DMotR Special 2:
Do it While You Still Can

By Shamus
on Jul 25, 2007
Filed under:
DM of the Rings

This week I’m posting some amusing screencaps and photoshoppings while I recover from surgery. DMotR will resume next week.

The King tries to relive his youth.

Never follow a man going through a mid-life crisis. If he were on the path to success, he would have gotten there by now.

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2020201777 comments. (Seventy-seven is the smallest positive integer requiring five syllables in English!)

From the Archives:

1 2

  1. Al Shiney says:

    Classic … hope you’re feeling better Shamus!

  2. Jochi says:

    Red Dawn? THAT’S what this strip needs — Russian paratroopers.

    Oh, and Thrud Post:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Thrud_painted_cover.jpg or http://www.answers.com/topic/thrudnew-png

  3. Blitzmidfielder says:

    Winnar is…?

    Good luck with recovery. x_x

  4. Sartorius says:

    Things that annoyed me somewhat about the movies, #294: the “Ride to ruin and the world’s ending!” Rohirrim warcry in the books was Eomer’s “Theoden and Eowyn are dead, let us throw caution to the wind and die honorably too” battle cry, not Theoden’s prebattle “Now that we have drawn up our lines, let us advance into battle” speech.

    Things that I thought were awesome about the movies, #9: Theoden’s “how did it come to this” speech before Helm’s Deep came out better than it does in the books!

    • Billos says:

      I am obligated to say that in my time on the net (online playing various games for 5 years), I have never seen someone with the same name that I use for all my main characters. Until you :D What makes it weirder is I chose the name by combining random syllables. Now, coz of you, I know its a leg muscle too :) And you’ll never read this comment given that your post is from 2007… STILL obligated to post this!

  5. Gary says:

    Brilliant. It makes so much more sense now :)

    Sartorius: What are these numbers you mentioned? #294 and #9?

  6. Sartorius says:

    Sartorius: What are these numbers you mentioned? #294 and #9?

    Rhetorical integers.

  7. Ninja Monkey says:

    I just want to say, you’ve done an excellent and hilarious job with the comic so far. Thank you.

  8. Scarlet Knight says:

    Theoden: “Their’s not to make reply,
    Their’s not to reason why,
    Their’s but to do and die:
    Into the valley of Death!”
    Eowyn: “Oh,no! We’re doomed!”
    Merry: “What? Why?”
    Eowyn: “He’s been reading Tennyson again…”

  9. Haviland says:

    Jochi – absolutely.

    Can’t go wrong with Russian paratroops.

  10. MOM says:

    “Rhetorical integers.”
    -hilarious

  11. Kaz says:

    Sheesh, he should just go buy a Vette, or a Porsche, or something. “Mid-life crisis” and “Death of many” just shouldn’t mean the same thing.

    Unless you’re a woman. :-D

  12. Tuccy says:

    Now an idea came to me, concerning the LoTR battles…

    Gandalf was a mage skilled with fires and other things that went “kaboom”, right?
    So why the heck didn’t he spend all the time prior to the end of Third Age by designing and stockpiling rifles and guns in secrecy? ;) Imagine ringwraith Captain getting salvo from muskettes and a grapeshot as he rides through the gates of Minas Tirith. Undead or not, I think it would do him no good (and at the very least his horse won’t sustain it) ;)

  13. Scarlet Knight says:

    Forget the muskets; Gandalf needed Tim the Enchanter’s Flamethrower Staff . At least if you believe the movie’s version of the battle on Weathertop…or the beastiary mentioned in Episode V.

  14. Sartorius says:

    So why the heck didn’t he spend all the time prior to the end of Third Age by designing and stockpiling rifles and guns in secrecy?

    Assuming that Gandalf was familiar with gunpowder or something similar (given that he’s skilled in making fireworks, this is probably a safe assumption), there is still the question of who is to manufacture these firearms. As far as we can see, metallurgical prowess is limited to the dwarves (who have been driven from their homes and scattered; the largest concentration during the Third Age is, IIRC, in the Withered Heath, far to the north of civilization), the elves (who are unlikely to be interested in mass-producing firearms for human kingdoms), and perhaps Gondor (the economy of Gondor doesn’t seem to be in great shape, and their kingdom’s resources are constantly expended, towards the time of LOTR, in keeping Mordor at bay). In addition, the ability to make quality armor does not mean that a civilization can cast (or bore out) a cannon or make fine-tolerances moving parts for firearms. You refer to “rifles” specifically – a technological advance (drilling out the barrel in a certain pattern) which came only after firearms had already been used for centuries.

    Attempting to perfect a firearm design (not a specific model like the Colt 1911, but rather a category such as a flintlock) would take at least decades of debugging during in-the-field use, which makes rather a chicken-and-egg problem. In addition, there is not, in the grand scheme of things, a whole lot of time to accomplish all this. The return of Sauron came during Bilbo’s own lifetime (Gandalf accompanied Thorin’s party so that he could investigate the mysterious Necromancer in Mirkwood). Before that, why bother stockpiling powerful new weapons against an enemy which apparently didn’t exist?

    • WJS says:

      This is a good explanation, although I would point out that in reality, the plate armour and trebuchets that Gondor has in the films were contemporaneous with early cannon. Firearms really should be within the reach of a late medieval society like Gondor.

  15. I’m starting to like these Specials

    And I’ll remember this for an NPC in my DnD game; nothing like a Wizard going through a mid-life crisis leading the party to their doom :D

  16. five toed sloth says:

    Tuccy @#14 –
    Aside from Sartorius’ points, the main reason is that Tolkien hated the modern world, industrialism, and just about everything that happened after around 1913. It’s clearer if you’ve read the books, especially the Scouring of the Shire at the very end, but Saruman’s downfall is essentially that he embraced an industrial way of life as opposed to the more pastoral, feudal society that Gandalf was trying to protect. It’s no accident (at least I assume Jackson was aware of this) that Isengard is shown producing orcs on a primitive assembly line. For Gandalf to rely on technology to defeat Sauron would have been about as bad as letting him win.

    • WJS says:

      I prefer Sartorius’ points, because they make sense within the universe of Middle Earth. Tolkien’s Luddism isn’t an entity within Middle Earth; although obviously influencing it greatly, it’s clearly external.

      Also, the C20 is far too late to be talking about early firearms; did you know there were cannon at Bosworth Field in C15? They weren’t that new either, reports of European cannon go as far back as C12. To put it in perspective, in 1913, the most common small arms of WW2 were already around.

  17. five toed sloth says:

    D’oh! Apologies for over-bolding. I knew I should have just stuck with italics.

  18. Tess says:

    Will someone PLEASE teach Colin some new words! BTW, Hope you’re feeling better Shamus. Providing your fans with new posts while you’re recovering from surgery is DEFINITELY going above and beyond the call of duty. You rock!

  19. Jochi says:

    Scarlet Knight:
    As I recall, Bored-Flak the Bolt Lobber carried several such weapons. His Wand of Multiple Magic Missiles strangely resembled a Thompson.

  20. TBau says:

    Excellent point 5 toed sloth. It’s mind blowing just trying to grasp the depth of Tolkeins books. I think that much can be gleamed by reading his books.

  21. Teague says:

    OK, I have to chime in and mention that they were Latin-American Paratroopers in Red Dawn, not Russian.

  22. Teague says:

    TBau, I think you mean “gleaned”. Plus, you forgot the apostrophe that makes “Tolkien’s” possessive singular, not plural. Ok, I’ll stop now before I get beaten. I just had to get that out of my system. Sorry, TBau, yours was just the last post before mine.

  23. Teague says:

    Dood, im in ur thread, correctin ur grammr an spelln

  24. Caius says:

    They should know better than to fight the forces of mordor. They need some Ninjas… And Wizards…. Ninja Wizards!

  25. JoystickHero says:

    Pirate Ninja Wizard Robots!

  26. Matthias says:

    They did have Russian ‘advisors’, though.

  27. DamoJO says:

    If this was a computer based RPG I think the party would have downloaded some 3rd party modern weapon mods.
    I.E.
    (Aragorn) “Sod using Anduril, I have a +3 M-16/203 combo loaded with holy water grenades)”
    (Gimli) “Ha lads, Lightaxe of doom”
    (leggomyass) “General Electric M-134 Minigun. If we play Star Wars next I wanna be a Predator”

  28. Catri says:

    Tolkien hated the modern world, industrialism, and just about everything that happened after around 1913.

    Didn’t he do most his writing after spending WW1 in the trenches in one of the nastiest areas too?

  29. Nob the Hobbit says:

    Scarlet Knight: If I recall correctly, in the books, Aragorn drove off the Nazgul on Weathertop with two flaming brands, since what he carried for a sword was the shards of Narsil. In the movie he used his sword and one brand. So the “weak against fire” bit was established by Tolkien.

  30. Dangerous_Jade says:

    Fantastic!
    Thanks for keeping us huddled masses entertained, even after you’ve had surgery! Hope you’re feeling better, and will be right as rain very soon! =)

  31. Joel says:

    Why stop at Ninja Pirates, when you could have Ninja Pirate Zombie Robots?

  32. Jaja says:

    I agree with Tess – you’re really going out on a limb to satisfy our insatiable greed for your posts, and for that, I am (as I’m sure everyone else is), truly grateful. Do get well soon! You have both my husband’s and my own best wishes.

  33. Kotenku says:

    Undead Ninja-pirate magi with bionic implants… That’s what, CR 22 at least, yeah?

  34. Shaggy_SoCal says:

    Ash to the Orcs at Minas Tirith…

    Alright, you primitive screw-heads, listen up! See this? This… is my BOOMSTICK! – [continuing nonchalantly] – It’s a twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt-blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right… shop smart. Shop S-Mart… You got that?!!

  35. inq101 says:

    If Theodens going through a mid-life crisis wheres the convertable horse?

  36. Simon Jester says:

    Well, if you wait a while, I’m sure one of the orcs will be glad to take the top off of it.

  37. Jimmy says:

    Can we give those Undead Ninja-pirate magi with bionic implants, some ‘Sword-chucks’?
    Now that would be an awesome combo….

    And I’m sure Gandalf could do one or two Hadokens on the forces of darkness.
    He doesn’t seem to actually do a lot of magic. Seems strange for a wizard. I mean the average wizard of his level should be able to do quite a few spells, but Gandalf just seems to hit things with his sword…. More like a fighter…

  38. Jimmy says:

    Come to think of it:

    What would the ‘Light Warriors’ do if they were in that campaign???

    I don’t think any of the cast would survive for very long.

    And get well soon Shamus.

  39. Hafwit says:

    Thanks for a great comic. Here’s to a speedy recovery.

  40. Shiney Al says:

    So we’re up to “Russian / Latin American paratrooper undead Ninja-pirate magi with bionic implants”.

    Sounds cool, roll them up, mine is named “Optimus”.

    • Billos says:

      Okey dokey. Mines called… MEGA-TRONN. Oh, he’s also your gay charcters half brother. I should have asked first but it’s cool right? Oh and I rolled the stats on the way here. Came out perfect! What luck!

  41. Deacon Blues says:

    Russian/Latin-American Undead Paratrooper Ninja Robot Pirate Wizard Cyborg Monkeys!

  42. Vinchenze says:

    Hope you feel better shamus.

  43. Lukelightning says:

    And another thing that annoys me is that in the book Theoden is right handed but in the movie he is LEFT handed! How could Peter Jackson do that! He ruined the movie!!!!!!!!!1111!eleventyone

  44. axcalibar says:

    >And another thing that annoys me is that in the book Theoden is right handed but in the movie he is LEFT handed! How could Peter Jackson do that!

    That scene was reversed in post production… for… lighting reasons. The sun was turned wrong. Said so in the extended edition commentary… Czechoslovakian version.

  45. Scarlet Knight says:

    Latin-dancing Russian Pirate love-Monkeys!

  46. Cenobite says:

    29 Pffh Says:

    July 25th, 2007 at 6:15 pm

    Ninja Pirates.

    Wtf are you doing! Are you trying to bring about the premature heat death of the universe?

  47. J-rahm says:

    Quote:
    “Russian/Latin-American Undead Paratrooper Ninja Robot Pirate Wizard Cyborg Monkeys!”

    Now you’re just being silly. But I’m in. I call the name: Minmax (borrowed from Goblins comic, but the name rocks…)

    And another thing. Thank you all (esp. Shamus) for this site – I often find the comments as funny and insightful as the comic itself. Cheers.

  48. John c. says:

    No witticisms today, just wishes to Shamus for a speedy recovery.

  49. Marty says:

    Jochi,

    Bored Flak… nice! I’m not certain anyone else caught the reference.

    Loved that comic… Nothing can live up to those early days with Fineous, Wormy and What’s New gracing the pages of Dragon. Glory days!

    Fineous lives!

  50. Ambidexter says:

    QUOTE: “Russian/Latin-American Undead Paratrooper Ninja Robot Pirate Wizard Cyborg Monkeys!”

    You forgot about them shooting laser beams from their eyes.

  51. inq101 says:

    QUOTE: “Russian/Latin-American Undead Paratrooper Ninja Robot Pirate Wizard Cyborg Monkeys with laser eyes FROM THE FUTURE!”

  52. Snake says:

    …in bikinis?

  53. -Chipper says:

    “Russian/Latin-American Undead Paratrooper Ninja Robot Pirate Wizard Cyborg Monkeys with laser eyes FROM THE FUTURE in bikinis!”

    Well that’s OK, but what if they were GENETICALLY ENHANCED!

  54. Rolld20 says:

    Ok, Chipper, if you insist:

    Russian/Latin-American Undead Paratrooper Ninja Robot Pirate Wizard Cyborg Monkeys with laser eyes FROM THE FUTURE in GENETICALLY ENHANCED bikinis… {i}for justice!{/i}

  55. Scarlet Knight says:

    Russian/Latin-American Undead Paratrooper Ninja Robot Pirate Wizard Cyborg Monkeys with laser eyes FROM THE FUTURE in GENETICALLY ENHANCED bikinis… for justice!

    Don’t forget the tentacles! What’s the sense of being genetically enhaced if you don’t get tentacles?
    ( I STILL think it should be Latin-dancing…)

  56. Jochi says:

    Marty@53
    Yeah, I agree. This strip, OOTS (and now YAFGC) are the only things I’ve seen that stand in the same company as Finieous Fingers, although Yamara came close.

    And I know, I dated myself. Started this game around ’75 or ’76 with the blue box and quickly ‘graduated’ to the ‘real’ 3-volume boxed set, added Chainmail (the forerunner, miniatures rules, not RPG) and, as they came out, the Greyhawk and Blackmoor supplements…

    Good times.

  57. Jimmy says:

    Shouldn’t these

    Russian/Latin-American Undead Paratrooper Ninja Robot Pirate Wizard Cyborg Monkeys with laser eyes FROM THE FUTURE in GENETICALLY ENHANCED bikinis… for justice! with tentacles,

    not also be Dire or Legendary or Awakened or maybe even Bloated…???

  58. Blackbird71 says:

    Excellent point 5 toed sloth. It’s mind blowing just trying to grasp the depth of Tolkeins books. I think that much can be gleamed by reading his books.

    Just remember that Tolkien was always the first to point out that his works were over-analyzed. He claims they were written for the sake of the story, not as a political or social commentary, allegory, or other symbolic work. His stories were intended as an idea of what true British mythology could have been, had the original myths and legends of the land not been largely lost and the remaining parts changed or influenced by other cultures. Read the story for the sake of the story, there are definetely things that can be learned from them, as with any other great work, just don’t read too much into it.

  59. Civilis says:

    So, now I’ll play the ‘with Mate’ card on the Dire Infernal Lava-Born Russian/Latin-American Undead Paratrooper Ninja Robot Pirate Wizard Cyborg Tentacled Monkeys with laser eyes FROM THE FUTURE in GENETICALLY ENHANCED bikinis… for justice! And in case you’ve got something else up your sleeve, I’ll throw in a ‘…Which, When Done Right, None Can Defend’. So you take eleventy billion points of damage, but at least you can save for half…

  60. Scarlet Knight says:

    Barnacles! I rolled a 3…

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