DM of the Rings LXXXII:
Have Fireball, Will Travel

By Shamus
on Apr 2, 2007
Filed under:
DM of the Rings

We. Need. A. FIREBALL!

Wizards: Work smarter, not harder.

Fighters: Not smarter, hit harder.

Rogues: Lie smarter, steal hardware.

Bards: Sing harder, get- ow! oh geeze! Fine, I’ll stop singing! Quit hitting me already!

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A Hundred!201There are 121 comments here. I really hope you like reading.

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  1. Salen says:

    Like I said last comic, a mage would have been really useful to soften up those hordes. All those targets packed together. Its like an EXP-fest. And if a lot of the Lvl 1 types die off, you have less folks to split the experience up with.

  2. scldragonfish says:

    JUST FYI: I’m sure you may have seen the new ads for this LOTR game for a journey to the Middle East or something.

    Makes me want to run screaming in the other direction. Mommmy!!!!

  3. Shamus says:

    Browncoat: Yeah. DST has hosed the timestamps. If I post manually during lunch, then the post appears around noon Eastern Time (USA) with a timestamp of 11am. If I pre-post (say, the night before) then I’ll manually set the timestamp to 12pm, which causes the post to appear at 1pm. (Eyes cross.)

    What a mess. I really, really hate DST.

  4. Browncoat says:

    So Congress taxes my income. They tax my house. They tax my profits on the shares of stock I own, after the companies have already paid taxes on those same monies.

    They get re-elected based on how much of other people’s money they can bring back to their districts in the form of pork. If they feel really strongly about something, they’ll pass a non-binding resolution.

    But this takes the cake. Their sad idea of an energy plan causes me to have to wait an extra hour for my tri-weekly fix of DMotR.

    I’ll just add this to my list of reasons I’m a browncoat.

  5. Browncoat says:

    (psst. Hey. The previous post was a farce. I tried to include things everyone hates about gov’t rather tham make it a political rant that would only apply to those on one side of the aisle. The point is, let’s not turn this into a political discussion. That’s on another blog. Go find it.)

  6. Tola says:

    Elvish daggers (It certainly hurt the Witch King)

    NOT Elvish. The daggers were recovered from the Barrows. Those barrows were filled with Men who died against the Witch-King and/or his forces. The swords were effectively ‘Nazgul-Bane’ daggers: the text in Return of the King says fairly clearly that no other weapon would have worked as well. Something they recovered right at the beginning ended up proving to save their lives.

  7. Purple Library Guy says:

    Yes. Those were basically Numenorean, or at least Numenorean-in-exile, daggers, from Aragorn’s very own lost northern kingdom of Arnor.

    “Oh, blast. Winch wench, the winch wrench wretch wrenched his wrists! You’ll have to wield the winch *and* the wrench!”

  8. Shamus says:

    Wow. I think Purple Library Guy just won the thread.

  9. Cadrys says:

    Re 71 Purple Library Guy

    *wince*

  10. Steve says:

    Aiee!

    Purple Library Guy reveals himself as the Winch King of Arnor!

    Flee!

    Steve.

  11. Steve says:

    Tola Says:

    NOT Elvish. The daggers were recovered from the Barrows. Those barrows were filled with Men who died against the Witch-King and/or his forces. The swords were effectively ‘Nazgul-Bane’ daggers: the text in Return of the King says fairly clearly that no other weapon would have worked as well. Something they recovered right at the beginning ended up proving to save their lives.

    Yes. All it needed was for Frodo to turn out to be Aragorn’s long-lost brother and (unbeknownst until the last page) Gandalf’s second cousin twice removed for the ending to be truly Dickensian.

    More like Gilbert and Sullivan now I come to think about it, what with everyone bursting into song at the drop of a hat.

    Oh I am the dead Witch Kiiiiiing!
    And it is, it is a wonderful thiiiiing
    To be-ee the dead Witch Kiiiiiing!

    Steve.

  12. Mark says:

    “Yes. Those were basically Numenorean, or at least Numenorean-in-exile, daggers, from Aragorn’s very own lost northern kingdom of Arnor.”

    I know this is a great theory, but am I the only one who thinks that the Uruks who captured Merry and Pippin might have taken them away? Prisoners aren’t generally left their weapons.

    Or is there an explanation in Two Towers about them getting them back?

  13. Dannerman says:

    Steve we *all* have had an orange D20 somewhere, at some point in our gaming lives. It’s just one of those things you aquire as a gamer without really knowing why. (I swear I’ve never bought one, but one day it [my orange D20] was just, y’know there, creepy…)

    …and yeah, I wish I could game with *any* of you guys right now, I honestly enjoy reading these comments almost as much as the comic. Also, I’ve been unable to get a game going for quite a while. I blame World of Warcraft, personally, for stealing all my gamer mates. Bah.

  14. Scarlet Knight says:

    So, to tie every thing together, you take the bard wearing the chainmail bikini, that no one likes, wrench away her winch, drop her onto the turtle, opening a hole , & toss in the almost boiling liquid of choice when you hear her sing “I am the very model of a modern Numenorean”… Have I got it right?

  15. Jindra34 says:

    You got that right but missed the burns oh well…

  16. Blindeye says:

    To add to the proof that Gandalf is a bard: I’ve heard that in the Silmarilian, Gandalf and all the other ‘wizards’ SUNG the world into existence.

    Also, a simple Grease spell would have worked wonders against the Uruk-Hai Battering Ram.

    • WJS says:

      Summon Swarm. Level 2 spell, can’t be harmed by weapons, deals damage every round in a 10′ square, lasts as long as you concentrate. Can be harmed by torches, but the orcs on the bridge didn’t have any. Thousands of rats or spiders crawling around inside his armour should send even the orneriest uruk running screaming, and if he does stick around he won’t last long.

  17. Jindra34 says:

    Wait!!!! Gandalf was alive alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the way back then?

  18. Scarlet Knight says:

    So, if Gandalf is a bard, how come in “An Unexpected Party” in “The Hobbit”, he’s the only guest neither singing nor playing an instrument? Huh? Gandalf is TOO a mage! He just specializes in a lousy school, like divination…

  19. Deekin says:

    Naaah, he is 1lvl Wizard 39lvl Bard

  20. Darkenna says:

    Steve:

    Darkenna Says:
    “To the winch, wench!”

    The winches of the middle ages were scarcely more reliable than the wenches, often requiring in-situ repairs by the artisans. I imagine that many a beseiged winch wench shuddered to hear the cry: “To the winch with a wrench, wretch!”

    :( I’m disappointed. I would’ve thought the two people on this board that would have caught that quote were you and Carl.

    Purple Library Guy, I just have one thing to say to you, amidst the gasps of breath I find myself needing after reading that… “Silence, wench!” :D

  21. Rick says:

    Aragorn found the Hobbits’ weapons along the trail the Uruks left, and gave them back to the Hobbits at Isengard.

  22. Bugsysservant says:

    “To add to the proof that Gandalf is a bard: I’ve heard that in the Silmarilian, Gandalf and all the other ‘wizards’ SUNG the world into existence.”

    While Gandalf and the other wizards were alive, and the Middle Earth was sung into existence by them, I thought the biggest contributors were the Valar, the quasi-gods of Tolkien Mythology. I had thought that Gandalf played a rather minor role in the singing, one that could easily have been filled by a few cross class ranks in perform (singing). Also, since Gandalf is a Maiar, doesn’t that give him some sort of divine powers. He should be at least a minor deity, and isn’t there a rulebook out there that covers gods?

  23. Tola says:

    The Maiar only showed up AFTER the world was created. When the Valar needed help with dealing with/shaping the world, the Maiar were there.

    And Gandalf is, frankly, whatever he needs to be at the time. Fighter? Yep. Leader? Yep. Arch-Mage? Yep. Remember, he’s there specifically to oppose Sauron, so he needs to be ready for anything.

    “He is not a Fighter, nor a Mage. A Wizard is always precisely what he needs to be.” Which probably makes him some sort of Cleric/Druid hybrid, if not a true Wizard.

    Besides which, he’s the only character who DOESN’T launch into song or poetry.

    This proves it more than anything else: You can’t class Gandalf as a D+D class.(No, not even Bard.) None of them fit the rules. Wizards(And other magic classes) in D+D are so open and free with their magic…And now Gandalf suffers for that.

  24. Phil says:

    Blindeye: Also, a simple Grease spell would have worked wonders against the Uruk-Hai Battering Ram.

    Yes, I’d have to say looking at the close-packed tortoise of uruks on that nice narrow sloping ramp with a sheer drop each side, grease was my first thought as a nicely wicked starting spell. :>

    Possibly followed by stone shape to put a nice inverted-vee surface on the roadway to help them on their way-y-y-y-y-y-y-y…

  25. -Chipper says:

    Darkenna Says: [i]I’m disappointed. I would’ve thought the two people on this board that would have caught that quote were you and Carl.[/i]
    I caught the reference to a movie telling a tale without end. :-) That’s about the only thing I remember from it.

  26. jperk31260 says:

    How about Gandolf as some sort of Druid/Sage or Sage/Sorcerer. He doesn’t seem to require spell comonents. He has a light spell that he used in Moria, a communicate with insects when the talked to the moth,
    a dispell magic that he used to break Sauromons enchantment of the king.
    What other spells has he used? Something he used to break the bridge in Moria

  27. superfluousk says:

    I know this is a great theory, but am I the only one who thinks that the Uruks who captured Merry and Pippin might have taken them away? Prisoners aren’t generally left their weapons.

    Or is there an explanation in Two Towers about them getting them back?

    “Old Ugluk took away our daggers. How he glared! I thought he would cut us with them, but he threw them away as though they burned.”

    Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas brought all of Merry and Pippin’s gear with them, and returned it to them when they met at Isengard.

  28. wtrmute says:

    Quoting Miftov (#43):
    “… 3 rings for the evlish kings (which Galadriel, Celderan or what ever her husbands name was, and Gandolf had)…”

    The wielders of the Three Rings were actually Galadriel, Gandalf and Elrond, rather than Galadriel’s husband Celeborn. They allowed the elven realms of Rivendell and Lothlórien to remain uncorrupted by Sauron and the general downfall of the Elves, like Mirkwood/Greenwood was.

  29. ShadoStahker says:

    So, if Gandalf is a bard, how come in “An Unexpected Party” in “The Hobbit”, he’s the only guest neither singing nor playing an instrument? Huh? Gandalf is TOO a mage! He just specializes in a lousy school, like divination…

    As has been previously suggested, he uses Perform (Oratory).

    How about Gandolf as some sort of Druid/Sage or Sage/Sorcerer.

    Druid is the other class that would make sense for him. And a Druid/Loremaster would fit pretty well.

  30. Kacky Snorgle says:

    Tola says: The Maiar only showed up AFTER the world was created. When the Valar needed help with dealing with/shaping the world, the Maiar were there.

    Well, yes, the Maiar weren’t *in* the world from the beginning. But the song was sung before the world actually began, by all the Ainur, which includes the Valar and the Maiar and many more besides….

  31. Jeff says:

    Given the lack of magic users in the setting, I wouldn’t be surprised if they all had Eschew Material Components, given that you could hardly restock ‘common’ spell components.

  32. SnarkHunter says:

    Heh… about that whole “Gandalf was amazing and powerful!” thing… anyone here read “Dork Tower”? And if so, have you read the one where they play the epic of LotR?

    If you haven’t, go do so. It’s nearly as good as this.

  33. warren says:

    Nah, Gandalf is a rogue with use magic item skill, a magic staff, and bluff.

    Saruman was also a rogue and a madman that babbled on his roof to impress the orcs. Not a real wizard.

  34. Doug says:

    Someone asked about Orcrist, the Goblin-Cleaver (“Biter” to the Orcs). It was installed on Thorin’s tomb under The Lonely Mountain, and tales told that for ever after it would glow if enemies were near the Mountain, and the fortress could not be taken by surprise. (Which may well be a worthwhile use of a +$LOTS Sword of Orc-Slaying. Figure that the men of Lake-Town and the Mirkwood Elves never gave a thought to trying to storm the place, even when it was manned by only Thorin and his companions.)

    Gandalf’s sword was named Glamdring, “Foe-Hammer” (“Beater” to the Orcs), and was slightly the better of the two. Is anyone surprised?

    • WJS says:

      I thought they only glowed if the orcs were near, i.e. within a hundred feet or so? Not much good for an early warning system. Besides, in a tomb nobody will see it. You should install it into the throne room or main barracks or something for that.

  35. JD says:

    We had a Bard once that was physically the equivalent of a twig.I’m serious, he rolled like.. a 5 for his strength. It was bad…

  36. marcius says:

    A HUNDRED!!!

    WAH
    WAH
    WAH

    Pray to Mr. Jules return to DMing!

  37. Aragorn says:

    101!!!

    WAH
    WAH
    WAH
    woo i made the next chapter! lol :P

  38. TheGeekLord says:

    I’ve always played the light armored thief/rogue characters even though I’m kinda bad at it and I’m better with Fighting characters, just becuase they’re cooler xD

  39. caradoc says:

    “When the going gets tough, the Bard goes drinking.” -Bard’s Tale

  40. Michael says:

    Wizards: Work smarter, not harder.

    Fighters: Not smarter, hit harder.

    Rogues: Lie smarter, steal hardware.

    Bards: Sing harder, get- ow! oh geeze! Fine, I’ll stop singing! Quit hitting me already!

    No, the bard line is something like:
    (Apologies to Elan)

    Swing, Swing, Swing harder
    Cast, Cast, Cast larger
    Dodge, Dodge, Dodge your Party
    (and I need a 4th line, anyone?)

    Oh — I did read all the comments, despite your bet. I wince at the wrenched wenches’ comments.

  41. Maklak says:

    As was stated in a thread under one of the previoust strips Gandalf is a Celestial Outsider.

  42. joesolo says:

    lol, the bard comment was funnyer than the comic

  43. Logalite says:

    Fighter- “I can kill a guy in a round!”

    Cleric- “I can kill a guy in half a round!”

    Magic-user- “I can kill a guy before my round!”

    Bard- “I can get three idiots to kill a guy for me!”

  44. superglucose says:

    I’d rather have a bard than a fighter… just sayin’

  45. Nacata says:

    It sounds like the bard in mention is cacophinix! LOL :)

  46. nocata says:

    Bard in comments=total cacofonix+unhygienix relationship. LOL

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