.

  18. Entropy says:

    The best stream was the white house original run. I am still annoyed that the initial run failed.

  19. Spooky says:

    So …. killing lots of innocent lives in an Hitman game is playing it wrong? So why do they keep on giving me the opportunities and resources to do it?

    On a more serious note, here are some thoughts on the subject:

    The Hitman games have always allowed the player to, within certain limits, do whatever he/she wants to. They are more like a little sandbox – where the give you the tools and let you loose on the set (god I miss the “immersive sims” of old days) OR (going along with Rock Paper Shotgun on this) a puzzle game where you are searching for one of the solutions to do a mission with the Silent Assassin rating (the best rating available/ “perfect” solution).

    On the world setting, the games have (apart from the first) always made a great mix between gritty and black humour (my favourite example: dropping a hanging grand piano on top of a lady dress as a bird – with feathers flying and the bad tunes playing as they collide with the floor).

    Once you enter an animation there’s no going back from it: breaking fuse boxes; (un)packing a rifle; fibre wiring someone; sedating; changing costumes; etc etc. Not framing this as an excuse, but if you play the game long enough, you’ll start to time for these things.

    The Dual Silverballer upgrade is a really weird one: you carry 2 pistols; with the same amount of ammo as usual; you fire them both with each click; each shot goes slightly apart from the cross-hair (there are cases where you miss a medium range head-shot because your target’s melon is dead centre in your cross-hair and the bullets just fly by his ears); and the reload times are [keeping this polite] really long. Not a really useful one, in any case I can think of anyway.

    Still, I’m interested to see how your short term plans, in regards to Spoiler Warning, align with your target for the show.

    1. Pete says:

      So the developers make sure that the dual wield upgrade is the only one you get for the final mission. *sigh*

      1. Spooky says:

        Really? I’ve never noticed when that upgrade unlocks itself*.

        Maybe they think the players will go on a duel to the death with the final target?
        SPOILER : It’s a chase & showdown scripted assassination in the White House (from the Oval Office to the West Wing), at night, while raining.

        *That mechanic is one that fails by only unlocking certain upgrades after you’ve done (greatly or poorly) certain missions.

        1. Pete says:

          I meant the final, final mission.

          1. Spooky says:

            Oh, THAT mission. I couldn’t agree more.
            SPOILER: there’s a fools ending masked as credits sequence in 47s funeral (ie. the main menu background)
            The concept is cool and I’ll usually just wait around to see it work but I’ll immediately end the mission after that.

  20. Delve says:

    “That’s a really compromising position”

    I’ll say!

    1. Raygereio says:

      Especially concidering the poor chap’s rather perforated bottom.

  21. kanodin says:

    So much for not watching any of Rutskarns Hitmases because I keep planning on playing the sequals eventually. I got about halfway through the first Hitman and I’m a quarter through the second.

  22. JPH says:

    This is an interesting phenomenon — whenever anybody plays a game for Spoiler Warning, they instantly become Reginald Cuftbert.

    Even Shamus ended up dropping a train in the middle of a road. Just try and tell me that’s not something Cuftbert would do.

    1. AlternatePFG says:

      I noticed that too, though Rutskarn played a lot like this in his Hitman streams before anyways.

      1. Reet says:

        Yeah but he didn’t usually end up slaughtering every gaurd in the building on his SUCCESSFUL attempts.

  23. Milos says:

    So the cameras caught a bald assassin in a black suit and their profile is a fat, long haired nerd. If that’s the best police can do no wonder 47 became a legendary invisible assassin.

    Also, I’m calling it now: they are doing Deus Ex:HR next but they are giving it a few weeks so Rutskarn would reach the age he’s allowed to play it without parental supervising.

    1. JPH says:

      “Ew, why is that woman half naked?”

      “You’ll understand when you’re older…”

    2. Entropy says:

      I think it’s a bad idea for them to be doing games right after they are released. I’d wait at least a season before jumping into HR if it were up to me.

  24. Jarenth says:

    No dognesses.

  25. BenD says:

    What is Josh eating? XD

    1. Daemian Lucifer says:

      Everything from his inventory!

      1. Dovius says:

        He’s still chowing down all the crap from the NV Endboss

  26. Riggaburtos says:

    That was a pretty funny episode, can’t wait for the rest.

    Alos, were you guys aware Reginald Cuftbert went to PAX?


    1. Entropy says:

      No bonnet, not the true Cuftbert.

      1. JPH says:

        D: You’re not Team Top Hat?

        1. Entropy says:

          I should think not. Bonnet Cuftbert is classic.

    2. Hitch says:

      I’d think that was TotalBiscuit if I didn’t think it unlikely he could have grown the muttonstache since Gamescom.

    3. Reet says:

      Because he’s sitting in the illusive man’s chair and is in front of his sun I like to think that reginald cuftbert the third (chronologically), after killing everything in the Mojave, went in to space and ate TIM and stole his…office thing?

  27. perry says:

    hitmas?? what is hitmas? i thought it was called hitman?

    1. Rutskarn says:

      Hitmas is a portmanteau of Hitman and Christmas. I used to stream Hitman once a week–sometimes I’d do additional streams, which I’d call the X Days of Hitmas. This tradition has apparently been carried over.

  28. Sydney says:

    What happens if you try to take a woman’s costume? Does it just not let you, or do we get a Skimpy Swimsuit La-Mulana situation and everyone tries to kill you?

    1. Johan says:

      It just doesn’t let you. It makes sense in a way, every male has the body frame of 47 in the Hitverse, and every female has the body frame of a stripper, so not a lot of room to squeeze in.

  29. Thor says:

    Yay, Hitman!

    It’s good to hear the whole bunch commenting on this game, if only for a short while. What? You did that level in under 15 minutes? It took me ages! But then again I didn’t draw that much attention to myself on my playthrough :D

    That’s got to be the most successful ‘failure’ I have ever seen, though.

    1. Entropy says:

      Also he has done that particular level several times. I believe it was even one of the ones chosen for him to do again at the end of the Hitman streams.

  30. Cybron says:

    I would watch more of this.

  31. ENC says:

    Who hasn’t played Hitman?

    Psyched for absolution, Contracts and BM were some of the most fun games i’ve ever played (never played 1 and 2 was pretty meh, it didn’t have the hitman formula of alternate paths for most of it).

  32. Methermeneus says:

    This is making me want to watch Rutskarn’s LP of Hitman, but… Is there any better way than going to Livestream and watching the archives there? Livestream’s archives aren’t very user-friendly. Blip and YouTube only seem to have Rutskarn vs. Jibar (which I also want to watch, but I want to watch Hitman first!)

  33. SolkaTruesilver says:

    I just realized that killing everybody in the mansion is probably the best way to cover your employer.

    If you just went for the kill of your targets, the found deads could potentially have been traced back to your employer. “Who had an interest in killing these two people so professionally, hmmm?”

    While in this case, the theory will me “a crazed gunman went in and indiscrimately killed everybody. Probably a terrorist attack, or a mafia strike team to make a point”. They won’t look too deeply into victim #32 and #54, who were your real targets.

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